[Gust Hubb]

She's back from her trip with her friends. Homecoming went ok: e.g. I wasn't visibly frustrated from having watched the kids for 2 days and was able to listen attentively to her stories without seeming jealous or frustrated. This is much better than I thought it would be in light of my aforementioned bitterness in not getting a vacation for myself in recent memory. So I feel accomplished in not ruining her trip before, during, and after with my own soup of emotions.

Still down though. Still feel under-appreciated (you know, would like larger verbal affirmation that I did a big solid for her), even if I recognize that under-appreciation may not be the case, that it may just be me and my feeling low.

And she is also still so volatile. I thought the vacation would give us a series of days that were chill, an emotional reset. But I mentioned something that triggered the memory (of her dead daughter) for her and now she is all hurt and distressed again. Just for background, the death occurred about 4 years ago and the trigger was my cleaning of the basement where all the stuff from her old apartment is. I am trying to clean it up and remove anything that may trigger her, but even just talking about it apparently can create a massive spiral...

So yeah. Waiting for those good days still.

This post has been edited by Gust Hubb: 10 July 2020 - 05:45 PM

[Lady Bliss]

Gust Hubb, on 10 July 2020 - 05:42 PM, said:

She's back from her trip with her friends. Homecoming went ok: e.g. I wasn't visibly frustrated from having watched the kids for 2 days and was able to listen attentively to her stories without seeming jealous or frustrated. This is much better than I thought it would be in light of my aforementioned bitterness in not getting a vacation for myself in recent memory. So I feel accomplished in not ruining her trip before, during, and after with my own soup of emotions.

Still down though. Still feel under-appreciated (you know, would like larger verbal affirmation that I did a big solid for her), even if I recognize that under-appreciation may not be the case, that it may just be me and my feeling low.

And she is also still so volatile. I thought the vacation would give us a series of days that were chill, an emotional reset. But I mentioned something that triggered the memory (of her dead daughter) for her and now she is all hurt and distressed again. Just for background, the death occurred about 4 years ago and the trigger was my cleaning of the basement where all the stuff from her old apartment is. I am trying to clean it up and remove anything that may trigger her, but even just talking about it apparently can create a massive spiral...

So yeah. Waiting for those good days still.

I remember your telling me about what she had been through. The truth is that it will probably take years and therapy to get to a place where she can cope... *hugs*. You are being a good husband, but please don’t take it all on yourself.

[Mentalist]

Not a Sheep, on 10 July 2020 - 06:18 PM, said:

Gotta just luv those summer time heat index/waves right? Wrong it’s 1:18 pm at 92F with an index of 104F. It’s only getting hotter till 6 pm to.

Having lived in Winnipeg for 3 winters I foreswore ever complaining about heat ever again.

Give me all the sun.

This post has been edited by Mentalist: 10 July 2020 - 10:43 PM

[Gust Hubb]

Winding my way down deeper into depression. It is funny how something that can impact your life in both providing the greatest happiness you have known in adulthood and also bringing you down into the roughest days of your life. I am right now imbibing just to knock the edge off of the feelings.

I really just want it to stop, the pain. I want to go through more than a day, or a half day, without feeling angry, bitter, sad, hurt, depressed, or jealous. I want to stop having to cater to the ups and downs of a mate who loves me but still hurts me so much. Who is hypocritical in her own behaviors, doing the opposite of what she tells the rest of the family to do: get a counselor, clean up after your messes, keep your rooms clean, let me wake up in peace, etc. The double standards are probably one of my biggest issues, and the resentment is growing exponentially, checked only by weak-willed guilt and shame.

I feel trapped. I love my step children very much. And my wife is so good with my blood children. We have a house that for the first time since childhood feels like home. Memories hang from the walls and carry the promise of better days before.

