[drinksinbars]

if the old ground is still bad, by all means give it hell


just to point out if anyone reaches the last chapter before i do another update, im not too pleased with the finish so it will probably be rewritten. not so its a different scenario completely, but just more coherent.

[Cause]

Im not sure bleak makes a change from else is out their. Dont do it just to add humour only do it if you feel its neccesary. If your story is bleak let it be.

[Yellow]

Got your mail Will do...

[will]

It wasn't that I missed that they were League, but that I didn't get that the town was Council, and then I didn't get why they were helping, I didn't know if it was Bourne's pity or part of the plan. I think the problem for me was that I had a preconception that they would try to sneak through without being seen and when they did something different I got confused. Like I say, it could just have been me, but if you'd just mentioned that they're wearing enemy uniforms, or if Bourne said something like, "Now guys, no swearing undying allegence to the League in front of strangers here, you gotta act like you love them Council buggers." Obviously I'm being facetious, but you know what I mean?

[Yellow]

Look forward to it Me like big books...

Got a lot of work on atm DiB, but I am trying to squeeze in time to read more of your stuff. At the mo it's on top of my to read list (even above Warrior-Prophet, which I'm still only half-way through. Damn the Spare Time Gods and their inadequate bounties!)

[drinksinbars]

the demons were in it before but i am purposefully holding back descriptions because i want people to imagine whatever they feel demons shouyld be like, the primary idea behind the world is that belief grants power(odd saying im atheist) glad you liked it

[Yellow]

Both together in one book? ~600 pages? That's a pretty big book About 300K words?

Good luck

[Yellow]

Ok, I've just finished Chapter 4, will read more as I get the time I think I've already covered 1-3 in the posts above (before the re-shuffle).

I can tell you've toned down the description a lot, compared with the older/earlier chapter(s), and I think it's a big improvement. It's flowing better now, and it's easier to get what's important and just absorb the rest, if you know what I mean.

I like the way the plot is developing - not too fast, not too slow, and it's still got my interest so all is good in that department.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to mention the grammar again, mate - it's the only bad point about it, imo. I find it very hard to read sometimes, and it can take a few re-reads of sentences to figure out what you're trying to say.

There's a link here to Strunk's Elements of Style. I don't know whether you've come across it before, but it's really useful to read, and it's (almost) all vital stuff.

I'm not saying rewrite everything now, but once you've finished it might be worth line-editing your story.

Apart from that, everything else is fine, I think. I'm eager to read on, anyway

More soon...

[Fist Gamet]

Chapter one – Not really sure whose PoV we are reading from.
Shouldn’t Bourne know better than to undermine the Sergeant’s authority in front of everyone like that? The Sarge will not be able to achieve anything now.

“…The elusive Captain was well liked by his squad for his ability to keep them alive, but he hadn’t worked his way to captaincy, obtaining it instead through his natural ability and an ancient edict about the Elite and their standing within the army. It wasn’t even this nepotism of a kind that bugged the general, instead it was Bourne’s refusal to push himself, he always seemed so damned aloof and complacent that it just plain irritated his peers and superiors who had worked hard for their posts.
“Now everyone knows where they stand, thank you sir.” Bourne’s face was impassive but his blood boiled…” – as I say (and I might have mentioned before) there are two very different PoV within this little extract and it confuses me. Ok, so tell me to shutup and I won’t mention it again. 

“…while the remainder was under Council control…” bit superfluous, eh?
Something else I find improves any piece of work is to cut down on the needless “he said…she asked…he replied…” etc after every piece of dialogue. Usually we can tell who said what and it makes for a smoother and more respectable read. Try it.

Oh, and when you finish with a name or title (such as… “thank you sir” or “that will be all captain” be sure and add the comma, such as… “thank you, sir” or “that will be all, captain.” Otherwise “that will be all captain” means that some thing will be all captain, and “**** man step on it!” means he is calling him “**** man” which isn’t very nice, and just makes no sense, does it?

“…giant plume of flame ballooned along the wall…” Does flame “balloon”?

“…Drawing in his will he shot off at the cliff wall. His power, his speed and his strength sent him bursting up and over the cliff wall, feet and hands finding holds without thought as he sped up its face, little more than a blur of movement. He landed in the road moments before the truck reached him, not slowing down he was back inside the trucks cab before Mac knew what was happening. Startled Mac near drove off the edge but Bourne grabbed the wheel and steadied the truck, offering the Scot a kind of ‘Thank Christ’ kind of look for his trouble…” – Um, what just happened there?

Chapter Two – “…As they left the tree line the world opened up before them into a sprawling green valley that was only rarely broken by the black tarmac of roads…” Not I thought they were still basically in and around what has been the war-torn border of the last months / years and you have already mentioned the standard carpetbomb / counter-carpetbomb thing, so…green valleys? I know you go on to say the League had not tried to attack but with all that hardware around the farms would they not at least use airstrikes?

You really do frustrate me with your Godlike PoV!!!!! *sigh* oh well…

The conversation between Callahan and the injured woman does not sit well with me. I think you can do it much better and I reckon if you read it back again you will not be happy with it as it is. It reads as though no effort or thought has gone into it from you but you can tell me to f*** off if I am wrong.

