[Grumble]

Dylan is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and is giving him a big 'hello' .

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although her face is vaguely familiar, Dylan can't place where he might know her from, so he says, 'Sorry, do you know me?'

She replies, 'I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children'

Dylan's mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, 'Blimey!' he says, 'Did we meet on Frank's stag do in Newport? Dylan continued, 'When I got out of the police station and got back to the hotel room you had gone.'

No, 'she replies, 'I'm your son's English Teacher'

[Coco with marshmallows]

from glasgow stand up Frankie Boyle:

"thank god the Spice girls reunion is over. The only time i want to see Geri Halliwell wrapped in the union jack is if she's been killed in battle"

[Grumble]

"ADJUSTING TO MARRIED LIFE"


This couple has only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, can't wait to go out into town and party with his old buddies.

He says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..."

"Where are you going coochy coo...?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer"

The wife says to him, "You want a beer, my love?" Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, "Yes, loolie loolie... but the bar... you know... the frozen glass..."

He doesn't get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"
She takes a huge beer mug out of the freezer so frozen that she is getting the chills holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at
the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: buffalo wings, nachos mushroom caps, chicken strips, etc.

"But sweet honey... at the bar... you know... the swearing, the
dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, cutie pie? .....

DRINK YOUR F**KING BEER IN YOUR FROZEN F**KING MUG AND EAT YOUR F**KING DAMN SNACKS BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE!! GOT IT A**HOLE?!!"

[Flawed]

Ahem.........

One day a man died and found himself in Hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so glum?" The man responded, "Why do you think? I'm in Hell!" "Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?" "Sure," the man said. "I love to drink." "Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Diet Coke and vodka. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!" The man was astounded. "Crikey, that sounds great." "You a smoker?" the demon asked. "You better believe it!" "You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?" "Wow," the man said, "that's awesome!" The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble." "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do." "Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?" The man said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't meanÖ" "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!" "Wow," the man said, starting to feel better about his situation. "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!" The demon said, "You gay?" "No."

"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays

[Lancelot]

THE INTERNATIONAL COUNCIL OF MAN LAWS

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
( The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
© After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.

4 : If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

5:Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask whose playing.

9: You may f@rt in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's
officially your girlfriend.

10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

13:Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.

22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green, orange or sky blue.

25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox 360 End of story.

26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

' GUTS ' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'

' BALLS ' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'

I hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Man Laws.

[Macros]

A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer.

"What's up, John?" asked the farmer.

"Gosh Bob, I'll tell you what ... if I don't sell a tractor soon, I'm gonna have to close my shop."

"Now John, things could be worse," said Bob.

"How do you figure?" asked John.

"Well, John - you know my ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter. Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall. Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me!
But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall. Well wouldn't you just know it...my damn pants fell down."

"And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you TODAY!"

[Puck]

I'm sorry for the poor wording.. Written it's not half that funny as it seemed while it was told to me..

There's a forest inhabited by all sorts of animals and only one beaver. Three organizations get the job to catch the beaver and deliver it to God: Greenpeace, the Army and the Catholic Inquisition.
First Greenpeace try their luck. They set up signs telling 'save the beaver' and 'all power to the beaver' and feeding grounds everywhere. But no beaver shows himself.
So the army comes and burns everything down. They iron through the forest's meagre remains, open fire at everything that shifts and shout out to the beaver to show himself. But nope, no beaver.
Last but not least two inquisitors enter the forest. They disappear for three days. After three days they come out dragging a fox along between them. Only thing the fox does is bowing repeatedly and saying 'I am a beaver... I am a beaver..'

[Raraku]

Here s a couple i found


A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at this woman and all his
professionalism went out the window.
He immediately told her to undress. After she had
disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing
so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions
or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said
the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do
you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or
breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual
intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing
now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came
here in the first place."


Whats the difference between a blond and a Mosquito?

The mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.



Why are blonds and a hurricane the same?

Because at first there is a lot of sucking and blowing and then your house is gone!


A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman
beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They
are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as
your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."



Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He yells in, "Hey,
Pop! What are you doin'?"
His father says, "Son, I'm filling your mother's tank."
Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that
gets better mileage. The postman filled her this morning."


An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he
called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is
it or the express degree you told me about?"

"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon,
why do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business! Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer
was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and
it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the
lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late,
tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before
you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said,
"One less lawyer . . ."

[Raraku]

Here s a couple i found


A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at this woman and all his
professionalism went out the window.
He immediately told her to undress. After she had
disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing
so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions
or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said
the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do
you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or
breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual
intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing
now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came
here in the first place."


Whats the difference between a blond and a Mosquito?

The mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.



Why are blonds and a hurricane the same?

Because at first there is a lot of sucking and blowing and then your house is gone!


A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman
beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They
are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as
your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."



Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He yells in, "Hey,
Pop! What are you doin'?"
His father says, "Son, I'm filling your mother's tank."
Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that
gets better mileage. The postman filled her this morning."


An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he
called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is
it or the express degree you told me about?"

"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon,
why do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business! Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer
was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and
it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the
lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late,
tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before
you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said,
"One less lawyer . . ."

[Flawed]

Ahem........

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer now,' or, 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out,

"And there's the teacher. She's dead."

[Mezla PigDog]

THE HORTH WHITHPERER

Vic calls Harry, the horse rancher, and says
he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

Harry asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.'

So, the midget shows up, and Harry asks him if he's
looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth,' the midget replied.

So, Harry shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth,' says the midget. 'Can I thee
her eyeth'?

So, Harry picks up the midget and he gives the
horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth. Can I thee her earzth'?

Again, he picks the little fella up and shows him the
horse's ears.

'Nith earzth. Can I see her mouf'?

Harry is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he
picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf. Can I see her twat'?

Totally mad as fire at this point, Harry grabs the midget
under his arms and sticks his head as far as he can
up the horse's ass, pulls him out and plops him on the
ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. 'Perhapth
I should rephrase that request. Can I thee her wun
awound a widdlebit'?

[Slum]

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn’t been feeling well and wants to find out if he’s ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.

"I’m afraid I have some bad news. You’re dying and you don’t have much time," the doctor says.

"Oh no, that’s terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.

"Ten," says the doctor.

"Ten? Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.

"Nine. . ."

[bubba]

Question
If a women is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, do you think:

(A) You need more time together
( She's a prude
© She should of sat elsewhere on the bus

[Illuyankas]

©

DOUBLE DECKER TIME IS ILLY TIME

[Slum]

D) She should get over it and sit and my lap.

[bubba]

E) She should not have rented the video.

[Illuyankas]

F) Her parents are distracting her.

[Darkwatch]

G) She shouldn't have walked under the sprinkler in white clothing.

[Slum]

Q: What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

A: Polaroids.

Edit: Slum negreps himself for that.

[Flawed]

Ahem....

A blind man enters a Ladies' Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very angry voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things: One - The bartender is a blonde girl. Two - The bouncer is a blonde girl. Three - I'm a six-foot, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. Four - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter. Five - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,

"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."