[drinksinbars]

@marduk - hehe, you are my idol marduk. plus no one on forum proper comes to the writing board so need to entice them!!

@cause - cheers cause

oh btw, i aint had any proper feedback on 3-5 so need as much as possible.

[Baverel]

why do you have a Vistula river in your novel, DiB, my shining sun? It just don't smell rite!!

[drinksinbars]

@IB cheers mate, glad you enjoyed it and the harper chapter is probably going to be chapter 12, so not to long. as i have started writing out of order anyways we may get it sooner than planned, i will have to wait for more inspiration (i wrote this chapter after having a weird dream were i was trying to protect seven gods and i split them up thinking to save them but they died because of it hence the seven become multiple entities. strange were we get ideas from no??)


@cause --- the scenes between harper and katrina are behind closed doors, to the outside world it would seem that once harper settled into his role as king he began the war games.

the asian border is protected by a sort of permanant field which stops anything passing through, it looks like it is merely a technology far in advance of what the rest of the world has but when investagated it was found to use magic aswell. something which was previously thought impossible and whih led to the league heavily investing in the research. i still havent decided the asians role as i have an idea what they could do but may leave that for a sequel as i have to much to do concentrating on europe.

cheers about the fight, it was fun writing, as it was a sort of dreamworld i went a bit mad on the old imagery

what do you mean 89??



**************revision****************

ok heres chapter nine, i want as many negative comments as i can get cause this was a bitch to write, hence it appearing after ten, i totlaly rewrote it twice so that must show how bloody hard it was to get even nearly right. comments specific to the fight and bourne would help,, i know it needs expanded but that may come sooner thanlater.

as always enjoy. chapter 11 will follow next week hopefully and will be a matilda chapter mainly.

[Cause]

will read soon. look forward to it. I am intrested to see the new changes. how the change of setting from bar to living room affects the story.

[drinksinbars]

well i posted that too you guys, if you need to contact me, could you email my hotmail address instead btd_@hotmail.com. cheers

[Iron Bars]

Just read the prologeu, but dont have time to read more. Were there changes in it? I can't remember.

[Cause]

I already gave my comments if you want more be specific in your questions. I do like it though.

[Iron Bars]

Just finished chapter 7. Liked the last 2 chapters. 6 Was a welcome relief inbetween the war parts.

Chapter 7:
Why is Harper holding the war games?
At the end Katrina reveals she is against the Legeau. This came suden I ddint see it comming from her character.
The fightscene was verry good.

Eagerly awaiting the next chapters.

[Fist Gamet]

Let me know when you want me read something, DiB.

[drinksinbars]

good point, will sort that out. hmmm will try to get chapter 12 finished as no matter what i do i just cant get chapter 11 to work, so i guess next release will be next week and will be a harper story. first phase so to speak of the book is nearing a close then will come the center once i have the characters in the pos i want them. glad you enjoyed it.

[Yellow]

I'm still not sure about the revised paragraph, tbh. It feels like it's over-explained a little. Maybe that's just me, though.

How about - tone down the outburst (so that it's not quite so insulting or whatever), then have Bourne say his line, and then maybe leave it at Davis realising he should have kept his mouth shut. Sort of infer the rest, rather than mention the Elite bit?

Anyway that's up to you - but I am eager to read the rest, so send me the next stuff once it's ready

[drinksinbars]

well ijust finished most of chapter twos revisions and its taken all bloody week!!!!!! but the prose at the end of it is much more sound and well written without so many glaring gramatical errors and continuity discrepancies.

at thsi rate though it will be a few weeks before i have a good final version ready for critiquing. if feedback about the two new chapters and the prologue was forthcoming then i can alter thm aswell, thats 11 and 12 i think??? cheers

[Cause]

sorry i have not read it yet. ill try read it this weekend I hate uni. 8-5 evry day while the blasted bachelor of arts kids mock with their lax time table, get a real job .

[Cause]

I hope so, infact when I saw you posted I was expecting them. Hope you have a relaxed day.

[Cause]

I would like more. what happened. what am I to do in my free time. I need you.

[Cause]

read chapter 8. Good. Your elite are really shaping up into something I WANT TO READ MORE OF. The more I READ THE MORE AMAZED i AM THAT YOU ARE ABLE TO MIX THE REAL WOLD science magic and fantasy toghether.

Just a problem. The sergeant wit says he is glad for the rain as it hides his tears but the same segeant than looks to another soldier bell and sees hes crying. seems inconsistent.

[drinksinbars]

you see this was what i was worried about, originally this was chapter four, and so it didnt seem to out of the ordinary that i was bouncing around. The problem is pretty soon you will figure out who the lynch pin characters are and what binds everyone together so the threads though distant will start to make sense.

do me a favour mate and read on from the new version, there isnt much changed beyond the grammar and it wont affect the reading of the previous stuff as only the prologue really changed. the new ones i sent out just have the next pieces on the end of them. if your worried about too many characters well emm, theres a good few more on the way sorry but thats just the way i write. dont worry though everything is tightly connected, and i do know what im doing, rewrote another 10000 words this week so what used to be chapter eight is almost finished.

i think i might try and split it up into parts, shift between league and council territories to offer the introductions. so when the next version comes out you should have a quick glance through to see just where the story is seperated.

as always cheers for the feeback, my GF has refused to do grammar checks until i finish my rewrite as she thinks i will just go over it anyway(probablky right) so you will have to suffer with words grammar checks. i do run it through multiple checkers in the new version so hopefully that will improve it.

are you starting to get a feel for the sort of lifestyle the League has? or is it still too vague? one thing though about the genre stuff, im not trying to write a genre specific book, i mean its not a horror, its not aocmedy, and its defo not a fantasy, its just a book. as long as its enjoyably im happy, but if the changing styles arent working well i will need to reorganaise slightly.

[Cause]

600 is not big not for the fantasy genre anyway

[Yellow]

I'm in a planning frenzy atm Pretty much sorted it in my head now, just a few odds and ends then I'll set out Part 2. Should be a bit longer than the first part, but with more action

Really need to do some more research on battlefield tactics...

And I need to go for a walk somewhere with lots of trees

Damn all this work I've got to do first!

[drinksinbars]

feedback class

cheers guys its appreciated. will look into that section, like yellow says i think i need indents and parts to split the book up, so the new version with the next section has the book split into parts and the paragraphs indented. i think alot of the paragrpahs i had were missed because the previous one looked like it was just another sentence

just putting hte finishing touches on the old chapter eight, and its a bit of a bollix to be honest. trying to write the ninja scene with a new twist to it t fit into things and its really hard hope you are all enjoying the book, i can finally see the end in sight and am quite happy with all the work, and very gratefulk for all the help you guys have so kindly offered

expect more toward the end of the week.