I want to be more than a supporting role in her story. But no career aspirations yet. Just treading water in an ok town in a shitty state and country. No friends in-town to hang with. Covid has it all locked down. And have to be home to watch over the kids, limited to her schedule (can't leave the kids alone at home). And when she is home, she is asleep most of the time and grumpy when she wakes up.

Anyway, beginning to ramble. Thank you my mostly invisible internet friends. You do make a big difference for me.

[Slow Ben]

Hey Gust, im asking this having almost no knowledge of your situation.

Have you tried having a conversation with her about your feelings? Constantly repressing those feelings can make it so much worse in the long run. You've got to talk to her man.


Are you still in St. Louis?

[Malankazooie]

It's been hotter then a witch's tit on Tuscaloosa asphalt.

Wait, witches' tits are cold though, right? Let me switch it up.

It's been hotter then Lucifer's unwashed taint on Tuscaloosa asphalt.

Really though, it's been stupid, miserable hot. Fuck this.

[Gust Hubb]

Slow Ben, on 11 July 2020 - 05:21 AM, said:

Hey Gust, im asking this having almost no knowledge of your situation.

Have you tried having a conversation with her about your feelings? Constantly repressing those feelings can make it so much worse in the long run. You've got to talk to her man.


Are you still in St. Louis?

[Gust Hubb]

Slow Ben, on 11 July 2020 - 05:21 AM, said:

Hey Gust, im asking this having almost no knowledge of your situation.

Have you tried having a conversation with her about your feelings? Constantly repressing those feelings can make it so much worse in the long run. You've got to talk to her man.


Are you still in St. Louis?

Funny you should ask that. I do express my feelings as I can (usually have to wait either for an appropriate moment or rarely it just boils over), but like so much else, it is based on her availability, which is limited. I did last night saying:

"I felt hurt today. I went up to nap, you asked why and I said not feeling well. And that was all you asked.

I sorry something made your day less than ideal. Maybe we can talk about that too sometime.

Hope your night goes well"

Her reply:

"I love you. I can't always handle your upset on top of mine and today was a day that I couldn't"

I just don't even know what to do with this. I am currently damming up a surge of fury and hurt and haven't replied spitefully. I just said we needed to talk. But damn. Even when I feel awful or am in a fight I listen. And sometimes I defuse my own emotions to help when I realize her need is greater.
I did this just a week ago when she disappeared with her friends after saying she was coming home and then caveating with "but first I need to do this" or "change of plans" type texts. In the middle of expressing my frustration I learned she lost time and couldn't remember things and instantly converted to listening and comforting her. What does it mean that she can't even check on me...


Edit: real time conversation is getting worse. I am trying to be Civil and saying let's talk about it when you get home, not over text. Because if I start typing out what I actually feel, I think I will regret it.

This post has been edited by Gust Hubb: 11 July 2020 - 11:54 AM

[Gust Hubb]

And I finally said something I regretted. Fuck my life.

[amphibian]

I think both of you feel really crappy and need things. You decided to seek another job and assumed child care duties. You feel pressure to do things. She is the one working now and seems to be run down by her job or something bc sleeping all the time isn't a good sign. She likely feels pressure too.

Neither of you are communicating well about what is going on with you. You want more connection with her, but saying it like "You didn't ask why I don't feel well" didn't create that connection.

You two have to make time to really talk about what's going on with each of you, listening to the other, and figuring out how both of you get the support and connections you need. I'd say it's something that needs to happen regularly too.

[Traveller]

amphibian, on 11 July 2020 - 01:49 PM, said:

I think both of you feel really crappy and need things. You decided to seek another job and assumed child care duties. You feel pressure to do things. She is the one working now and seems to be run down by her job or something bc sleeping all the time isn't a good sign. She likely feels pressure too.

Neither of you are communicating well about what is going on with you. You want more connection with her, but saying it like "You didn't ask why I don't feel well" didn't create that connection.

You two have to make time to really talk about what's going on with each of you, listening to the other, and figuring out how both of you get the support and connections you need. I'd say it's something that needs to happen regularly too.

