Malazan Empire: The Badass List of Badass characters - Revisited - Malazan Empire

Jump to content

  • 8 Pages +
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
  • Last »
  • You cannot start a new topic
  • You cannot reply to this topic

The Badass List of Badass characters - Revisited with 100% more accuracy AND SPOILERS all books

#41 User is offline   Obdigore 

  • ThunderBear
  • Group: High House Mafia
  • Posts: 5,997
  • Joined: 22-June 06

Posted 21 January 2010 - 11:01 PM

View PostIlluyankas, on 21 January 2010 - 10:43 PM, said:

@Obdi: I would like to gargle on your various bodily fluids and focus on your penis almost entirely

Although unlike tiste, I don't want you dead before I start.

@Mal: 1. I really you to give me a rubber mask with a ball in my mouth so I can make 'mph' sound effects
2. Being the gimp is who I am, dominate me.
3. I am a lover. Like those what-are-they-called in Bakker's trilogy.


How interesting.

Hopefully in the future you can fix your list to not be terrible.
Monster Hunter World Iceborne: It's like hunting monsters, but on crack, but the monsters are also on crack.
0

#42 User is offline   Illuyankas 

  • Retro Classic
  • Group: The Hateocracy of Truth
  • Posts: 7,254
  • Joined: 28-September 04
  • Will cluck you up

Posted 21 January 2010 - 11:07 PM

One day you'll persuade me that Whiskeyjack isn't terrible. One day.

Incidentally, someone could replace every word in the last ten or so posts with 'cocks' and not notice any decline in quality.
Hello, soldiers, look at your mage, now back to me, now back at your mage, now back to me. Sadly, he isnít me, but if he stopped being an unascended mortal and switched to Sole Spice, he could smell like heís me. Look down, back up, where are you? Youíre in a warren with the High Mage your cadre mage could smell like. Whatís in your hand, back at me. I have it, itís an acorn with two gates to that realm you love. Look again, the acorn is now otataral. Anything is possible when your mage smells like Sole Spice and not a Bole brother. Iím on a quorl.
0

#43 User is offline   Tsundoku 

  • Make the Empire Great Again
  • Group: Malaz Regular
  • Posts: 3,308
  • Joined: 06-January 03
  • Location:Maison de merde

Posted 22 January 2010 - 04:40 AM

View PostIlluyankas, on 21 January 2010 - 11:07 PM, said:

Incidentally, someone could replace every word in the last ten or so posts with 'cocks' and not notice any decline in quality.


True, because with all the bitchy whining going on in this thread, the smell of oestregen is overwhelming.

Bloody lovers tiffs - I'm off to the pub. :p

@Illy
I think you'd have to replace the Errant with Nightchill as the God(dess) of Abject Fail. Think about it.
"Fortune favors the bold, though statistics favor the cautious." - Indomitable Courteous (Icy) Fist, The Palace Job - Patrick Weekes

"Well well well ... if it ain't The Invisible C**t." - Billy Butcher, The Boys

"I have strong views about not tempting providence and, as a wise man once said, the difference between luck and a wheelbarrow is, luck doesnít work if you push it." - Colonel Orhan, Sixteen Ways to Defend a Walled City - KJ Parker
0

#44 User is offline   Malaclypse 

  • Banned User
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • Group: Banned Users
  • Posts: 1,350
  • Joined: 24-August 16

Posted 23 January 2010 - 06:28 PM

Ha, I was utterly smashed when I wrote that last post, but I stand by the rest :p

Forgive me Illy, lest I recount your exploits at the last two BBQ's :p

#45 User is offline   Imperial Historian 

  • Elder God
  • Group: Administrators
  • Posts: 5,642
  • Joined: 08-February 04

Posted 23 January 2010 - 07:38 PM

Ok I'm going to have to make it clear to you illy why whiskeyjack is badass.

Now whiskeyjack starts off as a stone breaker, and heís fairly content with his lot breaking stones, kicking back and just collecting his paycheck. But then god of death comes along throwing his weight around and takes off with his sister.

Now whiskeyjack is having no sister of his hanging round with an undead Jaghut who thinks heís the god of death, so he busts into his temple, throws the vís at hood and takes his sister back.

