Malazan Empire: Redemption - Malazan Empire

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Redemption

#161 User is offline   Yellow 

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Posted 05 May 2005 - 01:57 AM

I didn't re-read all the prologue, because it was too fresh in my mind, and tbh a bit too soon for me to be reading it again. I read the first page.

But yes, still some grammar errors Posted Image A lot of them were related to sentence structure and subject, which is harder to correct than the odd punctuation/abbreviation error.

For example, in the first paragraph, you switch about half way through between using "you" and using "one". Personally I think "you" is a bit too informal here, but I do think it should be consistent, whichever you choose.

There's a sentence which reads: "The emotion and the intensity needed to bring a person to such lengths is such that that clarity is perhaps the one thing that can push them too far, for the choice they face as they hold that gun, poised and primed for action, is one that in order to survive requires some creative thinking."

This seems like it should really be about 3 sentences, as there are about 3 different subjects.

And yes, the Word grammar checker sucks Posted Image

Hope I'm not looking to much into this, but I guess you probably want to know how it sits with me.
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#162 User is offline   Yellow 

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Posted 08 April 2005 - 11:45 AM

Ok cool Posted Image Sorry to go on about it, but the rest is good, so that's the only thing. I can live with it I suppose Posted Image

Not gonna read that excerpt from chap 19 - I'll get to it before too long Posted Image

I hate spoilers!! I know that sound daft, but there you go...
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#163 User is offline   drinksinbars 

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Posted 25 April 2005 - 12:40 AM

sure, im currently working through the latest version and should have the first twenty chapters completely rewritten by friday. Including the changes made regarding yellow, gamet and your own input.

i can wait to june, mightened want to, but i can waitPosted Image

@yellow - theres a reason for the demon being like that, which will be a minor point later int he book but i like the idea so bare with me.
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#164 Guest_Brukhalian_*

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Posted 27 April 2005 - 02:01 AM

300K is about the size of MOI, probably slightly bigger.

Big ups Posted Image

Mine is going to clock in at around 120,000 which will equate to about 400 pages.

A tiny book, but the first of a six part series.
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#165 User is offline   Iron Bars 

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Posted 16 June 2005 - 04:20 AM

Onto the next 2 or 3 chapters: The first one was the one with Akira. Not much changed in that, only is he praying to a god or is he just doing some meditative things. I hope you'll show us some more of the mystirious east behind the border later on.

Than came the chapter about the cop and the first one with the wizards academy. The justice system you discribe seems a bit close to the edge, it doesn't feel like it fits with the world you discribe. The dark gloomy place the legue is feels like a place where black market transactions go hand in hand with everyday life. The justice system sounds a bit harsh in that. It sounds like they would have to execute most of there people.
And the turnpoint in the mages ruling to the system they have now went pretty fast without any outcrys from the populus?
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#166 User is offline   Iron Bars 

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Posted 28 May 2005 - 04:54 AM

Could you email me a copy, my email should be in my profile.
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#167 User is offline   Cause 

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Posted 25 June 2005 - 06:13 AM

Im holiday now so will get to your work soon. sorry for the dry spell of late.
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#168 Guest_Brukhalian_*

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Posted 07 June 2005 - 03:52 AM

OK, Finally read the first Chapter.

I don't know what you did in between the two rewrites but I found the new version so much easier to get into.

I liked it, a good introduction to Bourne who I sense is a major character, a compelling action scene, not too bloated, plenty of issues raised, good opener all in all.
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#169 User is offline   Yellow 

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Posted 12 April 2005 - 12:10 AM

Ok read chapter 5...

A nice change of pace, spending the whole chapter on the conflict is a good idea, gives it the attention it needs.

It felt weird at first to me because the genre changes suddenly here, from a fantasy/war type thing to a horror/zombie feel. It kind of threw me off at first because I wasn't expecting it, but I guess that was on purpose.

