[Binder of Demons]

A London lawyer travelling through Dublin runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense!!
Irish Garda says," License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Irish Garda replies, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Irish Garda says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Irish Garda says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between "slow down" and "stop", I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Irish Garda says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Irish Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the f**k out of the lawyer with it and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?

[Binder of Demons]

A penguin is taking a road trip when his car suddenly breaks down. Luckily for him, he finds himself just down the street from a mechanic. So, he pushes his car to the shop and asks the mechanic to take a look. The mechanic tells him that it will probably take a little while to find the problem and asks him to come back in an hour.

The penguin goes over to the supermarket, buys some frozen fish sticks and some vanilla ice cream for lunch, and spends the rest of the hour hanging out in the frozen foods section.

After the hour is up, he waddles over to the mechanic's shop. Seeing him come in, the mechanic walks over, and wiping his hands on a rag, says, "Looks like you've blown a seal."

The penguin blushes, wipes his beak with his flipper and says, "No, it's just vanilla ice cream."

[Lancelot]

Q:Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?

A: A Carrot


Q:Which famous film star said "got to run, i need to catch a plane"?

A:King Kong


Q:What have rocks and women have in common??

A:Men always skip the flat ones.

[Flawed]

Englishman, Scottishman, and an Irishman. They were all in the pub talking about their family. Englishman says ' My son was born on St George's day day we called him George' Scottishman replies 'what a coincidence, my son was born on St Andrew's day so we called him Andrew.

Irishman says ' F#cking hell, wait till I tell pancake'

[q21]

These come from an old high school magazine I found under my bed.

Some common teacher profiles:
If you get in my way, I will kill you! - Ideal teacher
If you get in my way, you will kill me! - Somewhat less than ideal teacher
If I get in my way, I will kill you! - Somewhat misguided teacher
If I get in your way, I will kill you! - Tough teacher (eats glass, cats etc)
If get kill in will way I you! - Dyslexic, functionally illiterate teacher
If we get in each others' way, who will get killed? - Utterly confused teacher


Interesting questions
If knees were backwards what would chairs look like?
If a tortoise looses its shell, is it naked or homeless?
Why are people who "need no introduction" always introduced?
What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why does sour cream have an expiration date?

University fianls from hell
Medicine:
You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have fiften minutes.

Sociology:
Estimate the sociological problems that might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

Engineering:
The disassembled parts of a igh powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in swahili. In ten minutes, a hungry Bengal tiger will be admited to the room. Take whatever action you feel is appropriate. Be prepared to justify you decision.

Music:
Write a piano concerto. You will find a piano under your seat.

Q: Why did the chicken cross te road?
A: I envision a world where ckickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

And lastly, Answers to driving school tests:
q : Do you yield when a blind pedestrian crosses the road?
a : What for? He can't see my license plate.

q : What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
a : Make eye contact and wave "hello" if she's hot.

q : What is the difference between a flashing rd traffic light and a flashing yello one?
a : The colour.

q : When driving though fog, what should you use?
a : Your car.

[Grumble]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"

[Flawed]

Ahem!........

Why did Snoop Dogg need an umbrella?


Fo Drizzle.

[Grumble]

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store
laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's
no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly.

This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?

So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him
to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts
cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the
guy.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies "Your house."

[DurhangAddict]

@ Flawed:

What does Snoop Dogg use to get stains out of his laundry?

Blea-yoch.

(...Sorry. You started it!)

[Grumble]

A woman takes her lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband comes home unexpectedly. She puts her Lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"

Boy - "$750"

Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch.

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy -"$1,000"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again, you're in my closet now." :eek:

[q21]

That's excellent Grumble.

[Coco with marshmallows]

Man Rules (only a partial list, but still important):

*Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

*It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

a. When a heroic dog dies trying to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth

*Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

*Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

*If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

*Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

*No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

*On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

*When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

*You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of fart-related entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

*It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel..........and it's free.

*Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

*Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

*Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

*If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

*Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

*A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

*Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just mean.

*If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

*Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except if she's withholding s*x pending your response.

*Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

*Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

*Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have s*x with her - Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

*The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey s*x, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

*It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

*Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

*The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an XBox 360. End of story!!!!!!!!!!

[bubba]

Quote

*Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

Unless it is a classic mopar (Duster 340) or any mopar Hemi Orange

[Thelomen Toblerone]

I wanna buy a Kawasaki Ninja superbike that's bright orange. Is that wrong?

[Grumble]

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided that they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail.

When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business.

After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking. The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned. How was it for you?"

The second old man replied, "I think mine was a witch."

The first man asked, "How's that?"

"Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast, she farted and flew out the window!"

[caladanbrood]

Thelomen Toblerone;230799 said:

I wanna buy a Kawasaki Ninja superbike that's bright orange. Is that wrong?

Virtually heretical:eek: In a perverse twist of the man rules, the only colour Ninja you're allowed to buy is Lime Green...

[Shiara]

caladanbrood;230855 said:

Virtually heretical:eek: In a perverse twist of the man rules, the only colour Ninja you're allowed to buy is Lime Green...

My dad's is purple

[bubba]

The only time these colors can be used

[ATTACH]2837[/ATTACH]

[ATTACH]2838[/ATTACH]

and the BEST car of all time

[ATTACH]2839[/ATTACH]

[Lucifer's Heaven]

Cocoreturns;230753 said:

Man Rules (only a partial list, but still important)

It's well known among my friends that I don't generally fit into stereotypes. Especially masculinity ones. Almost none of these apply to me :eek: I'd probably be worried if I wasn't so used to it

Although, the majority of my friends are females, and most of them are quite to very attractive, so maybe I shouldn't complain

@ Shiara - You're dad has a purple Ninja! That's so awesome!

[Flawed]

Ahem................Sorry!

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they wished to* portray, as long as they were famous.
"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."
"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," replied Willis. "I'll play him."
"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segall. "I'd like to play him."
Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, turning to Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"* Arnold in a slow deliberate voice replied, "I'll be Bach."