After this whiskeyjack realises that breaking stones is a just boring, so he joins the malazan army for a bit of excitement. Now everyone soon realises that whiskeyjack can kick some serious ass, and he goes around kicking ass and taking names and what do you know pretty soon the empires ruling half the world. Eventually he runs into the empires chief ass-kicker, hoodís boy dassem ultor. Now hoodís not forgotten whiskeyjack stopped him getting laid with his fine ass sister and tells dassem to kill his ass. So whiskeyjack and dassem throw down, and dassem cannot get past his defence, and all the time whiskeyjack is cracking wisecracks, and calling hood all sorts of names. Eventually dassem stops and says fuck you hood this guys to cool to kill, and whiskeyjack and dassem sit down and have a beer.

Now hoodís not having one of his boys throw something in his face like that, so he steals dassems daughter Ė a serious no-no, and in the resulting scuffle dassem swears eternal vengeance on hood, the emperor sidles into a new job as a puppeteer, and the job of emperorís suddenly opened up. Now everyone knows whiskeyjack is awesome, and even the emperor who didnít like anybody liked him, so they say lets make whiskeyjack the emperor.

Whiskeyjack says fuck that, thatís far too much work, let this scullery maid surly be the empress I donít want to do that. So surly becomes the empress, changes her name to lasseen and starts putting on airs. Now whiskeyjack is just fed up of all this business, so he goes back to being a sergeant where he can mess people up personally, so he trundles around putting down rebellions in seven cities, as if he says someones the empress everyone else better fucking listen. After putting the rebels in there place he notices some of them have run off, so he follows them across an uncrossable desert, figures out there cunning plan and turns the tables on 12 souled quick ben,( one of the cleverest men alive), and kalam (so bad-ass that the claw said fuck policy, we have to have him). Now whiskeyjack realises these guys are pretty fucking cool, so says fuck it, you two can follow me around and if surly says something, well who made her empress in the first place? So he takes these two, and the other dudes who followed him across the desert and massacres a fort full of 400 soldiers without any casualties. Then he decides to go and conquer genabackis, and it takes Jaghut created swamp warlocks, Tiste Andii, the most bad ass mercenary company on the planet, and caladan brood, a guy who makes mountatins to prevent him from just walking straight though and taking the whole damn continent.

Now lasseen is a paranoid bitch and thinks whiskeyjack is just too bad ass to live, so she sends high mage tayschren to kill him, who proceeds to kill two armies and drop a city on whiskeyjack to try and get rid of him. But whiskeyjack just walks right out of a city falling on him saying what was that all about?

Now whiskeyjack is a little annoyed that a city fell on him, so he decides to conquer darujhistan to let off some steam, so he heads to darujhistan creates all sorts of trouble, and decides fuck it lets not give this city to the empress Iíll take it myself.

Now hood is watching and heís thinking FUCK, this guys getting to much and starts interfering, as a result high mage tayschren, his pet demon, and Anomander rake throw down in the city. Now whiskeyjack is sitting having a beer watching the fight, when hood pushes a building on top of him, which fucks up his legÖ but whiskeyjack is so bad-ass he doesnít even notice. Then he proceeds to take darujhistan as his own, tells his opponents to stop being dicks and put him in charge, and then proceeds to kick the crippled gods army of cannibals off the continent.

On the way he picks up Korlat, a smoking hot immortal tiste Andii dragon, and becomes the second friend of Anomander Rake. Then whiskeyjack realises, hang the fuck on if I take all these guys with me to beat up the pannion theyíll just get in the way, so he tells caladan broodÖ look they went that way, who buys it completely, then proceeds to run across the continent so he can beat up the pannion first.

Brood finally realises that whiskeyjackís tricked him, and starts running after him and tells his continent ravaging, triply cursed, amazing swordsman and nearly immortal second kallor to catch him up. Now kallors being playing both teams, and hood and the crippled god both want him to kill whiskeyjack. So kallor and whiskeyjack throw down, and in about a second whiskeyjack has kallor dead, but then his leg which hood fucked up but he hadnít noticed breaks, and boom thatís it heís dead.

So whiskeyjacks lying there thinking shit, being dead is boring, so he decides fuck this Iíll become a god, whereupon he calls upon all the other dead soldiers and says alright listen boys, Iím in charge now. Now hood ainít to happy about this, so Anomander rake kills him, as you donít go messing with his boy.

