[Grumble]

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.


The iBreast will cost £499 to £599.


This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[Grumble]

A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.

His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.

Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.

"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"

The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."

"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."

Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home.

"Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.

Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?

He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.

A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy".

A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"

"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer.

"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently.

"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago." :eek:

[Flawed]

Ahem!

This lad has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for five years. One day the supermarket gets new orange juice machines, and the bag boy is real excited and asks the manager if he can work the juicing machines.

The manager says, "No".

The bagger asks, "But I've been working here for five years, why can't I run the juice machines?"

The manager says, "I'm sorry, son. Baggers can't be juicers."

[cerveza_fiesta]

dunno flawed, that play on words is stretching a bit...

[Flawed]

cerveza_fiesta;233825 said:

dunno flawed, that play on words is stretching a bit...

Blushes then flexes a................

Ahem!

A group of theatre students decided it would be fun to train a flock of chickens to perform Hamlet.

After many hours of practice, it was time for opening night. Sadly, just as the first patrons were starting to arrive, a group of police officers arrived and shut down the theatre. The police department would make no official statement as to why the action was taken.

It was believed, however, that fowl play was suspected.

[cerveza_fiesta]

3 strings decide to go for some drinks

1st string goes into a bar...bartender says: "sorry, we don't serve strings here"

2nd sting goes into the same bar...bartender says "listen, I told your buddy that we don't serve strings here...move it along"

3rd string ponders momentarily, then ties himself in a know and frays out one of his free ends. He walks into the bar...bartender says "hey, aren't you a string?"

3rd string says "no, I'm a frayed knot!"

waka waka

[Flawed]

Shakes head in disbelief, you have done well

[cerveza_fiesta]

its the only pun joke I know. My mom tole me it when I was about 5

[Flawed]

Id rep you but apparantly i cant, something to do with being a whore? ME!!!?

[Grumble]

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.

"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe.

A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it.

He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.

The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen.

The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"

The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.

He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"

The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fence wasn't electrified."

[Flawed]

Ahem,

I hate my job!!!!

When you have a "I Hate My Job" day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer
section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the
curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the
package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a
surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it
carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and
then sanitized ".

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times," I am so glad I do not work
in the thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson."

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER,
THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB
THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE BUTT THAN YOURS!

[Grumble]

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

[Flawed]

AHEM!!!........

A cowboy moseys into a saloon and orders a whiskey.
When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, "Where is everybody?"
The bartender replies, "They've all gone to the hanging."
The cowboy asks, "Who are they hanging?"
The bartender answers, "Brown Paper Pete."
"What kind of name is Brown Paper Pete?" the cowboy asks.
The bartender explains, "Well, he wars a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants and brown paper shoes."
"That's weird. What are they hanging him for?" asks the cowboy.
The bartender replies, "Rustling."

[Sinisdar Toste]

Now, I’m sure many of you have encountered little shits in supermarkets. Little kids running about and knocking things over, being rude, walking all over their parents, you know the kind. But the worst are the biters. Yes, those little cunts that feel it is okay to bite you whenever they feel like it. Okay, here’s the best part. A biter got me today when I was grocery stopping. He broke the fucking skin, too. This was when the gears started turning, the moment I saw a tiny sprickle of blood on the little shit’s teeth as he was grinning at me like the little cunt he is. I made my eyes get wide, and started screaming “SHIT! SHIT!.� Now, my good friend, Tom we’ll call him, was there too, and he instantly picked up on it. He started shouting “FUCK! MAYBE HE DIDN’T GET IT! FUCK!.� By now, the kid is scared shitless and starts crying, and instantly, Mizz Mom appears out of nowhere and starts getting pissy at us for yelling at her kid.
Here’s the kicker, I look her straight in the eye and say, “Mam, get your son tested as soon as possible, he just bit me and I’m… I’m FUCKING HIV POSITIVE.�
And now there is silence. Not a peep in the entire store. The brat knows he just fucked up big time because his mom isn’t defending his ass. She just stares at me wide eyed. I walk away from them, buy my shit from the wide eyed cashier, all the while blood is dripping from my calf, making a nice little trail on the floor. And, just s we leave, we start to hear the mother sobbing. Sobbing like the cunt she is.
I have never felt any more satisfaction than the moment I heard that sob.

[tharinock]

ENGINEERS AND ACCOUNTANTS. A novel approach to saving money.
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, Ticket, please."
also
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their level of incompetence.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. (Project Management at its best).

[Flawed]

AHEM...............

A man goes into a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog."

"Oh man," the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink.

The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!" The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs."

The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What??! They gave me a Chihuahua??!"

[Kurt Montandon]

(kind of an old one)

A priest and a nun are travelling through the African desert on a camel, looking for some heathens to convert. But they're lost, and out of food and water, and after a bit the camel falls over and dies.

The two know that they're pretty much done for, and settle in to make peace with themselves and one another, just waiting for death.

Finally, the priest works up the nerve to say - "Sister, I've led a properly celibate life in the service of the Lord, and I have to admit I've never seen a woman unclothed. Is there any chance that you could ... you know, give me that opportunity?"

The nun thinks about it, and agrees, adding "Father, I've led a similarly pure life, and have never seen a man unclothed. Could you return the favor?" The priest agrees, and both undress fully for the other.

A few moments pass in mutual appreciation, and then the nun - who's led a rather cloistered life, after all - finally asks, "Father, what is that thing between your legs?"

The priest thinks a moment before answering, "Well, this is the part of me that, if I were to place it inside you, would create a new life."

The nun's eyes suddenly get real wide, and she shouts,


"Never mind me, Father, stick it in the camel!"

[Kurt Montandon]

Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blonde woman and an enormously large woman with an unfriendly scowl are in a train car. The train passes through a tunnel, and in the darkness the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. As the train pulls out of the tunnel, the daylight reveals a big red slap mark on Clinton's cheek.

The blonde thinks: "That womanizer Clinton wanted to feel me up and, by mistake, he put his hand on the fat lady, who must have slapped his face"

The fat lady thinks: "That dirty old Bill Clinton touched the blonde and she smacked him."

Bill Clinton thinks: "George put his hand on that blonde and she slapped me by mistake."

George Bush thinks: "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again."

[Kurt Montandon]

Question for men: How can you tell if a woman has an orgasm?

Answer from men: Who cares?

[lokiman]

A man is riding down a road on a motorcycle, when he sees a Rabbi and a Priest sitting by a sign that says "Turn back the end is near!"

The man just shakes his head and continues on his way thinking " Stupid religous people"

Well suddenly the Priest and Rabbi hear a screech of metal and loud splash. Well the Rabbi says to the Priest, "Told you, you should have written 'Bridge Out'".