[caladanbrood]

One day you will die, and every bad pun ever made will heave a sigh of relief...

Which must be an uplifting thought

[Flawed]

caladanbrood;226315 said:

One day you will die, and every bad pun ever made will heave a sigh of relief...

Which must be an uplifting thought

Agreed,

On my head stone it will say........

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Flawed!
Flawed Who!?
Exactly!!!

Oh!

[Bent]

that knock knock joke...slammed the door right in comedy's face
I'm an idiot!

[Flawed]

Bent;226325 said:

that knock knock joke...slammed the door right in comedy's face
I'm an idiot!

Now now Bent, its not all doom and gloom. Grow yourself some eyebrows like mine. Hilarity will ensue!

[ShadowOwl]

MY LIVING WILL

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said
to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent
on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just
pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch.....

[Flawed]

Ahem................................

John decided life would be much easier if he had a clone. So he had one made and sent him to work in his place whilst he stayed home and relaxed.

Soon this backfired when the clone came home and said he had been fired for making rude and naughty comments to the women in the office. John decided he had to get rid of the clone before things got worse. He took the clone to the top of a tall building and pushed him off. Unfortunately someone saw John and reported him to the police.

He was arrested and convicted for making an Obscene Clone Fall.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Cha'rlz.........Nope. Not the kids...all mine!!

[Sir Thursday]

Once upon a time there was a man named Benny. One day, Zeus came to him and said "I propose to you a deal. You shall be immortal and have all your wants and needs fulfilled in your new life on Mt. Olympus, on the condition that you never shave again." Benny naturally accepted.

Many years passed, and Benny's beard grew longer and longer, whilst he simultaneously became known as a notorious womanizer. But one day, a girl told him she would only sleep with him if he cut off his beard. Thinking that after such a long time Zeus would surely have forgotten, Benny did exactly that, only for Zeus to immediately smite him with a bolt of lightning, leaving only ashes.

Moral of the story: A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.



Sir Thursday

[Flawed]

Two in one day! Are you not happy!?

Ahem.........

A man wakes up in a hospital. All his limbs are sore and he is feeling horrible. A doctor comes over and says. " I'm afraid i have some bad news. You have been in a traffic accident. We have treated your wounds and they are all fine. Unfortunately your Penis was chopped off in the car crash and we couldn't find it"

" Oh No! " cried the man in obvious distress.

" We do have some good news, " stated the doctor, " You are entitled to a £9000 insurance claim and with modern state of the art surgery we are able to re create you a new penis. Just the same as before..... No!... Better then before. "

" oh wow! " cried the man

" the thing is " said the doctor, " that its quite expensive and will cost you £1000 an inch. Now we understand that this is a lot of money and something that you should really discuss this with your wife. For example, do you go for a bigger penis and use all the money? this is something your wife may like or do you go for a smaller penis, could this effect your love life?

You are free to go home and rest. Discuss this with your wife and come back tomorrow and tell me what you want to do"

" ok " , said the man as he hobbled off home.

The next day came around and the man walked into the Doctors office and sat down.

"ah!" said the doctor. "so have you come to a decision how you wish to continue with the operation? What size etc, and discussed it with the wife? "

" Yes " said the man, "were having a new kitchen instead "........

[Sinisdar Toste]

ohhh SNAP!

those faint of heart, please avert your eyes

whats the difference between an apple and a dead baby?

apples fall from trees.

im a bad man

whats the difference between a garage full of dead babies and a garage full of bmw's?

i dont have a garage full of bmw's

[Cold Iron]

Sinisdar Toste;226927 said:

whats the difference between a garage full of dead babies and a garage full of bmw's?

i dont have a garage full of bmw's

:lachen70:

[Flawed]

And it had to happen...........

Ahem!!!

McClaren - Right, Tel, thanks to Israel I can still get us through to
the Euros and can't afford any mistakes. Goalkeeper - who's the best in
the country?

Terry Venables - Rob Green

Mc - Don't know him. Is he in the squad?

TV - No.

Mc - Who have we got - I can't afford to play that clown Robinson again?

TV - James and Carson.

Mc - Who would you go for?

TV - Well James is in good form and has more experience.

Mc - Hmmmmm, James cost Sven a few games, I'll go with Carson. Defence
picks itself; Nev, JT, Rio and Ash.

