Help
and some more
Did you hear Lassie had a son with a Rottweiler?
It rips off your arm, then runs for help.
What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
Beat it! We're closed...
Q. What's the brown stuff between the elephants toes ?
A. Slow natives.
This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her
he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a
tooth." The woman then says with anticipated agony, "Ooooohhhh, I'd rather
have a baby!" To which the dentist replies: "Well make up your mind. I
have to adjust the chair."
A big 300 pound, seven foot brute of a man walked into a bar one
evening and said to the bartender "Give everyone a drink except
that gay guy over there"
About fifteen minutes later he gives the same order, "Give everyone
a drink except that gay guy over there"
The gay guy asks the bartender for two ice cubes. The bartender
asks why, and the gay guy says "I am going to put one in each cheek,
go over there, and cold-cock that big sonofabitch!"
Why did the chicken cross the road?
BILL CLINTON:
Let me say this one more time.
I did not have sexual relations with that chicken.
The Joke thread :p
#782
Raraku 
- Fist
-
- Group: (COPPA) Users Awaiting Moderatio
- Posts: 246
- Joined: 18-July 07
- Location:India
Posted 11 May 2008 - 02:45 AM
Some more
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father,
I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know
how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you
are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know,
I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots
whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in
the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots
to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying
that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman
responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's
house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were
inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out
in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?"
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked
over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away,
Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
Charlie was in a bar and three babes came up and started hitting on
him. He asked if they
wanted to come over to his house later. They agreed to come over at
after they went home
and got ready. Charlie had a friend who worked in a drugstore, so he
went to see him. He
asked his friend if he had anything that would keep him hard all night
long. The man
laughed and handed him a bottle of pills instructing him not to take
more than one. Once at
home, Charlie figured with three women he should take three pills, so
he gulped them
down. The next day Charlie showed up at the drugstore to see his
friend. Asking for some
liniment, he showed him his dick which was ripped to shreds. In
disbelief, his friend asked
if he was sure that he wanted to put liniment on his dick. Charlie
replied "No,I need it for
my arms the women never showed up!"
What is the definition of ultimate rejection?
Your hand falling asleep while masturbating.
In 1993, the University of Kentucky did a study to see why the head of
a man's penis was
larger than the shaft. After one year and $ 80,000.00, they concluded
that the reason the
head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure
during sex.
After the study was published, the University of South Carolina
decided to do their own
study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that
the reason was to
give the woman more pleasure during sex.
The University of Georgia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted
their own study.
After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was
to keep a man's
hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little
boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa,
I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too
wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair
spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then
he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and
runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and
hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."
The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
+------------------------------------------------------------------------
On their first night together, the newly weds decided to set up signals
concerning their "urges".
The lady said "If you want it, squeeze my BOOB once, if you don't want it,
squeeze my BOOB twice."
The gent said "OK, if you want it, pull my DONG once, if you don't want it,
pull my DONG 48 times."
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father,
I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know
how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you
are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know,
I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots
whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in
the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots
to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying
that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman
responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's
house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were
inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out
in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?"
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked
over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away,
Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
Charlie was in a bar and three babes came up and started hitting on
him. He asked if they
wanted to come over to his house later. They agreed to come over at
after they went home
and got ready. Charlie had a friend who worked in a drugstore, so he
went to see him. He
asked his friend if he had anything that would keep him hard all night
long. The man
laughed and handed him a bottle of pills instructing him not to take
more than one. Once at
home, Charlie figured with three women he should take three pills, so
he gulped them
down. The next day Charlie showed up at the drugstore to see his
friend. Asking for some
liniment, he showed him his dick which was ripped to shreds. In
disbelief, his friend asked
if he was sure that he wanted to put liniment on his dick. Charlie
replied "No,I need it for
my arms the women never showed up!"
What is the definition of ultimate rejection?
Your hand falling asleep while masturbating.
In 1993, the University of Kentucky did a study to see why the head of
a man's penis was
larger than the shaft. After one year and $ 80,000.00, they concluded
that the reason the
head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure
during sex.
After the study was published, the University of South Carolina
decided to do their own
study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that
the reason was to
give the woman more pleasure during sex.