But whiskeyjack plays the big man, and comes with his army of dead men, fights off chaos and saves the world. Then he says to hood alright weíre quits, my boy shouldnít have killed you like that, but Iím the god of death now so fuck off back to the real world.

And thatís why whiskeyjack is bad-ass, plus we all know why illy doesnít like him, itís because he knows whiskeyjack would beat him in a chicken leg eating contest.
10

#46 User is offline   Sixty 

  • Don't be fooled. I am very serious.
  • Group: High House Mafia
  • Posts: 762
  • Joined: 01-December 08
  • Location:New Hampshire

Posted 30 January 2010 - 10:39 PM

Shouldn't this be descending order?
0

#47 User is offline   Illuyankas 

  • Retro Classic
  • Group: The Hateocracy of Truth
  • Posts: 7,254
  • Joined: 28-September 04
  • Will cluck you up

Posted 30 January 2010 - 10:42 PM

FINALLY

I was wondering if any of the Whiskeyjack fans would get around to noticing I'd messed up but left that in.
Hello, soldiers, look at your mage, now back to me, now back at your mage, now back to me. Sadly, he isnít me, but if he stopped being an unascended mortal and switched to Sole Spice, he could smell like heís me. Look down, back up, where are you? Youíre in a warren with the High Mage your cadre mage could smell like. Whatís in your hand, back at me. I have it, itís an acorn with two gates to that realm you love. Look again, the acorn is now otataral. Anything is possible when your mage smells like Sole Spice and not a Bole brother. Iím on a quorl.
0

#48 User is offline   Ceda Kuru Qan 

  • Recruit
  • Group: Malaz Regular
  • Posts: 7
  • Joined: 15-January 10

Posted 03 February 2010 - 05:03 AM

Here's my personal Top 10 list of badass characters, going from most badass to least:
1. Karsa Orlong- the supreme confidence and skill, coupled with his massive sword, make him my most badass character. Witness!
2. Kalam Mekhar- his performances in Malaz City (both times) were completely badass and epic.
3. Anomander Rake- duh he's a huge eleint soletaken with perhaps the most badass weapon in the entire series.
4. Iron Bars- when you can kill Rhulad Sengar with a flick of your wrist and hold off five Tarthenal gods, you're badass.
5. Brys Beddict- his swordsmanship at the end of MT was epic.
6. Quick Ben- seriously, when you can command as many warrens as him, you're badass.
7. Seguleh Third- couldn't beat Tool in his prime, but is nontheless badass.
8. Coltaine- "Coltaine commands."
9. Tool- the former First Sword, need i say more?
10. Braven Tooth- the original hardass drill sergeant.

I'm sure there are others well suited to this list, but these were the best that came to my mind.
0

#49 User is offline   D'rek 

  • Consort of High House Mafia
  • Group: Super Moderators
  • Posts: 12,196
  • Joined: 08-August 07
  • Location::

Posted 05 February 2010 - 05:25 AM

I'd like to see added:

Bubyrd: his illusions eat each other
Bent: He's a dog. And he somehow knocked back a Nah'ruk. Not to mention sliding down a spear that is impaling him to bite the face off the spear-wielder.
Huntress: She beats up cripples
Corlo: He humiliates folks by making them piss and shit themselves just before his squad slaughters them.
Brukhalian: Do I need to say anything here? His flaming-black sword exploded after he fell, because he wanted to keep killing people after he was dead.
Banaschar: Not so cool in DoD or RG, but in tBH he got drunk every freaking day for an entire year!

