[Grumble]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, Miss, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

[Anomander's Rake]

My Jewish friend came up with this while watching borat, not meant to be offensive so don't take it as so.

What did the manager of the Auschwitz baseball team say to his starting pitcher after losing a big game?

Hit the showers.

Sorry about that but you have to admit it's clever.

[Gothos]

I don't get it O_o

[Pissed Andy]

A van driver used to amuse himself by scaring the shit out of every liverpool fan he saw strutting down the road in his red and white uniform. He would swerve as if to hit them, and at the last minute, swerve back onto the road. One day as he was driving along the road, he saw a priest hitch-hiking. He thought he would do his good deed for the day and offer the priest a lift. "Where are you going, Father?" he asked.
"I'm going to say Mass at St Joseph's church, about 2 miles down the road," came the reply.
"No problem," said the driver, "Jump in and I'll give you a lift."
The happy priest climbed into the van and they set off down the road. Suddenly the driver caught site of a liverpool fan on the pavement, and instinctively swerved as if to hit him, but just in time, remembering the priest in his van, swerved back to the road again, narrowly missing the cunt. Although he was certain that he didn't hit him, however, he still heard a loud "Thud". Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors, and, seeing nothing, said to the priest, "Sorry Father, I almost hit that liverpool Supporter walking down the road there."
"That's okay," replied the priest, "I got the fucker with the door

[Obdigore]

Pissed Andy;192520 said:

A van driver used to amuse himself by scaring the shit out of every liverpool fan he saw strutting down the road in his red and white uniform. He would swerve as if to hit them, and at the last minute, swerve back onto the road. One day as he was driving along the road, he saw a priest hitch-hiking. He thought he would do his good deed for the day and offer the priest a lift. "Where are you going, Father?" he asked.
"I'm going to say Mass at St Joseph's church, about 2 miles down the road," came the reply.
"No problem," said the driver, "Jump in and I'll give you a lift."
The happy priest climbed into the van and they set off down the road. Suddenly the driver caught site of a liverpool fan on the pavement, and instinctively swerved as if to hit him, but just in time, remembering the priest in his van, swerved back to the road again, narrowly missing the cunt. Although he was certain that he didn't hit him, however, he still heard a loud "Thud". Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors, and, seeing nothing, said to the priest, "Sorry Father, I almost hit that liverpool Supporter walking down the road there."
"That's okay," replied the priest, "I got the fucker with the door

I have heard this numerous times before, normally much more race-orientated. Still pretty good though.

[Brys Beddict]

This is something that moderately scares me.

http://www.youtube.c...h?v=6NkxI7_Z1VA

As for jokes...can't think of any right now.

[Tiste Simeon]

Brys Beddict said:

This is something that moderately scares me.

http://www.youtube.c...h?v=6NkxI7_Z1VA

As for jokes...can't think of any right now.

The sketch show was one of the more brilliantly underrated TV shows... I loved it!

[Menandore]

What was that from? That was damn funny!

[caladanbrood]

It's just called "The Sketch Show". Don't think it's on anymore though.

[Rich the Great]

From that Iranian comedian I think from the Edinburgh Festival a few years back that tickled me:

I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because I looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian. They said, "Say something funny then." I told them I had just graduated from flying school.

[Illuyankas]

A goat goes into a jobcentre and asks in perfect English for some work. The slightly amazed clerk has a look through his files and says he could try the circus.
"The circus?" says the goat, "Why would the circus want a bricklayer?"

[Fid]

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.
He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof--and the horn--screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

[Lostara Yil]

This one's kinda lame... dunno if anyone's heard it before...

----

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to the front of his pants. As he sits down, the bartender looks at him and says, "Wait, wait, wait... before you say anything, why do you have that steering wheel on your pants?"
The pirate replies, "Arrr, it drives me nuts!"

----

Boo, hiss, growl. *neg rep*

[Illuyankas]

I was completely healthy until I saw the last post. Now I have cancer.

[Tiste Simeon]

@ Fid - very good point.

@ Lostara Yil - Why a pirate?

[Gothos]

"me" instead of "my" in pirate slang or whuteva?

[Tiste Simeon]

Well, yeah, but that isn't necessarily the first thing one thinks of in pirates. Heck, half of Yorkshire say that as well, and none of them are pirates (AFAIK...)

[Satan]

Gothos;192509 said:

I don't get it O_o

Gothos;195020 said:

"me" instead of "my" in pirate slang or whuteva?

do you need every joke explained to you?

[Gothos]

that wasn't neccessary...

[Binder of Demons]

A string walks into a bar. The bartender gives him an angry glance and says “Hey, we don’t serve strings here.” The string leaves, puts on a costume and comes back. Once again the bartender kicks him out of the bar, and says, “We don’t serve strings here!”
The string sits outside and ties himself into a knot because he badly wants a drink. Then he begins to fray the edges of the knot so the top of his head looks like hair. By this time, the string feels he’s made enough of a transformation to get a drink at the bar.
When the string enters the bar, the bartender looks at him suspiciously and says, “Hey, aren’t you that string?”

The string replies: “Nope, frayed knot.”



-------------------------
-------------------------

A couple hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line.

He says: "OK, now what?"