[Iron Bars]

If your explaining Katrinas point of view farther on in your story its alright.

[Iron Bars]

I like the idea of the 7 gods who split into muliple and how man took control. The history of the Legeua is still a little vage to me. Have to reread that part later.

The mage fight was good, still wondering who won though.

Now waiting for the next chaper with Harper.

[Cause]

Okay I read the chapters. I am glad to finally understand how the elite actually fight and dodge bullets that was really bothering me. I have 2 questions 1)are you a big fan of the matrix 2) when Aiko pulls her legs back the cop says it was at an odd angle. What does this mean that as an elite she can bend in unbelievable ways or that it was just ordinary but fast and awkward.

I myself was not so shocked by Katrina wanting to turn against the league we dont know her enough to be suprised by her actions yet. However I do want to know if she loved harper if she was really the ruler and he some kind of puppet for her without noticing and if he killed their sun. Also how long has harper know she was the council leader I recall that the major said something about her being back. Why is harper still not high king where is his longsword. I also have some questions about the godders mostly sparked by your ultimate death match posts hope you reveal some of these answers soon.

Very interested to hear where the whole asian thing the trainee mage thing and the drug thing is going.

Just a problem I had with the fight you describe at one moment harpers hand beeing 3 feet apart that is a metre no swords handle is that long.

Also I think what you were saying about the memories beeing distorted was easily noticed he mentioned it enough so I dont think you have to worry about that.

[drinksinbars]

Ok people now dont find this too wierd but im posting chapter ten before chapoter nine!!!! reasons are simple, chapter nine aint finishjed to a reasonable level so im going over it, plus i had chapter ten in my head all week and could help but write it.

this is the history chapter much reqwuested by cause, so heres at ya mate! hope you enjoy it has my first attempt at a, hmm well ill let you find out instead.

chap 89 should be finished hopefully mid next week. it isnt related to this one so you can read away without fear of continuity errors or plot overlaps.

as always enmjoy, comments both good bad and ugly are not only welcome but demanded!!!!!

[drinksinbars]

that last point will be explained, and from a different perspective, the dumas story is actually one of thomas and sauls threads.

katrinas possession begins at the point when she is given the swords. harper has the swords so tara is trying to possess him, and when katrina had them she was possessed. the reason of course that harper isnt as affected is all about belief, i mentioned in early chapter, i think seven when harper is remembering his wedding day that katrina was brought up believing herself to be the living embodiement of tara. well when she gets the swords and tara begins manipulating her she slowly changes into tara. whereas harper knows the goddess is controlling katrina to a degree he has a strong belief in himself, and although tara tries to twist him to her will and to destroy him in essesnce in the period between the fall and the prologue.

as for the raven, well harper was leader of the league and the raven where its elite. when harper rebelled they went with him. ill add ina bit earlier to show their multi nationalism.


fadeyka is ukrainian for defender, bohdanko is ukrainian for gift from god. the other names are similarly chosen to represent the characters traits.

[Cause]

sorry. DIB will get to it soon. Bit of a large problem last weekend. will try this time.

Ill have to see the rest of the paragraph before i judge the line properly but as it is now not sure i like it. sory mate just feels like ive read so many similiar lines before.

[Cause]

I did enjoy it and am more intrigued each time you mention things like she is not quite an elite etc. It is a good story and interesting. I am very impressed how you manage so far to have a world of magic and technology toghether and how you have also managed to set it in our own world without me thinking its crazy.

Again if you want any specific comments on any parts I will be happy to answer them if you tell me which parts. Good luck with the rest and remeber I am waiting.

[Cause]

Well I dont think you really expect many peopel to pick up on the hints of the names. Few people would know what they mean in ukranina or anyother languages. Still a few might.

So is katrina still possessed or is it that she is has been so transformed by her past possessions that she still thinks shes tara

went through it again. You left doyle on his horse for the meeting with the league when discusiing the truce. Not sure if this is intentional. Nothing came out that seemed to need real changing except my already made comments.

[drinksinbars]

hopefully if work aint too busy today i can finish chapter seven to a level i like and then post the two together.

[drinksinbars]

not patronised in the least, i know it has, my most recent chapters are a hundred times better and i will once i finish my first section be going over what went before and posting it up again.

cheers man, expect chapter 12 next week.

[Iron Bars]

Read the first 5 chapters and eagerly awaiting the next part. I really liked the horror elements you put into the chapter with the demon alot.

[Yellow]

Ok I read the prologue. I'll read chapter 1 later on today, but I'll post some comments on what I've read so far.