View Postworrywort, on 14 September 2012 - 08:07 PM, said:

I kinda love it when D'rek unleashes her nerd wrath, as I knew she would here. Sorry innocent bystanders, but someone's gotta be the kindling.
0

#50 User is offline   Illuyankas 

  • Retro Classic
  • Group: The Hateocracy of Truth
  • Posts: 7,254
  • Joined: 28-September 04
  • Will cluck you up

Posted 05 February 2010 - 05:28 AM

Updates are coming.
Hello, soldiers, look at your mage, now back to me, now back at your mage, now back to me. Sadly, he isnít me, but if he stopped being an unascended mortal and switched to Sole Spice, he could smell like heís me. Look down, back up, where are you? Youíre in a warren with the High Mage your cadre mage could smell like. Whatís in your hand, back at me. I have it, itís an acorn with two gates to that realm you love. Look again, the acorn is now otataral. Anything is possible when your mage smells like Sole Spice and not a Bole brother. Iím on a quorl.
0

#51 User is offline   KeithF 

  • Sergeant
  • Group: Malaz Regular
  • Posts: 69
  • Joined: 10-March 09
  • Location:The Emerald Isle

Posted 06 February 2010 - 12:47 PM

I protest! Where is Kettle on this list?! The murderous munchkin must be included, or she might have to rip someone's throat out! Here's why:

-Managed to stuff more souls inside her head than anyone except Silverfox and Quick Ben.
-KILLS FORKRUL ASSAIL BY CLIMBING UP THEM TO PUNCH THEIR BRAINS OUT.
-Creeps out Shurq Elalle, the undead nymphomaniac.
-Kills people who're spying on you, without even telling you about it.
-Hangs out with Silchas Ruin, fellow nudist and badass.
-Turns skin fungus into a fashion statement.
-Auditioned for the part of the vampire in 'Let The Right One In', but was considered too scary.
-Faced off with the little girl from 'The Ring', and sent her home crying for her mommy.
-Phoned it in for most of 'Reaper's Gale', because she knew she couldn't top that scene where she was all matter-of-fact about being molested.
-Actually got Udinaas to get off his ass and do something instead of whining for once.
-Stuffed Pedobear into the Azath (deleted scene from Midnight Tides, coming soon on DVD. Trufax.).
-The kid from the Dr. Who episode 'The Empty Child' totally stole his "Are you my mummy?" schtick from her.
I think malazan is a pretty cool guy. eh kills well-loved characters and doesn't afraid of anything.
0

#52 User is offline   Crow Clan Baby 

  • Lieutenant
  • Group: Malaz Regular
  • Posts: 141
  • Joined: 21-August 07

Posted 25 February 2010 - 07:19 PM

You left out Gumble (the Artist's critic).

YOU LEFT OUT GUMBLE!!!

OK, let's get this straight.

You could be a badass with an advanced degree in badass from the badass university of badassery, but Gumble will pwn you. One withering glance, one sarky comment, and you WILL put your head between your legs and WEEP like a little girl.

You just DON'T mess with that toad.

Now set it right. You know it makes sense. :D
0

#53 User is offline   Gathras 

  • Recruit
  • Group: Malaz Regular
  • Posts: 27
  • Joined: 11-June 09

Posted 05 March 2010 - 02:13 PM

Well the person I am missing is Ublala Pung.

He is currently on a roadtrip with Draconus and he has proven himself before to be quiet badass. His weapon and armor also add to his badassness

This post has been edited by Gathras: 05 March 2010 - 02:13 PM

0

#54 User is offline   blanketman2.0 

  • Sergeant
  • Group: Malaz Regular
  • Posts: 74
  • Joined: 05-March 10
  • Location:Timmins, On

Posted 10 March 2010 - 04:35 AM

Spoiler matron Acyl ME LOVE MOM'S BRAINS and blows up sky keeps

This post has been edited by blanketman2.0: 11 March 2010 - 12:45 AM

blankets are always in style
0

#55 User is offline   Abyss 

  • abyssus abyssum invocat
  • Group: Administrators
  • Posts: 19,773
  • Joined: 22-May 03
  • Location:The call is coming from inside the house!!!!
  • Interests:Interesting.

Posted 10 March 2010 - 05:16 AM

View Postblanketman2.0, on 10 March 2010 - 04:35 AM, said:

Spoiler matron Acyl ME LOVE MOM'S BRAINS



That's not really badass so much as horsdoeuvre.


DoD SPOILERS...

Anyhow Nefrias Bredd wins. He travelled across the entire continent of Leth with only one documented step. one. just one. Only Chuck Norris could have done better. And if you read the end of DoD carefully, it's pretty damn clear that he massacred an antire other army of Nahruk all by himself. And we know this because we never saw them. If SE is kind, there will be a scene in TCG where someone finds an enroumous pile of gnawed down Nahrul bones, and maybe a biog pile of poop that smells like digested lizard, and between these two piles will be one more footprint.