TV - They're all injured, Steve.
Mc - Oh. Well, Micah at right back, Ledley and Carra in the middle and
the other fella who can only kick with one foot on the left.

TV - Ledley's injured, Steve - and Carra refuses to play for his
country.

Mc - Who does that leave me?

TV - Lescott and Sol.

Mc - There must be other centre halves?

TV - They're all foreigners, Steve.

Mc - Lescott? I thought he was a left back, never mind, he's in.
Midfield is easy Becks, Lamps, Stevie G and Joey.

TV - I wouldn't start with Becks, Steve. Not fit and playing in a Mickey
Mouse league.

Mc - Well I saw him a few weeks ago and he scored twice in a 14-12 win.

TV - Save him towards the end in case we need a get out of jail card
like against Greece.

Mc - Good idea - so we'll play the little fella on the right. You
know,quick with no end product.

TV - Lennon?

Mc - No, the other one. His Dad will be in the TV studio, so that should
go down well. So that's SWP, Lamps, Stevie G and Joey.

TV - Steve, you know Frank and Stevie G can't play together, even my old
mum knows that.

Mc - Only because neither one is defensive. I'm going to put another man
behind them, Barry. That'll fool Bilic. Now, up front. I think we should
play the two that caused Russia so many problems here.

TV - Heskey and Owen?

Mc - Yep.

TV - They're both injured.

Mc - **** - who would you play?

TV - Rooney and Ashton.

Mc - Excellent, two class players, they're in.

TV - They're both injured.

Mc - **** me, have I upset the big man up there?

TV - Who, Barwick?

Mc -No THE big man.

TV - Crouchy won't let you down.

Mc - How many goals has he scored this season?

TV - None

Mc - None? Is he the best we've got?

TV - We've got Defoe and Bent as well. They've got one goal between
them.

Mc - One goal between 3 of our best players, why is that?

TV - Too many foreigners in the Premiership.

Mc - Tel, I'm struggling here, do you think I'm out of my depth?

TV - Don't be silly, look at your CV, how many major trophies have you
won?

Mc - None.

TV - I've just remembered, I've got to speak to my solicitor about
redundancy compensation.

[Sir Thursday]

Once upon a time there were three pregnant Native American Women in a tribe who were all due to give birth on the same day. As part of the birthing ritual, they were allowed to choose the skin of the animal they would lie on to give birth on. The first woman chose a buffalo hide, and delivered a baby boy weighing 5lbs. The second woman chose a horsehide, and delivered a baby boy weighing 6 lbs. The third woman was the wife of a chief, and asked for a hippopotamus hide. Because of her position of privelege, she was granted her odd request, and delivered a baby boy weighing 11 lbs.

Moral of the story: The son of the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the son of the squaws on the other two hides.


Mathematics and complicated setups - lovely!


Sir Thursday

[Coco with marshmallows]

and to unload:

two cannibals on a dinner date. one asks the other "are you having a nice time?"
other replies "yes, i'm having a ball"
"slow down, you're eating too fast"

****************************************

what do you call a cannibal who eats his parents?
an orphan.

****************************************

what did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
wiped his bum.

*****************************************

what's green and smells like pork?
Kermit's finger.

*****************************************

and the immortal classic:

how do you make a dog drink?
put it in the blender.

*****************************************

[Aptorian]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man
seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out
laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for
himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got
on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down
under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I
grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, '
Logan 's
Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed
herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the
Trick," and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She
moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber
could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

[Flawed]

Ahem...........

Two birds are sitting on a perch.
One says to the other, "Do you smell fish?"

[Coco with marshmallows]

two goldfish in a tank

one says:

"i'll drive, you man the guns"

[cerveza_fiesta]

a horse walks into a bar

Bartender says "hey horse, why the long face?"

hilarity

[Flawed]

This is a good one...

Ahem!........

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt and said, "I do .... why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Sliver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse some water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run round Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver. The Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you've left your Injun running."

[cerveza_fiesta]

Flawed;227794 said:

This is a good one...

Ahem!........

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt and said, "I do .... why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Sliver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse some water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run round Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver. The Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you've left your Injun running."

haha...id rep you if i hadn't already today

[Flawed]

cerveza_fiesta;227813 said:

haha...id rep you if i hadn't already today

Save it up for another day. Id remind you but im old but still strikingly handsome............ish