[Flawed]

Ahem.........

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of the season", said Saint Peter, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into Heaven on this Holy Day." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a holy candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," said Saint Peter. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." And Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates." The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. "What do these symbolize?" Saint Peter asked.

The man replied, "They're Carol's."

[Flawed]

Ahem.................

An Englishman, an Aussie and a South African are in a bar one night, having a beer. All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun, shoots the glass to pieces and says, "In South Africa our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice." The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the glass to pieces and says, "Well mate, in Australia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either." The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the South African and the Australian and then says,

"In London we have so many bloody South Africans and Australians that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

[Krupee]

hope no one posted this one, it's...... interesting


a man was in an ice cream parlor waiting to buy some ice cream. there was one
lady in front of him. she ordered a chocolate cone.
the soda-jerk told her he's sorry but they have run out of chocolate. she
said, "ok, then i'll have some chocolate."
he told her, "lady, i'm out of chocolate."
once again she said, "ok, i'll just have some chocolate."
exasperated, he said, "lady, spell van as in vanilla."
she spelled van.
he said, "good, now spell straw as in strawberry."
she spelled straw.
he said, "good, now spell f*** as in chocolate."
the lady said, "there is no f*** in chocolate."
he replied, "that's what i'm trying to tell you."

[bubba]

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women that he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your pictures and send the rest back."

[Lancelot]

Subject: Passport Application

Dear Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?

How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.

Do you people do this by hand?

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!

I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!

Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor...

who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN (Insert generic immigrant country here)...

Yours sincerely,

An Irate British Citizen.
...............................



KIDS ARE QUICK

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA : Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS : Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the
floor?
JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN : Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD : H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD : Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't
have ten years ago.
WINNIE : Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I..'
MILLIE : I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE : All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't
punish him?
LOUIS : Because George still had the ax in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before
eating?
SIMON : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as
your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
HAROLD : A teacher

[Flawed]

ahem..............

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard. "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87." "That's nothing," says Sean. "Here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died." Then Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy. Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims,

"Miles, from Dublin."

[Flawed]

A man walks into a nightclub one night. He goes straight up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly sir, that'll be ten pence," replies the bartender. "Ten pence?" exclaims the man. "Yes, ten pence," the bartender replies. So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-Bone steak with chips, peas and a fried egg?" "Certainly, sir," replies the bartender, "but that comes to real money." "How much money?" enquires the man. "Forty pence," the bartender replies. "Forty pence?" exclaims the man. "Where is the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replies, "He's upstairs with my wife." "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" asks the man. The bartender replies,

"The same thing I'm doing to his business."

[bubba]

Difficult English
The bandage was wound around the wound.

The farm was used to produce produce.

The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse

We must polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of injections my jaw got number.

Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

[Flawed]

Ahem!.......

A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He's assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. The new monk goes to the Abbot and points out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The Abbot says, "We've been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my Son." So he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old Abbot. Eventually, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees the Abbot banging his head against the wall, sobbing uncontrollably. "Father, what's wrong?" asks the young monk. With a choking voice, the old Abbot repliesÖ

"The word is 'celebrate'."

[bubba]

Relatives.

Ernie asks Joe, "If I slept with your wife and had a child would that make us related?"

Joe says to Ernie, "No but it would make us even."

[bubba]

for the handsome one.....

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
- U nique up on it
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
- Tame way!

[Raraku]

A guy walks into a bar. A sign says that if you can make my horse laugh I ll give you a hundred dollars. So the man goes to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear. Immediately the horse starts laughing.
5 days later the same sign says if u can make my horse cry I ll pay you 200 dollars. Again the man goes to the horse and a minute later the horse is bawling.
The patrons all gather around him and ask him how did you make the horse laugh??
He answered "I told the horse i had a bigger penis"
"and how did you make him cry?"
"I showed it to him."

[Flawed]

ta Bubba

Ahem.......

A man walks into a lawyer's office and enquires about the rates. "Fifty pounds for three questions," replies the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully expensive?" asks the man. "Yes," replies the lawyer,

"and what was your third question?"

[Flawed]

Ahem!........

A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a city law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "You're next," says the Genie to the partner. The partner says,

"I want those two back in the office after lunch."