Its so easy to say though... and sometimes it's the hardest thing. Me and my wife have some big fallouts this year, a lot of which is mainly due to a lack of communication, which had lead to false assumptions and a lot of misunderstanding.

Now things are sort of stable.. the thought of now bringing up what caused it, and suggesting solutions (like anti depressants) or any other sort of help, feels like walking up to a landmine and giving it a good ol' stamp, to see if its live.

We're both fairly introverted - so actually confronting stuff head on doesn't often happen. People who speak freely about everything cant see how that works and are often quick to say 'just talk' but it's just not always that easy.

[Gust Hubb]

Traveller, on 11 July 2020 - 07:15 PM, said:

amphibian, on 11 July 2020 - 01:49 PM, said:

I think both of you feel really crappy and need things. You decided to seek another job and assumed child care duties. You feel pressure to do things. She is the one working now and seems to be run down by her job or something bc sleeping all the time isn't a good sign. She likely feels pressure too.

Neither of you are communicating well about what is going on with you. You want more connection with her, but saying it like "You didn't ask why I don't feel well" didn't create that connection.

You two have to make time to really talk about what's going on with each of you, listening to the other, and figuring out how both of you get the support and connections you need. I'd say it's something that needs to happen regularly too.

Its so easy to say though... and sometimes it's the hardest thing. Me and my wife have some big fallouts this year, a lot of which is mainly due to a lack of communication, which had lead to false assumptions and a lot of misunderstanding.

Now things are sort of stable.. the thought of now bringing up what caused it, and suggesting solutions (like anti depressants) or any other sort of help, feels like walking up to a landmine and giving it a good ol' stamp, to see if its live.

We're both fairly introverted - so actually confronting stuff head on doesn't often happen. People who speak freely about everything cant see how that works and are often quick to say 'just talk' but it's just not always that easy.

You have really good points Amp, and I generally agree with communication being the overriding need in health for relationships. But Traveller is also right. Communication is not always easy. My wife is constantly busy, working 12-13 hour shifts overnight as a paramedic (which in these times is pretty damn busy). She comes home tired and wakes up poorly (because she is not a "morning person"). Between waking up and work, she has about 1-3 hours before she is back out the door, and in that time, she is usually waking up, doing hair, watching CNN, etc, in anticipation of the next night.

On top of this, she has severe PTSD from losing both a kid and ex-husband to tragic deaths, and is variably in states of psychosis depending on the time of year and what triggers her. She doesn't have a counselor, so this all comes out without professional help, and she rarely tells me when she is in the midst of seeing her dead husband or listening to the cries of her 2 month old child. Or the nightmares, which come in waves as well.

Talking to her is a balancing act. Most of the time it is guessing timing poorly and getting snarky bite backs or condescension for asking her to put away her own laundry (which I have sorted and folded) or helping clean the house by taking care of our bathroom. Eventually, like this morning, I explode, and enumerate all the frustrations, hurt, angers, etc. And she, with equal if not greater eloquence, fights back, and with a much higher threshold for guilt, inevitably wins or shuts me out with the silent treatment. So today, I probably can expect no resolution, she will come down from her day sleep, get ready for work, provide some perfunctory "I love you" with kiss, and that will be it.

Amp, I completely agree and strive for talking things out (even have suggested couples counseling). Cynically, the world and relationships don't seem to follow logic or reasonableness, and you get stuck in whatever hell you stumble upon, trapped as long as you are willing to lock yourself in whatever toxic pit you have fell into.

[Tsundoku]

How are the kids?

[Gust Hubb]

Kids are actually really good. My kids are bonding more and more with my step-daughters, and we all have had some really good days together (I play lots of board games with the kids and doing small teaching sessions like math with some of them). The girls miss their mom. My wife also short with the kids a lot, which I kind of get because they don't read the room. But overall, the kids seem to get what they need here for the most part and see happy and well-adjusted.

