This made me chuckle.
https://www.facebook...997492420294122
How to be Australian. (I will translate)
be Australian
>alarm goes off at 6.30am
>still wearing hivis from yesterde (still wearing high visibility vest from the previous day's work)
>three different Prime Ministers have come and gone overnight (a recent unfortunate tendency for Prime Ministers to not last a full term of Parliament - 3 years - and be usurped from within their own Party)
>fourth one is about to be sworn in
>make brekky (make breakfast)
>bite into strawberry
>cop a sewing needle through the roof of the mouth ( a recent high profile news story about needles being put into strawberries, causing widespread concern and plummeting strawberry sales. Needles are now being found in other fruit in copycat incidents. Annoying)
>can't feel it because still pissed from the fifteen cans of Emu Export last night (cannot feel because still rather drunk from 15 cans of a rather crap beer last night)
>drive to site
>Fooeys are playing on Triple M, fucken grouse (The Foo Fighters are playing on the nationally syndicated rock radio station, this is pleasing)
>bite into a meat pie at lunch (yum!)
>full of sewing needles and redback spiders (Redback spiders have a fearsome reputation but generally will only make you sick, not kill you. Unless you're old, young, or sick already)
>drop pie and make apprentice pick it all up (good old workplace bastardisation, a hot topic for years)
>knock off at 2 (cease work at 2pm)
>straight to bottleo (go to the liquor store, pronounced "Bottle-oh", with no pause)
>block of bushchook and a pouch of white ox (a 24 or 30 can cardboard box of Emu - hence "bush chook (=chicken)" Export beer and a pouch of rolling tobacco)
>open pouch to roll a smoke
>full of sewing needles and blue ring octopuses (a fairly nasty venomous octopus. Mostly won't kill you, but the venom will probably make you beg for death. Not as bad as the irukandji jellyfish though. Or stone fish. Or dozens of other nasties)
>get stung and stabbed multiple times
>she'll be right mate (Things will be fine, my friend. Nothing to worry about)
>crack tinnie (open can of beer)
>turn on telly
>another leadership spill means a fifth Prime Minister is being sworn in
>NSW government has just banned nightclubs, festivals, alcohol, cars, walking, sneezing, and the concept of joy (nanny state tendencies from the New South wales state govt. Started with reducing opening hours for licensed premises in the central area of Sydney and rolled on from there. In response to late night alcohol fuelled violence)
>absolute bloody outrage this is (how annoying)
>walk back into kitchen and open fridge
>full of sewing needles and a great white shark (self explanatory)
>get eaten
>it's me RDO tomorra so she'll be right (I have a Rostered Day Off tomorrow, so nothing to worry about)
"Fortune favors the bold, though statistics favor the cautious." - Indomitable Courteous (Icy) Fist, The Palace Job - Patrick Weekes
"Well well well ... if it ain't The Invisible C**t." - Billy Butcher, The Boys
"I have strong views about not tempting providence and, as a wise man once said, the difference between luck and a wheelbarrow is, luck doesn’t work if you push it." - Colonel Orhan, Sixteen Ways to Defend a Walled City - KJ Parker