[Yellow]

I've read 11 and a bit of 12, so thought I'd get my comments to you.

Btw - I'm still reading the last version you gave me, I don't want to move on to the re-written one till I've read this version. I hope that isn't gonna cause me a problem?

Ok 11...

Sorry, have to mention the grammar again (I know you've worked on it for the new version, so this might be pointless to bring it up, but anyway ). That's all I'll say about that though...

So with this chapter we get to meet new characters again. All in all that's fine, and I like Carson, I'm interested to hear about him and Luc.

I think though that it feels a little too far into the story to start again, if you get my drift. There's a big difference between the Harper/Bourne stuff and this new stuff - which I know is what you're striving for... but it does feel like the story is starting again from the beginning.

So how about splitting it into "Parts" or something? I was thinking have the earlier stuff as part 1 and then start part 2 either with the Katrina stuff a couple of chapters back, or with this new Carson stuff. I'd have to read more to know which would be best, but I think it would prepare the reader more for a big change in setting (kind of like how in GotM book 1 is with the Malazans, book 2 is in Darujhistan etc).

The bit with the cop (Harry) is well done, with a kind of surprise ending. It's very good for a cop drama-style piece.

I have to say though that I'm beginning to feel a jar when the genre switches from one to another. On the whole, each style of writing (e.g. fantasy, horror, cop drama, military) is very good within itself, but when you switch from one to another like here, it feels a little off-putting, and the worlds don't seem to connect properly. It's very hard to get an image of how one thread connects to another. From reading your posts about it, I'd guess that you've intended for it to be like that, but I'm having trouble with it tbh. Maybe having separate parts would help with this, I'm not sure.

Chapter 12... only read a little here.

The opening scene is pretty good... I like how you set Arthur up as a quiet family guy sort of thing, and then he gets this mysterious phone call (drug dealer or something? Sure we'll find out soon enough), and he's obviously not as wholesome as we think. Very well done that.

[opiate taylor]

word! send me a copy to aaronsingleton@gmail.com
thanks!

[drinksinbars]

well the rewrite isnt taking as long as i really expected, about half way through the whole thing now, so it will probably be another month or so, give or take a week and i should have part 1 of this finished. aiming for 300 pages for this section so will email you a copy when i get through it

[drinksinbars]

she is aye, but i think it might be a little convoluted, or OTT.. no? no i dont think you need to read the next bit. just look at the opening of the chaopters in the next parts and decide where bourne should be. in the original his next part is 15, but the new version i think hes up at nineteen.

myself i think he should be at nineteen as it will allow the other thread a more coherent path.


ps can i just say your very fast at the old response shouldnt you be working? not that im complaining, just my boss is giving me funny looks over me shoulder....hello

[Yellow]

One thing: USE INDENTS! Not using indents at the start of a new paragraph (I'm not talking about the start of a new scene) is like not using speech marks!

Why completely ignore a convention of writing? Sorry man, I don't understand that - all you need to do is press the tab key - it's right there, next to the Q Actually, Word does it for you automatically after you've used it a couple of times.

I know in letters and some formats it is the norm to not use indents, but in those cases there is always space between the paragraphs.

[Cause]

great look forward to it.

[drinksinbars]

like i said, i took all your comments to heart and have rewritten the entire first few chapters to ensure a single point of view.

cheers for the feedback thougha nd keep it coming as this is good stuff and i really want to write the best story possible so any critism is welcomed. the delay in the update is because i am trying to go through everything and cut down on the she said he said stuff. aswell as to remove any god pov's i find. ill get the latest chapter completed and send it out to you all.

[drinksinbars]

yeah, david mentioned that in another thread and im currently hacking through my rewrite with a big eraser they are twelve, but if you read carefully five of them have gone missing trent is presumed dead and you meet the two others later on.

katrina, vlad, bane, akira, cassius, trent, melik are the only ones you will meet in this stroy arc.

have completed the next section of the rewrite, but am going over the sections people ahve already sicussed with me and am changing them too. I will email out the revised version with the added chapters hopefully within a few days.

[drinksinbars]

cheers for the feedback gamet.. ill try to address what few points i can hear and use the others ones in the story.

1. got you thinking didnt it, twisted you to go, hang on here why the hell owuld we need more than one bullet. although it does strike odd one of the first things i wanted to get clear was that this world isnt our own and sometimes our rules dont apply, that first is there for a reason. it might seem stupid but it will hopefully sit int he mind from the very start.

2, do you mean restructure the start to use this as the opening line, i do like that state,ment, just not sure how to reorganise to make it first. im not shy about critisism so if you wanna rewrite the opening line how ou would do it and post it, i wont be offended.

3,4,5 phil talked about this too, the god POV. i know some people dont like it but i really feel its best for how i write, i do flit into peoples POV sometimes but usually only for very small parts of thestory which i highliight in italic, and even then its just their thoughts. most of the story sections are written from one pov but in such away that the reader is still abstract and seperated from the character. i just dont think i could pull off a full novel with so many charcters if i had to write everything in first person. as for the second point i will be trying to tone this section down slightly, Phil told me that i over elaborated here and reading it i have to agree, Harper is one of the main protaganists and i think i rip into him too much here for my own comfort.

6, i dont know whether i was too cryptic or just forgot to include it here, but thomas telss harper katrina is still alive, katrina is harpers dead wife. hence the fact that the pay off for that had too come like a stiff shot striaght after the beer.

