[Flawed]

sorry - how about..............ahem!

School 1960 vs. School 2007
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1960 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.

2007 - Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.


Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1960 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.


Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him the slipper.

1960 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.


Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school .

1960 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.

2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.


Scenario: Mohammed fails high school English.

1960 - Mohammed retakes his exam, passes and goes to college.

2007 - Mohammed's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Mohammed is given his qualification anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.


Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1960 - Ants die.

2007 - MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpertrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.


Scenario: Johnny falls during break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1960 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.

[Lancelot]

Ahem....Didnt know where to put this, hey ho. Cant sack me and cant make me pregnant.

WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ

(Passing requires 4 correct answers)


1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) >From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?





Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.

Check your answers below .



























ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert

8) What colour is a purple finch? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)

[lokiman]

I got number 4 right!

[cauthon]

BTW, cat gut is off limits these days, since fear of it passing on some prions could give people mad cow disease (Cruzfelt-Jacob).

[bubba]

I was off on number one by one year.....115 damn.....didn't have a clue on the rest

[Flawed]

Ahem!!!!

Q: What did the toothbrush want to be when it grew up?
A: A broom.

Q: What type of storm is always in a rush?
A: A hurry cain.

Q: How did the telephone propose to the lady?
A: It gave her a ring.

Q: What pet does everyone have?
A: An armpet.

Q: Why did the man with only one hand cross the road?
A: To get to the second-hand shop.

Q: What is a cannibal's favourite game?
A: Swallow my leader.

Q: What did the farmer use to count his cattle?
A: A cowculator.

-----

Two eggs were sitting on a kitchen table. One of them spots a whisk and asks, "What's that?"
The other egg looks puzzled and replies, "Beats me."

-----

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him, "My dogs cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?"

"Let's have a look at him," said the vet. He picked the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes. "Well," he said, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"Just because he's cross-eyed?" asked the man.

"No, because he's heavy," said the vet.

-----

Two little piggies walk into a bar, get drunk and ask the bartender, "Where's the bathroom?" The bartender points to the door and they rush in.

Two more little piggies walk into a bar. They soon get drunk and they ask, "Where's the bathroom?" The bartender again points to the door and they both rush in.

One little piggy walks into a bar. He gets drunk out of his mind and then heads for the exit. "Hey, buddy! Do you wanna know where the bathroom is?" says the bartender. "No thanks," the piggy slurs, "I always go WEE WEE WEE WEE WEE all the way home!"

.
.
.
.
Ducks and covers!

[Menandore]

This might be worse than even Flawed's terrible jokes.....

A man, his son, and a dog walk into a bar.

"Ow!"

"Ow!"

"Woof!"

[Flawed]

I have to say Menadore that is one of the funniest jokes i have heard in a long time. Nice one..........................

.......Ahem!....

Q: On which side does a chicken have the most feathers?
A: The outside.

Q: How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed?
A: Your nose touches the ceiling.

Q: David's father has three sons: Snap, Crackle and _____ ?
A: David.

Q: A cowboy rode to an inn on Friday. He stayed two nights and left on Friday. How could that be?
A: His horse was called Friday.

Q: Why did the boy put lipstick on his head?
A: He wanted to make up his mind.

Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a watch?
A: It got ticks!

-----

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

-----

Su Wong married Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely Caucasian, white baby boy. "Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. "Well, Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?"

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong."

-----

Two Mexicans have been lost in the desert for weeks. At death's door, they see a tree in the distance. As they get nearer, they see that it's draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon: smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy bacon, all sorts of bacon.

"Hey, Pepe" says the first Mexican, "ees a bacon tree! We're saved!!" So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree. As he gets to within five feet, he's gunned down in a hail of bullets. His friend drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?

With his last breath Pepe calls out, "Ugh, run, amigo, run, ees not a bacon tree, ees a ham bush"

[Flawed]

AHEM!................

Q: Which cat would you never play poker with?
A: A cheetah.

Q: Why did the child cross the park?
A: To get to the other slide.

Q: Why doesn't Dracula have any friends?
A: He's a pain in the neck!

