[Fist Gamet]

Ah, yes the point about the lack of romance, or at least a little sexual tension, is a good one. We are, after all, sexual creatures. The trouble I have with that is making it read well and making absolutely sure I am not putting it in for the sake of having some. However, you do only have one female character and she is an assassin...could be difficult.

Anyway, my thoughts..


Page 83, 84

It was a bit disjointed the way you moved back and forth between the present and the past during the exposition here. Is this a deliberate style choice?

I thought that when he mentioned the blade and how it was a last resort, he would have recalled the way his old teacher punched him and recalled that lesson.

Page 91

Ah, a test, and the sudden and believable change of character in Brant was well done. That was good, saved the scene from being a cliché.

Page 94

I was a bit unconvinced by Arabus’s thoughts on how he felt they would never catch Maurin. It sounded like he had been chasing him for years and had caught him only for Maurin to escape time and again. I thought Maurin had only got away once and now the hunt was beginning.

Page 96

You mention Marohn talking with Orme as though I know who he is. Marohn has only been mentioned once up until now, 4 pages ago, in a passing remark.

I like the imagery you have been creating of the building storm and how, just as Banisul comes into sight for Orme, you switch to Vos and tell me she has arrived to. I love the tension of gathering characters in towards one location. I wonder from this point how you intend to build it further and reach a climax. I shall read on.

Page 98

Well, if Vos had stolen the horse then surely she just made a tidy profit too?

“…lives to notice one woman making her way through the throng. Sailors, merchants, soldiers, whores…” Anyone missing a colon? Anyone?

I am not really getting a feel for the look of Banisul from this. I guess I lie to know what the buildings look like, their architecture, materials, condition and so on. I wasn’t sure what area she was in, be it markets, docks, merchants, slums or whatever.

I might be wrong, but it feels as though you present almost all of your support characters in pairs, then make them opposites of one another in order to keep a clear contrast for the reader. I had this thought when you brought in Zaf and Kep.

“…Sleep was for the privileged…” maybe he should say this.

Page 100

Is this a good hideout? Creaky stairs to alert them, yes, but how about a quick exit as well?

Page 104

“…shouting-at…” Hmm.

Page 105

I may be wrong, but the real killer for the old sailships was the water freezing on the masts, sails and yards because they could tip the ship sideways. Not sure though.

Page 109

When you said they were discussing their order, I thought you meant the food they had ordered. It made it feel a bit ridiculous when I discovered it was their Order.

Page 112

In contrast, it took me a moment to register that he had actually seen Orme, Kibb and Nehkber but that was nicely played, especially so that you switched directly to them afterwards. It provided nice continuity, I felt, and kept the story flowing forwards and interesting.

Page 113

“…He’d spent the whole day listening to sarcasm, and now it was just water off a duck’s back…” For me, that would fall into the show, don’t tell category. I don’t think you need to be blatant about the changes already happening in Orme’s character.

Page 114

All that cheap puntang and Orme doesn’t want any? He spent years locked away and Lemnoch did say he had a lot of growing and learning to do, hmm?

“…They were informal, disrespectful of everything, and gave the impression they were not a part of the Order at all…” I already knew that, you had shown me well enough. Don’t dumb it down for me.

Isn’t there some way they can use the Gis to know who is at the other side of the door? Opening it wide enough to get a dagger in the face wasn’t too clever.

I believe this is the first mention of Tror Havrogan. Maybe a little more introduction would help? Or perhaps you are going for the clued-in approach. Just wondering.

Page 118

“…It was a little-known place. A wilderness where no man dwelt, and beasts held sway over the night. Surely there was nothing of interest to the Order in Balerios. It had no real political power or structure. Much like the rest of the eastern provinces, in that respect…” This kinda came out of nowhere. Certainly the other Weavers would have fun telling us this, enjoying spooking Orme in the process.

I like the way you have brought Vos’s and Orme’s paths together. I am a little worried about how easily Kibb could eavesdrop on the Order. I have the impression that the Dying Suns are not to be fucked with but the assassins, it seems, could easily get close enough to kill them. Just the impression I get. Thought maybe Kibb would mention how hard it had been for him, or something.

“…it’s possible to get a feel for the form and nature of the Mas by how it shapes the Gis. Kind of like how you know you’re on a hill because the river’s running down it…” That was terrific.

The conversation between Ghan and Pir was excellent. I think you gave the right amount of information, falling short of preachy or obvious infodumping. I like Pir more and more now, and I believe now his friendship with Maurrin was a deep one. He hurts and it shows. We all love a bit of historical mystery backdrop and you have my attention now about the Portal Wars.

“…The seas called to the Untarans once more. Yanish no longer hated the ice--he feared what would happen once they left it behind…” Again, a nice piece of writing.

Page 133 – 135

Ha, this answers the point I made on page 98. Personally I would make the detailed description the first time the reader encountered Banisul it but this actually works well too.

“…And so; two miniscule pinpricks in the sweeping measure of deep blue water, one oblivious to the other, both intent on golden sands and an uncertain future. Two ships, each a product of Banisul pride and Tienene commerce, carrying western hopes into eastern promise, the sun glaring down on their decks as they sailed. Each at the mercy of the tides, each oblivious to the nature of their cargo…” whilst this is a neat bit of writing, it is a change in style, don’t you think? This is what Tarcanus described to me as “purple writing”. It is a grandiose summation of what I already know. I have to say, in story-writing, I hate summation.

I am at the end of Part One now. The last part with Pir was really very good, I enjoyed that. The dialogue remains crystal and I actually think I have an inkling of the great plot in this story now. Even if I am wrong it is picking up the pace and moving towards somewhere I want to go. It is coming together very nicely.

[Yellow]

Wow, you've been doing some reading

Too many points to respond to individually but I see I will need to concentrate on character motivation and show vs tell, seeing as that's been a major point for you the past couple of chapters. I'll also try not to overdo things with the purple Have to admit, though, that section leaving Banisul was probably one of the most fun things I've ever written! Ah well.

As to your question about the Dying Suns being able to use the Gis to see who was on the other side of the door... yeah, they could do that (well, they could if they had arranged some kind of "response" with each other beforehand), but I'm not so sure they would. Anyway, small point. I'd be interested to know what your impressions are of the Gis and the Mas at this point. Do you have a feel for what they are and how they differ? That's something I've tried to leach across in the book without hitting people over the head with it, but then you always worry about whether you're being too obtuse. I do want people to know certain amounts by certain points in the book, so it'd be interesting to see if I've paced that right.

Glad to hear you're starting to see the main storyline, let me know how that goes!

There's no intention of putting in romance in this book (although there will be more than one woman... you just haven't met the others yet), but I do have something going in the next one. It doesn't turn out particularly well Like you, I'm not particularly a fan of sticking in some steamy sections just for the sake of it, and tbh I never felt like this book needed any romance in there. The next book is all about betrayal, so how could I resist on that front?

[Fist Gamet]

Gis and Mas...I will get back to you on that. Just wanted to say Congratulations and have great weekend. Hear from you in a about a month then.

[Yellow]

I've still got your chapter three to read before I go anywhere