[worry]

Before it’s too late!

[Macros]

Cause, on 16 January 2026 - 09:50 PM, said:

I don't know why but I have realized that despite nearly being 40 I don't think of myself as such.

It just hit me right now that a former colleague of mine who in my head was older and wiser is probably my age. I don't know why but I always tend to give everyone else but not myself the benefit of experience. I always say that I don't feel that much different today than I did at 30, maybe even 25 (Im sure im very different but it happens gradually). I know I am different. My career is further, I live in my own place etc but somehow it doesn't effect me the way I think it should.

Whether its colleagues, people I meet socially etc I seem to default to giving them seniority over me forgetting that I am old enough to be having a midlife crisis.

I do this a lot at work, for a long time the people Ive been in charge of have been older and more experienced than me. And up until the last....5? Years Ive looked a lot younger than I am.
Im always surprised when someone (even now) 10 years my senior is asking me how to do stuff and seeking instruction, in my head I can't fathom why they would be asking a youngster, then I realise Im 40

[Maark Abbott]

worry, on 17 January 2026 - 05:49 AM, said:

Time for you both to start your mid-life crises.

Oh boy more part time catgirls

[Mezla PigDog]

 Macros, on 17 January 2026 - 09:16 AM, said:

 Cause, on 16 January 2026 - 09:50 PM, said:

I don't know why but I have realized that despite nearly being 40 I don't think of myself as such.

It just hit me right now that a former colleague of mine who in my head was older and wiser is probably my age. I don't know why but I always tend to give everyone else but not myself the benefit of experience. I always say that I don't feel that much different today than I did at 30, maybe even 25 (Im sure im very different but it happens gradually). I know I am different. My career is further, I live in my own place etc but somehow it doesn't effect me the way I think it should.

Whether its colleagues, people I meet socially etc I seem to default to giving them seniority over me forgetting that I am old enough to be having a midlife crisis.

I do this a lot at work, for a long time the people Ive been in charge of have been older and more experienced than me. And up until the last....5? Years Ive looked a lot younger than I am.
Im always surprised when someone (even now) 10 years my senior is asking me how to do stuff and seeking instruction, in my head I can't fathom why they would be asking a youngster, then I realise Im 40

I think this is pretty normal. When I speak to senior people at work who I don't know very well, I get a bit nervous with the eye of Sauron on me. I'm at the upper end of the middle manager ladder and have noticed lately more junior people are nervous when I speak to them. I am always surprised and it's a bit irritating, to be fair. You want to say "I'm just working, your career isn't on the line because I am talking to you".

Socially and professionally I always feel like others have their shit together more than I do. Like they know some secret to life that I somehow missed out on learning. I'm not thinking this every minute of the day but it is a general undercurrent.

I reckon if you don't have that to some degree then you are basically Donald Trump.

[Mezla PigDog]

Double post. Life has been pretty shite lately. My son has been having anxiety attacks. He's 9, he has nothing real to worry about. I don't THINK we have been terrible parents although I am sure we have our blindspots. I know anxiety is a thing that some people just have, it's how they are wired. I feel we could have handled it reasonably well except he throws up! So if he's at school he is sent home for 48 hrs, if he isn't with a parent he is sent home, or if he is out with us it's a bloody faff to sort it out and we're treading on eggshells all the time to avoid the puke. My nerves have been shredded. It's also got to be really bad for him physically to be throwing up so often. So our lives shrunk a lot while we tried to break the cycle of puking as the more he pukes, the easier it seems to come. Bless the little bugger, he's played football matches immediately after puking, been sent to holiday camps, trick or treat, aeroplane flights. He self-moderates by refusing breakfast a lot. He bounces back pretty quickly once he does puke but the build up is a nightmare as he doesn't want to puke, he doesn't even know why he feels sick, we don't want him to puke, but puking seems to be a release. We have been trying to break the cycle. Me and Mr PigDog haven't been getting along as we disagree with how to deal with it, which obviously helps nothing if not actively makes it worse. Everyone has an opinion on what to do but I'm the one the kid ultimately comes to for comfort.