Q: What did the man say when the church burnt down?
A: Holy Smoke!

Q: Why can't eggs be told jokes?
A: Because they'll crack up.

-----

A man met a Dutch girl at a bar. He noticed she was wearing inflatable shoes and so got talking to her. They had such a lovely time that they arranged to meet again the following week. So, the next week the man called her to arrange a time to meet and her mother answered the phone. He explained why he was calling and asked to speak to the girl.

Her mother replied, "I'm sorry, that's not possible." "Why not?" he asked.

"She's popped her clogs."

-----

One day a little old lady was sat in her living room, watching the telly, when there was a knock on the door. When she opened it, there was a very smartly dressed young man on the doorstep. He asked, "Can I come into your house and look at how you clean your carpets?"

"Great," thought the little old lady, "that's all I need - a Je-hoover's Witness!"

[Flawed]

Ahem!............

Q: What has wheels and flies?
A: A rubbish truck!

Q: What gives you the power to walk through walls?
A: A door.

Q: Why was the cucumber mad?
A: Because it was in a pickle.

Q: What room has no walls?
A: A mushroom!

Q: How does the biologist like to communicate?
A: With his cell phone.

Q: What's green and sings?
A: Elvis Parsley.

-----

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves."

-----

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. He notices the man sitting next to him is looking into a box. After a while, his curiosity gets the best of him, so he leans over and looks into the box. Inside is a miniature man playing a miniature piano. "... that's amazing, where did you get it?", he asked. His barmate answers, "This is my wish. There's a genie out back in the alley and he is granting wishes."

The guy finds this hard to believe, so he walks out back to the alley, and to his surprise, there is a genie. The genie asks him what he would like to have for a wish, and the guy answers, "I would like to have a million bucks!" Then suddenly, there are a million ducks flying around his head, quacking and flapping their wings.

He goes back into the bar and says to the barmate, "That's a poor excuse of a genie! I asked for a million bucks and he gave me a million DUCKS!" His barmate turns away from the box he's looking into and replies, "I guess you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

[Grumble]

Q: Why did the Mexican push his wife over the cliff

A: Tequila

[Obdigore]

So, Little Johnny hears a noise from his parents' bedroom, and opens the door a crack. He sees his dad giving it good to his mom from behind. His dad sees him, winks and grins, and Little Johnny shuts the door and walks away.

About a week later, Little Johnnys' dad hears a noise from his sons room, opens the door a crack, and sees Little Johnny giving it to his grandma from behind.

Little Johnnys' Dad yells, 'Little Johnny, what are you doing!'
Little Johnny replies, 'Not so funny when its your mom, is it!'

[Coco with marshmallows]

Imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms AND kept the same tagline..

Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better

Tesco Condoms - every little helps

Nike Condoms - Just do it.

Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life.

Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.

KFC Condoms - Finger Licking good.

Minstrels Condoms - melt in your mouth, not in your hands.

Safeway condoms - Lightening the load.

Abbey National condoms - because life is complicated enough.

Halifax Condoms - Always Giving You Extra

Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.

Ever Ready condoms - keep going and going.

Pringles condoms - once you pop, you can't stop

Burger king condoms - Home of the whopper

Goodyear condoms - "for a longer ride go wide"

Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain.

Royal Mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.

Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long

Renault condoms - size really does matter!

Flash condoms - just sit back, relax and let flash do all the hard
work

Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim!!!

Heineken condoms - reaches parts that others just cannot reach

Carlsberg condoms - probably the best in the world

Mars condoms - pleasure you can't measure

AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service

Pepperami condoms - its a bit of an animal

L'oreal condoms - because your worth it!

Mr muscle condoms - love the jobs you hate

and finally....

Polo condoms - the one with the hole!!! (VERY poor seller!!!)

[Grumble]

Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing -- assume the brace position immediately!"

Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face. Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to friggin' crash!"

Claudia responds: "I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces -- which is why I am putting on my make-up."

Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!"

Cindy responds: "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts -- which is why I am exposing my tits!"

Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her love triangle." Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: "Naomi -- Are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see?"

Calmly, Naomi responds: "BITCHES PLEASE! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!"

