Posted 23 January 2010 - 07:38 PM
Ok I'm going to have to make it clear to you illy why whiskeyjack is badass.
Now whiskeyjack starts off as a stone breaker, and he’s fairly content with his lot breaking stones, kicking back and just collecting his paycheck. But then god of death comes along throwing his weight around and takes off with his sister.
Now whiskeyjack is having no sister of his hanging round with an undead Jaghut who thinks he’s the god of death, so he busts into his temple, throws the v’s at hood and takes his sister back.
After this whiskeyjack realises that breaking stones is a just boring, so he joins the malazan army for a bit of excitement. Now everyone soon realises that whiskeyjack can kick some serious ass, and he goes around kicking ass and taking names and what do you know pretty soon the empires ruling half the world. Eventually he runs into the empires chief ass-kicker, hood’s boy dassem ultor. Now hood’s not forgotten whiskeyjack stopped him getting laid with his fine ass sister and tells dassem to kill his ass. So whiskeyjack and dassem throw down, and dassem cannot get past his defence, and all the time whiskeyjack is cracking wisecracks, and calling hood all sorts of names. Eventually dassem stops and says fuck you hood this guys to cool to kill, and whiskeyjack and dassem sit down and have a beer.
Now hood’s not having one of his boys throw something in his face like that, so he steals dassems daughter – a serious no-no, and in the resulting scuffle dassem swears eternal vengeance on hood, the emperor sidles into a new job as a puppeteer, and the job of emperor’s suddenly opened up. Now everyone knows whiskeyjack is awesome, and even the emperor who didn’t like anybody liked him, so they say lets make whiskeyjack the emperor.
Whiskeyjack says fuck that, that’s far too much work, let this scullery maid surly be the empress I don’t want to do that. So surly becomes the empress, changes her name to lasseen and starts putting on airs. Now whiskeyjack is just fed up of all this business, so he goes back to being a sergeant where he can mess people up personally, so he trundles around putting down rebellions in seven cities, as if he says someones the empress everyone else better fucking listen. After putting the rebels in there place he notices some of them have run off, so he follows them across an uncrossable desert, figures out there cunning plan and turns the tables on 12 souled quick ben,( one of the cleverest men alive), and kalam (so bad-ass that the claw said fuck policy, we have to have him). Now whiskeyjack realises these guys are pretty fucking cool, so says fuck it, you two can follow me around and if surly says something, well who made her empress in the first place? So he takes these two, and the other dudes who followed him across the desert and massacres a fort full of 400 soldiers without any casualties. Then he decides to go and conquer genabackis, and it takes Jaghut created swamp warlocks, Tiste Andii, the most bad ass mercenary company on the planet, and caladan brood, a guy who makes mountatins to prevent him from just walking straight though and taking the whole damn continent.
Now lasseen is a paranoid bitch and thinks whiskeyjack is just too bad ass to live, so she sends high mage tayschren to kill him, who proceeds to kill two armies and drop a city on whiskeyjack to try and get rid of him. But whiskeyjack just walks right out of a city falling on him saying what was that all about?
Now whiskeyjack is a little annoyed that a city fell on him, so he decides to conquer darujhistan to let off some steam, so he heads to darujhistan creates all sorts of trouble, and decides fuck it lets not give this city to the empress I’ll take it myself.
Now hood is watching and he’s thinking FUCK, this guys getting to much and starts interfering, as a result high mage tayschren, his pet demon, and Anomander rake throw down in the city. Now whiskeyjack is sitting having a beer watching the fight, when hood pushes a building on top of him, which fucks up his leg… but whiskeyjack is so bad-ass he doesn’t even notice. Then he proceeds to take darujhistan as his own, tells his opponents to stop being dicks and put him in charge, and then proceeds to kick the crippled gods army of cannibals off the continent.
On the way he picks up Korlat, a smoking hot immortal tiste Andii dragon, and becomes the second friend of Anomander Rake. Then whiskeyjack realises, hang the fuck on if I take all these guys with me to beat up the pannion they’ll just get in the way, so he tells caladan brood… look they went that way, who buys it completely, then proceeds to run across the continent so he can beat up the pannion first.
Brood finally realises that whiskeyjack’s tricked him, and starts running after him and tells his continent ravaging, triply cursed, amazing swordsman and nearly immortal second kallor to catch him up. Now kallors being playing both teams, and hood and the crippled god both want him to kill whiskeyjack. So kallor and whiskeyjack throw down, and in about a second whiskeyjack has kallor dead, but then his leg which hood fucked up but he hadn’t noticed breaks, and boom that’s it he’s dead.
So whiskeyjacks lying there thinking shit, being dead is boring, so he decides fuck this I’ll become a god, whereupon he calls upon all the other dead soldiers and says alright listen boys, I’m in charge now. Now hood ain’t to happy about this, so Anomander rake kills him, as you don’t go messing with his boy.
But whiskeyjack plays the big man, and comes with his army of dead men, fights off chaos and saves the world. Then he says to hood alright we’re quits, my boy shouldn’t have killed you like that, but I’m the god of death now so fuck off back to the real world.
And that’s why whiskeyjack is bad-ass, plus we all know why illy doesn’t like him, it’s because he knows whiskeyjack would beat him in a chicken leg eating contest.
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Illuyankas, on 21 January 2010 - 10:43 PM, said:
