Malazan Empire: The Badass List of Badass characters - Revisited - Malazan Empire

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The Badass List of Badass characters - Revisited with 100% more accuracy AND SPOILERS all books

#21 User is offline   Illuyankas 

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Posted 19 January 2010 - 10:06 PM

Moved him a bit higher because of reasons. Mostly to do with assassins shitting themselves.

Come on, don't make me reread every single Dramatis Personae! The books are all the way over there, two feet out of reach! YOU INHUMAN MONSTERS
Hello, soldiers, look at your mage, now back to me, now back at your mage, now back to me. Sadly, he isnít me, but if he stopped being an unascended mortal and switched to Sole Spice, he could smell like heís me. Look down, back up, where are you? Youíre in a warren with the High Mage your cadre mage could smell like. Whatís in your hand, back at me. I have it, itís an acorn with two gates to that realm you love. Look again, the acorn is now otataral. Anything is possible when your mage smells like Sole Spice and not a Bole brother. Iím on a quorl.
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#22 User is offline   Tsundoku 

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Posted 20 January 2010 - 10:28 AM

The Errant.

Because he twitched his finger and Trull died, making you all cry like a big pack of girly men. And girls. :pirate:

Because he works so many people here into a lather they had to form a discriminatory club.

He is like the ultimate Godfather. He even got over being a God.

EDIT: Oh yeah, I forgot Brys. And I like Brys, but you have to respect how much of a badass clunge The Errant is.

This post has been edited by Sombra: 22 January 2010 - 04:23 AM

"Fortune favors the bold, though statistics favor the cautious." - Indomitable Courteous (Icy) Fist, The Palace Job - Patrick Weekes

"Well well well ... if it ain't The Invisible C**t." - Billy Butcher, The Boys

"I have strong views about not tempting providence and, as a wise man once said, the difference between luck and a wheelbarrow is, luck doesnít work if you push it." - Colonel Orhan, Sixteen Ways to Defend a Walled City - KJ Parker
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#23 User is offline   Obdigore 

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Posted 21 January 2010 - 07:32 PM

Illy.

I hereby demand you put Heboric on your list. Below EVERYONE, EVER.

Heboric - I have these awesome hands, put don't use them for anything. Also I keep taking up book space for no reason and I suck.

Really Bre'negan, a neg rep for this? And you write 'cosnider for a moment his life story...'

I have considered it. It sucks. Heboric is a total failure for anything beyond casting fener out of his god-realm. His stupid little hands make me want to cut off his head to see if he gets a red or green ghost head. How about that. In other news, neg-repping then not posting your disagreement seems foolish and contrary to the public good. I would love to hear you try to defend heboric, the master of wasted malazan space. You are obviously reading the thread, why not try posting.

This post has been edited by Obdigore: 21 January 2010 - 07:40 PM

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#24 User is offline   Illuyankas 

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Posted 21 January 2010 - 07:55 PM

He throws the second most badass character like a bitch. Bumps him up quite a bit. Also you're implying that he's worse than L'oric, which is so incorrect it's spontaneously changed history so that John Lennon was assassinated and the Beatles never got back together, editing all memories, evidence and recordings and leaving me the only one to remember the original timeline. Bit of a downer, that.
Hello, soldiers, look at your mage, now back to me, now back at your mage, now back to me. Sadly, he isnít me, but if he stopped being an unascended mortal and switched to Sole Spice, he could smell like heís me. Look down, back up, where are you? Youíre in a warren with the High Mage your cadre mage could smell like. Whatís in your hand, back at me. I have it, itís an acorn with two gates to that realm you love. Look again, the acorn is now otataral. Anything is possible when your mage smells like Sole Spice and not a Bole brother. Iím on a quorl.
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#25 User is offline   K'Chain Bull'shite 

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Posted 21 January 2010 - 07:55 PM

An argument for Draconus going down a few notches:

This guy is the Elder God of Abject Failure.

So, he enters Kurald Galain, maybe he's a True Eleint, maybe something else. The priestesses fairly drip, etc. We don't know what he was doing prior to this but I speculate he spent a lot of time sucking his thumb. I will explain...

So he proclaims himself 'Consort of Dark', implying that he's banging Mother Dark yes? No issue. Not even Arnold Swarzennegger three daughters and no boys indicating small cock, offspring. No offspring whatsoever. Father Light shows up and with no hesitation the Dark Lady dumps Draconus and brings ruin and eternal desolation to hundreds of thousands of people (if not millions) because he's that much cooler than Draconus. So...what does Draconus do? Out of some pathetic need to repair the situation, he manufactures a crisis, that of Chaos 'closing in' on the gate to Kurald Galain and spends his melancholy, little-dicked, lonely moments forging a sword to chain the gate to KG in a sword powered by souls which must be collected by the wielder by way of slaying, presumably in an effort to win back the big dark lady's love. Paint an 'L' on your forehead, you colossal pantywaste. As we all know by now, Dragnipur was a juvenile mistake and only served to cause more problems, solving none. And then, THEN, Anomander, his titular stepson, under the watchful eye of Draconus' own bastard daughter no less, takes it away from him and imprisons him within it.

A couple of hundred thousand years pass. He realizes what a shit idea Dragnipur was. This does not help his situation.

He is released due to an incredible act of sacrifice by Anomandaris. Otherwise he would have languished forever.

He still loves her.

And then proceeds to act in a fairly convincing badass manner. Still, he should go down a few notches simply because he is positively rubbish at forward thinking :p
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#26 User is offline   Illuyankas 

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Posted 21 January 2010 - 08:14 PM

Sorry, Bre'nigan:

1. The Errant is the Elder God of Abject Failure
2. Father Light doesn't even get a mention on the list until he shows up in the books, he's that much of a no-show
3. Hindsight is the best general but can't really help at the time it's needed
4. Mother Dark is useless, close to the opposite of badass, and being dumped by such a useless deity only makes him look better in comparison, fondness for exes aside
5. Envy and Spite are pretty awesome as daughters go so he's sorted offspring-wise
6. You're kind of projecting with the stream of small dick references there, chum. Not quite a Dragnipur in the weapon department, are we? Don't worry, she isn't that put off

Nice try, but no dice.

This post has been edited by Illuyankas: 21 January 2010 - 08:15 PM

Hello, soldiers, look at your mage, now back to me, now back at your mage, now back to me. Sadly, he isnít me, but if he stopped being an unascended mortal and switched to Sole Spice, he could smell like heís me. Look down, back up, where are you? Youíre in a warren with the High Mage your cadre mage could smell like. Whatís in your hand, back at me. I have it, itís an acorn with two gates to that realm you love. Look again, the acorn is now otataral. Anything is possible when your mage smells like Sole Spice and not a Bole brother. Iím on a quorl.
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#27 User is offline   Malaclypse 

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Posted 21 January 2010 - 08:26 PM

Opinions are like assholes - everybody's got one :p

#28 User is offline   Illuyankas 

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Posted 21 January 2010 - 08:27 PM

Fortunately, mine is correct.
Hello, soldiers, look at your mage, now back to me, now back at your mage, now back to me. Sadly, he isnít me, but if he stopped being an unascended mortal and switched to Sole Spice, he could smell like heís me. Look down, back up, where are you? Youíre in a warren with the High Mage your cadre mage could smell like. Whatís in your hand, back at me. I have it, itís an acorn with two gates to that realm you love. Look again, the acorn is now otataral. Anything is possible when your mage smells like Sole Spice and not a Bole brother. Iím on a quorl.
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#29 User is offline   Obdigore 

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Posted 21 January 2010 - 08:33 PM

View PostIlluyankas, on 21 January 2010 - 07:55 PM, said:

He throws the second most badass character like a bitch. Bumps him up quite a bit. Also you're implying that he's worse than L'oric, which is so incorrect it's spontaneously changed history so that John Lennon was assassinated and the Beatles never got back together, editing all memories, evidence and recordings and leaving me the only one to remember the original timeline. Bit of a downer, that.


Yes, but that was before Karsa (Insert Dick joke here) grew up into the badassitude he is now.

Heboric does nothing but whine and bitch. He dosen't know what god he is serving, he can't even fight off 8 random deadpeople. If you have Whiskeyjack at the bottom, then Heboric must go below him. Whiskeyjack had your High Pimp DEAD, if his leg hadn't given out. Heboric got chopped up like a little bitch, and now appears in some little girls dreams digging in a desert with his idiotic hands.

I also think you miss the fact that L'oric got stabbed in the back and pretended to be dead so he could hear the plans of his enemies. He also has a skull sucking brain eating demon for a pet, how do you have the pet as more badass than the mage who controls him?

If you really want to get into it, your list is shit.

How is Quick Ben below someone like Felisin Paran. Sold into slavery by her sister, yea not really badass. Fucking the head slaver and anyone he wants for more food, not very badass. Running across a desert with an awesome guy (baudin) and a total tool (heboric), not very badass. Getting controlled by a godess instead of killing/controlling the godess? Not very badass. QB blows through KB and B. He faces down 3 dragons at once, forcing them to turn on each other, and essentially making them weak enough to be killed. He Spies on a badass, Hood, by HIDING IN HOODS FENCE. The man is a badass. Felisin Paran's only claim on badassness would be based on how loose her ass might be after being ridden by anyone who wanted a ride. Totally different type of badass.

Why do you have two idiotic references to people not featuring in this series anywhere above the halfway point? Before we met Rake, he would have been near the top of badassitude.

Gothos is not badass. Gothos is less badass than Tays. They both used their power in the past, and they both disappear into nothingness. Except Gothos is like 'its a joke, lololololol' He actually said 'el, oh, el, oh'. Yea, Gothos is one of those people.

Trotts should be a helluva lot further down. He used a sword and shield to beat some kid with two knives. Oh wow. How fucking useless. He files his teeth because he knows he sucks dick, and wants some sort of way of hurting anyone who is better than him.

