[Yellow]

Dramatis Personae... johnturing was saying he'd like one. I'll send you one with the next chapter if you want a copy.

I never read them in books until I've finished... same with glossaries. May sound a bit wierd but I'm always wary about spoilers (like finding out that so-and-so is actually a double-agent for so-and-so etc).

[Yellow]

Yeah, that's 'cause I'm stupid Email to follow... with attachment this time.

[drinksinbars]

no problem, i guess reading the chapters so far apart i sort of forget what went before

totally forgot about his earlier fight, you'll notice in my story people probably roughing it up every five minutes

[will]

Oh, and on the issue of swearing. It's kind of bizarre to look at when swearing works and when it just doesn't. I think mostly it's about two things, appropriateness to the situation and how it fits with the tone of the book as a whole. In this case I definitely feel it's appropriate to the situation, but it doesn't seem to fit with the tone of the rest of the book, mostly because you haven't used any curse words up until now and suddenly we have two in the dialogue and one in the narritive.

On the otherhand I think it sometimes feels a little contrived when people try to keep swearing out of their writing all together. I think if people are going to make up new curses they need to think of something that really works or they need to stick with old tried and true favourites.

It's a curious topic.

[Yellow]

[Yellow]

Yeah, I know - but I think I see where the problem lies... it's gonna cause me a bit of a problem (I think) with my next chapter, and others later etc... so I'm finding it hard to bother with the next chapter just yet. Hence, the rewrite I've jsut started on the Prologue. I'm trying to see if I'm at the stage to do this yet...

EDIT - one problem is the word count that I mentioned... the other is that some things have to happen to be consistent with the timeline. I'd have to go through that with a fine-tooth comb to see what's flexible and what's not, and see what I can do about it.

Btw, do you want this rewrite for a read? Shouldn't take long to look over

[will]

Hey yellow,

If you want send some of your stuff my way I'd be interested to take a look.

wilso_will(at)hotmail.com

[Yellow]

Hehe.

Yeah, there are no real changes to the scene in terms of structure or happenings, but I'm glad it seemed a bit faster paced. That was the main aim.

[Yellow]

Sending the mail now

[Yellow]

Ok Chapter 5 done, which completes Part One (out of probably 3, but possibly 4 parts, depending ).

Who's still interested? There are updated/slightly modified maps as well.

I'm taking a break from this now, the past 2 chapters were written at a very fast pace (for me), so I need to stop and draw breath. I'm going to write the Histories before I continue (I've written 1/3 so far, but want to finish them all).

Then I'll probably do a rewrite of what I have so far, tweak the infodump stuff a bit... then it's on to Part Two.

[Yellow]

I have one for my own notes... personally I don't like them in books but you can have a copy if you want? It will only have characters you've already met (i.e. no spoilers).

Anyone else want a copy?

[Yellow]

Ok many points lol.

I'd just like to say as to the thing about Orm's strength - he is strong in his technique, but he is overly confident in it, and he is arrogant as hell. However, it's kind of his first day at work, and he's trying to fit in, and he's unsure as to how to go about it. So with the guy in the pub - he didn't want to go barging into another fight on his first day. If that makes sense. I'll keep all this in mind though for the dreaded rewrite.

About the "said" stuff, I know that maybe I break dialogue up a bit too much, and so I'm conscious about that, but sometimes it helps to illustrate who's talking if there's a few people present. I'll go through again with that in mind, I know I probably do it too often.

As for the "rest" issue - it's a good point, but they are only actually going to be on the ships for about 24 hours, they're really cramped together and then they will be marching through the snow once they get where they're going. So there's no real rest for them

Thanks for the other comments - some good stuff there. I didn't think you'd read that much of it so soon, so I'm afraid you've got to wait a few more weeks for chapter 5.

Chapter 5 is the last chapter of Part 1 (probably there will be 3 parts in all, maybe 4), and I'm looking forward to writing it. Just takes me ages, that's all

EDIT - @Karsa - I'll send the email shortly. Thanks for taking the time

[will]

Hey. Sorry, I meant to write a reply earlier and didn't get around to it.

