[Bent]

Boo at the above pun

*throws tomatoes

[Bent]

Three Brazzilian soldier's were shot and killed in Iraq, last week, and the U.S. Secretary of defence walked into President's office to inform him of their deaths. "Mr. Bush, sir, there was three Brazillian soldiers killed in Iraq."

The President stands up and starts running around mumbling, "Oh my God! What are we gonna do! Oh my GOD!!!!"

The Secretary says "Mr President, It's OK, Not a big deal, calm down sir!"

The President says" Not a BIG DEAL????!!!!! Do you kow how many millions are in a brazillion??!!!!

[Flawed]

Bent;231036 said:

Boo at the above pun

*throws tomatoes

Ducks offending Tomatoes and places them neatly into a salad with cheese, and a bit of red pepper, lovely ta!

[cerveza_fiesta]

@flawed

What did the duck do to offend the tomatoes? They're just ducks and I'm pretty sure tomatoes don't have emotions

[Dancer+]

*roars*

One day a student was taking a very difficult essay exam. At the end of the test, the prof asked all the students to put their pencils down and immediately hand in their tests. The young man kept writing furioulsy, although he was warned that if he did not stop immediately he would be disqualified. He ignored the warning, finished the test 10 minutes later, and went to hand the test to his instructor. The instructor told him he would not take the test.

The student asked, "Do you know who I am?"

The prof said, "No and I don't care."

The student asked again, "Are you sure you don't know who I am?"

The prof again said no. So the student walked over to the pile of tests, placed his in the middle, then threw the papers in the air.

"Good" the student said, and walked out. He passed.

[Sir Thursday]

What's red and goes up and down and up and down and up and down?

Spoiler

A tomato in a lift

Sir Thursday

[Coco with marshmallows]

how do you get a fat girl into bed?



piece of cake....

[Aptorian]

Didn't we use to have a pun thread? I miss it.

[cerveza_fiesta]

that one made me lol at work and get bad looks coco...for shame


funny though. lol.

[Dancer+]

*roars*

I found this, it's more of a test. I only fell for one of them, I shouldn't have fallen for it though. How do all of you do?

Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are.

Ready? GO!!! (Scroll down)

First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

Spoiler

Answer: If you answered that you are first, and then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! Try not to screw up in the next question.
To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

Spoiler

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, and then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

You're not very good at this! Are you?

Third Question:
Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only.

Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000 Now add 10. What is the total?

Scroll down for answer.

Spoiler

Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.

Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?


Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Spoiler

Answer: Nunu?

NO! Of course not.

Her name is Mary. Read the question again

Okay, now the bonus round:
There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

Spoiler

He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.

[Hume]

I only fell for number 2.

They were pretty cool too.

[Gothos]

I fell for number 1 and 3. not my day :-(

[Dancer+]

I fell for number 4 to finish off the set of normal questions.

Spoiler

I didn't even take in the question properly. I just went to the father part and didn't even take Mary in my head, but that's the trick. I was lulled into a false sense of security by the maths questions.

[Binder of Demons]

Quote

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

Faster than the last person????

For no.2, it doesn't say whether you are on a track or not. In which case, you could be lapping the person in last place. So your position doesn't change but could be anything from 2nd last to first.

[Dancer+]

I agree, there are different interpretations for a race - I assume a marathon, someone could assume a 10,000m race or something smaller.

You can also differ over what overtake means, I assume it means to take their position (but that's only because I've assumed a marathon)

Just as easily you could say 'I've overtaken that slow, fat man for the third time today' so you are right (in a certain respect), I'm not going to argue against that.

[Sir Thursday]

I got them all /boast.

I was looking for a trick in #3 but couldn't find one...it seemed a rather straightforward one to do. Other than that they were good.


Sir Thursday

[Flawed]

Ahem.............

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of the lanes on the motorway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into the breathalyzer.

"I can't do that officer."
"Why not?"

"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."
"Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."

"I can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"

"Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."
"Alright, we will get a blood sample."

"Can't do that either."
"Why not?"

"Because I'm a diabetic. If I give blood I could die."
"Fine then. Just walk along this white line."

"Can't do that."
"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

[Dancer+]

Hypothetical jobs rules and company policy,

I hope noone ever has to work for a company like this

Dress Code.

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

[Coco with marshmallows]

so, i bought a teddy bear off E-bay for £10.
I called it Mohammed.

Then i sold it for £20.

the only question is,
have i made a prophet?

[Lancelot]

Victoria beckham returns home from a gruelling days shopping and see's David at the kitchen table. "What you upto hun?" Says Victoria

"Trying to do this jigsaw its supposed to be a Tiger!!" Replied David

"Oh David put the frosties back in the Box"!!
.
.
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Q:What has anal sex and spinach got in common??

A:Chances are if you were forced them as a child, you wont like it as a adult!