[Bent]

The AFLAC Scam


Watch out for this scam. Police say that the gang usually is comprised of four members, one adult and three younger ones.

While the three younger ones, all appearing sweet and innocent, divert their "mark" (or intended target) with a show of friendliness, the fourth -- the eldest -- sneaks in from behind the person's back to expertly rifle through his or her pockets and purses or bags for any valuables being
carried.

The picture below shows the gang in operation.

[Flawed]

The Green shoe one is particuarly genius like....

Ahem........



Q: What did the dirt say when it started to rain?
A: If this keeps up, my name will be mud.

Q: Why did Cinderella get chucked out of the netball team?
A: She kept running away from the ball.

Q: Why do roosters never get rich?
A: They work for chicken feed.

Q: If you threw a green shoe into the red sea, what would it become?
A: Wet.

Q: How can you tell if a woman's wearing tights?
A: Her ankles swell when she farts.

Q: Why do cows like being told jokes?
A: They like to be amoosed.

-----

Game Warden: Are you fishing out here?
Man Without License: No sir, just drowning worms.

-----

Down the street his funeral goes
As sobs and wails diminish
He died from drinking creosote
But he had a lovely finish

-----

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help."

He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her bottom. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own.

The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick manoeuvre always works."

[Lancelot]

True story

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio the other day and you'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you got to love this!!!!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.


Genius:lachen70:

[Flawed]

An old one but there you go.............

Ahem..............!

The Brazilian football team were on a world tour. Their travel's had brought them to England where they would be playing the coming weekend.

All the players were a little tired and world weary from flying from one place to another and were feeling a little dejected....

" Look Guys ", Said Ronaldo. " I know your all tired. I am too, but i tell you what. You all go out tonight on the razzle. Live it up a bit. Have a few beers and chill out. Ill play England on my own and that's that! "

Well the other players thanked him and couldn't believe their luck or his confidence. They were a little dubious but they wanted the night out more.

So the day of the game came round and sure enough out went the Brazilian team on a Bender of massive proportions. They were having a great time when one player piped up....

" HEY! " he bellowed over the bar room noise whilst doing a, a typical samba " Lets see how Ronaldo is doing!! "

So they get the manager to put the TV on to look at the score and to their amazement its says.

Brazil 1 England 0 - 40 mins gone.

Well they cant believe it! Ronaldo is beating the entire England team on his own. 1 man against 11. Its amazing, a miracle. So they party harder and salute to his bravery.

Later on they tune in again and cannot believe their eyes!

Brazil 1 England 1 - Full time.

AMAZING they cry and all rush back to the stadium to congratulate Ronaldo.

So they turn up at the stadium to find Ronaldo in the changing room with his head in his hands looking thoroughly dejected and miserable.

They all clammer round him, patting his back and telling him of their joy and amazement at his feat. He has single handedly got a draw against an entire team. Amazing!

But Ronaldo still looks well upset and is practically cry's..... " i let you down! "

They cannot believe what he is saying,........ " what's up then ? " .....one of the players asks him......... " Why are you so upset? "

" Well, " ........said Ronaldo, ...................." I got sent off at half time "

[Skywalker]

What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Twelve beers.

[Lancelot]

New Words for 2008

* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a
project failed, and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and
Then leaves.

* ASSMOSIS.
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by
sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get
screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and
people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also
applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

* SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn
into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home
with the kids or start a 'home business'.

* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it
to work again.

* ADMINISPHERE.
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and
file. Decisions that fall from the 'adminisphere' are often profoundly
inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to
solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded 'administrivia' - needless
paperwork and processes.

* 404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message '404 Not
Found' meaning that the requested document could not be located.

* AUSSIE KISS.
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just
made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who
works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges
displaying stars that staff at fast-food rest au rants often wear to show
their level of training.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from
the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo!
Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so
the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake
up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your
bed instead.

* BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise
At 3:00am .

* BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze
cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how
you got here, and where you've come from.

* BREAKING THE SEAL.
Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After
breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be
required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* TRAMP STAMP
Tattoo on a female

* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's
got 4 buttocks