[drinksinbars]

easaier said than done mate

so when are you gonna try your first rewrite? i suppose you need more than 4 chapters to warrant one but its something to look forward to down the line

[drinksinbars]

i only email out copies now, as the earlier stuff has changed so much. if you fancy a read i can email you it, just tell me your email and i will send a copy asap

[Iron Bars]

Just finished the chapters about Arthur and Snake. You sure have a lot of characters featuring in you book. Only thing I have is the kid Arthur has, could you give him a name or something. Its kinda weird to have him say boy or kid the whole time.

[drinksinbars]

no probs mate, you read it before, so although there are a lot of changes you shouldnt find to many surprises beyond the writing itself and the start.

got a dayoff today so will hoipefully get another chapter finished today

[drinksinbars]

it all floats about my head, plus i already wrote the story, this is the rewrite and so i can add in superfolous charcters with expansion oppurtunities for them later while maintaining the original core charatcers and story. the extra characters are there to add depth to the main bunch and to offer insights into the world and the struggle taking place. as i know how the story is going and what iu want to happen it isnt to hard. if the first time round i had been trying to juggle the cast i would hacve had lots of problems, but a character list helped that time round.

glad you're enjoying it.

[Yellow]

Chapters 7 & 8...

I'd just say that I thought these should be one chapter (8 is so small ), but it's not a big deal.

Not much to say really - the story is moving along nicely, I liked how Harper ends up the only one alive, and drunk to boot

At one point you refer to how Vasquez was "blown up". I don't like the term blown up, sounds a bit too informal or americanised for the narration.

The demon was quite a surprise - I was expecting something more like the balrog from LotR, but got something more like Lucifer. You put a lot of emphasis on his suit - I think it was mentioned 3 times, but it was never really described except to say it was grey and it was immaculate. So - if it's important enough to mention so often, I think you need to describe the look more... give a better feel for it. Otherwise, leave out some of the references to it I got what image you were trying to portray, but only from things I already have in my head, rather than the images you put in my head. Does that make sense?

Ok nothing else yet, but will read 9 fairly soon.

[Yellow]

quote:

Originally posted by Drinks in Bars:
i am using my characters without power as avatars for the reader to learn the rules and structures of the society i envisaged. anyone think this is a **** idea please tell me know so i can rtethink my strategy. dont wanna have to do another bloody rewrite like the last one

I don't see anything wrong with this idea, just make sure you pull it off (so to speak) and then you won't need a hefty re-write

[Cause]

Always intrested and happy to help. Its just you advised gamet to wait so I did the same and its harding reading a story twice for me so thought i would wait till it was all changed

[opiate taylor]

Where can I find the first chapter? I looked on the first page in this thread and no dice. I'd like to check it out. Let me know...

[Yellow]

Chapter 10...

Not much to say here, really.

I found the opening scene with all the logistics and tactics a little confusing. Is it all important? I came away knowing that the Council had tricked the League into thinking one of their regions was actually neutral, so they are going to surprise them there. But I can't remember anything else!

So, I'd say - if it's all important, you might need to go back to that and emphasise or clarify the details (don't ask me how lol), or else maybe tone down the detail on what isn't important?

That's about it. The plotting and intrigue continues...

[Iron Bars]

I've time to read again but I seem to have lost it. Can't find it in here so could you post the latest version again.

[Fist Gamet]

“…The elusive Captain was well liked by his squad for his ability to keep them alive, but he hadn’t worked his way to captaincy, obtaining it instead through his natural ability and an ancient edict about the Elite and their standing within the army. It wasn’t even this nepotism of a kind that bugged the general, instead it was Bourne’s refusal to push himself, he always seemed so damned aloof and complacent that it just plain irritated his peers and superiors who had worked hard for their posts.


This is what I mean by the God PoV and also sweetly illustrates the non-use of "show, don't tell". For me, I automatically ask "who is telling me (the reader) this stuff? How does he know all this? If it is no one character then it is just the writer (God) because he cannot find a way to get this information across other than simply telling me (this is just my thinking on the God PoV matter) which smacks me as lazy.

Does that make sense to you?

Thus, if you were to write a scene with an event involving Bourne that is witnessed by two of the characters then you can use "show, don't tell" and also a little dialogue to tell the reader the exact same thing about Bourne...but this way will be much slicker!

Got more to read so let me know.

[drinksinbars]

emailed everyone i think might be interested, with an updated version. its been through the grammar checker in office but that things worse than i am so sorry if it reads odd in places.

thats pretty much the entire first half, so any comments and suggesstions, good or bad, would be most welcome

[Yellow]

600 pages in Word is more than 600 in a novel, generally. 300K words is quite a lot for any novel...

[drinksinbars]

will email you as copy tomorrow when i get to work

[Yellow]

Chapter 6...

The first part of the chapter (the bit with Harper and the priest) is generally quite good - I think on the whole this flows well, and you have a good balance between the dialogue and the description - it gives the reader something to hold onto in their head, to place the scene properly and feel the flow of the drama.

There are two large chunks of monologue that I think need breaking up (on page 41 and also page 43). The priest is laying a lot of story on us too quickly - he doesn't come up for air in these two bits, and as a result the important plotting doesn't have the impact you need. Each part of his story just hits us too fast for us to be able to digest any of it.

The second part of the chapter is not so good, imo. The pace and balance that you set in the first part is undone here - I think the conversation between Harper and Baxter suffers too much from the stuff I mentioned above. I don't know how much you are intentionally giving away here about Harper, but I felt as though his admitions of his doubts should come later in the story. I suppose it depends where you go from here though.