The University of Georgia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted
their own study.
After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was
to keep a man's
hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little
boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa,
I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too
wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair
spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then
he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and
runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and
hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."
The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
+------------------------------------------------------------------------
On their first night together, the newly weds decided to set up signals
concerning their "urges".
The lady said "If you want it, squeeze my BOOB once, if you don't want it,
squeeze my BOOB twice."
The gent said "OK, if you want it, pull my DONG once, if you don't want it,
pull my DONG 48 times."
#783
Sparkimus
- afternoon delight
-
- Group: Malaz Regular
- Posts: 711
- Joined: 29-December 07
- Location:Clearwater, FL
Posted 11 May 2008 - 03:09 AM
Don't know if this one is already on here, not much in the mood to read through 50+ pages.
A chicken was walking through a field on the outskirts of his farm. He came across a pool of quicksand and saw one of the horses sinking.
Thinking fast, he ran back to the barn as fast as he could and stole the farmer's BMW. He got back to the horse and drug it out of the quicksand.
'Holy shit chicken! You saved my life!' says the horse. From that day on the chicken and horse are best friends.
Some time later the horse is walking by the spot where he met his good friend chicken and sees that his best friend is stuck in that very same spot.
'Holy shit chicken! Hang on a sec and I'll get you outta there.'
The horse walks to the edge and strattles the pool, letting his wang dangle.
'Grab on buddy, I'll pull you to safety!"
The chicken does just that, and the two of them go on being the best of friends.
The moral of this heartwarming story is that when you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
A chicken was walking through a field on the outskirts of his farm. He came across a pool of quicksand and saw one of the horses sinking.
Thinking fast, he ran back to the barn as fast as he could and stole the farmer's BMW. He got back to the horse and drug it out of the quicksand.
'Holy shit chicken! You saved my life!' says the horse. From that day on the chicken and horse are best friends.
Some time later the horse is walking by the spot where he met his good friend chicken and sees that his best friend is stuck in that very same spot.
'Holy shit chicken! Hang on a sec and I'll get you outta there.'
The horse walks to the edge and strattles the pool, letting his wang dangle.
'Grab on buddy, I'll pull you to safety!"
The chicken does just that, and the two of them go on being the best of friends.
The moral of this heartwarming story is that when you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
QUOTE (Stalker @ Jan 23 2009, 01:09 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
So last night I was walking downtown for some pizza at like 1am with some friends of mine,
and someone said, "I'm so hungry I could eat a whole pizza."
I said, "I bet I could eat 100 pizzas," and no one understood me. I was sad.
and someone said, "I'm so hungry I could eat a whole pizza."
I said, "I bet I could eat 100 pizzas," and no one understood me. I was sad.
#784
Raraku
- Fist
-
- Group: (COPPA) Users Awaiting Moderatio
- Posts: 246
- Joined: 18-July 07
- Location:India
Posted 11 May 2008 - 04:15 PM
and some more
"Will the father be present during the birth?"
asked the obstetrician.
"Nah," replied the mother-to-be,
"He and my husband don't get along."
A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so
they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source
of income.
The husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed her he
would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or
problems.
A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all
the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to
ask her husband. The husband told her to tell the client $100. She
went back and informed the client at which he cried, "That was too
much!"
He then asked, "How much for a handjob?" She asked him to wait a
minute and ran to ask her husband how much.
The husband said "Ask for $40". The woman ran back and informed the
client.
He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants
and underwear. Upon the removal of his clothing the woman noticed that
the man was really well hung.
She asked him once more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner
again at which her husband asked, "Now what?"
The wife replied, "Can I borrow $60?"
A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning.
His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He's laying
in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart.
His wife wakes up and asks, "What the hell was that?"
He replies, "Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing."
She thinks to herself "I'm gonna fix him." Then she lets one loose.
He yells at her, "What was that?"
She replies "Touchdown, tie score."
Now he thinks, "I'm gonna fix her." He's laying there for about 10
minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he shits in bed.
The wife asks, "Now what the hell was that?"
He replied, "Half time, switch sides."
During an Army war game, a commanding officer's
jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men
lounging around nearby and asked them to help
him get unstuck.
"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've
been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't
contribute in any way."