I didn't necessarily mean that you need to add more new stuff those scenes (although I know that's what I said), but even just bringing a couple of POVs from the same character together to make a longer piece. I think that you'd also find this more economic (wordwise) and so you could afford to add some new stuff without totally blowing out your target. I don't know, the short scenes just don't sit right with me.

I've gotta say, DiB, that I can think of a couple of fantasy series that use the word f*** and make it work no trouble. Also that I can think of a bunch of others where it'd just stick out like a sore thumb and I think it really is about the tone you set... maybe I'm only jumping on this bandwagon because I've peppered the word fairly heavily throughout my own work.

[Yellow]

Well, maybe I shouldn't use chapters either, or the word "the".

I'm not going to go routing through books to see who uses this method/style, but rest assured - Erikson didn't invent it.

For a similar example, I notice you now have qoutes at the beginning of your Parts... reminds me too much of Stephen King...

[Yellow]

Ok cheers Cause... I'm gonna have a think about this, but I expect it will be a long think, and I won't rewrite it until I do the rewrite (which sounds obvious, but you know what I mean )

I predict that I'm not gonna get the background stuff perfect first time round (duh!), but I think it will be easier to sort it all out once I've written everything, rather than doing a SUPER PLAN.

In the meantime, I hope you guys can put up with my future mistakes...

[drinksinbars]

will try to get through it sometime soon, for some reason my work has decided i should have certain emails blocked but i know a work around

[drinksinbars]

ok its lunch time so i decided to give it a read.

first off, i didnt like the way you just went into the big speil about the history of the world, i can understand the need for it and your wish to explain it but it skipped out alot of the fun people have discovering the worlds theyare visiting by gradual discovery. Plus it is very early to be explaining so much.

i think a slightly better way of doing this would be to perhaps write that its an excerpt from a book, and have it incorporated into dunis cho's section. beginning with his getting used to to be maghin and then settling into some "light" reading. Interrupting him in his history lesson by shunsa's appearance. you know the way it is, dunis cho sat to read the histories of the protal wars-for a maghin eyes only or something silly and then have th history in italics, or maybe even as cho reading it allowed. Which ever way he does this will not only give us the back story but also expand his character. bvecause if there are important points or ones that should be seen as being in a way shocking, he can be us as we find out the past of your world and we can begin to feel more for the history.

it was quiute an interesting read, but i found it very hard to concentrate on without any real humanised element to relate to, so it made me feel abstract from the story which you luckily havent had so far in your book.

as for the rest of the chapter, yannish is fast becoming my favourite character in the book, with definitely the strongest characterisation on display. his sections are very subtle and very well written. pir aswell is growing as a character although i think he could do with slightly less excitment for a moment, the poor bloke gets no rest from surprises only kiddin pile it on

The stroy seems to move along well now, and i feel yet again that apart from the first section which seems forced that the pacing has finally sorted itself out. no section is too long and none to short, instead each visit to the character is rewarding enough in some way to warrant mention. one thing i didnt think necessary was the *** between sections were it was the same character in borth parts. this happens with pir on a number of occassions and made me wonder what purpose it solved. if you really want to break them up perhaps she should restructure to allow the story to seperate them. if you follow my advice at the ^^^^ then you will have the long section at the start and it could be broken in two as it is, but with the history stopped when his aide comes in to say master shunsa is there. here would be the best place to insert Pir's dislocated POV(or even at the very start of the chapter) section as having it directly before he wakes takes away any real purpose for not explaining who it is. I guessed ofcourse but then straight away you tell me and i was like...hmmmm ok. even with all these sections running into each other i have to say the story is growing well and the characters are starting to come to life which is good.

keep it going mate, and if you do rewrite this section id be happy to read it again.

[Cause]

to be honest I fell bad evry time I see this thread. Just having a tough time with exams and test and university in general. i will finish it up soon i hope.

[Yellow]

Done

Chapter 6 nearly ready, but there's still one scene left to do and tbh I can't be arsed atm... ETA 1 week.

[drinksinbars]

thought i should respond to the why not here as its just thread stealing otherwise.

simple answer - you dont need it. most peopl skip all that stuff anyway. I did when i realised thats what i was reading in tax- whats his name?? story. as it is really pointless for the most part.