Malazan Empire: The Joke thread :p - Malazan Empire

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The Joke thread :p

#501 User is offline   Dancer+ 

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Posted 10 December 2007 - 08:09 PM

*roars*

This is for all of you who want to beat a Lawyer on a plane

I sat down next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer kept on bugging me to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered me 4 to 1 odds, and said every time I could not answer one of his questions, I would give him £5, but every time he could not answer mine, he'd give me £20. I insisted that I didn't trust him and that we should add the stipulation that as soon as one of us broke the rules and the other noticed then the game would be over. I think the lawyer figured he could not lose, and I accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Pluto and Venus?"

Not having my laptop or any idea, I handed him £5. then I asked, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes back down the hill with four legs?"

The lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid me £20.

I put the £20 into my wallet without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, I handed him £5. He said I had cheated, I said exactly and called in the rule I had insisted on putting in, ending the game.

A quick profit :)
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#502 User is offline   Aptorian 

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Posted 10 December 2007 - 08:35 PM

I don't get it, how did he cheat?
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#503 User is offline   Dancer+ 

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Posted 10 December 2007 - 09:04 PM

There was an implied term in the contract that you have to know the answer to your question, basically it's an unwritten rule, the unwritten rule of riddles. Else how else are you going to verify if someone is right if you don't know the answer.

That how the cheating business came about. I adapted a joke to a solution of a problem.

I guess taking aspects of law in my course has reflected badly :)
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#504 User is offline   Aptorian 

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Posted 10 December 2007 - 09:10 PM

Yeah, but why not just make something up and keep the 20 bucks? Or is it implied that he can't make anything up because the lawyer had thought of everything?
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#505 User is offline   Grumble 

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Posted 10 December 2007 - 09:12 PM

The local pub was so sure that its landlord was the strongest man around that it offered a standing £1,000 bet that no could beat him.

The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer.

Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.

Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters and all had failed.

Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.

After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing.

Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar.

Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and asked "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?"

"No" the man replied, "I work for the Inland Revenue."
What Would Jack Do ?
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#506 User is offline   Dancer+ 

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Posted 10 December 2007 - 09:50 PM

Aptorian;233075 said:

Yeah, but why not just make something up and keep the 20 bucks? Or is it implied that he can't make anything up because the lawyer had thought of everything?


He did keep the 20 pounds, well he gained 10 pounds overall, having given £5 at the start and £5 at the end...he cheated to end the game. It's not a joke that covers all angles.

He could have made something up, but then he wouldn't have cheated which wouldn't have ended the game. Plus he would need to justify himself to the lawyer to prove the veracity of his answer but then again, if he had made something up it and it didn't hold up the lawyer could say he cheated again.

The Inland Revenue are evil :):) they squeeze you out of everything you have!
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#507 User is offline   bubba 

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Posted 10 December 2007 - 10:01 PM

plus the answer would have been: the chair you brought to the repair shop on top of the hill.



Bubba wise in the ways of Bullshit

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#508 User is offline   Grumble 

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Posted 10 December 2007 - 11:28 PM

A man was driving in the middle of nowhere down a secluded country road far from any cities. He got a flat tire, and got out to walk for help.

After walking for some time, he came to a small stone monastery. He knocked on the door and roused the monks. "I've got a flat tire. Can I use your phone?" He asked. The monks said they were sorry, but the did not have a phone.

"If you stay tonight, you can get a ride on our wagon into town tomorrow," they said. So the man stayed the night, and they put him in a small room in the monastery.

In the middle of the night, the man was awakened suddenly by a noise. Not just any noise, but the loudest, most wonderful, most terrifying, most hair-raising noise ever. He sat there, his heart beating for a few minutes, and he heard it again!

Getting out of bed, he went running in the direction of the noise. It came again, making the hair on the back of his neck rise and his skin crawl.

Finally, he came to a large door where the head monk was standing. The door was at least 15 feet tall, and made of solid-looking wood and metal. It had chains and bars and locks and a deadbolt on it, and was the most formidable door the man had ever seen.

"What was that sound?" He asked. "What made it? Is it behind that door?"

The head monk shook his head. "I'm sorry," he said. "I can't tell you; you're not a monk." As the man turned away, he heard the noise again.

"You have to tell me what it is," he begged.

"I'm sorry, you're not a monk," said the monk.

The man tried to sleep, but couldn't get the noise out of his head. In the morning, as he was getting ready to leave, he heard the sound again. It made his ears ring and his mind whirl.

"Please tell me what made that sound," he said. But the monks wouldn't. "I'm sorry, you're not a monk" was all they said.

The man left, and eventually got his car fixed and went back to his life. But he couldn't get the sound out of his mind.

After a few months, he got in his car and drove and drove until he found the monastery again. He got out of his car and found the head monk.

"I can't forget that sound from that night I was here. Please, please please tell me what made that sound."

The head monk just shook his head. "I can't tell you; you're not a monk," he said.

"Then tell me how I can become a monk," the man said.

The head monk said "It's very difficult. Are you sure you want to do this?"