The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a
couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them
under the wheels to give us some traction."
Did you know Sex is a crime?
Its a misdemeanor - The more I miss de meaner I get..
Kid: Teacher can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: You have to say your ABC's first Kid: Ok, a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i,j,k,l,m,n,o,q,r,s,t,u, v,w.x.y, and z Teacher: Where's the p?
Kid: It's running down my leg!!
"Will the father be present during the birth?"
asked the obstetrician.
"Nah," replied the mother-to-be,
"He and my husband don't get along."
A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so
they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source
of income.
The husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed her he
would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or
problems.
A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all
the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to
ask her husband. The husband told her to tell the client $100. She
went back and informed the client at which he cried, "That was too
much!"
He then asked, "How much for a handjob?" She asked him to wait a
minute and ran to ask her husband how much.
The husband said "Ask for $40". The woman ran back and informed the
client.
He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants
and underwear. Upon the removal of his clothing the woman noticed that
the man was really well hung.
She asked him once more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner
again at which her husband asked, "Now what?"
The wife replied, "Can I borrow $60?"
A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning.
His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He's laying
in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart.
His wife wakes up and asks, "What the hell was that?"
He replies, "Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing."
She thinks to herself "I'm gonna fix him." Then she lets one loose.
He yells at her, "What was that?"
She replies "Touchdown, tie score."
Now he thinks, "I'm gonna fix her." He's laying there for about 10
minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he shits in bed.
The wife asks, "Now what the hell was that?"
He replied, "Half time, switch sides."
During an Army war game, a commanding officer's
jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men
lounging around nearby and asked them to help
him get unstuck.
"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've
been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't
contribute in any way."
The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a
couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them
under the wheels to give us some traction."
Did you know Sex is a crime?
Its a misdemeanor - The more I miss de meaner I get..
Kid: Teacher can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: You have to say your ABC's first Kid: Ok, a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i,j,k,l,m,n,o,q,r,s,t,u, v,w.x.y, and z Teacher: Where's the p?
Kid: It's running down my leg!!
#785
Flawed
- Flawed
-
- Group: Team Handsome
- Posts: 1,323
- Joined: 04-April 07
- Location:Dorset
- Interests:winning the lotto
- Id like some peace....
Posted 11 May 2008 - 07:42 PM
Ahem....
Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering. "What's wrong, Mr. President?" the Vice President inquires. "Nothing at all, I just completed a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" beams the President. "How long did it take you?" "Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years'
but I did it in a month!"
Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering. "What's wrong, Mr. President?" the Vice President inquires. "Nothing at all, I just completed a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" beams the President. "How long did it take you?" "Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years'
but I did it in a month!"
"I think i was a bad person before. Before this time. I do not try to be good now but i am not bad. Perhaps if i try harder i may get a better hand dealt next time? But surely that makes it pointless? Perhaps i am good. Just good at being pointless. But that would make me bad. Bad at having a point. Ah…. I see now. I was nothing before, I am nothing now. I am bad purely because im pointless. "
EQ 10
EQ 10
#787
The Tyrant Lizard
- First Sword
-
- Group: Malaz Regular
- Posts: 639
- Joined: 27-January 07
Posted 13 May 2008 - 07:14 PM
a few 'your mum' jokes that made me laugh.
Your mum's so old Gengis Khan is in her wedding photos.
Your mum's so stupid she went in the shower and got brain washed.
Your mum's so fat she puts her belt on with a boomerang.
You mum's so fat she walked out in front of my car and I ran our of petrol trying to avoid her.
Your mum's so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck.
Your mum's so stupid she threw a stone at the floor and missed.
Your mum's so ugly when she cries the tears go up her forehead to stay away from her face.
And I saw your mum coming out of Ofam with a balaclava on her head.
Apoligies for a series of very old jokes.
Your mum's so old Gengis Khan is in her wedding photos.
Your mum's so stupid she went in the shower and got brain washed.
Your mum's so fat she puts her belt on with a boomerang.
You mum's so fat she walked out in front of my car and I ran our of petrol trying to avoid her.
Your mum's so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck.
Your mum's so stupid she threw a stone at the floor and missed.
Your mum's so ugly when she cries the tears go up her forehead to stay away from her face.