Just got a few short comments:

There's a line that says "Looking down upon her Harper could see the eyes staring up into the sky, full bodied blackness as deep as the night sky reflecting his gaze with a swallowing emptiness." - I think the word sky is used too much, maybe drop one of them somehow.

Likewise there's a line that says "The street gave way to a rude square perhaps fifty feet across with perhaps four main avenues clearly visible." - I think "perhaps" is used too much. Either drop one of them or both of them. Because this is written in "god-like" POV, it makes the narrator seem uncertain about things, when I think what you're really tring to get across is that the character is uncertain about things. I don't think the narrator should ever be uncertain, because he knows everything that is going on in the scene.

EDIT - just had a bit of a re-read of this section actually, and it seems to me now that it's Harper's POV, not the god POV. So maybe the above comment doesn't really matter Posted Image Don't know why I had it lingering in my head that it was the god POV.

One last thing... the section at the top of page 36 needs breaking into more paragraphs! It's a huge section written in only one paragraph. It's possible I missed some breaks, but I find it hard to tell, because you son't use tabs (btw, use tabs! Posted Image).

That's it for now...
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#170 User is offline   drinksinbars 

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Posted 30 June 2005 - 12:11 AM

ill reread it and perhaps remove the reference to it being his favourite daggerPosted Image

cheers.
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#171 User is offline   Fist Gamet 

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Posted 09 June 2005 - 09:19 AM

And another thing that just popped into my head - I think the story would benefit enormously if you balanced the whole "going behind enemy lines on a secret mission with my squad" thing with more personal and individual character traits. Which is an overly long way of saying that there is not too much in the way of prejudices, motivations, quirks, habits, beliefs, flaws and backstory for the characters. Now, try not take this the wrong way as I am struggling a little to be absolutely clear about this.
While the story focuses on the journey and the real-time events, perhaps a little more consideration of the internal conflicts of characters and their interpersonal relationships would balance it well? Each character could be as rounded as a real person, reacting and changing to all around them depending upon their characters and philosophies. Perhaps little changes would really flesh out the members of the squad and how well they know one another (considering they have endured hell together) rather than risking them as merely peripheral characters.
Does this make sense?
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#172 User is offline   drinksinbars 

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Posted 26 April 2005 - 04:15 AM

there are a few major differences, the only thread to survive so far is harpers, not survive as such but... well you will just have to see cause. ill get a bit more done before i post to you matePosted Image glad to see your still interested.

bruk ill post it too you so you can read whats going on. cheers guys for the feedback its appreciatedPosted Image
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#173 User is offline   drinksinbars 

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Posted 09 June 2005 - 08:26 AM

wow will, cheers for the feedback, some good points in there and ones i will really consider. as i have gone throught hte rewrite im starting to add more and more into what were small chapters so what used to be like 9 pages in now around 35. just expanding the characters and developing the plot.

when i started the rewrite though i didnt do this a whole lot, its longer yes, but apart from bournes scenes the rest was just slight changes in mymind. ill try to increase the suspense, have the radio fighting before the scene with baxter being bitten expanded. the bit with the truck, yeah i suppose it mnight have more impact if the ewlite thing was kept over tiull laterin the book. that bit with the wall sort of annoyed mne aswell.

not sure whow you missed they were league soldiers but looking back i dont think i mentiuoned it explicitly. ill include a line about impersonatign them or something at the beginning. maybe as a bit of soldier dialogue between mac and bourne in the trucks cab as they are heading over to the council base.

as yellow has pointed out my grammar is pretty poor, and within a page of reading this my girlfriend was struck by just how bad it was(shes signed up as proof reader) but she refuses to do it until i finish the story, as i doubt she wants to do grammar checks on the stroy twice when it will reach nearly 400 pages by its finish.

thanks again, and enjoyPosted Image
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#174 User is offline   drinksinbars 

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Posted 25 June 2005 - 06:46 AM

thats ok, i took a weeks break from writing anyway as im bloody knackered!!!
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#175 User is offline   will 