Yeddan Derryg, voyuer? More like Yeddan Derryg, I kill liosan and forkrull assail and dosen't afraid of witches and warlocks.

How is hte Sea Hobo anywhere above the bottom 10 on this list. Failed admiral, wanders around the ocean yelling at his crew and probably having unwilling man on barrel sex. Thats what storms are for. Worst Sea Captain Ever.

Orfantal flies around as a fucking dragon killing things, and only gets defeated by one of hte top 5 on the list, and you have him at the bottom?

T'amber - Battle Lesbian. More like possessed by the Eres. A puppet with woman parts. I suppose that is about par for the course for what you dream every night, eh? Only included to provide a place for Lostara to lick later.

Ganoes, below Lorn? Little Miss, I need a whole sword and still get fucked up by a mortal, whereas Ganoes uses just a piece of the sword to kill a godess? Ganoes, now leader of Dujek's 10,000? Ganoes, master of the deck who even gods must get the approval of for some things? Ganoes, the man with the plan to bitchsmack the CG AND all the gods for being dumbasses and setting things right? Really?

Kuru Quan, I can wipe out your whole race unless someone who is near the bottom of hte list throws a spear at me? I hang from the ceiling because I am a dumbass when it comes to people?

Leoman not at the bottom - because burning your own army then running away like a little bitch is badass? Yea right.

Udinaas - if Whiskeyjack is anywhere near the bottom on this list, then Udinaas shouldn't even be on it. Raped by a goddess, check. Possesed by the sissy-ass offspring of dragons? check. Chased after some pre-teen bitch who loves the errant? check. Wandered around lost in the wilderness like Moses little boy whore for years? Check.

Shadowthrone should be your most badass character, not Torvald Nom. Torvalds wife was nailing his cousin and lied to him about it. Would a badass take that? Torvald was a prisoner, and only escaped because Karsa 'I break your wood' came along to let him out. He works as a gate guard. A GATE GUARD. BADASS CHARACTERS ARE EITHER INSIDE THE GATE NAILING WENCHES OR BREAKING THE GATE DOWN. THEY DO NOT 'GUARD' IT. Shadowthrone, on the other hand, controls everything. And everyone. They just don't know it. HIs hazy ass is going to be sitting on every throne when this series is doen. He is going to control everything. And you know what he is going to do with it? Nothing. How Badass is that. He can do anything he fucking wants, but just dosen't care enough to change a single thing.

Bre'nigan - You are wrong. Mother Dark Fucking Draconus knew he would be trapped in the sword, after the curse by Kallor. He has been out of the sword at times. He bided his time. He waited. And now he has Ubala 'I want to sex you' Pung with a mace to go eat the face of the CG, while he kills all the barghast menfolk and impregnates all the women. Besides, MommyDearest is back, so he comes out of his home to NAIL THE BEST PUSSY EVER. It might be a little loose after spawning two entire races, but hell, shes got tricks you can't even fathom.

PS - Urko should not be up there. Urko, I can punch things but I'm a little bitch anyway is a pansy and should be in the middle of hte list anyway. A single fucking arrow could take him out. I bet Whiskeyjack, your lowest on the list, could have killed Urko. Urko needed a shitload of help to defeat Ryllandaras, which a Banished Segulah defeated by himself. A Segulah that was probably about the same rank as the one beaten by iron bars. Who isn't as good as Skinner with his super armor, who gets defeated by Dassem even with his super armor, who used to spar with and have trouble with Whiskeyjack, who didn't have super armor. THEREFORE, URKO IS HALF THE BADASS, IF TWICE THE SIZE, OF WHISKEYJACK.

Also, the fact you put Trull so low because you are afraid you think you are gay if you like him is pretty telling. I would think a badass response would be the fact that he held off one of the biggest badasses while lying on his side with a broken spear is pretty telling. But wait, you have to try and do the gay-bashing to hide your fear of being homosexual yourself. Not badass at all.

Summary: Illy's order is shit and he is afraid that he is gay. Heboric should be at the bottom and cane-holding, pimp-hat-wearing, sitting in his 'crib' drinkin his juice Shadowthrone should be at the top.
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#30 User is offline   Malaclypse 

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Posted 21 January 2010 - 08:33 PM

Correct in the sense of 'adequately lubed' ? :p

edit: cross-posted with Obdigore who is ...on a tear it seems :p

Fuck it, I agree with Ob1, who the fuck put you in charge of this effort anyway Illy? :p

This post has been edited by Malaclypse: 21 January 2010 - 08:49 PM


#31 User is offline   Sinisdar Toste 

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Posted 21 January 2010 - 08:46 PM

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SNAP!
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#32 User is offline   HoosierDaddy 

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Posted 21 January 2010 - 08:52 PM

On the realistic list of badass characters, Kallor is a bad mamma-jamma. I think he purposefully waits til his children are born to kill them. Plus, Whiskeyjack had nothing dead to rights other than a lunge into a barrel-full of sand.