And I saw your mum coming out of Ofam with a balaclava on her head.
Apoligies for a series of very old jokes.
I want to die the way my dad died, peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
#788
Tiste Simeon
- Faith, Heavy Metal & Bacon
-
- Group: Malaz Regular
- Posts: 12,311
- Joined: 08-October 04
- Location:T'North
Posted 13 May 2008 - 07:17 PM
Continuing the theme, from the Robot Chicken Star Wars Special.
Your mum is so ugly, Jabba the Hut went "DYANG!!!!"
Your mum is so ugly, she put the Ug into Ugnaught!
Your mum is so stupid, she spent all day saying "Am Not!" to R2!
Your mum is so stupid, she thought Jar Jar came with Pickles Pickles!
Your mum is so stupid, she went to Bangkok to get a TIE fighter!!
And the one that lost...
Your mum is so stupid that she took a light saber because it was better for her... because it was like a normal one, but light, because its got less calories... that's how stupid your mum is...
Your mum is so ugly, Jabba the Hut went "DYANG!!!!"
Your mum is so ugly, she put the Ug into Ugnaught!
Your mum is so stupid, she spent all day saying "Am Not!" to R2!
Your mum is so stupid, she thought Jar Jar came with Pickles Pickles!
Your mum is so stupid, she went to Bangkok to get a TIE fighter!!
And the one that lost...
Your mum is so stupid that she took a light saber because it was better for her... because it was like a normal one, but light, because its got less calories... that's how stupid your mum is...
A Haunting Poem
I Scream
You Scream
We all Scream
For I Scream.
I Scream
You Scream
We all Scream
For I Scream.
#789
Flawed
- Flawed
-
- Group: Team Handsome
- Posts: 1,323
- Joined: 04-April 07
- Location:Dorset
- Interests:winning the lotto
- Id like some peace....
Posted 14 May 2008 - 06:20 PM
Ahem........
The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush. They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America." President Bush says, "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do." The Saudi whispers, "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek." President Bush laughs and leans toward the Saudi and whispers back,
"It's because it takes place in the future"
The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush. They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America." President Bush says, "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do." The Saudi whispers, "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek." President Bush laughs and leans toward the Saudi and whispers back,
"It's because it takes place in the future"
"I think i was a bad person before. Before this time. I do not try to be good now but i am not bad. Perhaps if i try harder i may get a better hand dealt next time? But surely that makes it pointless? Perhaps i am good. Just good at being pointless. But that would make me bad. Bad at having a point. Ah…. I see now. I was nothing before, I am nothing now. I am bad purely because im pointless. "
EQ 10
EQ 10
#790
Whiskeyjackoff
- Recruit
-
- Group: Malaz Regular
- Posts: 10
- Joined: 08-October 07
Posted 15 May 2008 - 04:01 PM
There's an English man, an Irish man, and a Scottish man, the Scottish man thought Rangers were going to win the Uefa Cup...
#791
Raraku
- Fist
-
- Group: (COPPA) Users Awaiting Moderatio
- Posts: 246
- Joined: 18-July 07
- Location:India
Posted 15 May 2008 - 04:41 PM
and some more
This guy and a blonde are making out feverishly in the front seat of
his car. After an hour or so, he whispers in her ear, "Do you want
to move to the back seat?"
She replies, "NO!" Flabbergasted, he says, "Why Not?"
To which she replies, "Well, I want to stay up here with you. It'd
be lonely back there!"
These two women went out for a night on the town and got just totally
sloshed. At the end of the evening they decided to take a short cut
through a cow pasture after being unable to find a ride home. They became
lost so split up to try and find the road home. One of the lushes doubled
back only to stumble on the other flat on her back sucking on, and playing
with a cow's udders. Her friend screamed "what are you doing"? the other
lush says "shut up, with all these guys here someone'll drive us home".
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Listen," he says to the
bartender. "If i show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, is
my beer on the house?" "We'll See," says the bartender. So the guy
pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the
bar,
and the hamster begins to play. "Impressive," says the bartender, "but
i'll need to see more." "Hold on," says the man. He then pulls out a
bullfrog, and it sings "Old Man River." A patron jups up from mhis
table and shouts "Thats's Absolutely incredible! I'll give you $100
right now for the frog." "Sold," says the guy. The patron takes the
bullfrog and leaves. "It's none of my business," says the bartender,
"but you just gave away a fortune." "Not really," says the guy. "The
hamster is also a ventriloquist."
