[tharinock]

a catholic priest, a rabbi, and a buddhist monk are golfing. The priest hits the ball into the water trap. he walks on the water, picks up the ball, when walks back. The rabbi hits the ball ext. He too walks on the surface of the water, picks up the ball, then walks back. The monk goes and hits the ball into the water trap. seing the rabbi and the priest, he too tried to walk on the water. *splash* The rabbi says to the priest "do you think we should have told him where the rocks were?"

another rabbi+priest one

a rabbi and a priest get into a car crash together. They find a unharmed bottle of wine in the seat of one of the cars. the rabbi says to the pries "Wow, God must have preserved this wine just so we could drink it now and celebrate our lives." The priest agrees and the rabbi pours them each a glass. The priest starts drinking his wine, and when he finishes his glass he noticed that the rabbi had not touched his. he said "Why aren't you drinking your wine?" the rabbi promptly replied "well when the cops come i certainly don't want to be the one arrested with a DUI."

Also, funny/sad but true story we saw in driver's ed

a church deacon was driving in his car. He saw two men cut a young women off, so he got mad at them. he followed them for miles flicking his high beams at them. finally the men pull over, and so does the deacon. he promptly gets out, walks to the back of his car, pulls out his hunting crossbow with a bolt designed so that on impact blades shoot out of the sides to cause maximal arterial damage, and shoots one of the guys while he stood there instantly killing him. he was thrown into jail, but was convinced that the men were "threatening" him enough and it was self defense.

[Kurt Montandon]

What's a specimen?

An Italian astronaut.

[Slum]

One fine day in pretty forest, two owls, perched high on an old branch of an ancient oak, were engaged in speculative conversation concerning a young, blossoming tree below them.

"Fine lookin' tree." Said the first Owl.

"Yep, sure is, kinda looks like a Birch." The second owl replied.

"No, no," the first owl laughed, "that's a Beech, not a Birch!"

Nope, nope, your wrong," said the second, "It's definitely a Birch."

They continued this debate for some time, until they spotted Mr. Woodpecker flitting through the forest.

"I know," said the first owl, "we'll ask the woodpecker what he thinks. After all, he knows his trees."

"Woodpecker," they shouted to him, beckoning him toward them with their wings, "Come settle an argument for us."

Mr Woodpecker, happy to oblige, joined them on their perch. "What can I do for you guys?" Woodpecker asked.

"Well woodpecker," said one of the owls, "we're just wondering if that tree right down there is a Beech or a Birch."

The woodpecker studied the young tree and then cracked a knowing smile.

"Well, my owl friends, you're both wrong. That is neither a Beech nor a Birch."

"What the hell is it then?" The owls asked.

"That, dear friends," the woodpecker replied, "is the finest piece of Ash I've ever had my pecker in."


Haha.

[Grumble]

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"Listen," he says to the bartender, "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, is my beer on the house?"

"We'll see," says the bartender.

So the guy pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the bar, and the hamster begins to play.

"Impressive," says the bartender, "but I'll need to see more."

"Hold on," says the man. He then pulls out a bullfrog, and it sings "Old Man River."

A patron jumps up from his table and shouts "Thats's Absolutely incredible! I'll give you $100 right now for the frog."

"Sold," says the guy. The patron takes the bullfrog and leaves.

"It's none of my business," says the bartender, "but you just gave away a fortune."

"Not really," says the guy, "The hamster is also a vantriloquist."

[Flawed]

Xmas AHEM's...........................

Yes i know they are awful but it is Xmas...

Q: What's the difference between Snowmen and Snowladies?
A: Snowballs.

Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmastime?
A: Sandy Claws.

Q: How does Santa Claus take pictures?
A: With his North Pole-aroid.

Q: What did Adam say on December 24th?
A: It's Christmas, Eve.

Q: Why does Santa visit houses through the chimney?
A: It soots him.

Q: Who looks after Santa when he's feeling poorly?
A: The National Elf Service.

Q: What do Reindeer have that no other animal has?
A: Baby Reindeer.

Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A: He had low elf esteem.

Q: What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Black Mail!

Q: Who is never hungry at Christmas?
A: The turkey. It's always stuffed.

