Malazan Empire: The Badass List of Badass characters - Revisited - Malazan Empire

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The Badass List of Badass characters - Revisited with 100% more accuracy AND SPOILERS all books

#1 User is offline   Illuyankas 

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Posted 12 January 2010 - 01:08 AM

NEEDLESS TO SAY, MASSIVE SPOILERS




With thanks to HalfTere for making the original and for not minding that I'm modifying the fuck out of it (I'm sure he wouldn't mind, really).

In ascending order of badassoscity;


Torvald Nom
Karsa Orverylong
Urko the Fistabulous
Kallor Eiderann Tes’thesula, High Pimp
Draconus, Elder God of Fucking Your Shit Up
Brukhalian, Mortal Pork Sword
The Hounds of Bacon (don't exist, but dear lord how awesome would they be? And also how endangered?)
Karsa's weapon ----------------------------------------------------------------------
Karsa's stone sword Bairoth Delum, arife with bladiferous sworditude
Iron Bars - cooler brother of Steel Pubs
Legana Breed, the best T'lan Imass, this cannot be disputed
Raest, new mascot for Frosties - "They'rrrrrrre Raest's!"
Gesler - DINORIDERS
Stormy - ARE AWESOME
The Second, because zombies are awesome also
Coltaine, Bro High Fist
Gruntle - "I like my buildings how I like my coffee. MADE OF MEAT."
Bent, most badass existing animal in the series
Gnaw, second most badass existing animal in the series
Iskaral Pust's Mule, literally the definition of bad ass
Blues, dual wields saxophones in combat, real cool cat
Cussers, because fuck dragons
Greymane, because Chuck Norris is a little girl
Ruthan Gudd - eh shags corpses, rides storms and doesn't afraid of anything
Cotillion - only deity who isn't a massive tool, even if always roping side characters into things
Mok - likes the sound of clocks, has more personality than Dassword Swordtor
Topper, second coolest assassin
Cowl, third coolest (also bit of a dick)
Kilmandaros, because, really, FUCK dragons (no, shut up Osserc, we're not talking about you) (or you, Rake) (damn scalies)
The Maldorous Fourteen - delicious undead Jaghut are delicious except not really, don't lick them, that's very unhygenic
Huntress, pretty cool
Vorcan, can she do the can-can? Does she own a toucan?
Kalam Mekhar - he slammed a dude into the ground headfirst and murderlised him! Perfect children's birthday party entertainment!
Gouda Kura Quan, king of the NEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR- OH GOD MY EVERYTHING IS ON FIRE (is not a cheese)
Stumpy - best name for character we never see
Tesormalandis - second best Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Novel
Neffarias Bredd, third invisible character, came up with the best army motto
Mael - Call him moist, I dare you
Silchas Ruin - Shit is going to hit the skykeep (literally, he does a mean pigeon impression)
Braven Tooth, has more body hair than Fener
Murillio, master swordsman (if you know what I mean) and fencer (with actual swords and whatnot)
Gothos, makes continents into iceboxes
Trotts, killing machine
Roach, self-descriptive
Temper, has one
Ferrule - just assume no-one knows he's called Sweetgrass
Pearl the Demon - Manly tears
Hood, which is the shortened form of 'Bigass Pimp Hat with excessively larger feather'
Corlo, has the power to move you
Pran Chole, an Imass who isn't a complete asshat
The Seguleh - do Seguleh cavalry ride Segways?
Yeddan Derryg, voyeur
Ublala Pung, Midnight Tide's second best spear wielder
Lorn - "I'm only in the first book? Bastards!"
Shadowthrone - chilling on a throne while everyone does stuff for you is the pinnacle of laziness, thus deserving and demanding your respect, also pimp cane will stone cold smack a bitch
Sinn - Loves nipples and setting things on fire, but not in that order
T'amber - BATTLE LESBIAN
Kagamandra Tulas Shorn - down for being in the RSPCA, up for the best first name in the series
Udinaas - anyone able to weaponise whining is a force to be reckoned with
Baudin, short order cook who serves fried rat THE MANLY WAY
Sechul Lath, RESPECT KNUCKLES
Corabb - WE CAN'T STOP HERE, THIS IS WYVAL COUNTRY
Lostara Yil - proof that everyone loves a sexy dancer
The Hounds of Darkness, beardogs the size of bears, that are also dogs, THE SIZE OF BEARS
Nok - His first name, by a strange coincidence, is also Nok, and he will EXECUTE EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHO EVEN THINKS OF MAKING THAT JOKE YOU'RE THINKING OF RIGHT NOW, DON'T DENY IT