[Grumble]

INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHTS ..... :eek: :hand:


MEDIOCRITY

While most are taught from an early age to do their best in life, the possibility exists for others to be remarkably average. To do nothing to stand out from the crowd. To live a life of uneventful, irrelevant, inconsequential insignificance. Others may aspire to move beyond their simple existence, but the bottom line is, you don't because you suck. So you might as well keep lying on the couch.


FAILURE

If you envision failure, failure is sure to come your way. If you envision success, you must be envisioning someone else's success.


LACK OF EFFORT

Effort is measured deep within oneself, not by how others judge you. Only you will truly know how little you care. How little you'll try. And what minimal exertion will be required to accomplish the task at hand. If you don't try, only you will know. And only you will know that you don't care, either.


DEATH

They say that death is hardest for the living. Unless you were an ass or you were a street person, or you were someone really old with no family who talked back to the TV, or you were someone who called other people's houses and tried to sell them new roofs while they were eating dinner, or you were short. In which case, your death really isn't all that hard for the living.


DAYDREAMS

Dreams are for those who envision a better life. Dreams are for those who have hopes and aspirations and goals for the future. Dreams are for those who see a bigger, brighter tomorrow. Daydreams, on the other hand, are for people who should be doing one thing but instead of doing that one thing, they're sitting around thinking about lying on the beach, or having sex with a stranger in an elevator, or shooting their immediate supervisor. So are you a dreamer, or a daydreamer? And if you're a daydreamer, is your immediate supervisor in today?


YOU CAN'T DO IT.

In life, there are those who can and those who cannot. Statistical probability would assume you have a fifty-fifty chance of being someone who cannot. And chances are, if you're on the wrong side of the fifty, your minimal successes have been far outweighed by a multitude of excessive failures. You may aspire to greatness, but greatness does not wish to be associated with you. Rest assured, you are not alone. Many others have failed before you, and many others will continue to fail after you. Yet to you, your failures seem bigger and that much more unsuccessful because they're yours. And in some respects, you're correct.


GIVE UP.

While the most satisfying moments of life are those when hard work results in great reward, the truth is, those moments are so far and few between with someone like you, the effort required to achieve those moments seems somewhat ridiculous. In life, the effort necessary to generate positive results cannot outbalance the effort required to generate the effort itself. A man who understands this conundrum and chooses instead to sacrifice life's positive moments for an existence of relative obscurity is a smart man, indeed. And lazy.


SELFISHNESS

Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. Remember "me" and you'll never forget that you are Number 1 and everyone else is Number 2. And there's like a Grand Canyon-sized gap between Number 1 and Number 2.


EXTREMELY LOW EXPECTATIONS

Set the bar low and you will always meet your goals. Even better, take the bar off completely.


LYING

You are an amazing human being. You are a spectacular creation of God. If there is a God, you're not that far behind. There has never been someone like you, nor shall anyone ever be worthy to follow in your footsteps. With every step of every day, you never cease to amaze those around you in your superiority. The world bows before you in honor, oh amazing one.

IGNORANCE

Lack of knowledge isn't stupidity. Rather, it's far more difficult to not know many things than it is to know a few random items of senseless information. Is a rocket scientist considered ignorant as to the laws of the trailer park? Is a brain surgeon considered ignorant because he does not know how to grill bratwurst? Is a tax attorney thought to be ignorant simply because he forgot to take his girlfriend's phone number out of his wallet before he got home and his wife saw it? Perhaps. So why, we ask, is it any different for a man who may not know much, but is smart enough to know that he knows very little? There is no such animal as ignorance, friends. Some people are just more stupider than others.


PROCRASTINATION

Sometimes doing things later is better than doing them early. Those who rush to do something oftentimes make hasty decisions. Like the hunter who rifles off a round at a set of antlers off in the distance only to discover it was his brother-in-law wearing that stupid hat again. Damn him and that stupid hat. Patience is a virtue. Does it truly matter if the garbage goes out to the curb this exact second? Why can't I just wait until the garbage truck pulls in front of the house? Does the garbage care? Do the garbagemen care? So then, why do you care? Why do something today what you can do it a week from next Thursday? Why is everyone in such a rush? What's the big hurry? Good things come to those who wait. So plan on waiting longer than anyone's every waited in the history of waiting.