Anyway, after 9 months of a lot of puking we're on about 12 months of it kind of being under control with occasional relapses. It has been replaced slightly with needing to wee but that's perfectly manageable! Physical causes have been ruled out so it's definitely psychological.

So now there is bandwidth to deal with the root cause of the anxiety. He's always been a high energy kid, not one for sitting down and he hates school work - anything where he has to hold a pencil is a battle. But he can do it. As the rest of his class settle down as they get older he is starting to stand out more. So his school last week said they think we should get him tested for neurodiversity. They don't lean towards a specific condition (which doesn't fecking help) but they think it's the only thing to explain what is going on. So we'll be doing that but if he does have something I expect it's borderline or otherwise we would have gone in that direction much younger. I'm leaning towards ADHD but he doesn't fit that many of the criteria (not that I'm an expert). However over diagnosis is a real thing now (not remotely criticising anyone with a diagnosis, it's just a big complicated thing). So I don't want him to be diagnosed with something he doesn't have. Or waste time going up a blind alley.

We had a good run at home over autumn so I kicked off looking for a new job because my current one makes me unhappy and I have been massively overworked now for years. It's a big task to look for a job, and work and parent and just generally do life. We have no family nearby (they wouldn't be helpful if they were) and friends he can go to are limited due to the puking.

So I'm climbing the walls basically. I know the right thing to do for each specific issue but there aren't enough hours in the frickin day.

[Tiste Simeon]

Dang Mez, that's rough. I've got nothing in the way of advice or thoughts really but it sounds like you're doing the right thing. Here's hoping for strength & breakthrough.

[Azath Vitr (D'ivers]

If you haven't already, you might want to try hypnotherapy---perhaps someone who's willing to do standing hypnosis and rapid inductions and/or speaks very quickly.

And is okay with the possibility that he might puke on them...

https://www.youtube....rts/ol7umPLK8Dc

[Cyphon]

My wife has just got her diagnosis as having adhd and I have somehow become the exec sponsor at work for the staff disability network (the sub 40 but people looking up to you is so weird...) so I know a little, and have listened a fair bit. As well as having a dyslexic diagnosis myself. I know how little I know as having met one neurodiverse person, youve only met one neurodiverse person. And there's 1/7 of the population being one, so i dont think its over diagnosis, but more catching up as lots of people in the 90s earlier were just called odd rather than what we understand now.

On the neurodiversity diagnosis for kids, it sounds like from your timeline this has been an issue for 2ish years which would be from 7. That's the point at which school conformity requirements really kick in and can create a lot of anxiety for kids, particularly neurodiverse ones. And certainly having gone through the adhd forms with my wife the things that can trigger the different levels of issues only increase (secondary school, self management). So while not 'manifesting' earlier, it's not out of the realms this has been latent and now coming to bear. Or not at all, worth checking with the pros.

You'll likely have to do a lot with the GP to help with this, but given you have got a history with them hopefully this willbe easier. Don't know how it works with kids yet, but you'll want to make sure they do shared care arrangements and the look at right to choose to get an appointment - that got us through relatively quickly. A bit of minor research can weed out the non-reputable ones. For example the one my wife used has the person who set the ADHD clinical guidelines on their Board etc.

Having done the process with my wife, im anticipating my daughter, who is 5, is going to need an assessment in the next few years because she's showing the same traits as my wife, and I want my daughter to have better scaffolding than my wife did so life isn't as anxiety full and stressful. We are trying not to project... Going to be an interesting conversation with the school when we flag it... anyway, my point is sending solidarity and some support!

Sorry this is all coming at once, its the British way though as buses always come together. At least youre looking for a new job from a position of security.

This post has been edited by Cyphon: 18 January 2026 - 12:47 PM

[Azath Vitr (D'ivers]

Quote

[Salvador Dalí sent] André Breton[...] letters that described "feeling real pleasure and considerable sexual excitement in reading about" the lynchings of Black Americans [...]

It is unsettling to see visitors taking selfies with Dalí's 1936 masterwork "Soft Construction with Boiled Beans (Premonition of War)" knowing that he painted it a year after he wrote to Breton praising Nazism as the pinnacle of surrealism and dreaming of the "domination or submission to slavery of all the colored races," which "could produce immense possibilities of immediate illusions for white men." Nowhere in the exhibition does the wall text note that Dalí was in fact rejected from the Surrealism group, let alone why. [...]