Tehol Beddict, a man who appreciates the vital art of testicular ventilation
Lady Envy, unlike her sis does put out but you won't enjoy the results
Sister Spite, massive bitch
Hellian, TACTICAL GENIUS
Brys Beddict - has a way with the ladies, albeit that way being bumbling confusion
Forkrul Assail, enjoy relaxing walks by the beach, moonlit strolls and genocide
The Hounds of Shadow, pretty cool, occasionally asshats
Onrack the Cracking Fellow, good with a brush, looks like a Neanderthal Bob Ross
Icarium (Not the Hulk with Alzheimers, Steve, OK?)
Cartheron Crust, Sea Hobo
Ganoes Paran - "Hey. Hey, Poliel. See your shit there? I just fucked it."
Fisher Tel Kath- how many Poets Laureate do you know that nail demigoddesses and make assassins shit themselves?
Fear Sengar - TRUE BRO
Rallick Nom - Not as badass as his cousin, but who is?
Barathol Mekhar - [insert axe pun here]
Tavore Paran, as played in the movie by a cardboard cutout of a plank of wood in a dress with Keanu Reeves' face drawn on it in crayon
Leoman of the Flails - "We'll defeat them with, get this, friendly "fire". Eh? Eh?"
Toc the Younger - Infinite lives cheats are for girls
Duiker - What did I just say?
Heboric - Totally serves Karsa his own arse on a platter, impressive no matter how batshit or dead he becomes later, also terrible at thumbwar
Coll, and they said alcoholism was bad
Greyfrog - Excellent at thumbwar, also kills bees and is awesome
Gumble, critical cricketophile, not grey, not a frog
Dujek Onearm - High Fiv-, er, Thumbs u-, ah, Bro Fis-, uh, Good job?
Kilava Onass [Insert giant pussy joke here]
Kettle - Tell me to go to my room, will you?
Bellurdan Skullcrusher - beats demons to death with his bare hands
Messremb - beats demons to death with his bear hands
A'Karonys, short, fat, killed early on, bit of a non-entity
Anomander Rake - May be the best written Mary Sue ever but that's still a bad beginning, really only good in small doses
Mappo Trell, anyone who kills people with a bit of somebody else is alright in my book
Baruk, Baruk, Baruk is on fire, we don't need no water let the mothe- wait, wrong song
Badalle - won a magic rap battle. A MAGIC RAP BATTLE.
Korlat, whinomancer
Trull Sengar- I'm wary of anyone so talented at manhandling a shaft
Hairlock, bit of a muppet
Redmask - Redfail
Orfantal, got something in this throat
Tayschrenn - Like a nuke, but lazier
Hedge, loves dragons to bits
Bubyrd, rodent do much in the series
Tool - is one
K'rul - K'rummy
Felisin Paran - A hard knock life, except with unending horror instead of knocks
Rhulad Sengar - nicked Fear's wife, definitely not a bro
Quick Ben, that isn't a compliment
Fiddler - so jaded I'm surprised he hasn't shot through the moon
Laseen, Worst Empress Ever
Eres'al - hominid rapists aren't really that badass, also she's Dr. Who's mum
Kaminsod - really silly name
Skinner - IDDQD
Iskaral Pust - must have second biggest member in the series considering that poor High Priestess
Banaschar, D'rek-possessing priest with more alcohol than blood, is effectively bottle of tequila
Mammot - dumbass
Apsalar - go to an MAA meeting, jeez (assassins or alcoholics, you decide)
Osserc - damn lazy surf bums
Ormulgun, thinks cutting a cow in half is for tossers
Mallet, WAAAH WAAAH WAAAH
The Errant, worst antique deity ever
Chaur - more emotionally mature than Cutter
The Hounds of Light, the Scrappy Doo of the Hounds
Mother Dark, taking 'LA LA LA I'M NOT LISTENING' to a whole new level
Kruppe - you'll believe a bag of fat can pontificate at irritating length
Caladan Brood, the Poetrylord
Whiskeyjack, slightly more badass than previously, I suppose
Dassem Ultor, god of being a whiny bitch and monopersonality
L'oric, dropped drastically after TBH but was alright before
Cutter - How I wish he would man the fuck up
Kiska - NOK's Kyle except less so, thankfully
Seren Pedac, abuses MIND BULLETS disgracefully
Hull Beddict - can't even traitor properly
Mallick Rel - you'll believe a bag of fat can pontif- wait
Pormqual, slightly less effectual than moist toilet paper
Silverfox, could not be more useless if she tried, because she'd fail at that too
The Mhybe - Empty vessel in the story, empty pages in the book
Felisin Fatter, future moon replacement
Pearl the douchebag - He's a douchebag
Ghelel the non-entity
Kyle I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON


Work in Progress


Remember, put names down if you want them included - I'll want to get as many characters as possible, though I doubt I'll be going through the DPs in each book for names.

This post has been edited by Illuyankas: 05 May 2010 - 05:57 PM

Hello, soldiers, look at your mage, now back to me, now back at your mage, now back to me. Sadly, he isnít me, but if he stopped being an unascended mortal and switched to Sole Spice, he could smell like heís me. Look down, back up, where are you? Youíre in a warren with the High Mage your cadre mage could smell like. Whatís in your hand, back at me. I have it, itís an acorn with two gates to that realm you love. Look again, the acorn is now otataral. Anything is possible when your mage smells like Sole Spice and not a Bole brother. Iím on a quorl.
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#2 User is offline   HoosierDaddy 

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Posted 12 January 2010 - 03:02 AM

I'll grant you Torvald first, because well, he's Torvald Fucking Nom.

1. Torvald Nom
2. Icarium
3. Traveler
4. Karsa
5. Yeddan Derryg
Size matters not.
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#3 User is offline   Defiance 

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Posted 12 January 2010 - 03:40 AM

Karsa Orlong, Silchas Ruin, Cotillion, Shadowthrone, Traveler, Icarium, Bugg and Tehol, Anomander Rake.

Those just off the top of my head, if I actually sat down and thought about it I'm sure I'd come up with many more.
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#4 User is offline   Sinisdar Toste 

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Posted 12 January 2010 - 06:19 AM

View PostH.D., on 12 January 2010 - 03:02 AM, said:

I'll grant you Torvald first, because well, he's Torvald Fucking Nom.

1. Torvald Nom
2. Icarium
3. Traveler
4. Karsa
5. Yeddan Derryg

i love how you toss yedan derryg in there with no shame. bout as worthy as anyone else we've seen. and now with regrown silchas ruin hustsword, i smell big things in his future (of course more likely nothing will turn out how i expect)

i think sinn and grub definitely have to have a place on the new list. vaporizing sky keeps? who the fuck would ever think that was possible
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#5 User is offline   Dolmen 2.0 

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    Waiting till jean gets here.

Posted 12 January 2010 - 07:47 AM

Can I rant on why the Seguleh second and skinner should be in on this list
and every other list yet to come?

Sure I can:

Once upon a time the second met up with Skinner, you know when our
boys were all alive and fresh-like.

Skinner looked like a cool guy so the second was like "What up dawg?"

Skinner gave him a look.

The second don't take no goddamn look, so he does the sensible thing...
...and attacks the Six foot something, goddess humping, almost blade proof
Skinner with a stick decked with knife at the end (because knives are gangsta even on a stick).

Skinner was like "B*TCH!"

Snkt!

