[Abyss]

Y'know, you'd both be tonnes happier if you just stopped with silly school and degrees and research and boring statistic generating experiments, built secret lairs and became full blown Mad Scientists.

Just sayin'...

[Imperial Historian]

mezla is wise in the ways of the PhD. Having just finished mine my experience is

1. It's really hard
2. It's really hard for nearly everyone, even the ones who look like they are having an easy time/brag a lot
3. Quite often stuff just doesn't work/takes much longer than a supervisor who hasn't been in the lab much thinks
4. Supervisors can quite often change there minds frequently and apparently irrationality, its often because they don't look at the work day to day, so come up with new ideas each time they look at it, most times this is good to get a fresh expert perspective, other times they'll send you off on wild goose chases, or question why you've done things they asked you to do. Written records of meetings help a lot here!

Also as mezla says your PhD will not be perfect, its the learning experience that is as important as the final result. Your supervisor on your case can be frustrating, especially as it is usually not your fault and rather a case of experiments not working/taking more time than you thought. Written records so you can demonstrate exactly what you have been doing each day and how hard you are working can help here (though I know its massively frustrating). If it helps most of my thesis is based on results from my last few months, and this is in no way unusual!

[amphibian]

On the flip side, my cousin ditched his extremely problematic supervisor and experiment and found a better deal at Melbourne university.

So we packed up all his stuff and sent him forth from New York to his new drop bear infested home with good cheer.

[Cause]

Imperial Historian, on 21 July 2014 - 06:08 PM, said:

mezla is wise in the ways of the PhD. Having just finished mine my experience is

1. It's really hard
2. It's really hard for nearly everyone, even the ones who look like they are having an easy time/brag a lot
3. Quite often stuff just doesn't work/takes much longer than a supervisor who hasn't been in the lab much thinks
4. Supervisors can quite often change there minds frequently and apparently irrationality, its often because they don't look at the work day to day, so come up with new ideas each time they look at it, most times this is good to get a fresh expert perspective, other times they'll send you off on wild goose chases, or question why you've done things they asked you to do. Written records of meetings help a lot here!

Also as mezla says your PhD will not be perfect, its the learning experience that is as important as the final result. Your supervisor on your case can be frustrating, especially as it is usually not your fault and rather a case of experiments not working/taking more time than you thought. Written records so you can demonstrate exactly what you have been doing each day and how hard you are working can help here (though I know its massively frustrating). If it helps most of my thesis is based on results from my last few months, and this is in no way unusual!

I was never worried and always felt it would come right. Having him threaten me with deregistration is not helping though. He suddenly has been on a massive rant lately about throughput throughput throughput and I feel like I have become its victim. He is really starting to aggravate me. I wrote a journal paper that had to be done ASAP and he has now been sitting on it for over a year.

[Coco with marshmallows]

Somebody moved the Other Literature sub forum up the page.

[worry]

Let him throw his tantrums while you relax. He belongs to an obsolete, decaying edifice that will crumble in our lifetimes. And it's not like a degree is gonna protect you when the banshee worms scream and the viscerapedes swarm.

[Kanubis]

Una, on 20 July 2014 - 10:05 PM, said:

Went to a wedding. I only have 3 weddings this summer and this was the 2nd. The first one, I managed to weasel out of attending the ceremony and only went to the reception. But for this one, the groom is a much closer friend of mine, so I felt that I had better just get over myself and come out and show my support. No sooner had the officiant welcomed the guests and started going on about love and two becoming one and being stronger together as a couple than I had to close my eyes, but the tears still leaked out the sides.The vow exchange was also pretty hard to take. And I'm not normally a crier, so, being an idiot, I forgot to pack tissues. I really wanted to step out and take a breather, but how would that look? No other way but to sit there and sniffle and pretend I was just really moved by the beautiful ceremony.

I used to love weddings and seeing old friends that I haven't seen in a while, but ever since my ex left me, they've been mostly just a stressful emotional trigger. I still have the reception to get through, but thankfully it's Chinese banquet style. Nothing like stuffing yourself with a 3hr, 10+ course seafood meal to cheer a person up. If there's dancing, that will be the icing on the cake. And come to think of it, I'm pretty sure there will be cake, which helps too.

