[Yellow]

Cool

I'm not sure about the idea above, since I kind of liked the impact that the first Yan scene has. Maybe it would detract from it if it were told in flashback? Anyway, it's an interesting idea and it's something else for me to ponder.

EDIT - just had another read through the revised prologue, and spotted about 20 grammatical errors Should pay attention to my own advice, eh DiB?

[Yellow]

quote:

Originally posted by Will:
So, that’s the good stuff, now, I hear you asking, what are the problems.

You don't hear me asking that

Thanks for the points. All good... most people agree about the pace in the early chapters, so that's going to be a major point for a rewrite.

I'm glad you like the story... because that would be the hardest thing to change. I hope you'll like where it goes in part 2. Chapter 6 will be done by Friday. I've not been in a mood to write much recently, but there's only about 1000 words left to do in this chapter, max.

[drinksinbars]

not at all but, as for the first section, i guessed it was from the book from the conversation after. but again you put the *** in so it really is liek we are being given a history lesson, and your going right now children this is what you need tot know at this point in time so get revising!!!

if you use your character to do this then it will make it seem less forced. you dont have to write it in italics that was just a suggestion. It would help though to write it within a context though as you just jump right in without any back story and to be honest it seemed like a prologue

with the pir italics bit, if thats the case, i dont think it should be seperated i would prefer it to run as one piece

[Yellow]

@DiB - you slack-jawed, lilly-gogging topic-jockey! (I have no idea what a lilly-gogger is, but I heard it somewhere and it sounds cool ) EDIT - you're pretty much right with the anchors thing, but there is something else there too... but I won't tell you what it is Glad you think it's ok though.

@Will - yeah fair do's. I'm now kind of resigned to just hoping I get it as close as possible to the end product, and then I'll get it right later. I've realised I just can't get it spot on straight away. There's stuff I need to add/change to the earlier chapters, but I won't get round to it for a long time, I think. This applies to both the infodump stuff and to the show/tell stuff, btw.

As for the scenes/whatnots... I am trying to do exactly as you say - keep it mainly to one or two storylines, but throw in a bit of something else for interest. Glad it worked well for you here.

The problem I have is that some things just have to be told somewhere, you know? So sometimes there's a scene that might seem out of place, but usually that's because I can't find a better place for it! The constraints of time often play a big part in this... I am trying to keep it consistent.

I'm trying in the next few chapters to keep them fairly well themed... i.e. a Pir/Yanish chapter or an Orm/Vos chapter since their storylines fit together quite well. But certain bits just need to be told, dammit! Any help or comments about scene-placement are welcome.

I've written 4500 words of Chapter 7 today (working from home is great). So who knows, maybe the next chapter will be here sooner than expected...

[Yellow]

Ok here's something for you guys to have a think on...

I've thought of a title for Part One of my book (I have a title for the whole thing, but I want to leave that till later, to think on it some more).

Thing is - I'm terrible at titles. Something in my brain just turns off when I try to think of things like that, and my LameAlarm ™ fails to go off. Same happens when thinking of a team name for the pub quiz, and for fantasy football teams etc. So help! What do you guys think of this title:

Part One - Of Ice and Anchors

Too cheesy? Too... I don't know. Or don't you care

You may wonder about the anchors part, but it probably relates to more than you think... it's relevant, anyway.

[drinksinbars]

well i will go through it again when im home tomorrow and see what i come up with - im niot saying the magic shouldnt be there, just not so much that people take about it.

ill get back to you mate

[drinksinbars]

i know what you mean about all that, its true mystery is a big part, fgor the first time through it seemed hard to relate to some of the characters, i may be biased by rereading after knowing what happens later. if you rework the first chapter try and get someone who hasnt read the other bits too judge the pacing etc as that will give you a much better view

oh didnt realise the prologue was so far back

[drinksinbars]

had me confused there for a moment, stixcking the two together like that
review time...

ok, overall a very action packed chapter with lots going on to talk about.

good points- yannish, as usual his section stands out in my mind as the best realised and most well rounded parts of your writing. his character is interesting and developing with every scene. the only problem i see with this is that almost every scen of his is just a slight variatioon on the last. i think you need to really ramp that bit up as its been very slow moving so far. all that seems to have happened is you have replaced the cold with the heat. try to add some dialogue in for the troops before the barbarian shows up. give u an idea of how they are being changed by tehir journey. yannish is becoming their leader, but you are simply telling us that. you should it a bit in the last one, but you really need to give us stuff we can stick our teeth into maybe a scene where yannish is instructing them again, only this time remove most of the doubt so that he is too weary to be anything but a reluctant leader.

the magic system is starting to expand, good

medium - pir's section felt alittle rushed in some ways. not in its pacing, but in its design. there are interesting points made but it lacks some of the tension that could make it a good section. when larenne reveals her name etc it should be more dramatic or ominous. for one thing we dont need that first paragraph. the last chapter eneded with this so we dont need a reminder. secondly pir over reacts uncharacteristically when she doesnt answer his question. plus the way she flits about serves little to the section beyond a plot device. i think the merest suggestion of her power would be better. perhaps as a demonstration of her intent by appearing behind pir with one of the guards swords, then setting it back. it would show them she is opowerrful and dangerous, create uncertainty but convince them that she couuld kill them at anytime if she pleased. it would perhaps leave a sort of tipped scales relationship that pir could struggle against(for he seems determined to struggle).

the section with ghan and the woman should be either hinted at within pir's section and then scrapped. or expanded to involve more beating around the push. have her lead him on a merry chase of his own denial so he cant but face the truth.