[Mezla PigDog]

Gust - I have no advice. What your wife has been through sounds awful and having to work long stressful shifts too. The world is not in a good place as it is. Could you get counselling for just yourself? Supporting someone through this is a tough ask in itself, you need a crutch too.

My other half never talks. He's such a bloke, it drives me nuts. He doesn't even remotely notice the cues that I drop when I need emotional support. I have to literally spell it out. I read an agony aunt column and she's always saying "You need to find a non-blaming way to tell your partner how you feel". I guess she means getting your feelings out where without making it sound like you are accusing them of causing the problem. Which is very hard because all one of us has to say is "I'm tired" and the other hears "You aren't pulling your weight around here". Relationships be crazy, especially in Corona-world.

[Cyphon]

Mezla PigDog, on 12 July 2020 - 05:11 AM, said:

I guess she means getting your feelings out where without making it sound like you are accusing them of causing the problem. Which is very hard because all one of us has to say is "I'm tired" and the other hears "You aren't pulling your weight around here". Relationships be crazy, especially in Corona-world.

Seconded. This is like our relationship. Exacerbated by 4mo... we still have that issue of an observation taken as judgement on the other. At least we're both conscious about it and so can sort it out.

[Gust Hubb]

Cyphon, on 12 July 2020 - 09:11 AM, said:

Mezla PigDog, on 12 July 2020 - 05:11 AM, said:

I guess she means getting your feelings out where without making it sound like you are accusing them of causing the problem. Which is very hard because all one of us has to say is "I'm tired" and the other hears "You aren't pulling your weight around here". Relationships be crazy, especially in Corona-world.

Seconded. This is like our relationship. Exacerbated by 4mo... we still have that issue of an observation taken as judgement on the other. At least we're both conscious about it and so can sort it out.

Both good advice. And thank you. I try (and usually fail) to use "I" statements as opposed to "You" statements, the former focusing on a perception of one's own state and the latter sounding more accusatory and putting emphasis on the other.

Yeah, I have had counseling (was actually having it as part of medical leave from work when I finally snapped and went into deep depression). And the counselor generally had good advice that I tried out (including "why don't you guys set aside time every so often to talk," "you should try couples counseling," "she probably needs a counselor"); but, in the end, it takes two to make it work. Couples counseling has received scoffing incredulity, counseling for her met reluctance and avoidance, and serious talk time is nigh impossible to schedule when she is so busy (or asleep all the time) and her moods are highly unpredictable (let alone something I say setting her off).

Right now, things are in painful limbo where she gives hugs or I hold her in bed when she comes home (and the last two mornings she has cried herself to sleep with me gently rubbing her back). Basically no words are spoken. She chatted a little about work over text last night. I drank all yesterday which helped and considering a little tipsiness today to get me through.

I have decided to wait her out on this. I have said so much already via text, after the initial attempt at "I feel hurt" was responded to with "I can't always handle your upset on top of mine and today was a day that I couldn't." I find it painfully ironic how now, while I am even more hurt and in pain I am still holding her while she cries and physically comforting her with a back rub and shoulder pillow.

I think that is the core that needs to be broached. Because I get she cannot listen to my litany of grievances when she herself is under siege from her own upset, but ignoring a statement of "I am not feeling well" entirely, after asking after me in the first place is the problem. There are small gestures, including just saying "I can't help right now, sorry," that are miles away from ignoring the other hurting spouse. Just as I have done for her the past two mornings holding her while she cries (happily, because I love her dearly).

So I am just going to wait. Wait for her to bring up our argument and begin the talk to mend the rift. Because I feel like in the past, I am the one who pushes through her "we don't need to discuss anything" clauses to get to the problem being avoided. This time it needs to come from her. And I still have plenty of alcohol to pass my days while waiting. Maybe I am being stupid. I guess we will see. If this silence lasts too long I will bring things up, because I miss her so much already.