Waxing eloquent on the sins of the flesh, the dynamic
young preacher raised himself to full height, leaned over
the pulpit and boomed,
"Brothers and sisters, if there are any among you who have
committed adultery, may your tongue cleave to the woof of
your mouf!"
An army private went to see the Medical Captain for a new pair of glasses. The Captain looked in his book of record and said, "But you just got a new pair last month!"
"Yes sir, b.. b.. but I got them b..broken in an accident,"
stammered the private.
"Accident, what kind of an accident?" The Captain looked in his book of Accident definitions and glossaries, "Road-march accident, Firing Range accident, PT accident, Drill accident?"
"No, no nothing of those..." said the private.
"Well then, what is it?"
"I'd rather not tell you sir..."
"Well, no satisfactory explanations, no new glasses," said the medical officer, ready to stand up, "I've to see my patients now."
"No, no sir wait, I broke them when I was kissing my girl,"
blurted the private.
"Don't be daft man, how could you break your glasses kissing a girl?"
"You see, she crossed her legs....."
This guy and a blonde are making out feverishly in the front seat of
his car. After an hour or so, he whispers in her ear, "Do you want
to move to the back seat?"
She replies, "NO!" Flabbergasted, he says, "Why Not?"
To which she replies, "Well, I want to stay up here with you. It'd
be lonely back there!"
These two women went out for a night on the town and got just totally
sloshed. At the end of the evening they decided to take a short cut
through a cow pasture after being unable to find a ride home. They became
lost so split up to try and find the road home. One of the lushes doubled
back only to stumble on the other flat on her back sucking on, and playing
with a cow's udders. Her friend screamed "what are you doing"? the other
lush says "shut up, with all these guys here someone'll drive us home".
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Listen," he says to the
bartender. "If i show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, is
my beer on the house?" "We'll See," says the bartender. So the guy
pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the
bar,
and the hamster begins to play. "Impressive," says the bartender, "but
i'll need to see more." "Hold on," says the man. He then pulls out a
bullfrog, and it sings "Old Man River." A patron jups up from mhis
table and shouts "Thats's Absolutely incredible! I'll give you $100
right now for the frog." "Sold," says the guy. The patron takes the
bullfrog and leaves. "It's none of my business," says the bartender,
"but you just gave away a fortune." "Not really," says the guy. "The
hamster is also a ventriloquist."
Waxing eloquent on the sins of the flesh, the dynamic
young preacher raised himself to full height, leaned over
the pulpit and boomed,
"Brothers and sisters, if there are any among you who have
committed adultery, may your tongue cleave to the woof of
your mouf!"
An army private went to see the Medical Captain for a new pair of glasses. The Captain looked in his book of record and said, "But you just got a new pair last month!"
"Yes sir, b.. b.. but I got them b..broken in an accident,"
stammered the private.
"Accident, what kind of an accident?" The Captain looked in his book of Accident definitions and glossaries, "Road-march accident, Firing Range accident, PT accident, Drill accident?"
"No, no nothing of those..." said the private.
"Well then, what is it?"
"I'd rather not tell you sir..."
"Well, no satisfactory explanations, no new glasses," said the medical officer, ready to stand up, "I've to see my patients now."
"No, no sir wait, I broke them when I was kissing my girl,"
blurted the private.
"Don't be daft man, how could you break your glasses kissing a girl?"
"You see, she crossed her legs....."
#792
Shurque's biatch
- High Fist
-
- Group: LHTEC
- Posts: 321
- Joined: 24-August 06
Posted 15 May 2008 - 05:26 PM
don't know and don't care if these are for real, still funny:
New York City Report Cards
These are actual comments made on students’ report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded, but boy, are these funny!
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
New York City Report Cards
These are actual comments made on students’ report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded, but boy, are these funny!
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
"Piss on Hood!" ~Roach
#793
Flawed
- Flawed
-
- Group: Team Handsome
- Posts: 1,323
- Joined: 04-April 07
- Location:Dorset
- Interests:winning the lotto
- Id like some peace....