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Posted 30 May 2005 - 10:38 PM

Hey Mr. Bars,

Could I get a copy of whatever's current right now and I'll try to do some reading,

wilso_will(at)hotmail.com

Thanks.
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#176 User is offline   Yellow 

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Posted 12 April 2005 - 02:33 AM

No, that's cool - keep the action there, it was just a niggling thought really. I have to admit, I personally prefer story-telling rather than action when I read (I don't mean in the "show Vs tell" way, I mean I prefer non-action books to action books, and I think a few people will agree this plays a bit too heavily in my own writing Posted Image), so this kind of biases me I suppose.

I didn't realise that Vasquez and the unnamed woman were the same person, but whether this is my fault for being a numpty, or your fault for not nailing it, I don't know. I didn't realise that Harper and Baxter were seeing the same thing from their own perspectives, I thought it was two different things.

The only way around that (if you wanted to change it, and that's completely up to you of course) would be to intersperse Baxter's bits into Harper's bits, so that they happen closer to each other. I don't know if that would really work though, it might just ruin the scene.

Not much help from me then Posted Image
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#177 User is offline   drinksinbars 

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Posted 06 June 2005 - 07:13 AM

i never have used indents-sorry, guess i never will. this is only the first half of redemption, i told you its quite long so you will have to bear with me. those scenes need a bit of looking into, glad you liked it though, will get rid of that slightly as i dont want any wishywashyness in my storyPosted Image there were originally 15 chapters, you currently have the first seven rewritten.

the rewrite will be over 300 pages and around 200000 words spread over four parts and 50 chapters. the story is completely mapped out and i have even begun jotting out ideas from part 2 which will be focused on different characters who play only minor roles in redemption. the surviving main characters in this book will of course be present but the next book is about other characters sections instead.

some chapters are very short, a little too short in my eye, but then i used to write every chapter like it was a novel so i prefer the small bite size chunks. if it really annoys people i may consider indenting but i really dont want to.

oh just so you know my girlfriend began to grammar proof the story and within a page was shaking her head in disgust soPosted Image i guess my grammar really sux.
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#178 User is offline   drinksinbars 

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Posted 05 May 2005 - 01:11 AM

shes even lazier than i am!!!!!!

i think i rewrote that insubordination bit slightly?? maybe... maybe notPosted Image

the grammar still sucks huh? thats bloody microsoft word and its amazingly poor grammar checker!!!

glad you liked the cassius thingPosted Image
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#179 User is offline   drinksinbars 

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Posted 03 June 2005 - 05:02 AM

what ever has the most in it is the most recent rewrite.

understand what your getting at, and dont worry about the realism bits because pretty soon those sections will be heavy with the non realismPosted Image

i agree with your idea on parts so i am looking into it and have decided on key areas to split the book up. as you say this is a major jump, it also happens to be at about 70 pages in so low and be hold that section last for roughly the same length so the next break will be at the end of that. the book is aiming to clock in at 300 pages so roughly four parts of equal length.

you reallly should continue on though from the newest stuff. it should have twenty four chapters in it. when i finish this chapter- should be by the end of the weekend fingers crossed. i will send you a version with the book split into parts so you can give me an idea of how it works.

cheers mate
its appreciated.
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#180 User is offline   drinksinbars 

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Posted 29 June 2005 - 07:23 AM

i had written a reply to this but my internet crashed. ok here goes.

cheers IBPosted Image

he might be a frequent visitor but the place still stinks. dont really want to mention about bane, for obvious reasons.


will change takeshi's spell, but whats wrong with having a favourite dagger?? added in that its one his father made for him, hows that??

altered the memory slightly to expand on the scene, and to indicate that its an alarm, also gave slightly more points about the war thats happening and why takeshi is so shocked.

he was struck by an arrow, have pointed this out now in the chapter.

thanks for that mate, i hope you preferred this version as its very different from the old chapter.
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