[Cause]

QuickTidal, on 01 March 2023 - 05:42 PM, said:

My mom's celebration of life/memorial is this Saturday. I'm not ready.

I hope your feeling okay today QT. Not an easy thing to lose a parent.

Hopefully celebrating her life brought you some solace.

[amphibian]

Cause, on 04 March 2023 - 09:01 PM, said:

I went on 3 dates with the same women over the last two weeks. I had thought things were going fairly well. The first and second date seemed to go very well, great conversation and they lasted for hours. When we left dinner on our second date she suggested we go to a bar afterwards and kept things going. The goodnight kiss felt very natural without any of my usual awkwardness of initiating that first kiss with a new person as I struggle to read people sometimes.

Then Despite how well things seemed to be going I noticed after date two the communication seemed different, weaker but she still agreed to date three. After date 3 communication nose dived off a cliff. One word response to a question and I knew things were over. Today she confirmed and just said she sees no long term future. I appreciate the message rather than being ghosted but I wont lie this one hurts and I am quite disappointed. Given how well things seemed to be going for date 1 and 2, we liked the same books, both loved dogs and I found her attractive I saw a lot of potential from my side.

I should learn to trust my instincts more. Before Date 3 I texted her to say 'excited for tonight, see you soon', TBH this text is really just a formality on my part as a way to remind and confirm the date. Maybe its a hold over from my professional life. When she texted back 'I am ready for some DimSum lol' I do remember thinking it was an odd reply though, almost an insult. I implied I was looking forward to seeing her and she seemed to be implying she was looking forward to eating. I actually spent a moment wondering if I was reading too much into it or not. The DimSum place it felt like rushed us out the door as they gave us the bill as soon as we were finished. She suggested we could go for ice cream. When she suggested after date 2 we got a bar she bought the round of drinks, which I appreciated. Dinner was obviously more expensive but its a small gesture that I think goes a long way. At the ice cream place I expected she was going to pay as well, but at the teller I waited a beat and noticed she didn't seem to be making a move at all and so I pulled out my card. I remember in that moment actually thinking that it was the final signal that there would be no date four. She no longer felt the need to make the small gesture. I than rationalized that I was being silly but now with the clarity of hindsight I think I read that signal very clearly.

_____________________________________________________________

This experience also kind of makes me think though. I matched with another women on Hinge recently, who seemed very attractive but she came off what felt like way too eager in just her first two messages and she kind of scared me off. I decided not to pursue it. It made me think of the kind of energy I give off when dating too. In this case I paid for the meals (I feel like this one even today is often dating etiquette) but I also made sure to find restaurants that were closer to her place than mine to accommodate her. I walked her home despite it being out of my way because its the right thing to do. I also message my dates when I get home, or the next day that I had a good time and hope to see them again soon if I thought the date went well. I know a lot of women who have told me they loved that and I have never ascribed to this absurd notion of waiting 3 days with zero contact but I just bring this all up because now I wondering how I come across. I try to not play games and be courteous, but does it read as desperation?

I often still think of dating as me having to win my date over. Its my job to prove myself. Don't get me wrong I have chosen not to pursue a relationship when I have not felt the connection or things are not working out for me but I think on the whole I go into a date with a mindset that starts with me having to be the one who steps up. Despite how well Dates 1 and 2 went there were signs of a lack of enthusiasm but no outright signs of rejection before date 3. Rather than confront that lack of enthusiasm

As someone getting back into dating now, keep in mind that many people out there are dating multiple people and sometimes the sparks fly, but it doesn't turn into a fire with you/me specifically.

The only thing we can control is what we do and how we come off to people. Coming off as too intense is hopefully a knob that can be turned down.

At the same time, learning the subtle difference between forcing it and a nice goose to things is really damn hard. The metaphorical tennis approach has helped me a bunch - sending over some stuff with spin, seeing what comes back, matching expectations with what's actually occuring rather than what we hope would happen.