-bad i bloody hate orm, i assume you want me too, but everytime he seems to learn something he practically lightning bolts himself in the foot. hes a total *******.
dont use f u c king, your writing fantasy and it strikes me as odd that modern slang should be used. it just feels wrong.

why would the assassins take the boat into shore? surely when the got close enough they would scuttle it and swim. Plus they wouldnt come ashore right beside their prey in the moonlight. it seems really unprofessional.
why when the captain and tror are really quiet did they shout to orm to get the dinner?


overall it was a good chapter, the dialogue as always is very good, and your descriptions are concise and to the point. it just feels slow again, as if not much is really happening and what is haoppening is like an aside instead of the real story.

[Yellow]

@Cause - how's the reading going? It's been a while since your above post I hope you're still interested.

@DiB and anyone else still interested: Chapter 6 just has a couple of scenes left to do... I'm really in the mood for cracking on with it today, but I'm hungover and don't have the energy to be creative

Should be ready in 1-2 weeks.

[drinksinbars]

i'll read it.

@will - i agree, but i felt it was out of place HERE. when i read it in yours it was right at the start so i knew exactly what i was in for.

[Cause]

Okay I have read it.

Hmm I am not so sure about the info dump. On the one hand it did not bother me but on the other it did not really do anything for me iether. My suggestion is as dannis cho said he was taught about the portal wars by the order. And since your order is always training new brethren perhaps have the naghin giving a lecture on the portal wars. walking by a lecture and overhearing or perhaps stopping by to listen. Just some ideas.

Anyway I think thats pretty much it that I can comment on for this chapter. Again if you have a question feel free to ask.

[Yellow]

You managed to get through it. Thanks a lot, it's very much appreciated.

Some food for thought there, which I will take in when I come to do some re-writes. I'll have a think about it all... I'll just say a couple of things here now:

The magic thing - the Thatcher, Weaver, Spinner, --- thing is not a metaphor for how the Gis is manipulated, but relates to rank as you say.

It's hard for me to explain in a couple of sentences (which is why I was just hoping to sink it into the reader over time, I'm lazy like that ), but it's actually a simple idea:

A Thatcher has the lowest skill in the art. He works in a way that requires little attention to fine detail... rather the end as a whole is the point of his endeavours (think of someone thatching a roof from straw).

A Weaver is more adept. He can create fine, beautifully-crafted patterns using the Gis, and requires a fair amount of skill at his work (think of someone weaving a fine silk rug).

A Spinner is yet more adept. Structure and style is second nature to a Spinner - he has an almost ultimate grasp of the nature of the Gis, and is thus a rarity in the modern world (think of a spider spinning a web).

There is another type later on, but you'll have to RAFO (god I sound like RJ )

As for the thing in the queue (the "order" thing).. I liked that, lol. Thought it was a little bit of humour, happenstance. I know that people say be wary of coincidence being disguised as plot, but I didn't think it was really a problem here.

@DiB (and johnturing when you read this bit): what did you think of this point? I don't want it seeming too cheesy. Do you agree with Cause on this?

Okay the Vos thing - I was aiming for it being a case of her wanting the job done in secret, little bloodshed. In, out, quiet as a mouse. But then they find out she's there and she has to kill them all to keep their mouths shut. I see Vos as a reluctant master - she's damn good at her job, but that's just how she sees it - a job. She doesn't revel in murder, but at the same time she doesn't shy away from it. Hope that fits well?

I'm gonna want to ask you what you thought about other stuff, but I'll leave it until tomorrow or something

Once again, thanks a lot Cause.

Chapter 6 needs only a half a scene writing now, then I'll send it out... with the D.P if you want.

Phil

[drinksinbars]

no i dont mean he has to read out loud,m there are plenty of authors who include this sort of thing as if the character is reading. gemmel does it all the time. he just makes a paragraph and indents it, then every so often if theres a major point he stops that style and reverts to the usual things for his charaters to comment on it, or if something happens in the world around them. ity might be contrived but i get the feeling you want to includse it, so dont even consider tearing it out, just think how to make it work.

[Yellow]

Check your mails

[will]

True - that chronology is a problem I mean - but even then there's some room for creative rearrangement. Something that occurred to me a while ago was that if you took Yannish's first scene and put it, instead, as a flashback during his second scene you'd create something very interesting. Firstly you'd build some suspense with the scene itself since we'd be introduced to the scorched wizard and the disheartend band before we knew why things were that way. And secondly you'd add another layer of tension to the rest of the story since we'd be in the same boat as Pir, not knowing what the freaky weather thing was or what was happening on Portis. This is just a possibility but it suggests that there are ways you can monkey with the chronology without throwing it right out.

I am aware that I'm the only one campaigning for longer scenes so it could be that it isn't really so important.

I just got your updated prologue so I'll take a look at it and let you know what I think.

[Cause]

dont be like that. Im reading it. had to start from the beggining and I SHOULD BE STUDYING SO DROP the rolling pin you hear me

[drinksinbars]

anchors relates to the magic i assume, no its good, fits anyway just as long as you dont add "a song of" to the start

[alaricdrusus]

Would love to read it.
alaricdrusus@hotmail.com

[Brys]

What's happened to all the other threads in the forum? There used to be loads more with the old forums, and I'd hate to find out that all of those creative works have gone, which is what it looks like.

[Topper]

I'd be happy to read your story.

obsidian_dragon41@hotmail.com