Some have written off Dalí's predilection for fascism due to his later claim that he only wrote about it to the Surrealist Manifesto author "precisely because Breton did not want to hear about it." Ruffling feathers was indeed one of his favorite pastimes; he was, in today's terms, a perfect troll — though trolling does not negate the impact or violence of his sentiments. Combined with his notorious greed and misogyny, he comes across as surprisingly Trumpian.

The Nightmares Beneath the Surface of "Dreamworld"

[amphibian]

 Mezla PigDog, on 18 January 2026 - 08:43 AM, said:

Double post. Life has been pretty shite lately. My son has been having anxiety attacks. He's 9, he has nothing real to worry about. I don't THINK we have been terrible parents although I am sure we have our blindspots. I know anxiety is a thing that some people just have, it's how they are wired. I feel we could have handled it reasonably well except he throws up! So if he's at school he is sent home for 48 hrs, if he isn't with a parent he is sent home, or if he is out with us it's a bloody faff to sort it out and we're treading on eggshells all the time to avoid the puke. My nerves have been shredded. It's also got to be really bad for him physically to be throwing up so often. So our lives shrunk a lot while we tried to break the cycle of puking as the more he pukes, the easier it seems to come. Bless the little bugger, he's played football matches immediately after puking, been sent to holiday camps, trick or treat, aeroplane flights. He self-moderates by refusing breakfast a lot. He bounces back pretty quickly once he does puke but the build up is a nightmare as he doesn't want to puke, he doesn't even know why he feels sick, we don't want him to puke, but puking seems to be a release. We have been trying to break the cycle. Me and Mr PigDog haven't been getting along as we disagree with how to deal with it, which obviously helps nothing if not actively makes it worse. Everyone has an opinion on what to do but I'm the one the kid ultimately comes to for comfort.

Anyway, after 9 months of a lot of puking we're on about 12 months of it kind of being under control with occasional relapses. It has been replaced slightly with needing to wee but that's perfectly manageable! Physical causes have been ruled out so it's definitely psychological.

So now there is bandwidth to deal with the root cause of the anxiety. He's always been a high energy kid, not one for sitting down and he hates school work - anything where he has to hold a pencil is a battle. But he can do it. As the rest of his class settle down as they get older he is starting to stand out more. So his school last week said they think we should get him tested for neurodiversity. They don't lean towards a specific condition (which doesn't fecking help) but they think it's the only thing to explain what is going on. So we'll be doing that but if he does have something I expect it's borderline or otherwise we would have gone in that direction much younger. I'm leaning towards ADHD but he doesn't fit that many of the criteria (not that I'm an expert). However over diagnosis is a real thing now (not remotely criticising anyone with a diagnosis, it's just a big complicated thing). So I don't want him to be diagnosed with something he doesn't have. Or waste time going up a blind alley.

We had a good run at home over autumn so I kicked off looking for a new job because my current one makes me unhappy and I have been massively overworked now for years. It's a big task to look for a job, and work and parent and just generally do life. We have no family nearby (they wouldn't be helpful if they were) and friends he can go to are limited due to the puking.

So I'm climbing the walls basically. I know the right thing to do for each specific issue but there aren't enough hours in the frickin day.

For a child, a diagnosis mostly is for two things - to get school supports that may be available and for identity. Both are fairly important even if the diagnosis changes over time or isn't immediately accurate.

Going through the time period of uncertainty is a tough thing and I hope that it's smoother in the near future than it has been. There's no one answer or method to any of this and the journey will have to be together, with your son probably leading more and more as he gets older. You're doing the right things.

I will say that in my limited experience (only a few dozen stories shared directly with me or my group due to my day job), vomiting pops up as being linked to autism.