Chapter Three – Don’t quite see why Callahan thinks is god has forsaken him. I think we could have used some tension in that chapter when Bourne is trying to smuggle the priest out for it was crying out for it, imho. Just seemed a bit too easy and there was no hint about Callahan’s loyalties or feelings about being a pawn for the military so soon after his revulsion at war in general. Anyway, would Bourne not have had (or at least made up) some reason, fake or otherwise, to persuade or guilt-trip or bully the priest just in case he did not come quietly. A fake reason would make a nice plot element until the time comes to reveal the truth and pull the rug from under your readers.

Anyway, hope some of this helps and I will read the rest later.

[Yellow]

Out of curiosity, how many words/pages do you reckon the whole thing will be?

[drinksinbars]

i did have that originally but it felt really disjointed and a few people said confusing so....

added ina line when they find the first body to indicate a moment pasing between baxter and vasquez, harper mentions they are wondering how their lives chnaage so much since the night before that should help.


****************

just a note to say i have removed all my work from the forum, deleted it so if anyone wants any of my work just email me instead, no real reason other than the book has been nearly totally rewritten and the earlier work was pretty poor by comparison and if someone wanted to read it and downloaded the old tuff it wouldnt work as well. anyhow if anyone feels like reading any just email me at

bendoran@hotmail.co.uk

cheers to all those who have offere dthe critique so far and plan to in the future, its very much appreciated. as always the more critical the better

[Yellow]

quote:

Originally posted by Drinks in Bars:
the indents and the story split into parts which i hear are the most important changes.

That for my benefit? Hehe...

quote:

Originally posted by Will:
I think it's a parody of something.

Aliens. Very cool line

[Yellow]

Just finished chapter 4 yesterday (see my thread, and your emails ). Gonna do chapter 5, which is the last in the first part of the book, and then take a break.

I've got to get all the history down on paper before my head explodes, and get an "official version" into the history books.

Then it's re-write time, taking into consideration all the comments and suggestions I've had so far

Then I'll write the rest. So no end in sight on the horizon for me

[Iron Bars]

Just read the new prologue. It changed alot since I last saw it. Really liked the part where Harper wants to shoot himself. It sounded a lot more realistic how you set it up now with Harper in an apartment instead of in a bar. Also the reqruitment part was better understandeble even with the meagre explanation you get from the scene. The part with Boa was much the same only I didn't remember there being demons in it (could be my memory though). Maybe you could ad a bit of discription to them. Further, it was a good read and I am now very interested in how you rewrote the rest.

[Iron Bars]

On request chapter 26: THe torture scene, liked it but why is Vlad so shocked by the smell he seems to be the kind of guy that has smells like that around him the intire time. And is Bane that young guy who Harper fights in one of his memories (cant remember his name and havent reread that part yet).

Chapter 27: the beginning of the ninja fight scene. It has changed alot. Takeshi feels like a real person now. But a ninja with a favorite knife, I don't know about that one. Then there is the 'heat' vision spell or something sounding the same. Why does it heat up his hands aswell. Sounds like a wast of energy and it could give him away.

Takeshi memorie: It doesn't flow right somehow.
- A bell sounded at night, shattering their peacefull existence in an instant. Takeshi was rooted to the spot ( he was sitting down so thats not to hard) Why would he be learning the path of shadow and why would a bell shock him so much if his existence is so peacefull.
- Pain exploded in Takeshi's shoulder. What happened here? Did his father fall on him or is he hit by an arrow?

Enough ranting for now. The chapter is much more atmosfheric than it was before. But I think I'll reread it before going to the the next one to understand whats going on a bit better(I'm not to awake today).

[drinksinbars]

cheers bruk.

maybe i should try to keep that under wraps.. i am going through a rewrite at the minute which is all bouncy bouncy back and fgorth so im trying to keep it all going. ill take a look and see if i cant narrow down the prologue, i have alterred it since i sent it too you because of gamet and yellows repsonses. now ive ebvven more to do

when aree you gonna get round to emailing me more of yours??

[drinksinbars]

are you reading the version i sent out recently where its split into parts?? yellow mentioned the character thing and this i found helped with matters. there are a lot of characters, and im sorry to say it does get a bit fuller as the bookm goes on, but m,any characters are only bit parts, and are there for the plot more than anything. is it getting confusing keeping up with them alkl though, oir is each one individual enough? the book is designed as the first one of two or three in a small series, so alot of charcters are being introduced who will have bigger roles in later books.

any suggestions for a name, i hadnt thought about it as hes not in it for more than those two chapters.

are you enjoying the book?

[drinksinbars]

glad you liked it in the original version its just a training camp and it was alittle pointless. this ones much more refined and purposeful. with a better tie in between the characters and where they go. if you remember the last version you will be surprised by the direction they go as i have totally reworked that entire thread of storyline to add some depth to the plot and it will hopefully be much much more enjoyable to read as i felt it was one of the weakest threads in the story.