I have a problem with the term "zombies". It might be just me, but I can't take it seriously - obviously these things are zombies, but I think it would be a good idea to come up with your own original term for them, because zombies make it seem like a crappy old B-movie. I don't mean your story is crappy, I just mean that's what this word reminds me of - it's probably not the kind of image you want to put in my head

One last thing here - I can't distinguish the League and the Council at all, really. Is this purposeful? I don't know if you want the reader to not know much about them here, but when one of them is mentioned I don't have anything to tell them apart, to know which is which.

Ok that's it for now...

[drinksinbars]

cheers for the comments. i mentioned the way each charatcers part was different, well i guess your in for a rought ride wait till you get to my other plots

chap 5 was originally chap two you see so the story REALLY jumped about originally, thankfully i decided on smaller chapters

what about this for that line

Looking down upon her Harper could see her eyes were but a full bodied blackness as deep as the night sky, reflecting his gaze with a swallowing emptiness.

+

The street gave way to a rude square perhaps fifty feet across with only four main avenues clearly visible to Harper.

btw how does the horror element work, the farmhouse section is new for the rewrite, baring my hideous grammar does the tension hold for a release?? does this actually work? you'll learn that this plot point of the town is quite important especially for katrina and harper so dont judge me too quick whats important to me at the mo is how it all comes off, if the fear and doubt is well realised and that i dont over dramatise like in early sections.

[Fist Gamet]

I got it in my email now so I will read it as soon as. I promise to avoid going over old ground and will look to be more constructive in other areas.

Keep it up, mate.

[Yellow]

First off: Seen the time of your post? 9.01 Hard at work, DiB?

So far, I'm liking the council stuff (though obviously I've only read the one chapter). I also liked the way Cassius does the water/barrier thing near the end - interesting show of power.

Personally, I love to write scenes like these (I don't know if you remember in my chapter 3 there is a scene with Pir and his generals discussing stuff at the dinner table - this just flowed onto the page in about half an hour )...

Pacing so far seems right, but I'll let you know as I go along.

The world seems interesting, at least from an idealistic pov. It's hard to say anything in detail, especially with the social structure, because I honestly don't think I know enough about it yet. I feel I'm only just starting to get to know people/storylines etc. It doesn't feel contrived yet, anyway

One thing that did strike as a bit odd was the command structure with the squad in the early chapters. It's been a while and my memory isn't perfect but I seem to remember the squad not feeling quite right. I think it was to do with the insubordination I mentioned in one of my earlier posts - they all lack respect for authority/command structure. I realise you mean for this, but I think you may overshoot it a bit.

A bit vague, sorry.

On the whole though it's good, and think as the chapters go on your writing relaxes a bit, which makes it flow quite well. I feel like I'm starting to get to the meat of the story more now.

You said your missus was going to do a proof-read for grammar at some point? I'd suggest that was sooner, rather than later. I mean no offence by that btw - I just think it would be best to get your re-writes closer to where you want them, to save you the time in the long run.

[drinksinbars]

no lots of good points as arthurs section has expanded alot since the first iteration with the introduction of his son and the expansion of harry and matilda's plot point, the reason for this though is that the story is about a society liek our own and its affected by these poeple and thier powers. the scale is intentionally small because i am trying to show a sort of imbalance in peoples lives becuase of these elite and these mages. its not like harry potter where the wizards hide from mortals, normal everyday people are ruled by these exceptional people and feel dwarfed by them. the cop story is a good way for me to show this because these are normal people and the justice system is affected not only by edicvts fromt he mage community, which they rebel against slightly, but by the network(who will be expanded upon). with the network we have a shadowy organistaion modelled on soemthing i dont want to mention but should be fairly obvious soon enough.

if you read a few more chapters the exceptionals crash into these people head on and we can see just how fragile the society is. then again later in the book, we get a good idea of how people cope.



i will look into matilda and harry's first scene, she is a kidn of impulsive character, and she might act sweetness and light but shes a tough wee cookie. ill trim down the monologues too as i dont like them myself but its hard not too right them as when you start typing it just feels like a good idea ot mention stuff constantly and before you know it theres three paragraphs that shouldnt be there i meant to remove those she said he said bull**** so ill get on it.

by chance are you reading the version split into parts??

the section with merlin, i do describe him

The man before him was a tall, gangly creature, dressed in faded and torn jeans with an old leather jacket and a tatty hooded top underneath. His face was cloaked in shadows and with the sun sinking low behind his head it made him seem almost a blank canvas before Arthur, yet Arthur had seen those features almost every weekend for the last few years and could pretty much describe every line on the face. The eyes would be sunken and caved from with drawl, black bags showing the lack of sleep and food. It was no small wonder that Merlin wore a hood; his face was a cracked parchment of broken skin, years of drug abuse stealing all health from him. The first time he had called to Arthur he had seemed almost fresh faced, only at the very edges of addiction; the years hadn’t been kind. Despite Arthur’s guess that he was only in his early twenties, the man before him looked positively ancient. Stick thin his clothes hung off him, the shoulders were slumped forward as if he slept curled up in a ball for most of his life. All and all he was a pitiful creature.


the reason arthiur thinks hes onyl twenty is mention ed in that wwhen he first came to visit he was a fresh faced youth. but in only two years his body has crumpled with the posion of drugs. did you want that bit expanded upon???