The man said "I've got to. I have to know what made that sound."

The head monk said, "To join us, you have to perform several tasks. Your first task is to count all of the stars visible in the sky."

The man thought about how hard that would be, but he had to know what made that sound. He sat up every night for a year, counting the stars over and over until he was sure how many stars were visible in the sky. He went to the head monk and told him, and the monk nodded.

"Very good. Your next task is to count all of the grains of sand on the beaches around the world."

The man knew this would be even harder, but he could not get the noise out of his head. He had to know what, what kind of animal, could make that terrible horrible mind-bending sound. So he left on his journeys. He crawled the length and breadth of every beach in the world, counting the grains of sand, and he returned to the monastery years later.

The head monk heard his answer and nodded. "Excellent. You are almost done. Your final task is to climb to the peak of the highest mountain in the world, and see yourself in relation to the rest of creation."

And the man knew this would be hard, but he outfitted himself, and he went to the highest mountain in the world, and he climbed to the top, and returned months later, older and wiser and more tired than years before when he had first heard the noise, the noise that would not leave his mind and that echoed in his every waking thought.

He returned, and the head monk saw that he was wiser, and said "At last, you are a monk. Come with me." And they walked through the monastery, its twisting and turning halls, and as they went the man heard the noise again, over and over, and he was no longer sure if it was the noise or merely his memory of it.

And finally, finally, he stood in front of the door and the head monk opened it up, and the man saw what had made the noise.
What Would Jack Do ?
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#509 User is offline   Lancelot 

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Posted 11 December 2007 - 09:31 AM

According to Thomas Cook in the UK, some holidaymakers are just never satisfied. Here are the top ten most bizarre and genuine customer complaints
received by the firm in recent years:

1 On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all.

2 The beach was too sandy.

3 I bought a snorkel and swimming mask for my six-year-old son, but he was too upset to use them as the fish frightened him.

4 It rained on my birthday.

5 Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women.

6 I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.

7 It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned.

8 We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake.

9 None of the hotel staff was English, and the tea didn't taste the same as at home.

10 I would like to complain about the price of alcohol in the resort. It was too cheap and I woke with a hangover every day.
Let There Be A Way Through The Waters
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#510 User is offline   bubba 

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Posted 11 December 2007 - 09:38 AM

@grumble, nice shinny lurer....but I'm not biting

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#511 User is offline   Grumble 

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Posted 11 December 2007 - 09:53 AM

Oh go on !
What Would Jack Do ?
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#512 User is offline   bubba 

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Posted 11 December 2007 - 09:57 AM

ok...(plays the rube)...so what was the noise?

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#513 User is offline   Shiara 

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Posted 11 December 2007 - 09:57 AM

He can't tell you, you have to be a monk :)
*casting the shaved knuckle*
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#514 User is offline   bubba 

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Posted 11 December 2007 - 09:59 AM

oh don't wreak it for him!....he worked so hard

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#515 User is offline   Grumble 

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Posted 11 December 2007 - 10:03 AM

@ Shiara * Boo * * Hiss * :)

@ Bubba :eek: Thanks for playing along, but yep you got it .....

Once the door was opened the guy was amazed to see ..... hang on a minute

"I can't tell you; you're not a monk."
What Would Jack Do ?
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#516 User is offline   Aptorian 

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Posted 11 December 2007 - 10:08 AM

AHH Shiara you totally ruined that!

I was completely wrapped up in finding out what the noise was.

*wonders how many stars are found in the night sky*
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#517 User is offline   Dancer+ 

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Posted 11 December 2007 - 10:12 AM

Damn it, someone try and google it. Sometimes that works.
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#518 User is offline   bubba 

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Posted 11 December 2007 - 10:20 AM

OK along the same lines.......every night for a month last year a big fat raccoon was getting into the trash at my parents house, my dad tried all the tricks of securing the lids to keep him out. My dad had had enough and was going to shoot it , but my mom wouldn't let him. So we got one of those "have a heart" traps and set it on the porch. Sure enough that night my dad heard a racket on the porch and found the big fat raccoon in the trap. So me and my dad drove two hours up into the White mountains and set him free. the next night my dad heard the trash cans being knocked over and looked out to see a big fat raccoon on the porch.......

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#519 User is offline   Illuyankas 

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Posted 11 December 2007 - 10:31 AM

You took him out of the trap before you threw him off a mountain? Silly.
Hello, soldiers, look at your mage, now back to me, now back at your mage, now back to me. Sadly, he isn’t me, but if he stopped being an unascended mortal and switched to Sole Spice, he could smell like he’s me. Look down, back up, where are you? You’re in a warren with the High Mage your cadre mage could smell like. What’s in your hand, back at me. I have it, it’s an acorn with two gates to that realm you love. Look again, the acorn is now otataral. Anything is possible when your mage smells like Sole Spice and not a Bole brother. I’m on a quorl.
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#520 User is offline   bubba 

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Posted 11 December 2007 - 10:36 AM

.....was it the same one?.....we couldn't tell....he was wearing a mask.

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