Whiskeyjack is awesome. Iskar Jarak? That dude's a hippie.
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#33 User is offline   Obdigore 

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Posted 21 January 2010 - 08:58 PM

View PostH.D., on 21 January 2010 - 08:52 PM, said:

On the realistic list of badass characters, Kallor is a bad mamma-jamma. I think he purposefully waits til his children are born to kill them. Plus, Whiskeyjack had nothing dead to rights other than a lunge into a barrel-full of sand.

Whiskeyjack is awesome. Iskar Jarak? That dude's a hippie.


I agree with most of the top of Illy's list, I just don't agree with the mid-bottom as I listed.

Whiskeyjack wouldn't have lunged unless he was putting his sword through Kallor's heart. Would Kallor have been healed by the CG? Possibly, but that dosen't mean the Whiskeyjack wasn't killing Kallor without some sort of outside help, which shouldn't count towards Kallors badass or any perceived lack of Whiskeyjack badass.

Whiskeyjack should be much much further up.

@Mal - you agree with me? I sense a great disturbance on the forums. As if thousands of jaws had suddenly dropped in suprise.
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#34 User is offline   Illuyankas 

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Posted 21 January 2010 - 10:15 PM

View PostObdigore, on 21 January 2010 - 08:33 PM, said:

Heboric does nothing but get high, rip assassins to pieces with his tiger hands and turn crazy. He survived the loss of one deity and being coerced into serving another, and he gets surprised and is the main target of eight Crippled God-powered T'lan Imass, who generally fuck over humans. If you have Whiskeyjack at the bottom, then you're quite right to have Heboric above him. Whiskeyjack was about to mildly inconvience a man who basically ignored the attack of Dassword Swordtor and then die horribly, his leg giving out only speeding up this process. Heboric got chopped up like a little bitch, which is why he's not that high, and now appears in a forty year old woman's dreams digging in a desert, setting up awesome Jade Giant schenanigans in the later books. I am also prejudiced against the disabled.

I also think you miss the fact that L'oric BLAH BLAH NEED TO LOOK AFTER RAPE BABY FUCK CHOICE I AM A DICKWAD to Scillara, and decided that feigning death was more badass than beating the answers he wanted out of them. He also has a skull sucking brain eating demon for a pet, how do you have the pet as more badass than the mage who controls him? How, by being L'oric.

If you really want to get into it, your list is fantastic.

How is Quick Ben below someone like Felisin Paran. Basically I will suck the cock of anyone with magical abilities who hides like a pussy, but one character suffering through horrible events that force her into doing things she really doesn't want to do or else die, basically enduring more shit than anyone else in the series with no supernatural backup only to survive the onslaught of horror that is most of DG? Fuck that, mundane characters can't be badass because magic or superhuman acts are the only things that count in fantasy. QB equals the feats of two soldiers and a bunch of rednecks and beats B&KB, only having to use almost all of his power to do it instead of a punch. He distracts three dragons long enough for them to think, "Fuck this, I'm out of here," and basically do all the work for him which is lazy, not badass. He Spies on a badass, Hood, by HIDING, HIDING LIKE A LITTLE PUSSY, YEAH GOOD CHOICE OF BADASSERY THERE. The man is a wimp, running until forced to act. Felisin Paran's survives some of the worst situations and circumstances a normal human has in the series, and lives, before sadly getting fucked over by a deity, like most of the people in the series who get fucked over.

Gothos is badass. Gothos is more badass than Tays. They both used their power in the past, and they both decided to chill out for a while. Only Gothos freezes continents, and drinks fine quality tea. Suggesting he speaks like a lolcat is the most pathetic thing I could have said so far. Let's see if I can beat it!

Trotts uses his fucking brain to fight and battles beyond certain limits, like fatal blood loss. Also has a sense of humour to wind up officers, and I also appear to be focusing on dick jokes, I just can't get the image of a swarthy tribesman sucking cock out of my head.

Wait, why am I complaining about the Watch? He's pretty high on the list for someone ordered around by Queen Sparkly Vampire.

Sorry, I had a point about how badass captains who sail wherever specifically not giving a fuck were actually not badass but I got distracted by delicous sailor buttsex again and I forgot my point. Not 'that' point, if you know what I mean, wink wink.

Orfantal, while he does fly around as a fucking dragon killing birds and being owned by Raest, he also gets soundly trounced by Kallor, and while he was killed by one of the most badass characters on the list, that doesn't narrow it down and he should have had a better showing that this.

I got kind of confused at T'amber, I thought I'd insult lesbians (with those disgusting vaginas, give me a good hard stiff cock anyday) and say she was better than where you listed her but then I started talking about how she was just a puppet for a better kind of monkey and realised I was destroying my position, so never mind.

Ganoes, below Lorn? Little Miss, I use an otataral sword and it takes the best precision swordsman of the entire Crimson Guard to thwart me, whereas Ganoes uses just a piece of the sword to prick a goddess in that most vital of spots, the hand, and lets something else kill her because he lacks the power? Ganoes, now leader of Dujek's 10,000 because he happened to be there at the right time? Ganoes, master of the deck, essentially the divine Approvals Board? Ganoes, the man whose plan to bitchsmack the CG AND all the gods for being dumbasses and setting things right is "Wing it" ?