A colleague of mine shared this multiple times because this well written essay truly spoke to them. It may be helpful to others reading this:
https://hbr.org/2021...101765308333317

This post has been edited by amphibian: 19 January 2026 - 07:17 AM

[TheRetiredBridgeburner]

Mezla PigDog, on 18 January 2026 - 08:43 AM, said:

Double post. Life has been pretty shite lately. My son has been having anxiety attacks. He's 9, he has nothing real to worry about. I don't THINK we have been terrible parents although I am sure we have our blindspots. I know anxiety is a thing that some people just have, it's how they are wired. I feel we could have handled it reasonably well except he throws up! So if he's at school he is sent home for 48 hrs, if he isn't with a parent he is sent home, or if he is out with us it's a bloody faff to sort it out and we're treading on eggshells all the time to avoid the puke. My nerves have been shredded. It's also got to be really bad for him physically to be throwing up so often. So our lives shrunk a lot while we tried to break the cycle of puking as the more he pukes, the easier it seems to come. Bless the little bugger, he's played football matches immediately after puking, been sent to holiday camps, trick or treat, aeroplane flights. He self-moderates by refusing breakfast a lot. He bounces back pretty quickly once he does puke but the build up is a nightmare as he doesn't want to puke, he doesn't even know why he feels sick, we don't want him to puke, but puking seems to be a release. We have been trying to break the cycle. Me and Mr PigDog haven't been getting along as we disagree with how to deal with it, which obviously helps nothing if not actively makes it worse. Everyone has an opinion on what to do but I'm the one the kid ultimately comes to for comfort.

Anyway, after 9 months of a lot of puking we're on about 12 months of it kind of being under control with occasional relapses. It has been replaced slightly with needing to wee but that's perfectly manageable! Physical causes have been ruled out so it's definitely psychological.

So now there is bandwidth to deal with the root cause of the anxiety. He's always been a high energy kid, not one for sitting down and he hates school work - anything where he has to hold a pencil is a battle. But he can do it. As the rest of his class settle down as they get older he is starting to stand out more. So his school last week said they think we should get him tested for neurodiversity. They don't lean towards a specific condition (which doesn't fecking help) but they think it's the only thing to explain what is going on. So we'll be doing that but if he does have something I expect it's borderline or otherwise we would have gone in that direction much younger. I'm leaning towards ADHD but he doesn't fit that many of the criteria (not that I'm an expert). However over diagnosis is a real thing now (not remotely criticising anyone with a diagnosis, it's just a big complicated thing). So I don't want him to be diagnosed with something he doesn't have. Or waste time going up a blind alley.

We had a good run at home over autumn so I kicked off looking for a new job because my current one makes me unhappy and I have been massively overworked now for years. It's a big task to look for a job, and work and parent and just generally do life. We have no family nearby (they wouldn't be helpful if they were) and friends he can go to are limited due to the puking.

So I'm climbing the walls basically. I know the right thing to do for each specific issue but there aren't enough hours in the frickin day.

I'm really sorry to read this, it's an awful lot for you all at once. I hope the job hunt goes well though, that's a huge part of your life to be making you unhappy.

I second a lot of what Cyphon has said above - one of my close friend's son is currently waiting for assessment for ADHD and dyslexia (though neuropsychology is her field and she thinks he is to quote her "a proper generalist" and has autism as well) - their process was also begun by the school flagging it to them and asking for it to be looked into at I think 6 in his case. It seemed to echo Cyphon's point about it being when higher expectations to sit still, calm down and do you work kick in. As amph said, the diagnosis (if one is applicable) is as much about accessing support that's available for him as anything else. From my limited anecdotal knowledge from friends who are parents of ND kids, the assessment for a child is much more behaviour and observation based and relies far less on reporting than my adult one for autism did (by it's very nature, for an adult it's a lot of self-reporting). I'm not saying providers who aren't thorough and are unscrupulous don't exist, but with a good one I'd suggest the chance of a false positive diagnosis isn't very high at all.

There are a lot of people being diagnosed as adults now because it was missed when they were children (particularly women, because until the mid-90s "only boys could have autism and ADHD" because there was no recognition of the presentation in girls being different) - and I think there are plenty of people for whom had it been picked up on earlier some aspects of their lives might have been easier.

I'm glad the vomiting seems to have calmed down for the most part though - that sounds so stressful for all of you.