The rest times in between contacts and dates is crucial. I think it's generally not a great sign when a person new to me doesn't let me rest or come to them in my own time after a good date. My thinking on this changed after my experience with my ex, who rapidly made me her Favorite Person (a common BPD situation), which involved her putting a ton of focus on me rather quickly and asking for that in return rather than a slow, steady merging of lives. I went along with it at the time because it felt exhilarating and I shouldn't have.

The synchrony of both people is really important. An eager person should be able to display some restraint, a hesitant person should feel enough trust and rapport to proceed etc.

Dating is hard. Kudos to you for getting out there and striking up sparks.

This post has been edited by amphibian: 05 March 2023 - 01:43 PM

[amphibian]

Cause, on 04 March 2023 - 09:12 PM, said:

QuickTidal, on 01 March 2023 - 05:42 PM, said:

My mom's celebration of life/memorial is this Saturday. I'm not ready.

I hope your feeling okay today QT. Not an easy thing to lose a parent.

Hopefully celebrating her life brought you some solace.

I hope the celebration of her life was alright for you, QT. Her life still resonates in this world.

[Mezla PigDog]

Cause - what I get from that dating message is now that you are reflecting on immediate first impressions may not represent reality, why don't you get back in touch with the lady who put you off? Maybe she's struggling to find the right balance too. Online dating is a numbers game - you've got to be in it to win it and don't be too judgemental in the same way you would hope dates don't overly judge you.

[QuickTidal]

Slow Ben, on 01 March 2023 - 09:58 PM, said:

Manly hugs QT.

Cause, on 04 March 2023 - 09:12 PM, said:

QuickTidal, on 01 March 2023 - 05:42 PM, said:

My mom's celebration of life/memorial is this Saturday. I'm not ready.

I hope your feeling okay today QT. Not an easy thing to lose a parent.

Hopefully celebrating her life brought you some solace.

amphibian, on 05 March 2023 - 03:14 AM, said:

Cause, on 04 March 2023 - 09:12 PM, said:

QuickTidal, on 01 March 2023 - 05:42 PM, said:

My mom's celebration of life/memorial is this Saturday. I'm not ready.

I hope your feeling okay today QT. Not an easy thing to lose a parent.

Hopefully celebrating her life brought you some solace.

I hope the celebration of her life was alright for you, QT. Her life still resonates in this world.

Thanks all for the support.

It went okay. I read my two book quotes (Tolkien's 'I Sit By The Fire and Think'; and Richard Adams "My heart has joined the Thousand, for my friend stopped running today' from Watership Down), and I cried as I read them but everyone said I did okay and got through it admirably. I was afraid I was blubbering. About 70 people showed up at my sisters house (thankfully she has room for this many) to celebrate her. It was nice to see people I've not seen in a long time and to spend time with my cousins and other family who I don't see very often. My sister said that mom would have LOVED that all of them were together and would loved to have been there. She loved tea, so we made little cricut paper envelopes to put a tea bag into for everyone to have a quiet cup of tea on their own and think of her. All the little ones including my kids all played together and that's another thing my mom would have loved.

[TheRetiredBridgeburner]

I'm glad it was overall positive for you QT. There's absolutely no shame in crying.

Also, as an aside - what beautiful quotes you chose. I've particularly loved the Watership Down one since I first heard it.

This post has been edited by TheRetiredBridgeburner: 06 March 2023 - 04:39 PM

[QuickTidal]

TheRetiredBridgeburner, on 06 March 2023 - 04:37 PM, said:

I'm glad it was overall positive for you QT. There's absolutely no shame in crying.

Also, as an aside - what beautiful quotes you chose. I've particularly loved the Watership Down one since I first heard it.

Thanks so much, yeah my mom read me stories when I was a kid and that kickstarted my lifelong love of reading so it felt only right to let a couple of my fave authors send her on her way.

[Maark Abbott]

Glad it was a good send-off, QT. Thoughts with you all right now.

[QuickTidal]

Close friend from my youth was diagnosed with a rare cancer and she was fighting it, but has now been placed in hospice care as the treatments were not working. Shit sucks. Fuck Cancer.