- Abyss, believes.
THIS IS YOUR REMINDER THAT THERE IS A
'VIEW NEW CONTENT' BUTTON THAT
ALLOWS YOU TO VIEW NEW CONTENT
0

#56 User is offline   Illuyankas 

  • Retro Classic
  • Group: The Hateocracy of Truth
  • Posts: 7,254
  • Joined: 28-September 04
  • Will cluck you up

Posted 05 May 2010 - 05:59 PM

THE PROMISED UPDATES ARE HERE albeit and again late and in incomplete form

After having been on a rereading rampage throughout the whole series (except GOTM which is waiting for a reread so I can do some chapter summaries when I have the time) I have made some slight changes, changed some firmly held principles and added some characters I've missed. Remember, this is still a work in progress and I have missed characters, so please let me know if I need to add anyone or have placed someone in an incorrect place. See Hetan's Iron Bars post and Dolmen's Skinner and Seguleh Second post for how to do it properly.

ALSO SPOILERS OUT THE WAZOO
Hello, soldiers, look at your mage, now back to me, now back at your mage, now back to me. Sadly, he isnít me, but if he stopped being an unascended mortal and switched to Sole Spice, he could smell like heís me. Look down, back up, where are you? Youíre in a warren with the High Mage your cadre mage could smell like. Whatís in your hand, back at me. I have it, itís an acorn with two gates to that realm you love. Look again, the acorn is now otataral. Anything is possible when your mage smells like Sole Spice and not a Bole brother. Iím on a quorl.
0

#57 User is online   Aptorian 

  • How you doin?
  • Group: The Wheelchairs of War
  • Posts: 22,659
  • Joined: 22-May 06

Posted 05 May 2010 - 06:04 PM

What the hell is Kyle doing on that list, Chicken man?
0

#58 User is offline   Illuyankas 

  • Retro Classic
  • Group: The Hateocracy of Truth
  • Posts: 7,254
  • Joined: 28-September 04
  • Will cluck you up

Posted 05 May 2010 - 06:07 PM

At the very very bottom, you fool. Eventually this list will be every character in the series. Moments afterwards, the red giant formerly known as Sol will engulf the Earth as it expands.
Hello, soldiers, look at your mage, now back to me, now back at your mage, now back to me. Sadly, he isnít me, but if he stopped being an unascended mortal and switched to Sole Spice, he could smell like heís me. Look down, back up, where are you? Youíre in a warren with the High Mage your cadre mage could smell like. Whatís in your hand, back at me. I have it, itís an acorn with two gates to that realm you love. Look again, the acorn is now otataral. Anything is possible when your mage smells like Sole Spice and not a Bole brother. Iím on a quorl.
0

#59 User is offline   D'rek 

  • Consort of High House Mafia
  • Group: Super Moderators
  • Posts: 12,196
  • Joined: 08-August 07
  • Location::

Posted 05 May 2010 - 09:26 PM

Ormulgun, thinks cutting a cow in half is for tossers

I don't get this one at all...

View Postworrywort, on 14 September 2012 - 08:07 PM, said:

I kinda love it when D'rek unleashes her nerd wrath, as I knew she would here. Sorry innocent bystanders, but someone's gotta be the kindling.
0

#60 User is offline   Illuyankas 

  • Retro Classic
  • Group: The Hateocracy of Truth
  • Posts: 7,254
  • Joined: 28-September 04
  • Will cluck you up

Posted 05 May 2010 - 09:28 PM

Damien Hirst.
Hello, soldiers, look at your mage, now back to me, now back at your mage, now back to me. Sadly, he isnít me, but if he stopped being an unascended mortal and switched to Sole Spice, he could smell like heís me. Look down, back up, where are you? Youíre in a warren with the High Mage your cadre mage could smell like. Whatís in your hand, back at me. I have it, itís an acorn with two gates to that realm you love. Look again, the acorn is now otataral. Anything is possible when your mage smells like Sole Spice and not a Bole brother. Iím on a quorl.
0

Share this topic:


  • 8 Pages +
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
  • Last »
  • You cannot start a new topic
  • You cannot reply to this topic

1 User(s) are reading this topic
0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users