SS and Skinner get Serious for a second right?
Then Skinners like "YO MOMMA!"
The Seconds like "AWWW HELL NO!"
and they go apeshit, cartwheeling and shooting lasers with their Freakin Eyeballz!
just as the second gets his second wind and begins to really stick it to that
goddamn Six foot something, goddess humping, almost blade proof
Skinner. He notices his sandals are untied.
Seconds like "Yo hold up dawg, gotta sort out ma kicks."
Skninners like "Psht"
Second ties his shoe laces like a pro then looks up only to find...
...Skinner be gone.

Seconds like: "This Motha.."
then Hood rolls in easy-like and lays it down like this "Yo SS What it do? check it dawg,
I gots me a message from that goddamn Six foot
something, goddess-humping, almost blade proof Mofo."
"You mean Skinner?"
"Yeah that cat right there. He told me to tell you this: B*tch."

Then the Second was like "SKINNER!!!!"

The rest as you know is history.

Attached File(s)


This post has been edited by Dolmen: 12 January 2010 - 03:39 PM

ďBehind this mask there is more than just flesh. Beneath this mask there is an idea... and ideas are bulletproof Gas-Fireproof.Ē
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#6 User is offline   Blend 

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Posted 12 January 2010 - 02:52 PM

View PostDolmen, on 12 January 2010 - 07:47 AM, said:

...The rest as you know is history.


Dude, there needs to be one of those "Hokay, so here's the world" type flash things for this. I was laughing so loudly people walking by my office were peeking in to see what's funny. Try to explain that to people who've never read Malazan Books of the Fallen!
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#7 User is offline   EsotericForest 

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Posted 12 January 2010 - 03:24 PM

Off the top of my head

Rallick Nom
Anomander Rake
Cotillion
Quick Ben
"Ignoring him, she stepped back out of the ellipse and began singing in the Woman's Language, which was, of course, unintelligible to Iskaral's ears. Just as the Man's Language-which Mongora called gibberish-was beyond her ability to understand. The reason for that, Iskaral Pust knew, was that the Man's Language was gibberish, designed specifically to confound women."

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#8 User is offline   Hinter 

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Posted 14 January 2010 - 02:04 AM

View PostDolmen, on 12 January 2010 - 07:47 AM, said:

Can I rant on why the Seguleh second and skinner should be in on this list
and every other list yet to come?

Sure I can:

Once upon a time the second met up with Skinner, you know when our
boys were all alive and fresh-like.

Skinner looked like a cool guy so the second was like "What up dawg?"

Skinner gave him a look.

The second don't take no goddamn look, so he does the sensible thing...
...and attacks the Six foot something, goddess humping, almost blade proof
Skinner with a stick decked with knife at the end (because knives are gangsta even on a stick).

Skinner was like "B*TCH!"

Snkt!

SS and Skinner get Serious for a second right?
Then Skinners like "YO MOMMA!"
The Seconds like "AWWW HELL NO!"
and they go apeshit, cartwheeling and shooting lasers with their Freakin Eyeballz!
just as the second gets his second wind and begins to really stick it to that
goddamn Six foot something, goddess humping, almost blade proof
Skinner. He notices his sandals are untied.
Seconds like "Yo hold up dawg, gotta sort out ma kicks."
Skninners like "Psht"
Second ties his shoe laces like a pro then looks up only to find...
...Skinner be gone.

Seconds like: "This Motha.."
then Hood rolls in easy-like and lays it down like this "Yo SS What it do? check it dawg,
I gots me a message from that goddamn Six foot
something, goddess-humping, almost blade proof Mofo."
"You mean Skinner?"
"Yeah that cat right there. He told me to tell you this: B*tch."

Then the Second was like "SKINNER!!!!"

The rest as you know is history.


This has to be a Hall of Fame post!! Word!!!!
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#9 User is offline   Illuyankas 

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Posted 17 January 2010 - 12:00 AM

Update the Firstening!

So, a prelimary list has been thrown together of some characters in the OP. First off, it is not complete so if there's a character missing tell me in the thread and I'll add it, or laugh at you for not seeing it earlier. Second, if a character you like isn't high enough on the list for you, you have two choices.