[Cause]

QuickTidal, on 07 March 2023 - 02:49 PM, said:

Close friend from my youth was diagnosed with a rare cancer and she was fighting it, but has now been placed in hospice care as the treatments were not working. Shit sucks. Fuck Cancer.

Fuck Cancer

[Maark Abbott]

The agency wife was getting work through phoned as she was on her way in and apparently the school cancelled her booking with immediate effect. As well as knocking her confidence it's stressing me out immensely as trying to bear up an entire household that's now running at about 45% of the annual income we're used to is nightmarishly hard, especially considering my salary is quite poor.

[Tsundoku]

Well that sucks. Did they say why?

[Gothos]

Maark Abbott, on 09 March 2023 - 08:23 AM, said:

The agency wife was getting work through phoned as she was on her way in and apparently the school cancelled her booking with immediate effect. As well as knocking her confidence it's stressing me out immensely as trying to bear up an entire household that's now running at about 45% of the annual income we're used to is nightmarishly hard, especially considering my salary is quite poor.

Harsh. How many rejections has it been now, how long since she was working last? Do you have any financial cushion?

[Maark Abbott]

Said it was due to not engaging with the children enough - which is a bit difficult at a SEN school after only five days of knowing them because each kid will take longer to get a feel for.

We're British working class, what is a 'financial cushion'? In seriousness we'll get by but it's another month of tins and bright yellow packaging.

She's looking into other stuff today but yeah this is pretty unpleasant news.

[worry]

I ain't saying anything you don't already know, but one week seems like an insanely short amount of time to assess something like that.

[champ]

QuickTidal, on 07 March 2023 - 02:49 PM, said:

Close friend from my youth was diagnosed with a rare cancer and she was fighting it, but has now been placed in hospice care as the treatments were not working. Shit sucks. Fuck Cancer.

Lady I've worked with for the last 10 years at two different companies just found out she has breast cancer, finds out today at what stage. Cruel world sometimes...

[Maark Abbott]

worry, on 09 March 2023 - 11:55 AM, said:

I ain't saying anything you don't already know, but one week seems like an insanely short amount of time to assess something like that.

Gig economy, either excel immediately or get yoten. Shit sucks. If it wasn't an agency job she'd probably have had a few months.

[QuickTidal]

champ, on 09 March 2023 - 11:57 AM, said:

QuickTidal, on 07 March 2023 - 02:49 PM, said:

Close friend from my youth was diagnosed with a rare cancer and she was fighting it, but has now been placed in hospice care as the treatments were not working. Shit sucks. Fuck Cancer.

Lady I've worked with for the last 10 years at two different companies just found out she has breast cancer, finds out today at what stage. Cruel world sometimes...

Man, I'm sorry to hear that. Cancer really does fucking suck. Hope she's able to best it.

[amphibian]

champ, on 09 March 2023 - 11:57 AM, said:

QuickTidal, on 07 March 2023 - 02:49 PM, said:

Close friend from my youth was diagnosed with a rare cancer and she was fighting it, but has now been placed in hospice care as the treatments were not working. Shit sucks. Fuck Cancer.

Lady I've worked with for the last 10 years at two different companies just found out she has breast cancer, finds out today at what stage. Cruel world sometimes...

I'm sorry that she had to find out in different sessions and will have to deal with this.

[amphibian]

Maark Abbott, on 09 March 2023 - 11:27 AM, said:

Said it was due to not engaging with the children enough - which is a bit difficult at a SEN school after only five days of knowing them because each kid will take longer to get a feel for.

We're British working class, what is a 'financial cushion'? In seriousness we'll get by but it's another month of tins and bright yellow packaging.

She's looking into other stuff today but yeah this is pretty unpleasant news.

It might be worth exploring further and gently what's happening at the schools because fine tuning the initial approach can really help. Hesitancy is maybe not the whole story.

Special education schools are usually hungry for people to fill the spots, so I'm sure she'll have another bite at the apple. Good luck to you.