First I'll just say that it's an interesting idea - the mix of fantasy/real-life/war-time drama is something I've never really come across before. The opening few scenes/sections do well to set the grounds for where your going (at least, I think they do - maybe there's a big shift round the corner? Meh.) Thomas and Harper seem to have quite a history, and there's a lot of scene-setting going on there, which is cool - drives the reader on, I think.

I'm not sure about the place of Boa's scene in the prologue - I realise it gives the reader information about the fighting, the demons, but nothing else really happens here, so maybe this should be a scene for chapter 1 instead? Once I've read chapter 1, maybe this will be clearer to me. It also came as quite a surprise to me that the war involved demons - by this point I'd picked up on the fact that there was magic/mages around, but not the demonic aspect, and when they are mentioned they are hardly described at all. I'm sure you'll get round to it later, but maybe you should have some kind of description of them here, because I have a fairly bizarre picture in my head as to what they look/move/act like, and it may not be the best first impression of them.

Dialogue was good, lively and to the point, though perhaps giving a bit too much about the world away too early? Depends on where you go from there though, of course.

The only real negative thing that I picked up on was the grammar and punctuation - some of the sentences are perhaps a little too descriptive in places, and the different images tend to trip over each other trying to grab the reader's attention.

Example from the first paragraph:

"In that moment the world is a bright glare against the dark bleakness that’s dragging upon your soul, the contrast instead of pulling you back from the brink has a way of justifying the isolation and guilt that has taken you to that point."

I'm not sure the phrase "dark bleakness" really works, and there is so much information in this sentence, that by the time I get to the end, I've forgotten what it's about! There's a few more examples of this throughout, but I don't really want to line-edit.

There are a lot of mix-ups of words, such as "where" instead of "were", "to" instead of "too", etc, which a spell-check isn't going to pick up, so you might want to go through it with a fine-tooth comb at some point.

Ok that's it for now

All in all, very promising beginning to the story, and I'll be reading the next chapter later on, so I'll look forward to that.

Hope some of this helps

Phil

PS - Oh yeah, one more thing! Is your tab key broke?

[drinksinbars]

if you wouldnt mind, i will have most of it done soon, and sure theres loads of other stuff to read first

but would somebody give me feedback about chapters 11 and 13, cause i thik they are the only two no one has commented on and i would like to change them accordingly.

[drinksinbars]

what about this for the Davis section, yes i am choosing Davis not Davies, if anyone thinks it would be better the other way say so i can change it

Davis really was a hard ass, not many people could stand Bourne’s stare for long, yet he didn’t even flinch. Bourne’s voice was barely audible, “you may be an instructor at this facility Davis but I am still your superior,” he paused, “in every way.” Everyone in the room had fallen deathly silent, apart from Carter who tried to whoop loudly but was met with icy stares for his trouble and a cuff round the ear by Witt. Davis was in charge when it came to the training, and he could try and push Bourne just like everyone else, that is if he were a normal captain, but Bourne was Elite, and if pushed too far would most likely kill the sergeant as easy has obey him. There was of course a severe shortage of Elite, but the army had plenty of sergeants’. Davis was slightly paler with anger, but although a hard ass he was far from stupid, he nodded slightly, “As you say, Captain.”

and although it seems unlikely that a sarge would do insult a captain, the scene is all about the frustration they are feeling and i wanted to show that frustration through the nature of the characters and the obvious boredom and stress they are feeling, hence not many of them acting professional.

as for the other thing, although each section has a central point of view i do wish to include other peoples feelings and thoughts aswell, most of which should be obvious to the person in question anyway. none of the writing is specific point of view anyway, by that i mean i dont try to write a richard morgan book, cause i just dont think im good enough.

as for punctuation, i know its my biggest failing, i was bloody terrible at it in school as regard it in speech though, i hope it doesnt affect it too much, but i always like green lines under speech

cheers for the speedy feedback, hopefully you are interested in reading more, i noticed something worrying in it myself which may need addressed though, many of my rewritten chapters are 15,000 words each. thats a ****load!!! maybe need to split them, well when i get the next few finished to a level i like hopefully some people can read them and tell me.

[drinksinbars]

dont know if thats a compliment or an accusation but i dont care ill take it as a compliment. i honestly 100% truth to whatever didnt associate it with fight club, but heh what ya gonna do???

[drinksinbars]

in the back history we will lkearn about harper, but would you give a great general an army after he rebelled for ten years against you??