1. SUCK IT, MY OPINION IS SUPERIOR

2. Do what Dolmen has done for the Second and Skinner and what I did for Torvald Nom and tell us why they should be higher. If you succeed in persuading me I will move them to a more appropriate spot - the Second is much higher than originally and Skinner is a few places higher but loses points due to using cheat codes. It will take you paying strippers for me to change the bottom ten except for order (unless you find characters who are worse) so take that under advisement.

If it's a little hard to read in permabold I'll reformat it into only bolding the names, but not right now, Daddy needs to find a new distraction to stop thinking about how I can't drink booze for another two days.

...DAMN IT




(first person to guess the significance of the line of dashes wins a free five place move for one character of their choice within reason)
Hello, soldiers, look at your mage, now back to me, now back at your mage, now back to me. Sadly, he isnít me, but if he stopped being an unascended mortal and switched to Sole Spice, he could smell like heís me. Look down, back up, where are you? Youíre in a warren with the High Mage your cadre mage could smell like. Whatís in your hand, back at me. I have it, itís an acorn with two gates to that realm you love. Look again, the acorn is now otataral. Anything is possible when your mage smells like Sole Spice and not a Bole brother. Iím on a quorl.
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#10 User is offline   HoosierDaddy 

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Posted 17 January 2010 - 12:18 AM

Is it:

Spoiler


Tool & Felisin Fatter = Lol.
Size matters not.
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#11 User is offline   masan's saddle 

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Posted 18 January 2010 - 12:01 PM

I take it you mean the dashes next to "Karsa's Weapon" ?

Obvious,

Pulsating Custard Shooter of Doom.

Masan's ass is the baddest.

Should be top IMO....:pirate:
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Posted 18 January 2010 - 01:14 PM

I can't believe Iron Bars is not in this list...

#13 User is offline   Urb 

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Posted 18 January 2010 - 01:15 PM

Mancy the luckless.

Also, maybe Gruntle.
The leader, his audience still,
considered their scholarly will.
He lowered his head
and with anguish he said,
"But how will we teach them to kill?"


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#14 User is offline   Illuyankas 

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Posted 18 January 2010 - 04:11 PM

I SAID WORK IN PROGRESS

I'll be going through the Dramatis Personae from each book and adding them later.
Hello, soldiers, look at your mage, now back to me, now back at your mage, now back to me. Sadly, he isnít me, but if he stopped being an unascended mortal and switched to Sole Spice, he could smell like heís me. Look down, back up, where are you? Youíre in a warren with the High Mage your cadre mage could smell like. Whatís in your hand, back at me. I have it, itís an acorn with two gates to that realm you love. Look again, the acorn is now otataral. Anything is possible when your mage smells like Sole Spice and not a Bole brother. Iím on a quorl.
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#15 User is offline   Hetan 

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Posted 19 January 2010 - 01:08 PM

Here's my nomination for the Badassery of Iron Bars - oh yeah - if you didn't know already - SPOILERS INSIDE











Iron Bars is badass. Even his name is badass – IRON BARS.
The man has more cojones than a Mexican butcher shop. He survives Assail, Assail for Hood’s sake – how many can say that? Then he rescues Seren Pedac from three armed thugs without even drawing his sword and then turns his assailants weapons on themselves, killing the third dude by ripping his jaw off – tossing the mandible away with its attendant lower palate and tongue - WITH HIS BARE HANDS!
Did I mention his name – IRON BARS – a badass name for a badass.
Next he takes on two Edur with his sword, kills them, takes on a third and breaks his neck - WITH HIS BARE HAND – he didn’t need both of them for that job. He kills a fourth and then sets to on Rhulad and he has more sword skillz than that putz so he just finishes him off by snapping his neck – WITH HIS BARE HAND – turns around and skewers three more Edur just for shits and giggles – and he’s not even out of breath.
Oh yeah, and he has a cool badass name – IRON BARS.

Then Mael asks him for a favour – could he help wipe out a GOD – a god. He takes some help with him for this one as there’s 6 D’ivers Lizard Cats but he does most of the work coz his squad ain’t up to it and comes out of the melee covered in blood but none of it his – because he’s IRON BARS and he doesn’t bleed too easily. He’s so badass he even has time to talk to the Errant on the way in to the fight introducing himself with a friendly pleasedtomeetyouseeyoulater – which shows that in spite of the fact that he is badass, IRON BARS is a decent person.

