[Grumble]

A man was rushed to hospital last night with a vaccum cleaner up his arse.

His friends were relieved to find out this morning that he was " Picking up "

[caladanbrood]

Abyss' jokes >>>>>>>>>> Grumble's jokes

[Grumble]

Yeah ..... they SUCK .... no he didn't ... yep he did :eek:

[Grumble]

A man comes home from a hard days work and is met by his wife at the door, dressed in high heels, a basque, stockings and suspenders.

" Tie me up and you can do anything you want to " she purred in his ear

So he tied her up and pissed off for a game of golf with his mates .....

[Abyss]

Anomander Rake returns to Moon's Spawn after a hard day of chaining eleint, killing demon lords and stabbing Oponn in the small intestine.

Lady Envy meets him at the portcullis wearing only a see-thru white toga and a smile.

"Tie me up and you can do anything you want to..." she purred in his ear.

So he ties her up, has an ale with the three warlocks and then sheboings Silanah draconic style for the next three days.

- Abyss, went there.

[Grumble]

Two guys are chatting in a bar, complaining about their wives. “My wife is really stupid,� says the first guy. “Last week she bought a brand-new car, and she doesn’t even know how to drive.�

“That’s nothing,� says the second guy. “Last week I found a bunch of condoms in my wife’s purse, and she doesn’t even have a penis!� :eek:

[Shiara]

Happy Fact: If the entire population of France were to hold hands around the world at least half of them would drown.

- written on the underside of a bunk in the YHA in Auckland


RE: the ladies answering the door scantily clad and men being bastards about it, here is a true story...


It was K and N's first wedding anniversary, so K decided to do something special. She went to all lengths making a delicious lamb roast with all the trappings, champagne etc etc.

When N came home, K answered the door in nothing but an apron and heels. "I've made lamb roast with vegetables and there's champagne on the table"

N looks at her and says, "But Tuesday night's spaghetti!"


My dad can be a total idiot sometimes

[Darkwatch]

Shiara;186037 said:

Happy Fact: If the entire population of France were to hold hands around the world at least half of them would drown.

- written on the underside of a bunk in the YHA in Auckland

I like the way that person thinks.

[Grumble]

Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet.

The nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross."

So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Get off our f*cking car." :eek:

[Illuyankas]

I just remembered an idea I had a while back, an idea for an amazing product - Literature Lingerie! AKA something to read while you're down there.

[Wiggles]

reminds me of The Blowjob Pillow. When we're old and senile and stuff, wife and I are going to start marketing them.

[Grumble]

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk.

"That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill." :eek:

[the corinthian]

whats the difference between the french and a piece of toast?

you can make soldiers out of a piece of toast

how many men does it take to defend paris?

we dont know, they've never tried

[Grumble]

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

[Grumble]

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.

The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better." :eek:

[Darkwatch]

Engineers:

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

--------------

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.


To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

--------------

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him". He said, "Hello, George! what's wrong with that group ahead of us?

They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

--------------

Q:What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

A:Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

--------------

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

----------------

Crazy the lot of them.

[Thelomen Toblerone]

Lol, that's so Brood.

[bubba]

Two blonde's were walking through the wolds when one looked down and said "look deer tracks" then the other one said "no those are moose tracks" they were still arguing about it when the train hit them.

[Grumble]

A woman visits her local GP Dr Smith with a problem.

" Dr Smith I am desperate to increase my bust size can you help me " she asks.

Dr Smith explains that for a flat chested woman like herself the only real solution would be implants.

" Oh Doctor, I can't afford expensive surgery is there no other way ..... please "

Dr Smith taking pity on the woman explains there might just be something she can try.

" Many years ago I worked in Africa and learn't some strange magical things from a local witchdoctor " he explained " I may have an answer for you. "

" Doctor I am prepared to try anything " the desperate woman pleaded.

" Very well follow these instructions every day and you will be very happy with the results. "

" Every morning when you get up rub your breasts and say the magic words ... scooby dooby dooby give me bigger boobies ... you must do this every day or the effects will wear off "

" Oh thank you Doctor, I will do just as you have said "

Over the next few weeks the woman follows the good doctors instructions every morning and is amazed to find her bust size increased by a whole 2 cup sizes. The woman is so happy and men who never looked at her twice before are now chatting her up and pestering her for dates ..... life is great.

One morning however, after a late night being wined and dined by the office hunk, the woman wakes up and realises she is late for work. She throws on her clothes and runs to the bus stop.

As she is waiting for the bus the woman remembers the doctors warning and thinking she is alone starts rubbing her breasts saying the magic words ... scooby dooby dooby give me bigger boobies ...

As she finishes she hears a nervous cough behind her and turns to see an embarrassed young man stood behind her.

" You must be a patient of Doctor Smiths " he says.

" Yes I am ..... how did you know that ? " she said

" Hickory Dickory Dock " ........ :eek:

[Sir Thursday]

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?

To get to the same side!


A Mathematician's joke for you there.


Sir Thursday