Kuru Quan, I can wipe out your whole race unless someone who is near the bottom of the list uses his unique racial ability to catch me offguard? I can afford to relax and not get too wound up over things because I can annihilate a species?

Leoman ranking pretty highly amongst 'useful cavalry commanders' in harrying the Bonehunters along their march, not getting killed by a fuckton of ghosts, being a bit of a dick and sacrificing his entire army to murderlise his besiegers and exploiting resources to make a tactical retreat? (although really I'm annoyed at him for killing Truth, his freshfaced naivety was a real turn on)

Udinaas - Ever since I wrote that yaoi fanfiction of Rhulad and Udinaas (Rhulad was the top, obviously) I've had a hard time imagining him as anything other than a doe-eyed waif being manfully handled by the strong firm arms of Rhulad, throwing me to the bed and plunging deep into- whoa, wait, what? Er, I mean he doesn't fit my mental image of a badass, but anyone who earns the respect of Silchas Ruin without any powers must be badass, right?

Shadowthrone should be your most badass character, not Torvald Nom. ...Yep, beat it. Excuse me for a moment while I gargle these penises and attempt to defend my incorrect and foolhardy position. Tmphmph's wmph wmph nmphmph hmph cmphmph mph lmph tmph hmph amphmph mph. Wmph mph bmphmph tmph tmph? Tmphmph wmph mph prmphmphmph, mph mphmph esmphmph bmphmph Kmph 'Mph brmph ymph wmph' cmph mphlmph tmph lmph hmph mph. Hmph wmphs mph mph gmph gmph. MPH GMPH GMPH. BMPHMPH CMPHMPHMPHS MPH MPHMPH MPHSMPH TMPH GMPH NMPHLMPH WMPHS MPH BRMPHKMPH TMPH GMPH DMPH. TMPH DMPH NMPH 'GMPH' MPH. Shadowthrone, on the other hand, thinks he controls everything, and everyone. They just don't know it. And are not effected by it. At all. He's getting a little senile in his old age, you know. His hazy ass is going to be sitting on every throne when this series is done, but when you've got achey hips and a weak bladder it's better than a diaper. He is going to write a note saying, "I control everything! And you know what I'm going to do with it? Nothing. How badass is that. I can do anything I fucking want, but I just don't care enough to change a single thing!" And his nurse will nod sympathetically as Shadowthrone shows him the note in one shaking hand and wash him after another 'little accident'.

Bre'nigan - You are wrong. Mother Dark Fucking Draconus knew he would be trapped in the sword, after the curse by Kallor. He has been out of the sword at times. He bided his time. He waited. And now he has Ubala 'I want to sex you' Pung with a mace to go eat the face of the CG, while he kills all the barghast menfolk and impregnates all the women. Besides, MommyDearest is back, so he comes out of his home to NAIL THE BEST PUSSY EVER. It might be a little loose after spawning two entire races, but hell, shes got tricks you can't even fathom. (This sentence is totally correct and I have no argument whatsover)

PS - Urko should totally be up there. Urko, I can punch things to death is a killing machine. A single fucking arrow could take him out, as it could take out every single non-dragon or non-rubbish Elder Race character in the series, like Quick or Ganoes or Trull or Orfantal in Andii form or etc. I bet Whiskeyjack, your lowest on the list, could have injured Urko before Urko punched his whinging idiot attitude out of his body and go for beers. Urko needed a shitload of help to permanently Ryllandaras, which a Banished Segulah held back by himself, before getting killed by Ryllandaras. Who wasn't killed by the Jackal? Oh, Urko, of course. Excuse me again, I have to get my 'sourceless assumption' cock ready for this sentence. Mph Smphgmphlmph tmph wmph prmphabmphlmph mphbmph tmph smph rmph mph tmph mph bmphtmph bmph mphmph bmphs. Wmph mphnmph mph gmph mph Skmphmph wmph hmph smphpmph rmphmph, wmph gmphs dmphfmphtmph bmph Dmphsmph mphmph wmph hmph smphpmph rmphmph, wmph mph tmph spmph wmph mph hmph trmphbmph wmph Wmphkmphjmph, wmph dmphnmph hmph smphpmph rmphmph. TMPHFMPH, URMPHKMPH MPH HMPH TMPH BMPHDMPH, MPH TWMPH TMPH SMPH, MPH WMPHKMPHJMPH. Ergh! Now I've taken that penis out of my mouth, I have to wonder why I'd think that chain of baseless assumptions would be a convincing argument at all.