Posted 16 May 2008 - 03:05 PM
Ahem......
Q: How much does a Grand Piano cost?
A: ÂŁ1,000.
Q: Why did the computer need a jacket?
A: It kept freezing.
Q: Why did the elephants at the circus go on strike?
A: They were tired of working for peanuts.
Q: What kind of reptile tells time?
A: A clock-odile.
Q: Why is it so hard to fool a snake?
A: Because you can't pull it's leg.
Q: What do you call a woman with a sinking ship on her head?
A: Mandy Lifeboats
Q: What does an envelope say when you lick it?
A: Nothing, it just shuts up.
Q: What is a reptile's favourite movie?
A: The Lizard of Oz.
Q: What magazine do cats like to read?
A: Good Mousekeeping.
Q: What's big, red and eats rocks?
A: A big, red rockeater.
Q: What '60s music can kill germs?
A: The Bleach Boys.
-----
"Have you ever seen a man-eating tiger?"
"No, but in the cafe next door I saw a man eating chicken!"
-----
Q: How much does a Grand Piano cost?
A: ÂŁ1,000.
Q: Why did the computer need a jacket?
A: It kept freezing.
Q: Why did the elephants at the circus go on strike?
A: They were tired of working for peanuts.
Q: What kind of reptile tells time?
A: A clock-odile.
Q: Why is it so hard to fool a snake?
A: Because you can't pull it's leg.
Q: What do you call a woman with a sinking ship on her head?
A: Mandy Lifeboats
Q: What does an envelope say when you lick it?
A: Nothing, it just shuts up.
Q: What is a reptile's favourite movie?
A: The Lizard of Oz.
Q: What magazine do cats like to read?
A: Good Mousekeeping.
Q: What's big, red and eats rocks?
A: A big, red rockeater.
Q: What '60s music can kill germs?
A: The Bleach Boys.
-----
"Have you ever seen a man-eating tiger?"
"No, but in the cafe next door I saw a man eating chicken!"
-----
"I think i was a bad person before. Before this time. I do not try to be good now but i am not bad. Perhaps if i try harder i may get a better hand dealt next time? But surely that makes it pointless? Perhaps i am good. Just good at being pointless. But that would make me bad. Bad at having a point. Ah…. I see now. I was nothing before, I am nothing now. I am bad purely because im pointless. "
EQ 10
EQ 10
#794
Raraku
- Fist
-
- Group: (COPPA) Users Awaiting Moderatio
- Posts: 246
- Joined: 18-July 07
- Location:India
Posted 17 May 2008 - 05:24 AM
and some more
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and
good-looking?
A: Because they already have boyfriends!
Good News, Bad News, Worse News IV
Good:
Your son's finally maturing
Bad:
He's involved with the woman next door
Worse:
So are you
"Johnny, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little
boy while holding out her hand. "My dog ate it," was his solemn response.
"Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me
to believe that?" "It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted Johnny. "I
had to force him, but he ate it!"
Judi and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends.
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Judi: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
Judi: (looking shocked) Oh, you mean with one guy.
What does a camera and a condom have in common?
They both capture that magic moment.
Why is it estimated that only 99 percent of all people masterbate?
The other 1% were either taking the poll or answering the door!
Cause its my 100th post, feel free to rep at will (hehe)
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and
good-looking?
A: Because they already have boyfriends!
Good News, Bad News, Worse News IV
Good:
Your son's finally maturing
Bad:
He's involved with the woman next door
Worse:
So are you
"Johnny, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little
boy while holding out her hand. "My dog ate it," was his solemn response.
"Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me
to believe that?" "It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted Johnny. "I
had to force him, but he ate it!"
Judi and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends.
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Judi: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
Judi: (looking shocked) Oh, you mean with one guy.
What does a camera and a condom have in common?
They both capture that magic moment.
Why is it estimated that only 99 percent of all people masterbate?
The other 1% were either taking the poll or answering the door!
Cause its my 100th post, feel free to rep at will (hehe)
#795
Tiste Simeon
- Faith, Heavy Metal & Bacon
-
- Group: Malaz Regular
- Posts: 12,311
- Joined: 08-October 04
- Location:T'North
Posted 17 May 2008 - 09:42 AM
I would rep but I have done so too many times in the last day. 
