[Yellow]

I didn't re-read all the prologue, because it was too fresh in my mind, and tbh a bit too soon for me to be reading it again. I read the first page.

But yes, still some grammar errors A lot of them were related to sentence structure and subject, which is harder to correct than the odd punctuation/abbreviation error.

For example, in the first paragraph, you switch about half way through between using "you" and using "one". Personally I think "you" is a bit too informal here, but I do think it should be consistent, whichever you choose.

There's a sentence which reads: "The emotion and the intensity needed to bring a person to such lengths is such that that clarity is perhaps the one thing that can push them too far, for the choice they face as they hold that gun, poised and primed for action, is one that in order to survive requires some creative thinking."

This seems like it should really be about 3 sentences, as there are about 3 different subjects.

And yes, the Word grammar checker sucks

Hope I'm not looking to much into this, but I guess you probably want to know how it sits with me.

[Yellow]

Ok cool Sorry to go on about it, but the rest is good, so that's the only thing. I can live with it I suppose

Not gonna read that excerpt from chap 19 - I'll get to it before too long

I hate spoilers!! I know that sound daft, but there you go...

[drinksinbars]

sure, im currently working through the latest version and should have the first twenty chapters completely rewritten by friday. Including the changes made regarding yellow, gamet and your own input.

i can wait to june, mightened want to, but i can wait

@yellow - theres a reason for the demon being like that, which will be a minor point later int he book but i like the idea so bare with me.

[Iron Bars]

Onto the next 2 or 3 chapters: The first one was the one with Akira. Not much changed in that, only is he praying to a god or is he just doing some meditative things. I hope you'll show us some more of the mystirious east behind the border later on.

Than came the chapter about the cop and the first one with the wizards academy. The justice system you discribe seems a bit close to the edge, it doesn't feel like it fits with the world you discribe. The dark gloomy place the legue is feels like a place where black market transactions go hand in hand with everyday life. The justice system sounds a bit harsh in that. It sounds like they would have to execute most of there people.
And the turnpoint in the mages ruling to the system they have now went pretty fast without any outcrys from the populus?

[Iron Bars]

Could you email me a copy, my email should be in my profile.

[Cause]

Im holiday now so will get to your work soon. sorry for the dry spell of late.

[Yellow]

Ok read chapter 5...

A nice change of pace, spending the whole chapter on the conflict is a good idea, gives it the attention it needs.

It felt weird at first to me because the genre changes suddenly here, from a fantasy/war type thing to a horror/zombie feel. It kind of threw me off at first because I wasn't expecting it, but I guess that was on purpose.

Just got a few short comments:

There's a line that says "Looking down upon her Harper could see the eyes staring up into the sky, full bodied blackness as deep as the night sky reflecting his gaze with a swallowing emptiness." - I think the word sky is used too much, maybe drop one of them somehow.

Likewise there's a line that says "The street gave way to a rude square perhaps fifty feet across with perhaps four main avenues clearly visible." - I think "perhaps" is used too much. Either drop one of them or both of them. Because this is written in "god-like" POV, it makes the narrator seem uncertain about things, when I think what you're really tring to get across is that the character is uncertain about things. I don't think the narrator should ever be uncertain, because he knows everything that is going on in the scene.

EDIT - just had a bit of a re-read of this section actually, and it seems to me now that it's Harper's POV, not the god POV. So maybe the above comment doesn't really matter Don't know why I had it lingering in my head that it was the god POV.

One last thing... the section at the top of page 36 needs breaking into more paragraphs! It's a huge section written in only one paragraph. It's possible I missed some breaks, but I find it hard to tell, because you son't use tabs (btw, use tabs! ).

That's it for now...

[drinksinbars]

ill reread it and perhaps remove the reference to it being his favourite dagger

cheers.

[Fist Gamet]

And another thing that just popped into my head - I think the story would benefit enormously if you balanced the whole "going behind enemy lines on a secret mission with my squad" thing with more personal and individual character traits. Which is an overly long way of saying that there is not too much in the way of prejudices, motivations, quirks, habits, beliefs, flaws and backstory for the characters. Now, try not take this the wrong way as I am struggling a little to be absolutely clear about this.
While the story focuses on the journey and the real-time events, perhaps a little more consideration of the internal conflicts of characters and their interpersonal relationships would balance it well? Each character could be as rounded as a real person, reacting and changing to all around them depending upon their characters and philosophies. Perhaps little changes would really flesh out the members of the squad and how well they know one another (considering they have endured hell together) rather than risking them as merely peripheral characters.
Does this make sense?