Edit: She talked with me before work. Reconciliation for now it seems. I emphasized the need for her to communicate more and how this year has been extremely difficult. Emphasized I am here for her, but that I am running out of reserves and am much less able to cope with sudden turns of fortune. She said she thinks the spark in me has died. I think I see what she means, and mentioned I think it is the spark with her, not necessarily all my spark (which grows I think in caring for my kids). Anyway, cautiously optimistic, but again, only time will tell.

Thank you for all your care and advice, especially for someone you only know through text not in person. Still amazes me such a thing can be.

This post has been edited by Gust Hubb: 12 July 2020 - 11:53 PM

[RACHEL]

My two cents. This sounds terrible and I wish you well but, I don't think its going to work and you should pull the plug on your relationship. You obviously have dealt with and are dealing with depression which I understand is a demanding issue to deal with. Your wife is also dealing with many issues as well. Until she gets help you two are never going to work. You have fallen into a depression where you are emotionally needy and using alcohol to deal with it. You have sought help but she has not. SHE IS NOT AND WILL NOT EVER BE THERE FOR YOU IN THE WAY THAT YOU NEED HER TO BE UNLESS SHE GETS HELP. Of course everything seems fine when you are in good mental health because you are strong enough then to deal with her ups and downs, hypocritical behavior, and inability to be emotionally there for you. If your mental health is for any reason not tip top then dealing with her many needs is too much and it sinks you further into depression. Even people with excellent mental health can be worn down by a person like your wife. She is emotionally unavailable, only capable of making sure her needs are met, incapable of providing emotional support for another person, refuses to get help, always plays the victim, always plays the card that she has had it worse so she wins every argument, I'm sure I could go on and I'm also sure these statements are totally true. NO ONE should be in a relationship where they always have to be the strong one, always have to put their feelings and needs aside because the other persons needs and feelings are bigger or more important or more justifiable. It is time for an ultimatum SHE GETS HELP OR YOU WALK. Now I want to add this before anyone lashes out at me. I know my post is very harsh and it is meant to be. If the way I am reading the situation is correct then this lady is an emotional leech who will not change and will slowly wear Gust into a deeper depression, alcoholic haze or worse. I am not saying that she is to blame for her mental health. She has obviously dealt with some horrible things that no one would deal with well. I feel sorry for her, but she is refusing to see that she has a problem, ignoring her partners needs, and nothing is getting solved. Hopefully I am reading way to much into a couple angry posts and things are much better than my pessimistic view. I hope both parties receive the counseling and help they need and are able to make it work together. But Gust, if my view is correct or mostly correct then you need to get out. You have kids and no person is worth you sacrificing your mental health.

[amphibian]

Connection between two long term partners requires constant tending. That spark requires figuring out how to reach through the pain + exhaustion of this incredibly tough time and it takes sensitivity plus a willingness to be vulnerable.

None of this is easy or you both would have done it.

My thought is to try and schedule something akin to a date night where there's no childcare responsibilities, no cooking or house chores to do, no phones, and both of you can focus on each other. Start small with this and work your way up to something bigger.

An example of small - going to a farm stand to get corn, tomatoes, onions etc for a BBQ meal later. That's not energy intensive, is over soon, and gives you alone time to talk a bit if that's right. I did this with my partner yesterday and it helped.

Stressors like work, child care, money are tough things to deal with in better times and half the planet is in a near nightmare. You are not alone. Neither is she. Keep trying to communicate. Remember that you love her and she loves you, even if it's hard to feel like that all the time. Listen to what she is saying, try your best to reflect it back to her while not getting hurt too much, and connect to what she's feeling rather than offering solutions or cutting her off. She needs to do the same for you - although maybe you both should not try to do it all at once simultaneously.

[Cause]

I paid HR block to file my taxes. I wanted to log in to IRS and create and account and confirm everything was okay, HR block filed my taxes under the wrong SSN!!!

Now I have to rush like a mad man tomorrow and try get them to fix it!!!