This post has been edited by TheRetiredBridgeburner: 19 January 2026 - 08:32 AM

[QuickTidal]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, it's definitely hard when your kid has stuff going on that you can't help easily. I know that pain.

Mezla PigDog, on 18 January 2026 - 08:43 AM, said:

So now there is bandwidth to deal with the root cause of the anxiety. He's always been a high energy kid, not one for sitting down and he hates school work - anything where he has to hold a pencil is a battle.

For what it's worth, this is VERY much a sign of ADHD. It sounds like the extreme end of lack of focus. We only ended up getting an official diagnosis with our son after the school came to us and told us he could simply not focus down on any schoolwork. And once we got it, we had things explained to us to help us manage it. We went with meds in the end, but only after trying behavioural adjustment first for a year or so...on the meds his focus is like a laser and school is a breeze to him now. His teacher loves him and says he's doing advanced stuff the other kids don't even try to do. So the ADHD just messes with their focus, and usually indicates that buried underneath is a super smart kid whose brain is just firing at a million times a minute.

Mezla PigDog, on 18 January 2026 - 08:43 AM, said:

So his school last week said they think we should get him tested for neurodiversity. They don't lean towards a specific condition (which doesn't fecking help) but they think it's the only thing to explain what is going on. So we'll be doing that but if he does have something I expect it's borderline or otherwise we would have gone in that direction much younger. I'm leaning towards ADHD but he doesn't fit that many of the criteria (not that I'm an expert). However over diagnosis is a real thing now (not remotely criticising anyone with a diagnosis, it's just a big complicated thing). So I don't want him to be diagnosed with something he doesn't have. Or waste time going up a blind alley.

So after our sons diagnosis we noticed our daughter (she's nine, I believe born just after your son IIRC) was struggling in school and likewise they said there was something going on there, but could not pinpoint...so we had her broadly tested (which here costs like 6k privately...as public avenues to do the testing were waitlisted till she would be in her teens) and they diagnosed her with Dyslexia, and after we knew that and after helping her through that diagnosis (she found it deeply embarrassing and traumatic and sobbed about it) she's been helped and improved and up to grade level now for reading and writing. So even the broad tests have value to narrow things down, it's just annoying getting there.

But yeah, the school thing and the other students calming down while he doesn't really seems to align with ADHD so I think you've got the right of it there. And the anxiety can very much be tied to that. Our son has inherited my wife's bear constant "death" anxiety and talked about death all the time and the paediatrician who diagnosed him and monitors him asked him if he thinks about it a lot and he said yeah, and we realized that he's DEEPLY anxious about it....and we had no idea. So getting him a proper diagnosis will help start you on the road to finding the best way to help him over this trial, and it will probably help you as well. I had no idea about how to manage an ADHD child before ours was diagnosed, and knowing now that he has it, I've learned all kinds of things about how to deal with it and more directly him when he's kicking off that are definitely not how I used to parent him before we knew.

Mezla PigDog, on 18 January 2026 - 08:43 AM, said:

So I'm climbing the walls basically. I know the right thing to do for each specific issue but there aren't enough hours in the frickin day.

100% feel this. Again, it sucks that you're going through this but it sounds like you're on the right road to helping him and yourselves about it...it's just tedious not get there. We are always here for support, and I think a fair few of us have insight into neurodiversity in our lives, be it directly or indirectly through relations, so feel free to to just vent if you need to.

[Grief]

I'm sorry to hear you're going through it Mez.

One things I'll add, to all the good points above, is that there is a flipside to your (valid) concern about over-diagnosis. While adult diagnosis is getting more common, it is still far more difficult to get diagnosed as an adult if you weren't diagnosed as a kid as far as I know. And really the sooner you know the better.

You're probably right that it would have been picked up already if he was very far along the spectrum, but I know a few people who still find their ADHD horrid -- and where it really does affect their quality of life a lot -- even if outwardly they look like they're keeping above water. Even though society is way more aware of it these days, I get the impression it's still fairly easy for people to slip through the cracks without getting diagnosed if they're not causing trouble at school. A common thread with my neurodivergent friends is that they're smart people who tended to be passionate about suitably "academic" topics, so they got good grades and never got picked up by the school system. Schools can be so stretched that you don't get much attention if you're not a problem.