[drinksinbars]

there are a few major differences, the only thread to survive so far is harpers, not survive as such but... well you will just have to see cause. ill get a bit more done before i post to you mate glad to see your still interested.

bruk ill post it too you so you can read whats going on. cheers guys for the feedback its appreciated

[drinksinbars]

wow will, cheers for the feedback, some good points in there and ones i will really consider. as i have gone throught hte rewrite im starting to add more and more into what were small chapters so what used to be like 9 pages in now around 35. just expanding the characters and developing the plot.

when i started the rewrite though i didnt do this a whole lot, its longer yes, but apart from bournes scenes the rest was just slight changes in mymind. ill try to increase the suspense, have the radio fighting before the scene with baxter being bitten expanded. the bit with the truck, yeah i suppose it mnight have more impact if the ewlite thing was kept over tiull laterin the book. that bit with the wall sort of annoyed mne aswell.

not sure whow you missed they were league soldiers but looking back i dont think i mentiuoned it explicitly. ill include a line about impersonatign them or something at the beginning. maybe as a bit of soldier dialogue between mac and bourne in the trucks cab as they are heading over to the council base.

as yellow has pointed out my grammar is pretty poor, and within a page of reading this my girlfriend was struck by just how bad it was(shes signed up as proof reader) but she refuses to do it until i finish the story, as i doubt she wants to do grammar checks on the stroy twice when it will reach nearly 400 pages by its finish.

thanks again, and enjoy

[drinksinbars]

thats ok, i took a weeks break from writing anyway as im bloody knackered!!!

[will]

Hey Mr. Bars,

Could I get a copy of whatever's current right now and I'll try to do some reading,

wilso_will(at)hotmail.com

Thanks.

[Yellow]

No, that's cool - keep the action there, it was just a niggling thought really. I have to admit, I personally prefer story-telling rather than action when I read (I don't mean in the "show Vs tell" way, I mean I prefer non-action books to action books, and I think a few people will agree this plays a bit too heavily in my own writing ), so this kind of biases me I suppose.

I didn't realise that Vasquez and the unnamed woman were the same person, but whether this is my fault for being a numpty, or your fault for not nailing it, I don't know. I didn't realise that Harper and Baxter were seeing the same thing from their own perspectives, I thought it was two different things.

The only way around that (if you wanted to change it, and that's completely up to you of course) would be to intersperse Baxter's bits into Harper's bits, so that they happen closer to each other. I don't know if that would really work though, it might just ruin the scene.

Not much help from me then

[drinksinbars]

i never have used indents-sorry, guess i never will. this is only the first half of redemption, i told you its quite long so you will have to bear with me. those scenes need a bit of looking into, glad you liked it though, will get rid of that slightly as i dont want any wishywashyness in my story there were originally 15 chapters, you currently have the first seven rewritten.

the rewrite will be over 300 pages and around 200000 words spread over four parts and 50 chapters. the story is completely mapped out and i have even begun jotting out ideas from part 2 which will be focused on different characters who play only minor roles in redemption. the surviving main characters in this book will of course be present but the next book is about other characters sections instead.

some chapters are very short, a little too short in my eye, but then i used to write every chapter like it was a novel so i prefer the small bite size chunks. if it really annoys people i may consider indenting but i really dont want to.

oh just so you know my girlfriend began to grammar proof the story and within a page was shaking her head in disgust so i guess my grammar really sux.

[drinksinbars]

shes even lazier than i am!!!!!!

i think i rewrote that insubordination bit slightly?? maybe... maybe not

the grammar still sucks huh? thats bloody microsoft word and its amazingly poor grammar checker!!!

glad you liked the cassius thing

[drinksinbars]

what ever has the most in it is the most recent rewrite.

understand what your getting at, and dont worry about the realism bits because pretty soon those sections will be heavy with the non realism

i agree with your idea on parts so i am looking into it and have decided on key areas to split the book up. as you say this is a major jump, it also happens to be at about 70 pages in so low and be hold that section last for roughly the same length so the next break will be at the end of that. the book is aiming to clock in at 300 pages so roughly four parts of equal length.

you reallly should continue on though from the newest stuff. it should have twenty four chapters in it. when i finish this chapter- should be by the end of the weekend fingers crossed. i will send you a version with the book split into parts so you can give me an idea of how it works.

cheers mate
its appreciated.

[drinksinbars]

i had written a reply to this but my internet crashed. ok here goes.

cheers IB

he might be a frequent visitor but the place still stinks. dont really want to mention about bane, for obvious reasons.


will change takeshi's spell, but whats wrong with having a favourite dagger?? added in that its one his father made for him, hows that??

altered the memory slightly to expand on the scene, and to indicate that its an alarm, also gave slightly more points about the war thats happening and why takeshi is so shocked.

he was struck by an arrow, have pointed this out now in the chapter.

thanks for that mate, i hope you preferred this version as its very different from the old chapter.