Oh I feel it. A couple of months since my ex left me. Since then three of my cousins have got engaged and I'm off to another's wedding in a couple of weeks.

I'm sort of okayish, but I've only shown the happy face to everyone because none of my family live in this country. I can deal with sad face times ok, but when I see their engagement posts I feel the hurt I bottle pretty well most of the time and I know that the wedding is going to be a nightmare.

Which is shit, because I want to be happy for him, he's a great lad and deserves it.

[Tiste Simeon]

It's 0445. Why did I agree to do a gym session before my 7am shift? Stupid idea.

[King Lear]

Everyone's gone home again and I'm sad.

Time to start planning my next holiday, clearly!

[Morgoth]

It's 29,6 degrees celcius in my office right now. How the fuck am I to be able to do work! I have three weeks of backlog to get through, it's almost 30 degrees in here and I'm in a suit.

I think I'll just pack up early and have a beer.

[Gothos]

Morgoth, on 22 July 2014 - 11:47 AM, said:

It's 29,6 degrees celcius in my office right now. How the fuck am I to be able to do work! I have three weeks of backlog to get through, it's almost 30 degrees in here and I'm in a suit.

I think I'll just pack up early and have a beer.

Unless you're self-employed that would result in a sacking...

[Silencer]

Gothos, on 22 July 2014 - 12:13 PM, said:

Morgoth, on 22 July 2014 - 11:47 AM, said:

It's 29,6 degrees celcius in my office right now. How the fuck am I to be able to do work! I have three weeks of backlog to get through, it's almost 30 degrees in here and I'm in a suit.

I think I'll just pack up early and have a beer.

Unless you're self-employed that would result in a sacking...

Which would most likely result in an unfair dismissal claim coupled with health and safety concerns... XD

[Silencer]

Briar King, on 22 July 2014 - 03:34 AM, said:

Briar King, on 21 July 2014 - 08:03 PM, said:

Cocoreturns, on 21 July 2014 - 07:19 PM, said:

Somebody moved the Other Literature sub forum up the page.

I saw that. Also I wish we had rep on the mobile site as that's the one I'm always on and can never give any out.

@Una if the 3rd wedding is another Chinese affair I volunteer to be your tissue holder. I love Lo Mien.

@Sil is that something that would be hard to add or expensive and not worth it or do you have no rights on the mobile aspect of things?

Not really worth it. You can use the full version of the site from your phone anyway, and I don't think a few reps is really worth modifying any code - most people can and do post via computer. *shrug*

If there was massive demand for it we could maybe look into it, but remember that our entire rep system is basically an add-on to cater for comments. Mobile rep is not something ip.board builds into the system, either, so we might have to pay to customise the code there too, if we were going to do it.

tl;dr - too hard, not worth it (probably)

Sorry...

[Una]

Cause, on 21 July 2014 - 02:42 PM, said:

I'm pretty down at the moment. My PhD has been going slowly of late and yet I am finally making some headway but my supervisor is unhappy with my slow progress and has become so combative and even vindictive.

I'm so sorry for that. I never did a PhD, but my brother is still working on his and I have definitely heard the same frustrations being expressed. Hang in there. Like Mezla says, it's supposed to be hard. Otherwise, we'd all have PhDs. You're obviously tougher than I am. Also, the weekly meeting thing is a good idea if you're not already doing that. It's not your magnum opus. If the experiments don't work, they don't work. I've seen a guy with pretty much null results get forced to write whatever he had when the time ran out. And they still gave it to him. Didn't stop him from getting a faculty position in Singapore eventually.

Briar King, on 21 July 2014 - 08:03 PM, said:

@Una if the 3rd wedding is another Chinese affair I volunteer to be your tissue holder. I love Lo Mien.

There was no Lo Mien, but there was Yee Mien. And salmon, and lobster, and abalone, and bird's nest soup (looks like shark's fin is becoming passe, which I'm ok with, not that I think bird's nest soup is any less cruel), and that crab claw with the shrimp ball at the end, and steamed fish, and crispy chicken, and fried rice with 2 kinds of sauce, and 3 kinds of desserts, not including the wedding cake. No dancing, just non-stop eating. 12 courses in all.

