Chapter one – Not really sure whose PoV we are reading from.
Shouldn’t Bourne know better than to undermine the Sergeant’s authority in front of everyone like that? The Sarge will not be able to achieve anything now.
“…The elusive Captain was well liked by his squad for his ability to keep them alive, but he hadn’t worked his way to captaincy, obtaining it instead through his natural ability and an ancient edict about the Elite and their standing within the army. It wasn’t even this nepotism of a kind that bugged the general, instead it was Bourne’s refusal to push himself, he always seemed so damned aloof and complacent that it just plain irritated his peers and superiors who had worked hard for their posts.
“Now everyone knows where they stand, thank you sir.†Bourne’s face was impassive but his blood boiled…†– as I say (and I might have mentioned before) there are two very different PoV within this little extract and it confuses me. Ok, so tell me to shutup and I won’t mention it again. ïŠ
“…while the remainder was under Council control…†bit superfluous, eh?
Something else I find improves any piece of work is to cut down on the needless “he said…she asked…he replied…†etc after every piece of dialogue. Usually we can tell who said what and it makes for a smoother and more respectable read. Try it.
Oh, and when you finish with a name or title (such as… “thank you sir†or “that will be all captain†be sure and add the comma, such as… “thank you, sir†or “that will be all, captain.†Otherwise “that will be all captain†means that some thing will be all captain, and “**** man step on it!†means he is calling him “**** man†which isn’t very nice, and just makes no sense, does it?
“…giant plume of flame ballooned along the wall…†Does flame “balloon�
“…Drawing in his will he shot off at the cliff wall. His power, his speed and his strength sent him bursting up and over the cliff wall, feet and hands finding holds without thought as he sped up its face, little more than a blur of movement. He landed in the road moments before the truck reached him, not slowing down he was back inside the trucks cab before Mac knew what was happening. Startled Mac near drove off the edge but Bourne grabbed the wheel and steadied the truck, offering the Scot a kind of ‘Thank Christ’ kind of look for his trouble…†– Um, what just happened there?
Chapter Two – “…As they left the tree line the world opened up before them into a sprawling green valley that was only rarely broken by the black tarmac of roads…†Not I thought they were still basically in and around what has been the war-torn border of the last months / years and you have already mentioned the standard carpetbomb / counter-carpetbomb thing, so…green valleys? I know you go on to say the League had not tried to attack but with all that hardware around the farms would they not at least use airstrikes?
You really do frustrate me with your Godlike PoV!!!!! *sigh* oh well…
The conversation between Callahan and the injured woman does not sit well with me. I think you can do it much better and I reckon if you read it back again you will not be happy with it as it is. It reads as though no effort or thought has gone into it from you but you can tell me to f*** off if I am wrong.
Chapter Three – Don’t quite see why Callahan thinks is god has forsaken him. I think we could have used some tension in that chapter when Bourne is trying to smuggle the priest out for it was crying out for it, imho. Just seemed a bit too easy and there was no hint about Callahan’s loyalties or feelings about being a pawn for the military so soon after his revulsion at war in general. Anyway, would Bourne not have had (or at least made up) some reason, fake or otherwise, to persuade or guilt-trip or bully the priest just in case he did not come quietly. A fake reason would make a nice plot element until the time comes to reveal the truth and pull the rug from under your readers.
Anyway, hope some of this helps and I will read the rest later.