I've also heard that ADHD is often mis-diagnosed or initially diagnosed as anxiety (though especially in women) because difficult to manage symptoms can present quite similarly.

[TheRetiredBridgeburner]

Grief, on 22 January 2026 - 10:58 PM, said:

Even though society is way more aware of it these days, I get the impression it's still fairly easy for people to slip through the cracks without getting diagnosed if they're not causing trouble at school. A common thread with my neurodivergent friends is that they're smart people who tended to be passionate about suitably "academic" topics, so they got good grades and never got picked up by the school system. Schools can be so stretched that you don't get much attention if you're not a problem.

Though it was autism rather than ADHD in my case - this is a very large part of why I got to 35 before being diagnosed. I was a smart straight-A kid who behaved herself (very rules-focused and liked order and routine...) and had somewhat stereotypical or at least acceptable interests (horses, specific bits of history etc) - wall to wall "model pupil" reports at parents' evenings etc.

The added complication for me was I have a Fibromyalgia diagnosis so all of the overwhelming sensory stuff was parcelled up under that and never investigated further, but the "not being a problem" at school was I suspect the major player.

This post has been edited by TheRetiredBridgeburner: Yesterday, 08:03 AM

[Cause]

TheRetiredBridgeburner, on 23 January 2026 - 07:58 AM, said:

Grief, on 22 January 2026 - 10:58 PM, said:

Even though society is way more aware of it these days, I get the impression it's still fairly easy for people to slip through the cracks without getting diagnosed if they're not causing trouble at school. A common thread with my neurodivergent friends is that they're smart people who tended to be passionate about suitably "academic" topics, so they got good grades and never got picked up by the school system. Schools can be so stretched that you don't get much attention if you're not a problem.

Though it was autism rather than ADHD in my case - this is a very large part of why I got to 35 before being diagnosed. I was a smart straight-A kid who behaved herself (very rules-focused and liked order and routine...) and had somewhat stereotypical or at least acceptable interests (horses, specific bits of history etc) - wall to wall "model pupil" reports at parents' evenings etc.

The added complication for me was I have a Fibromyalgia diagnosis so all of the overwhelming sensory stuff was parcelled up under that and never investigated further, but the "not being a problem" at school was I suspect the major player.

I think this happened to me. I wasn't a straight A student in school but in Highschool I got As and Bs in almost everything but the important thing was I did it without trying. I would listen to a teacher in class, read the book once and for the most part I had it. I didn't study English, I just followed my instincts of my own language and it was enough. Biology and physics came easy to me and I could memorize facts and recite them without issue. The warning sign that was ignored was that I was terrible at Afrikaans, the mandatory second language. I passed by the barest minimum. You cant just get a language you have to practice it and I never did. I never studied. Ever. Maybe the night before an exam when the pressure was finally enough. I might have been in my room with a book open but I wasn't studying I couldn't. I dont fidget, I am not hyperactive, I was well behaved but I could never do anything I found boring. University was a wake up call because no longer could I just get things, I had to put in the work and it was a struggle. Every assignment was completed the night before. Only the pressure of the deadline could force me to action.

As an adult I struggle with starting and sustaining tasks. I can see an unpacked box every day for a year and think I should unpack that and still bever get around to it. I want to have this looked at more professionally this year. On certain medications I can only describe the benefit as the distance between thinking I should do something and actually doing it is shorter. I should wash the dishes actually becomes me standing up and walking to the sink to do it, almost before I realize I am acting sometimes. Doesn't allow me to do what I dont want to do but it helps.

My point in sharing this, I guess, is simply to say these things manifest in all sorts of ways and they dont always cause problems but they can hold us back from our full potential reagardless. If in any doubt seek an expert. At least you might know waht it isnt even if you dont know what it is. If he does get a diagnosis I would say document his behaviour your self in writing so you can look at it and make an objective evaluation on if any medication is helping or hurting. Memory is too subjective on its own over a long period of time. Also watch out for side effects, my nephew had a really bad reaction to adhd meds.

This post has been edited by Cause: Yesterday, 08:15 PM