A Haunting Poem
I Scream
You Scream
We all Scream
For I Scream.
I Scream
You Scream
We all Scream
For I Scream.
#797
Raraku
- Fist
-
- Group: (COPPA) Users Awaiting Moderatio
- Posts: 246
- Joined: 18-July 07
- Location:India
Posted 18 May 2008 - 08:29 AM
and some more
The young lady entered the doctor's office carrying an infant. "Doctor,"
she explained, "the baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he
lost three ounces this week." The medic examined the child and then
started to squeeze the girl's breasts. He then unbuttoned her blouse,
removed the bra and began powerfully sucking on one nipple. "Young lady,"
he finally announced, "no wonder the baby is losing weight, you haven't
any milk!" "Of course not!" she shrieked. "It's not my child, it's my
sister's!"
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie,
each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales
begins.
The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why,
just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men
before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."
The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking
down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a
rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit
its head off, and sucked the venom down in one gulp. And I'm still here
today."
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his
penis.
How do you know when you have a serious overbite?
When beaver starts tasting like shit.
McAteer arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered about the terminal with
tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was
already homesick.
"No," replied McAteer. "I've lost all me luggage!" "How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out," said the Irishman.
What is It?
Bush has a short one. Gorbachev has a long one.
Maddona does not have one. And a priest does not
use his. What is it?
A Last name
THE LAND OF OZ Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich, and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car together in the Midwest, when suddenly a tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. When they come down and pull themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the land of OZ. Naturally, they decide to go to see the Wizard of OZ. Says Quayle, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain." Says Gingrich, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart." Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?"
The young lady entered the doctor's office carrying an infant. "Doctor,"
she explained, "the baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he
lost three ounces this week." The medic examined the child and then
started to squeeze the girl's breasts. He then unbuttoned her blouse,
removed the bra and began powerfully sucking on one nipple. "Young lady,"
he finally announced, "no wonder the baby is losing weight, you haven't
any milk!" "Of course not!" she shrieked. "It's not my child, it's my
sister's!"
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie,
each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales
begins.
The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why,
just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men
before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."
The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking
down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a
rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit
its head off, and sucked the venom down in one gulp. And I'm still here
today."
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his
penis.
How do you know when you have a serious overbite?
When beaver starts tasting like shit.
McAteer arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered about the terminal with
tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was
already homesick.
"No," replied McAteer. "I've lost all me luggage!" "How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out," said the Irishman.
What is It?
Bush has a short one. Gorbachev has a long one.
Maddona does not have one. And a priest does not
use his. What is it?
A Last name
THE LAND OF OZ Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich, and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car together in the Midwest, when suddenly a tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. When they come down and pull themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the land of OZ. Naturally, they decide to go to see the Wizard of OZ. Says Quayle, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain." Says Gingrich, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart." Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?"
#798
Raraku
- Fist
-
- Group: (COPPA) Users Awaiting Moderatio
- Posts: 246
- Joined: 18-July 07
- Location:India
Posted 19 May 2008 - 03:20 PM
and some more
Magnussen goes to a marriage counselor and says, "My wife isn't as much
fun as she used to be."
The marriage counselor says, "Do you still enjoy a roll in the hay?"
Magnussen says, "As much as the next fellow."
The counselor says, "Maybe between you and the next fellow, she's
exhausted."
What do you get when you cross a Rooster with an owl?
A Cock that can stay up all night!!
Two drunks sitting at the rural area bar, lamenting their lack of a sex
life. One looks out the window, and across the road is a sheep stuck half
way thru a fence, with its butt facing the tavern. One drunk says he sure
wishes that sheep were Marilyn Monroe. The other says, "I just wish it
were dark."
The medical student was asked four reasons why mother's
milk was better for babies than cow's milk.
This is the answer he submitted:
1. It's fresher.
2. It's cleaner.
3. The cats can't get to it.
4. It's easier to take on a picnic.
He also added: "It comes in such cute containers."
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father..." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the Goddamn gun...'"
Magnussen goes to a marriage counselor and says, "My wife isn't as much
fun as she used to be."