Also, the fact you put Trull so low because you are afraid you think you are gay if you like him is pretty telling. I would think a badass response would be the fact that he held off one of the biggest badasses while standing up (get it right, jeez) with a gradually whittled down spear, it's just a shame that's packaged with a depressed whinging pacifistic crybaby who couldn't man up and help out his brother and got done over by definitively and measurably the worst Elder God. But wait, you have to try and do the gay-bashing to hide your fear of being homosexual yourself. It's a pity that you're in a different country, I could show you that you have nothing to be afraid of *wink wink*

Summary: Illy's order is pretty awesome and I'm quite taken with the fellow. Heboric should be at around the height he is now and rattle-holding, rompersuit-wearing, sitting in his actual cuddly-toy-and-mobile-strewn crib drinking his apple juice, senilely-regressed-into-infancy Shadowthrone should be about the same, really. Now if you'll excuse me, I have the rest of this barrel of dicks to chug.

Sorry Obdigore, you're just not my type.
Hello, soldiers, look at your mage, now back to me, now back at your mage, now back to me. Sadly, he isnít me, but if he stopped being an unascended mortal and switched to Sole Spice, he could smell like heís me. Look down, back up, where are you? Youíre in a warren with the High Mage your cadre mage could smell like. Whatís in your hand, back at me. I have it, itís an acorn with two gates to that realm you love. Look again, the acorn is now otataral. Anything is possible when your mage smells like Sole Spice and not a Bole brother. Iím on a quorl.
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#35 User is offline   Malaclypse 

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Posted 21 January 2010 - 10:32 PM

View PostIlluyankas, on 21 January 2010 - 10:15 PM, said:

View PostObdigore, on 21 January 2010 - 08:33 PM, said:

Heboric does nothing but get high, rip assassins to pieces with his tiger hands and turn crazy. He survived the loss of one deity and being coerced into serving another, and he gets surprised and is the main target of eight Crippled God-powered T'lan Imass, who generally fuck over humans. If you have Whiskeyjack at the bottom, then you're quite right to have Heboric above him. Whiskeyjack was about to mildly inconvience a man who basically ignored the attack of Dassword Swordtor and then die horribly, his leg giving out only speeding up this process. Heboric got chopped up like a little bitch, which is why he's not that high, and now appears in a forty year old woman's dreams digging in a desert, setting up awesome Jade Giant schenanigans in the later books. I am also prejudiced against the disabled.

I also think you miss the fact that L'oric BLAH BLAH NEED TO LOOK AFTER RAPE BABY FUCK CHOICE I AM A DICKWAD to Scillara, and decided that feigning death was more badass than beating the answers he wanted out of them. He also has a skull sucking brain eating demon for a pet, how do you have the pet as more badass than the mage who controls him? How, by being L'oric.

If you really want to get into it, your list is fantastic.

How is Quick Ben below someone like Felisin Paran. Basically I will suck the cock of anyone with magical abilities who hides like a pussy, but one character suffering through horrible events that force her into doing things she really doesn't want to do or else die, basically enduring more shit than anyone else in the series with no supernatural backup only to survive the onslaught of horror that is most of DG? Fuck that, mundane characters can't be badass because magic or superhuman acts are the only things that count in fantasy. QB equals the feats of two soldiers and a bunch of rednecks and beats B&KB, only having to use almost all of his power to do it instead of a punch. He distracts three dragons long enough for them to think, "Fuck this, I'm out of here," and basically do all the work for him which is lazy, not badass. He Spies on a badass, Hood, by HIDING, HIDING LIKE A LITTLE PUSSY, YEAH GOOD CHOICE OF BADASSERY THERE. The man is a wimp, running until forced to act. Felisin Paran's survives some of the worst situations and circumstances a normal human has in the series, and lives, before sadly getting fucked over by a deity, like most of the people in the series who get fucked over.

Gothos is badass. Gothos is more badass than Tays. They both used their power in the past, and they both decided to chill out for a while. Only Gothos freezes continents, and drinks fine quality tea. Suggesting he speaks like a lolcat is the most pathetic thing I could have said so far. Let's see if I can beat it!

Trotts uses his fucking brain to fight and battles beyond certain limits, like fatal blood loss. Also has a sense of humour to wind up officers, and I also appear to be focusing on dick jokes, I just can't get the image of a swarthy tribesman sucking cock out of my head.

Wait, why am I complaining about the Watch? He's pretty high on the list for someone ordered around by Queen Sparkly Vampire.

Sorry, I had a point about how badass captains who sail wherever specifically not giving a fuck were actually not badass but I got distracted by delicous sailor buttsex again and I forgot my point. Not 'that' point, if you know what I mean, wink wink.

Orfantal, while he does fly around as a fucking dragon killing birds and being owned by Raest, he also gets soundly trounced by Kallor, and while he was killed by one of the most badass characters on the list, that doesn't narrow it down and he should have had a better showing that this.

I got kind of confused at T'amber, I thought I'd insult lesbians (with those disgusting vaginas, give me a good hard stiff cock anyday) and say she was better than where you listed her but then I started talking about how she was just a puppet for a better kind of monkey and realised I was destroying my position, so never mind.