8. there i go over elaboratign

9,10 will restructure accordingly.

11, i do try to explain the world in some parts later on but never in a big speil from god POV. usually it is done foma character point of view, pretty early on you'll see the league and the council are quite similar and runa very uninformative sopciety, where its mostly a few powerful individuals using ignorance and adversity to control the population. therefore i am using my characters without power as avatars for the reader to learn the rules and structures of the society i envisaged. anyone think this is a **** idea please tell me know so i can rtethink my strategy. dont wanna have to do another bloody rewrite like the last one

cheers for reading gamet, as they say every little helps...doh!! i just quoted a tesco ad

[Yellow]

I'm not worried about the number of characters, just that it seems late to be bringing new characters in. If you put it in parts, I think it will help the reader step back and think "okay, here's a clean break" and then it won't feel so abrupt.

I'm not sure about how life in the league is really - unless it's just supposed to be like real life?

For me personally, the genre switching (you may not realise it's there but imo it definitely IS there) was at first quite refreshing - and the styles of military and horror/fantasy went quite well together, since they share similar traits. But the cop bit (and I know I've only read a little of this so far) seems too different, as well as the Arthur bit and the Carson bit too. These bits feel too much like the real world, and not at all like the rest of the stuff, which definitely has a fantasy feel to it (no elves, but it still has very similar traits).

I know you want it all to feel like it's in the real world, but with this fantastical aspect of magic and altered history etc, but I think the different sections need to have the same AMOUNT of realism in them... which atm I don't think is quite perfect.

Anyway, I hope I'm getting this across properly. I just think it needs some tweaking.

As for the new stuff - I have so many copies of stuff of yours I'm pretty confused. You jsut sent a rewrite of chapters P-14, right? I also have stuff that goes up to Chapter 22... so do you have rewritten versions of that? Or am I reading the re-written versions, or what?

[Yellow]

Hehe, you sound like the missus

Ok read the new 14. The majority of the chapter is set in what I've come to think of as the Real World, with just a touch of the other stuff. It feels to me now that the first couple of bits (the dreamer and the bit before) are a little out of place here. Perhaps they could be moved somewhere? Not a huge deal though.

The Maria scene isn't really missed, not a lot happens there I suppose... it might be good to put that in later, once she's at work. It's useful to get to know her a bit first anyway, the way you have it.

Harry and Matilda going well... I thought their scene was a little too detailed (e.g. with the waiter), but generally it was very good.

I'd keep Bourne well separated from this stuff, it's too different to have them interweave, I think. The start of Chapter 19 seems to be the best place for it, on first glance.

[Yellow]

Ok finished chapter 12 (was just the one scene actually)...

Re-read the first scene with Arthur, and noticed the bit where you say he is paralysed slightly down one side... I'd suggest dropping the "slightly" as it sounds a bit wishy-washy.

Anyway... the dragon scene was pretty cool, but I think there is a bit too much description in places. Don't get me wrong - a scene like this needs description, and you've managed to nail it pretty well I think, but a couple of times it's like you've described something twice in one sentence. A couple of examples:

"With loving care he replaced it with a gentle ease..."

and

"Every muscle twitched at its passing, the nerves going dead almost instantly with its passage..."

That's it for now... I will read 13 soon... but I'm also gonna start on john's rewrite stuff as well. Out of curiosity... I have up to chap 24... is that the end of Redemption (the next bit being Absolution), or is it just the end of the first part of redemption? Or, just how far you've written so far

PS - one thing keeps bugging me - is there any particular reason that you don't use indents at the start of a paragraph? It makes it really hard to read.

[Yellow]

It wasn't boring, no... it's just that as soon as I'd read it, I'd forgotten everything

That's probably due more to attention span than anything else. Don't worry about it anyway, it's not a big deal.

[drinksinbars]

sure mate no problem will send it too you now.

[drinksinbars]

no i agree actually and i have reread and edited that scene, you may notice i try reall yhard to avoid describing what people look like, the main aspect in my novel i want to talk about is perception so i true to focus on minor points and let the reader decide how the characters look. dont worry in the edited version the suit is only mentioned briefly

oh i rewrote that scene with baxter in the church, and the prologue now makes no mention of katrina. so the pay off for that will come later in the book

[drinksinbars]

if you want to wait a day or two gamet, i will have the next upodate finished, including the indents and the story split into parts which i hear are the most important changes.

[drinksinbars]

well i have already written 300 pages of redemption, just doing the rewrite now. and i already know the story of the next one

[Iron Bars]

Read chapter 30 a couple of weeks ago, but I see I forgot to post any comments. I don't have much anyway, but I liked it a lot better than the mass ninja fight it was in the first draft.

[drinksinbars]

not too bad, been very slow as im rewriting harpers sections which are the most pivitol, which = hardest parts. thats the old chapter seven done, and hopefully the story is a lot tighter and faster paced, but im beginning to think the story is too glum, a little on the overly bleak side, i think i need more humour and light in places

well ill email anyone who wants the most recent bits this weekend, im taking tomorrow off work to do some serious writing among other things and im going to go through the story and inject some humour and some emotion into it, while trying to make sure its not too much in the opposite way.

as far as plot etc, the story is a lot better in my view, and the first book is pretty much finished, i only need to rewrite the second half and include one more chapter, so a month if i have time, two if i dont