[Pallol One Eye]

What have a condom and a sunken ferry boat got in common:

Theyr'e both roll on and roll off and full of dead seamen

[Lancelot]

Just found these and they made me giggle!!


These funny conversations 'allegedly' took place between air traffic controllers, pilots and air crew around the world. They are included here firstly and simply because many are very funny; secondly because the collection provides examples of not so great communications and relationships between 'customers and suppliers', in the context of achieving quality of customer service and service delivery.

A military pilot had been having difficulty with smooth landings and the crew was required to make note of the exact time the plane landed at different bases. One particular landing took several bounces before staying on the ground. The crew reportedly called up to the pilot, "Which landing shall we note for the record, Sir?" (Ack A & M Martin)

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough for another one."

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,... and I didn't land."

Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[Slum]

*Forgive me if this has already been posted...*

A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba, “Just what the hell is your secret?”

Bubba replied, “Well, coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw ’em forever!”

The coach went home early that day and went straight to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower and, seeing a window of opportunity, tore off his clothes and started banging his penis on the dresser.

His wife immediately stuck her head out of the shower and said, “Is that you, Bubba?”

[bubba]

.......guilty as charged

[Zanth13]

Bubba;278244 said:

.......guilty as charged

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Bubba again.


you just left that open for him didnt you slum....

[Sparkimus]

Did someone say appallingly bad taste jokes?



A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm, looks at his wife and proclaims "this is the cow I've been fucking while you're on the rag!"

His wife sits up, puts down her book and replies, "Honey, that's a sheep."

Man, "I wasn't talking to you BITCH!"






What's blue and pink and sits on the bottom of my pool?



A baby with slashed floaties.



I'm sorry :angel:

[bubba]

A man dies and appears at the Pearly Gates. “Have you ever done a good deed?” asks St. Peter.

“Sure, one time I came across a gang of bikers who were threatening a woman,” the man says. “I walked up to the leader and punched him in the face, kicked over his bike, and told him, ‘You leave her alone or you’ll answer to me.’”

“That was very brave of you,” says St. Peter. “When did this happen?”

“About two seconds ago.”

[Flawed]

Its been a while my children but still, here you go.

Ahem!..........

Q: What do you serve that you can't eat?
A: A tennis ball!

Q: What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A: A Zebra!

Q: What does an Eskimo keep his house together with?
A: Iglue!

Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they're always a little short.

Q: Which day is stronger, Sunday or Monday?
A: Sunday. Monday is a weekday.

Q: What do you get when you cross an octopus with a cow?
A: An animal that can milk itself.

Q: What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost when he ate too fast?
A: Stop goblin your food.

Q: Why do fish avoid the computer?
A: So they don't get caught in the Internet.

Q: What is once in a minute, twice in a moment and never in a thousand years?
A: The letter 'M'!

-----

A bloke walks in to a pub and sees Van Gogh standing at the bar.
"Hi Van, can I get you a drink?"
"No thanks, I got one ear."

-----

Dracula is walking home one night after his usual round of vampire-related evil when he feels a sharp pain in the back of his leg. He turns around and spots a vol-au-vent quivering on the pavement.

Thinking nothing of it, the Count continues walking until he feels a rounded punch in his kidneys. Again, he looks behind him and all he can see is a cocktail sausage.

Now feeling somewhat paranoid, he continues his journey back to Castle Drac. After a few more minutes he feels an excruciating thwack on the back of his head. Dracula spins round to see a platter of sandwiches hovering behind him.

"Who are you?" he shouts.

"I am Buffet, the Vampire Slayer," comes the reply.

-----

Once there was a race between a water hose, a tomato and a lettuce. Who do you think won?
Well, the last time I checked, the hose was still running, the tomato was trying to ketchup and the lettuce was ahead.

[Tiste Simeon]

Lancelot - Brilliant stuff. Especially that last one!

Flawed - Love the Buffet one.

[stone monkey]

After his divorce hearing Sir Paul McCartney was asked by by a journalist whether the experience had put him off going down on one knee again.
"What a ridiculous question?" he replied indignantly. "Anyway, her name's Heather."

[D Man]

Teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.

"What's the moral of that story?" as ked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they
hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."

"That was a fine story Sarah."

Michael, "Do you have a story to share?"

"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she
killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the f**k away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking."

[ShadowOwl]

Another new illness to watch out for!


A guy calls his boss one morning and tells him that he is staying home
because he is not feeling well.

'What's the matter?' he asks.

'I have a case of anal glaucoma,' he says in a weak voice.

'What the hell is anal glaucoma?'

' I can't see my ass coming into work today.'

[Slum]

Forgive me...

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his zipper.

The bartender says, “Hey! Did you know you have a steering wheel attached to your willie?”

The pirate replies, “Aye! It’s driving me nuts!”

[Slum]

OK, I was just reminded of an oldie but a goody by a friend.

He was telling me a bout this crazy chick he took home: "So she says to me, 'Come on, I want you to give me twelve inches and MAKE IT HURT!' So I stuck it in her twice and then punched her in her face!"

Ba dum ba...

[Slum]

More bad...


A really drunk guy at a party walks up to the host and asks, “Do you have some green toilet paper that says, ‘Fuck you’?”

The host, stunned, answers, “Of course I don’t have any green toilet paper that says, ‘Fuck you.’”

“Oh, no!” the drunk cries. “I’m really sorry…I think I just wiped my ass with your parrot.”

[Flawed]

Ahem.............

Two golfers were coming up to the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball?" He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "Use this one - you can't lose it!" His friend asks, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!?" The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound. If you hit it into the water it produces bubbles. And if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it." Obviously his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?"

The man replies, "I found it."

[Flawed]

A Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. So he asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"! So the next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

[Flawed]

Aheam........

A man had great tickets for the World Cup final. As he sat down, another man came over and asked if anyone was sitting in the seat next to him. "No," the first man replied. "The seat is empty." "That's incredible!" said the second man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?!?" The first man said, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh... I'm sorry to hear that," replied the second man. "That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The first man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

[bubba]

Ponderisms
Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

[Menandore]

Quote

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Because that's the current exchange rate. £1 = $2 thus 1p = 2c