Ganoes, below Lorn? Little Miss, I use an otataral sword and it takes the best precision swordsman of the entire Crimson Guard to thwart me, whereas Ganoes uses just a piece of the sword to prick a goddess in that most vital of spots, the hand, and lets something else kill her because he lacks the power? Ganoes, now leader of Dujek's 10,000 because he happened to be there at the right time? Ganoes, master of the deck, essentially the divine Approvals Board? Ganoes, the man whose plan to bitchsmack the CG AND all the gods for being dumbasses and setting things right is "Wing it" ?

Kuru Quan, I can wipe out your whole race unless someone who is near the bottom of the list uses his unique racial ability to catch me offguard? I can afford to relax and not get too wound up over things because I can annihilate a species?

Leoman ranking pretty highly amongst 'useful cavalry commanders' in harrying the Bonehunters along their march, not getting killed by a fuckton of ghosts, being a bit of a dick and sacrificing his entire army to murderlise his besiegers and exploiting resources to make a tactical retreat? (although really I'm annoyed at him for killing Truth, his freshfaced naivety was a real turn on)

Udinaas - Ever since I wrote that yaoi fanfiction of Rhulad and Udinaas (Rhulad was the top, obviously) I've had a hard time imagining him as anything other than a doe-eyed waif being manfully handled by the strong firm arms of Rhulad, throwing me to the bed and plunging deep into- whoa, wait, what? Er, I mean he doesn't fit my mental image of a badass, but anyone who earns the respect of Silchas Ruin without any powers must be badass, right?

Shadowthrone should be your most badass character, not Torvald Nom. ...Yep, beat it. Excuse me for a moment while I gargle these penises and attempt to defend my incorrect and foolhardy position. Tmphmph's wmph wmph nmphmph hmph cmphmph mph lmph tmph hmph amphmph mph. Wmph mph bmphmph tmph tmph? Tmphmph wmph mph prmphmphmph, mph mphmph esmphmph bmphmph Kmph 'Mph brmph ymph wmph' cmph mphlmph tmph lmph hmph mph. Hmph wmphs mph mph gmph gmph. MPH GMPH GMPH. BMPHMPH CMPHMPHMPHS MPH MPHMPH MPHSMPH TMPH GMPH NMPHLMPH WMPHS MPH BRMPHKMPH TMPH GMPH DMPH. TMPH DMPH NMPH 'GMPH' MPH. Shadowthrone, on the other hand, thinks he controls everything, and everyone. They just don't know it. And are not effected by it. At all. He's getting a little senile in his old age, you know. His hazy ass is going to be sitting on every throne when this series is done, but when you've got achey hips and a weak bladder it's better than a diaper. He is going to write a note saying, "I control everything! And you know what I'm going to do with it? Nothing. How badass is that. I can do anything I fucking want, but I just don't care enough to change a single thing!" And his nurse will nod sympathetically as Shadowthrone shows him the note in one shaking hand and wash him after another 'little accident'.

Bre'nigan - You are wrong. Mother Dark Fucking Draconus knew he would be trapped in the sword, after the curse by Kallor. He has been out of the sword at times. He bided his time. He waited. And now he has Ubala 'I want to sex you' Pung with a mace to go eat the face of the CG, while he kills all the barghast menfolk and impregnates all the women. Besides, MommyDearest is back, so he comes out of his home to NAIL THE BEST PUSSY EVER. It might be a little loose after spawning two entire races, but hell, shes got tricks you can't even fathom. (This sentence is totally correct and I have no argument whatsover)

PS - Urko should totally be up there. Urko, I can punch things to death is a killing machine. A single fucking arrow could take him out, as it could take out every single non-dragon or non-rubbish Elder Race character in the series, like Quick or Ganoes or Trull or Orfantal in Andii form or etc. I bet Whiskeyjack, your lowest on the list, could have injured Urko before Urko punched his whinging idiot attitude out of his body and go for beers. Urko needed a shitload of help to permanently Ryllandaras, which a Banished Segulah held back by himself, before getting killed by Ryllandaras. Who wasn't killed by the Jackal? Oh, Urko, of course. Excuse me again, I have to get my 'sourceless assumption' cock ready for this sentence. Mph Smphgmphlmph tmph wmph prmphabmphlmph mphbmph tmph smph rmph mph tmph mph bmphtmph bmph mphmph bmphs. Wmph mphnmph mph gmph mph Skmphmph wmph hmph smphpmph rmphmph, wmph gmphs dmphfmphtmph bmph Dmphsmph mphmph wmph hmph smphpmph rmphmph, wmph mph tmph spmph wmph mph hmph trmphbmph wmph Wmphkmphjmph, wmph dmphnmph hmph smphpmph rmphmph. TMPHFMPH, URMPHKMPH MPH HMPH TMPH BMPHDMPH, MPH TWMPH TMPH SMPH, MPH WMPHKMPHJMPH. Ergh! Now I've taken that penis out of my mouth, I have to wonder why I'd think that chain of baseless assumptions would be a convincing argument at all.