Unfortunately, the 3rd wedding looks like it's at a hotel, which means Western style. I still can't get used to weddings where you leave hungry, but it might be one of those.

Kanubis, on 21 July 2014 - 10:00 PM, said:

Oh I feel it. A couple of months since my ex left me. Since then three of my cousins have got engaged and I'm off to another's wedding in a couple of weeks.

I'm sort of okayish, but I've only shown the happy face to everyone because none of my family live in this country. I can deal with sad face times ok, but when I see their engagement posts I feel the hurt I bottle pretty well most of the time and I know that the wedding is going to be a nightmare.

Which is shit, because I want to be happy for him, he's a great lad and deserves it.

I'm sorry to hear that. I felt the same way. Like, the groom is a good friend. Every time he got up to say something, it would make me smile because he clearly hasn't changed at all from our undergrad days. He hasn't been corrupted by life in any way and he deserves this. So why am I so hung up on my own sadness? I should stop focusing on myself so much and just be happy for him 100%. And the fact that I have trouble doing that just makes me feel bad about myself.

[Puck]

My mother just accused me of not caring what happens to my brother.

That, really, is all I need to say. Whoever knows me even a little bit also knows what my brother means to me. This tells me a lot about what she's paying attention to. Not that those are news, tbh *sigh* I feel sick.

This post has been edited by Puck: 22 July 2014 - 08:51 PM

[Silencer]

Puck, on 22 July 2014 - 08:48 PM, said:

My mother just accused me of not caring what happens to my brother.

That, really, is all I need to say. Whoever knows me even a little bit also knows what my brother means to me. This tells me a lot about what she's paying attention to. Not that those are news, tbh *sigh* I feel sick.

Gah. That's pretty harsh to throw at you, Puck. Personally, I wouldn't let it slide, but I guess circumstances are in play...

Just remember: you know it's not true, and as much as it hurts to hear someone claim it, that can't change reality. It's your mother's failing that led to it being said, not yours.

[Kanubis]

Una, on 22 July 2014 - 05:39 PM, said:

Kanubis, on 21 July 2014 - 10:00 PM, said:

Oh I feel it. A couple of months since my ex left me. Since then three of my cousins have got engaged and I'm off to another's wedding in a couple of weeks.

I'm sort of okayish, but I've only shown the happy face to everyone because none of my family live in this country. I can deal with sad face times ok, but when I see their engagement posts I feel the hurt I bottle pretty well most of the time and I know that the wedding is going to be a nightmare.

Which is shit, because I want to be happy for him, he's a great lad and deserves it.

I'm sorry to hear that. I felt the same way. Like, the groom is a good friend. Every time he got up to say something, it would make me smile because he clearly hasn't changed at all from our undergrad days. He hasn't been corrupted by life in any way and he deserves this. So why am I so hung up on my own sadness? I should stop focusing on myself so much and just be happy for him 100%. And the fact that I have trouble doing that just makes me feel bad about myself.

I think you're being harsh on yourself there. I certainly wouldn't attach any guilt to focusing on your self in your situation. The sadness is natural, any guilt is unnecessarily punishing yourself for emotions you really have little control over. Something that probably won't vanquish any feelings of guilt, true, but at least believe it at a rational level.

I've actually been told to focus on my own feelings more by a few friends and family. Tricky really, they seem to expect a lot of anger (but contrary to your situation, I don't feel my ex actually did anything wrong) when I'll all I've really got is a general sense of bitterness that I came out of the last ten years with nothing to show for it.

[Puck]

Silencer, on 22 July 2014 - 11:38 PM, said:

Puck, on 22 July 2014 - 08:48 PM, said:

My mother just accused me of not caring what happens to my brother.

That, really, is all I need to say. Whoever knows me even a little bit also knows what my brother means to me. This tells me a lot about what she's paying attention to. Not that those are news, tbh *sigh* I feel sick.

Gah. That's pretty harsh to throw at you, Puck. Personally, I wouldn't let it slide, but I guess circumstances are in play...

Just remember: you know it's not true, and as much as it hurts to hear someone claim it, that can't change reality. It's your mother's failing that led to it being said, not yours.