The marriage counselor says, "Do you still enjoy a roll in the hay?"
Magnussen says, "As much as the next fellow."
The counselor says, "Maybe between you and the next fellow, she's
exhausted."
What do you get when you cross a Rooster with an owl?
A Cock that can stay up all night!!
Two drunks sitting at the rural area bar, lamenting their lack of a sex
life. One looks out the window, and across the road is a sheep stuck half
way thru a fence, with its butt facing the tavern. One drunk says he sure
wishes that sheep were Marilyn Monroe. The other says, "I just wish it
were dark."
The medical student was asked four reasons why mother's
milk was better for babies than cow's milk.
This is the answer he submitted:
1. It's fresher.
2. It's cleaner.
3. The cats can't get to it.
4. It's easier to take on a picnic.
He also added: "It comes in such cute containers."
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father..." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the Goddamn gun...'"
#799
Raraku
- Fist
-
- Group: (COPPA) Users Awaiting Moderatio
- Posts: 246
- Joined: 18-July 07
- Location:India
Posted 21 May 2008 - 08:44 AM
and some more
The doctor looked benignly at the woman who had come to him for an
examination.
"Mrs. Brown," he said, "I have some good news for you."
The woman said, "I'm glad of that doctor, but I'm Miss Brown,"
"Miss Brown," said the doctor without changing expression, "I have bad
news for you."
An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his
options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have 3 possible
donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in an
automobile accident, the 2nd is a middle-aged businessman
who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet.
The 3rd is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30
years. Which do you want?"
"I'll take the lawyer's heart", said the patient.
After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why
he had chosen the donor he did. "It was easy", said the
patient, "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."
"Three Men And A Baby"........What you get when four men go fishing and
one comes back after having caught nothing.
During World War II, Hitler told his Nazis to rape as may French women as
they could then say, "In nine months you will have a baby. Name it Adolf.
Heil Hitler!" So a young Nazi soldier, eager to do his duty, dutifully
went out and raped a pretty young French girl. He said, "In nine months
you will have a baby. Name it Adolf. Heil Hitler!" She replied, "In a few
weeks you will have a disease. Name it syphillis. Vive la France!"
What do you get with a corduroy condom?
A groovy kind of love.
The doctor looked benignly at the woman who had come to him for an
examination.
"Mrs. Brown," he said, "I have some good news for you."
The woman said, "I'm glad of that doctor, but I'm Miss Brown,"
"Miss Brown," said the doctor without changing expression, "I have bad
news for you."
An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his
options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have 3 possible
donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in an
automobile accident, the 2nd is a middle-aged businessman
who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet.
The 3rd is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30
years. Which do you want?"
"I'll take the lawyer's heart", said the patient.
After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why
he had chosen the donor he did. "It was easy", said the
patient, "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."
"Three Men And A Baby"........What you get when four men go fishing and
one comes back after having caught nothing.
During World War II, Hitler told his Nazis to rape as may French women as
they could then say, "In nine months you will have a baby. Name it Adolf.
Heil Hitler!" So a young Nazi soldier, eager to do his duty, dutifully
went out and raped a pretty young French girl. He said, "In nine months
you will have a baby. Name it Adolf. Heil Hitler!" She replied, "In a few
weeks you will have a disease. Name it syphillis. Vive la France!"
What do you get with a corduroy condom?
A groovy kind of love.
#800
Raraku
- Fist
-
- Group: (COPPA) Users Awaiting Moderatio
- Posts: 246
- Joined: 18-July 07
- Location:India
Posted 21 May 2008 - 05:12 PM
The doctor looked benignly at the woman who had come to him for an
examination.
"Mrs. Brown," he said, "I have some good news for you."
The woman said, "I'm glad of that doctor, but I'm Miss Brown,"
"Miss Brown," said the doctor without changing expression, "I have bad
news for you."
He thinks that she looks old and guesses that she s married
But as she s not ..........................
examination.
"Mrs. Brown," he said, "I have some good news for you."
The woman said, "I'm glad of that doctor, but I'm Miss Brown,"
"Miss Brown," said the doctor without changing expression, "I have bad
news for you."
He thinks that she looks old and guesses that she s married
But as she s not ..........................