Q: Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters?
A: They both drop their needles.

Q: Why should you be careful at Christmas?
A: There are mince spies about.

Q: What happens to you if you eat Christmas decorations?
A: You get tinselitus.

Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A: So he can ho-ho-ho.

Q: What do you call Santa Claus after he's fallen into a fireplace?
A: Krisp Kringle.

Q: How many chimneys does Santa go down at Christmas?
A: Stacks!

Q: Who sings "Love Me Tender" and makes Christmas toys?
A: Santa's Little Elvis.

Q: Which of Santa's reindeer needs to mind his manners?
A: Rude'olph!

Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa?
A: Claustrophobic.

Q: What do Snowmen eat for breakfast?
A: Snowflakes.

Q: What do sheep say to each other at Christmas time?
A: Merry Christmas to Ewe!

Q: Why do mummies like Christmas so much?
A: Because of all the wrapping.

Q: What do snowmen wear on their heads?
A: Ice caps!

Q: How do snowmen travel?
A: By icicle!

-----

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wayne
Wayne who?
Wayne in a manger...!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Donut
Donut who?
Donut open till Christmas!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oakham
Oakham who?
Oakham all ye faithfull...!

-----

Christmas is a time when people get emotional over family ties, particularly if they have to wear them!

Christmas: When you exchange 'hellos' with strangers and 'good buys' with friends.

A definition of Christmas: The time when everyone gets Santamental.

[Krupee]

that was just plain awful... even considering it's christmas. :-)

[Flawed]

Krupee;236615 said:

that was just plain awful... even considering it's christmas. :-)

Bows handsomely

[Flawed]

As its Chrismas and i expect i wont get a chance to come on the site again until after its all over, here have another awful joke, Merry Xmas everyone and for those who dont celebrate i hope you are well and have a great new year:

Ahem..................

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating to or associated with Christmas.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

Answer... "They're Carol's."

[Bent]

yea.....woo hoo....alright.....APPLAUSE!!!!!!

Three Cheers for Flawed...Hip Hip Hooray....Hip Hip Hooray
Hip Hip HOOOOORAYYYYY!!!!!

~He did say no more til its all over right?
Hip hip.......

[Krupee]

Flawed;236617 said:

Bows handsomely

Too handsome for krupee. *leaves thread at once.*

[Flawed]

Bent;236671 said:

yea.....woo hoo....alright.....APPLAUSE!!!!!!

Three Cheers for Flawed...Hip Hip Hooray....Hip Hip Hooray
Hip Hip HOOOOORAYYYYY!!!!!

~He did say no more til its all over right?
Hip hip.......

Yes no more until after Xmas now. DO not worry.

Have good time chap

[Bent]

I'm gonna miss you Flawed, hope you have a very merry Christmas and that you get lucky under the Mistletoe....oh yeah, and some new jokes for 2008 would be great!


~ Now I'm gonna go cry in the corner

[bubba]

Have a good Christmas Bert(Flawed's true name)

[Krupee]

Bubba;236699 said:

Have a good Christmas Bert(Flawed's true name)

Lol, good one....


That was a joke right????

[Grumble]

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed by stupidity, here are some actual label instructions found on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special.)

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

On a Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom of box): Do not turn upside-down.

On Marks & Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's children's cough medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness.

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."

On an American Airlines packet of peanuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

[Bent]

vBulletin Message
You have given out too much Reputation in the last 24 hours, try again later.


I'll rep you tomorrow Grumble...Scouts honor

[Krupee]

Well i have lots of Rep to spread, and i must say grumble deserves some on this one. So here you go.

[Coco with marshmallows]

well, got this one from a friend:

for the men:
how can you tell when your wife dies?
the sex is the same, but the dishes start to pile up.....

for the women:
how can you tell when your husband dies?
the sex is the same, but you get the remote.....

now, will i be neg- or pos-repped for this?

[Grumble]

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by terrible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!"

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see,... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure!"

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9 and a half wide."

Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"

Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure!"

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see. . . 7 5/8."

Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure!"

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head and said, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!" :eek:

[Illuyankas]

My friends decided to make an award for best feline behind out of their pets. It was a bit of a catastrophe.