Thanks, Silencer. I know that, on a rational level, what she's saying is not true, but it's my mother, the only Person in this world who can TRULY hurt me and she's done a good job with guilting me to stay with her so far. Which is probably the reason I keep telling myself I have to let it slide for now, because I've nowhere else to go and speaking up would result in either physical or verbal assault or both.

Part of the problem right now is probably my unwillingsness to take sides in a political conflict that, while it does concern my family to some degree, I have no way of truly understanding since I'm not there. All I can go by is what filters through friends and family back in Ukraine and through western media and all these accounts are biased. Things my mom's friends have presented to her as facts have shown themselves to be false propaganda and she angry that my brother keeps hanging up on her phonecalls because, guess what, she's judging everything he does. I find myself behaving inscreasingly like he used to before he made sure to get the fuck out of home and her immediate zone of influence. Which I feel guilty about. Which is not rational and I know it.

That said, I believe that everyone is in part responsible for his own life and has no business to think he owns someone elses. My mom does not own my brother's life, nor mine, and it's not like my brother just sits put. He has strong opinions and he chooses to make them known by going to rallies and demos and such. Hell, I would, too. He's old enough to know what he's doing.

Maybe that's cold. I don't know. My brother's the only family member I truly love and care about, as opposed to, say, being utterly scared of my mom. But our lives are radically different, and I think we both have the right to live they way we choose to. Now all that's left is to find a way to do so without going on a guilt trip

Sorry for the long rant. No sleep does that *sigh*

[amphibian]

There's the possibility your mother is exercising a protective impulse towards your brother by being a complete jerk because she doesn't know how to express the frustration and fear in a way that you or your brother understand and would possibly change your behaviors as a result of.

People with serious communication problems are incredibly frustrating to be around - so much so that I found myself turning off my empathy, sympathy and understanding of their motives. That turned out to be a piece of the perpetual frustration machine that was me dealing with them (my father being the biggest source of turmoil). It turns out that if you understand what triggers them, how they express their feelings (appropriately/inappropriately) and what you do that really compounds the jerkish frenzy, you can lessen the rate of "bad incidents".

But having the physical distance really helps things. You're not there for them to get your goats and you can take time to carefully craft your words and presentation.

[QuickTidal]

Yesterday I was on the subway when an elderly woman and what I assume was her grandson (probably 11 or 12 years old) got on and sat in front of me. The kid had a minecraft sword sticking out of his bag, and proceeded to pull out a fully apped iPhone and begin playing a game. The grandmother began engaging him in conversation. She asked what the thing was sticking out of his bag and he told her it was a minecraft sword. She asked how much it was, and he said $25, but that he had gotten two and so it was $50 altogether. She "Hmmm'd" and he continued quasi-ignoring her while he played his game. Then she asked about what else he'd gotten for "day camp" (presumably his summer activity) and he rattled off a bunch of other things of varying expense, and when the grandmother tallied them up in her head she came out and said "That's about $500 worth of things you got." And the kid shrugged his shoulders. Then the grandmother made reference to the fact that the kids parents were separated/divorced and then it started to click. His grandmother says "You are taking advantage of your mother. You know that don't you?" and he says "No, I'm not. I need this stuff. I deserve this stuff." and she tried to reiterate this and the kid basically was talking back. The kid continues to play his game, and then full on sneezes twice (no covering of his nose at all) and then pulls the neck of his shirt up and wipes his snotty nose on it. His grandmother offers him a napkin from her bag and he refuses.

So here is this kid, getting spoiled as shit by his mother, switching between talking back to his grandmother and ignoring her, and basically being a vile little kid. And I just felt bad for the grandmother. I'm sure that she was just trying to help and he treated her like she was an annoyance. I feel less bad for the parents trying to win his affection with gifts and creating a spoiled little monster in the process, but I still gotta feel a bit for them as well.

Mostly, I was just disgusted and I start to wonder if this is just me getting older and crankier...or if there really is a marked lack of respect for the value of money and family in 2014...does the entitlement age of the internet and such craft such individuals?

Anyways, the whole thing just affected me to have to watch.