DARE

Dare to be different. Dare to take a path where no other chooses to tread. Dare to collect unemployment for two full years. Dare to be your own man. Dare to be brave. Dare to tell your mother-in-law she's really starting to pack it on. Dare to stand on your own merits. Dare to challenge common beliefs. Dare to tap an old person on the shoulder and act like you didn't do it. Dare.


REST

Rest is your body's way of recharging your energy supply. Rest means not only physical rest, but emotional rest, for the brain needs to reinvigorate, too. And while physical rest is good, psychological rest is even better. Psychological rest is best when your wife is out shopping and you don't have to hear her complain for the next hour or so. Psychological rest rocks.


GOSSIP

Spreading untruths regarding others can lead to unspoken pain. 'Tis far better to say nothing of how your next door neighbor never cuts his grass and his daughter is too fat to dress like a whore and his car's a piece of crap and you heard that his wife cheated on him with the guy who put up the siding on their house. 'Tis far better to say nothing of any of that. Unless someone asks. Then it is not gossip. 'Tis the spoken truth.


THE PATH TO INDIFFERENCE

It's not a straight and narrow road, The Path To Indifference. Often we find ourselves exploring another road, a road filled with hope and promise. Quickly, however, we come to realize that particular road is closed for people like us. People who don't have the money, nor the beauty, nor the desire to try to gain access to that more desired route. So we instead choose another more easily accessible, more traveled path: The Path To Indifference. Also known as Who Gives A Crap Street.


SICKNESS

Behold the joy of illness: "Sorry boss, I've got a bad cough." "I can't come in today, sir. My son has a fever." "I'll try to make it in later, but I'm not sure. I think I've got that 24 hour Aids thing." "Seats behind homeplate for today's game? Hold on, let me call in sick."


IMPOSSIBILITY

They say nothing is impossible. We disagree. Everything is impossible. At least for you. Getting out of your miserable job? Impossible. Getting out of your miserable relationship? Impossible. Getting out of death? Not impossible. Then again, why would you want to do that, given the state of your miserable life? Armed with this knowledge, go out and enjoy the day. That's impossible, you say? Excellent. Now you're starting to get it.


DARKNESS

The next time you have a difficult moment, shut your eyes and stare at the darkness. That's exactly what it will look like when you're dead. Isn't it comforting to know death is nothing more than life with your eyes closed? Doesn't that put you more at peace with the spiritual world? If not, then keep your eyes closed and cross a busy intersection.


LOSERS

Not everyone can win every time. Some rarely win at all. Nevertheless, victory is not always the most important outcome. If you know deep within yourself that you've worked hard and tried your best, but still you came up a bit short, that's not someone who lost. That's someone who with hard work and perseverance, just might win next time. Sure you will. Loser.


EXPECTATIONS

Expect little of yourself, and others will do the same. Thank God.

[Raraku]

A man sitting on the internet watching porn finds a link that says "Will suck dick while singing the national anthem."
He is really interested so the next day he goes to the address and checks it out.
A beautiful woman comes to the door, takes him inside turns off the lights and takes of his pants and starts singing and sucking.
The next day the man tells his best friend about it so the best friend goes and checks it out.
The same happens to him. She turns off the light, takes of his pants, starts singing and sucking. But in the middle for no reason he turns on the lights and on a table sees a glass eye.


Can you guess why??

[Flawed]

Ahem............

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station, when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," says the little girl. Yet as the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." The little girl replies,

"You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

[Grumble]

ATM

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE and FEMALE procedures have been developed.

Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender:

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

:eek:

[Flawed]

Ahem.........

Two brothers, a seven-year-old and a four-year-old, are upstairs in their bedroom one morning. "You know what?", says the seven-year-old. "I think it's about time we started swearing." The four-year-old nods his head in approval, so the seven-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, okay?" "Okay, okay," the four-year-old agrees with enthusiasm. So they go downstairs and their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the seven-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh shit Mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops." THWACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up and runs upstairs crying his eyes out. The mother turns to the four-year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," the four-year-old blubbers, "but it won't be fucking Coco Pops."

[bubba]

I always loved that joke......have rep........empress