[bubba]

*cough*bump*cough*

What Doctor's Say and What They are Thinking
* "Welllllll, what have we here...?"
(He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.)

* "Let me check your medical history."
(I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.)

* "Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
(I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time or I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.)

* "We have some good news and some bad news."
(The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you�re going to pay for it.)

* "Let's see how it develops."
(Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.)

* "Let me schedule you for some tests."
(I have a forty-percent interest in the lab.)

* "I'd like to have my associate look at you."
(He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.)

* "I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
(I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.)

* "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
(I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.)

* "That's quite a nasty looking wound."
(I think I'm going to throw up.)

* "This may smart a little."
(Last week two patients bit off their tongues.)

* "Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we?"
(I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?)

* "This should fix you up."
(The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.)

* "Everything seems to be normal."
(Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.)

* "I'd like to run some more tests."
(I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.)

* "Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
(You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me.)

* "There is a lot of that going around."
(My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.)

* "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
(I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.)

[D Man]

QUESTION:
How do you tell the difference between a UK Police Officer, an Australian
Police Officer and an American Police Officer?

ANSWER:
Pose the following question -

You're down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the
corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and
charges.
You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere
seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?.

UK Police Officer answer:

Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his
hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this
send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he would be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound
me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he
was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-9-9?
Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and
weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage
such behaviour.
If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, Do I get blamed when he falls
over running away, knocks his head and kills himself?
If I shoot him, and lose the court case does he have the opportunity to sue
me, cost me my job, my credibility and will I lose my family home?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------


AUSTRALIAN OFFICERS Answer:

BANG!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------


AMERICAN OFFICERS Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

click... (sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

click.

Daughter: "Nice grouping dad, were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"

[Wanderer]

Haha quite funny but sadly kinda true on the British police front.

[Urb]

yes... that was certainly the sadest part.........

[Tiste Simeon]

I like it D-Man. Shame that it is all too true...

[Macros]

sadly true, though what would a bobby be doing with a gun? British police are so tough they only need a batton to take them down!

[Tiste Simeon]

Northern police just need a handsome set of mutton chops...

[Urb]

I'm confused. Are you guys also being sarcastic? :confused:

[Macros]

Not in the slightest, a firm stare and a sharp word can bring most miscreants into line

[greenteam]

why did mary fall off the swing??
because she had no arms

why couldn't mary get up??
because she had no legs

knock! knock!
who's there??
not mary

[Tiste Simeon]

@ Greenteam - :lachen70: For some reason I found that ridiculously hilarious!

[Sinisdar Toste]

my friend went to get a clonoscopy. he said they froze his ass so he didnt feel much and he got to watch it on the tv. he said it was cool to see his inner self.

[Illuyankas]

What's blue and doesn't fit? A dead epileptic.



I'm a terrible person, but not as terrible as the friend who told that joke to an epileptic girl in a wheelchair before he found out. I reckon it's the idea of that joke as an icebreaker that made me laugh my ass off.

[Flawed]

Ahem.........

Q: What do you call a dinosaur in cowboy boots?
A: Tyrannosaurus Tex.

Q: What has four legs and only one foot?
A: A bed.

Q: If your mother was born in Iceland and your father was born in Cuba, what does that make you?
A: An Ice Cube.

Q: If you don't feel well, what do you probably have?
A: A pair of gloves on your hands.

Q: Why did the dinosaur study so hard?
A: He wanted to become a thesaurus.

Q: What are gas station attendant's favourite shoes?
A: Pumps.

Q: What did Sherlock Holmes tell his sidekick upon discovering a tree producing sour fruit?
A: A Lemon Tree, my Dear Watson.

-----

A lady went into the grocery and asked for fifty gallons of milk. The clerk, amazed, asked her what she was going to do with that much milk. "I have a skin problem and the Doctor prescribed a milk bath."

The clerk asked, "Pasteurized?"

"No," she replied, "just up to my chin."

-----

A guy is standing over his tee shot, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed ..... his partner says, "What's taking you so long?"

The first guy says, "My wife is on the clubhouse porch, so I want to make a perfect shot."

His partner says, "forget it ..... you'll never hit her from here."

[Tiste Simeon]

Flawed said:

Q: What did Sherlock Holmes tell his sidekick upon discovering a tree producing sour fruit?
A: A Lemon Tree, my Dear Watson.

This one made me giggle.

[bubba]

Q. Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?

A. He heard the referees were blowing fowls.

A farmer buys a young rooster to impregnate his chickens. The young rooster struts into the barn and yells to the old rooster, “Get out, old man! This is my barn now!”

“Tell you what,” says the old rooster. “I’ll race you around the farm; winner gets all the chicks.”

The old rooster takes off toward the front of the house with the young rooster chasing him. The farmer takes one look at the roosters, pulls out his shotgun, and blows the young one away.

“Dammit,” says the farmer. “That’s the third gay rooster I’ve bought this month!”

[Slum]

A man was happily driving along in his car late one Saturday night when a cop pulled him over. The policeman walked up to him and asked, “Have you been drinking, sir?”

Confused, the man replied, “Why? Was I weaving all over the road?”

“No,” said the policeman. “You were driving splendidly. It was the incredibly ugly girl in the passenger seat that gave you away.”

-----------------
A guy hears a knock at his door. When he answers it, there’s nobody there, but there’s a snail on the welcome mat. Frustrated, the guy picks up the snail and hurls it into the street.

Five years go by, and there’s another knock at the door. The man answers it, and again there’s no one standing there, but there’s a snail on the welcome mat.

The snail looks up and says, “What the hell was that all about?”

[Adjutant Stormy~]

greenteam;270309 said:

why did mary fall off the swing??
because she had no arms

why couldn't mary get up??
because she had no legs

knock! knock!
who's there??
not mary

Along with the snail joke were told to me by the funniest man I know- good times if told correctly... and properly chemically balanced.

[Shurque's biatch]

Purportedly true story:

Grade school had a ban on the word suck. Put up posters, had assemblies, teachers harped on it in class, etc.

So after a couple weeks a 4th grader comes up to the teacher on the play ground and says some boys were saying the naughty word.

teacher "what were they saying?"
student "that bad word"
t "which one?"
s "you know, the one were not supposed to say"
t "well just tell me"
s "uh, well..."
t "go on"
s "it's the one that rhyms with fnck"

[Bent]

2 Guys Walked Into A Bar.......


Vodka!!!!!!