Also, the fact you put Trull so low because you are afraid you think you are gay if you like him is pretty telling. I would think a badass response would be the fact that he held off one of the biggest badasses while standing up (get it right, jeez) with a gradually whittled down spear, it's just a shame that's packaged with a depressed whinging pacifistic crybaby who couldn't man up and help out his brother and got done over by definitively and measurably the worst Elder God. But wait, you have to try and do the gay-bashing to hide your fear of being homosexual yourself. It's a pity that you're in a different country, I could show you that you have nothing to be afraid of *wink wink*

Summary: Illy's order is pretty awesome and I'm quite taken with the fellow. Heboric should be at around the height he is now and rattle-holding, rompersuit-wearing, sitting in his actual cuddly-toy-and-mobile-strewn crib drinking his apple juice, senilely-regressed-into-infancy Shadowthrone should be about the same, really. Now if you'll excuse me, I have the rest of this barrel of dicks to chug.

Sorry Obdigore, you're just not my type.


WTF?! By this paltry line you intend to nullify the effort that ha sbeen put into this post?! Dirty pool, my friend. And I'm not having it.

You lose, in my book. The mark of a man is, once he's made himself (which you haven't), to defend against credible challenges. This, what you've offered in response, is pathetic. Somebody goes to the trouble to itemize their thoughts in opposition to yours and you must return the favour - anything less is ....well, PUSSYFICATION!

Grab a hold of your manhood. Power corrupts but damn, you're not so loved that you can get away with this shit :p

This post has been edited by Malaclypse: 21 January 2010 - 10:38 PM


#36 User is offline   Obdigore 

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Posted 21 January 2010 - 10:36 PM

Actually Mal, he took the time to rewrite most of my post in the edit.

Of course most of it is about him being afraid to let his homosexual nature through, so he casts such activites onto both me and the characters in the books, while completely failing to actually defend any point on his list what so ever.
Monster Hunter World Iceborne: It's like hunting monsters, but on crack, but the monsters are also on crack.
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#37 User is offline   Malaclypse 

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Posted 21 January 2010 - 10:42 PM

View PostObdigore, on 21 January 2010 - 10:36 PM, said:

Actually Mal, he took the time to rewrite most of my post in the edit.

Of course most of it is about him being afraid to let his homosexual nature through, so he casts such activites onto both me and the characters in the books, while completely failing to actually defend any point on his list what so ever.


thus reinforcing my point. Funny thing is, I like Illy and I don't like you. Principles will get you ..random places :p

#38 User is offline   Illuyankas 

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Posted 21 January 2010 - 10:43 PM

@Obdi: I'm confused as to how you saying 'herp derp ur ghey lololololol' apparently renders all points I brought up in the tasteful and appropriate rewrite of your post null and void. It's like you saw it and decided to focus on the penis entirely. How bizarre.

Although Whiskeyjack does become more badass after he dies, so I might put Iskar Jarak in a few places higher (crappy worshippers are a downer, but generalship of the undead is pretty sweet).

@Mal: 1. I really wanted to just replace all the words with 'mph' sound effects
2. Show me the credible challenge and I'll show you a response.
3. I am universally loved. UNIVERSALLY LOVED I SAY

This post has been edited by Illuyankas: 21 January 2010 - 10:47 PM

Hello, soldiers, look at your mage, now back to me, now back at your mage, now back to me. Sadly, he isnít me, but if he stopped being an unascended mortal and switched to Sole Spice, he could smell like heís me. Look down, back up, where are you? Youíre in a warren with the High Mage your cadre mage could smell like. Whatís in your hand, back at me. I have it, itís an acorn with two gates to that realm you love. Look again, the acorn is now otataral. Anything is possible when your mage smells like Sole Spice and not a Bole brother. Iím on a quorl.
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#39 User is offline   Malaclypse 

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Posted 21 January 2010 - 10:57 PM

OK, that's interesting, you're ignoring me now - like I haven't contributed to this conversation at all.

Is that courtesy or insult?I must consider...If it was consideration, on what basis? whose opinion do I care about? Steven Erikson's to be sure and maybe publishing people whom I know nothing whatsoever about. I admit, I worry about what those kind of people think about me. I do. I'm a babe in the woods in their world, that's why I've made it abundantly clear to all of those people that I will act as I see fit until and unless I get paid to modify my behaviour. I have so much to say and I may yet return to this conversation but, for now, I retreat :p

#40 User is offline   Illuyankas 

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Posted 21 January 2010 - 10:58 PM

Give me a moment to make an edit if I'm crossposting, dude.
Hello, soldiers, look at your mage, now back to me, now back at your mage, now back to me. Sadly, he isnít me, but if he stopped being an unascended mortal and switched to Sole Spice, he could smell like heís me. Look down, back up, where are you? Youíre in a warren with the High Mage your cadre mage could smell like. Whatís in your hand, back at me. I have it, itís an acorn with two gates to that realm you love. Look again, the acorn is now otataral. Anything is possible when your mage smells like Sole Spice and not a Bole brother. Iím on a quorl.
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