Just as he’s taking a breather he sees a soletaken wolf sneaking up on the Errant and catches it mid-leap by it’s leg and throat, smashing it headfirst into the ground crushing it’s snout, skull and shoulders – WITH HIS BARE HANDS – and he did use both for this.

Thinking he’s done he turns back to Mael who tells him there’s a bigger problem and can he help with this one too and IRON BARS just asks to be pointed in the right direction, taking on the 5 Sereghal gods of the Tartheno Toblakai who are big badass mofo’s who are so badass their own people pray that they will never be released from their prison. And what does THE BARS reply? He says it’s a garden fete. A garden fete ffs. So he takes on the Sereghal and kills one of them, breaking his own arm whilst fighting off the other four then takes a crippling wound to his hip, which sees him downed but not out as he thinks that perhaps he would have paced himself better if he’d known he was going to be taking on so many gods in one day. Oh yeah - his name is IRON BARS.

Next we see him marooned at sea with 10 others, without food and water for weeks but he ain’t gonna be no-ones slave and he needs to get to Stratem so he asks real politely but the slavers don’t listen and make the mistake of trying to beat down THE BARS. So he does what he does best, taking down eight men – WITH HIS BARE HANDS and kills them all whilst being beaten up and taking a quarrel in the chest, but he’s IRON BARS so he takes the ship and sails to Stratem. Only of course nothing is gonna be easy so he runs into some Seguleh – eighteen of them. But this is IRON BARS and he can’t resist a challenge. He sword fights with one of them and kills her, after being pierced through the leg and having his throat cut – but he’s IRON BARS and he survives. He is so badass the badass Seguleh head honcho nominates him for a position within the ranks of the Seguleh.

He gets captured again by the Mare but they cheated and used a net, then beat him unconscious – because that’s the only way those pussies could cope with THE BARS. Then they decided that he’s so badass that he’s going to the Wall on Korelri – I feel sorry for the Storm Riders – because they are going to face IRON BARS – WITH HIS BARE HANDS!
"He was not a modest man. Contemplating suicide, he summoned a dragon". (Gothos' Folly)- Gothos
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#16 User is offline   MTS 

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Posted 19 January 2010 - 01:14 PM

HAHAHAHA that is Hall of Fame worthy, right there.
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#17 User is offline   Illuyankas 

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Posted 19 January 2010 - 04:59 PM

Update 2: Update Harder

Notable dudes from GOTM added, as well as a few other choice characters I happened to remember while skimming the DP.

Hetan, your post is just the kind of description that we need. Nice one.
Hello, soldiers, look at your mage, now back to me, now back at your mage, now back to me. Sadly, he isnít me, but if he stopped being an unascended mortal and switched to Sole Spice, he could smell like heís me. Look down, back up, where are you? Youíre in a warren with the High Mage your cadre mage could smell like. Whatís in your hand, back at me. I have it, itís an acorn with two gates to that realm you love. Look again, the acorn is now otataral. Anything is possible when your mage smells like Sole Spice and not a Bole brother. Iím on a quorl.
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#18 User is offline   Sinisdar Toste 

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Posted 19 January 2010 - 07:02 PM

if we've got udinaas in there for weaponizing whining then badalle definitely deserves a mention for weaponizing poetry, and simultaneously inventing the rap battle. (inquisitors got no flow)
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#19 User is offline   HoosierDaddy 

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Posted 19 January 2010 - 07:10 PM

Greymane - because his head's worth more than the Letheri Tolls (prior to their Tehol Beddictification.)
Size matters not.
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#20 User is offline   Obdigore 

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Posted 19 January 2010 - 09:36 PM

Did you forget Fisher?

He nails goddesses and kills assassins while getting ready to tell the chain of degs. Also he told the BB's in Daru to go to the cafe to meet the other ones and drink the Quorl Milk and have an Orgy. He is Hugh Hefner + James Bond.

Above Rallick but below Fear, imo.
Monster Hunter World Iceborne: It's like hunting monsters, but on crack, but the monsters are also on crack.
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