The Joke thread :p

#161 Thelomen Toblerone

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Posted 03 May 2007 - 07:00 PM

Here's a relatively lame one I heard in a philosophy lecture:

Q: Why do Marxists only drink herbal tea?

A: Because all proper tea is theft.

#162 Gothos

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Posted 03 May 2007 - 07:43 PM

cba to read them all right now, but here's one.

A plane is flying over the Atlantic Ocean. Something goes wrong and one of the engines goes aflame. The flight attendant informs the passengers that the plane is overburdened and unless they lose some mass they're going to crash. There are also no parachutes on the plane.
So, the Frenchman stands up, quickly drinks a bottle of fine red wine, walks up to the door, and shouting "Viva la France!" he jumps out.
The plane regained stability for a while, but then it starts to lose altitude again. So the flight attendant informs the passengers that yet again something must be done or they're going to crash.
So, the Englishman stands up, kisses the flight attendant, and shouting "For the Queen!" jumps out.
The plane regained stability. But after a while, it starts falling again, and the flight attendant informed the passengers about the situation one more time.
Then, the Pole stands up, drinks all the alcohol on the flight, shags the flight attendant, and shouting "Viva Nigeria!" throws the black man out of the plane.

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.

#163 Gothos

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Posted 03 May 2007 - 07:44 PM

Heavy Metal Elemental;181450 said:

"Most of our imports, come from other countries"

Cheers to Bush, the blithering ninny.

I don't really like Bush, but americans consider interstate trade as import/export as well iirc...

#164 caladanbrood

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Posted 03 May 2007 - 07:55 PM

What do you call Tiste Simeon without Reaper's Gale?

Pissed Simeon:p

O xein', angellein Lakedaimoniois hoti têde; keimetha tois keinon rhémasi peithomenoi.

#165 Obdigore

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Posted 03 May 2007 - 08:29 PM

Gothos;181492 said:

I don't really like Bush, but americans consider interstate trade as import/export as well iirc...

I have yet to hear of us americans conisder trade between states 'imports/exports'. All imports/exports I know of come from other countries, not in between states.

Monster Hunter World Iceborne: It's like hunting monsters, but on crack, but the monsters are also on crack.

#166 Thelomen Toblerone

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Posted 04 May 2007 - 12:20 AM

A priest goes on holiday and the bishop is desperate for a replacement to fill in and do confession until he gets back.

He calls all the other priests he knows, but they're all busy, and he cant do it because he has to go abroad, so in desperation, he calls his friend the Rabbi and asks him to fill in.

"Oh, Im not sure" replies the Rabbi, "Im in a different religion, I wouldnt have a clue what I was doing!"

"Oh it's easy!" the bishop answers. "I'll give you this chart, and it matches up the sin to the punishment. All you have to do is sit and listen to the person confess their sin, look it up on the chart and proscribe the appropriate punishment."

The Rabbi cant see any problems with this and want to help out his old friend, so he agrees.

5 days into it, he's encountered no problems. But then a man comes into the confessional box and says "Father, forgive me, I have sinned. I have indulged in anal sex."

So the Rabbi consults the chart, but is perplexed to find that he cant see anal sex listed anywhere. A little concerned and needing to answer the man, the Rabbi asks to be excused for a second and runs into the vestry.

Panicked, he quickly askes the altar boy "Quick! What does the priest usually give for anal sex?"

"Oh," the boy replies, "usually just a glass of milk and a couple of cookies."

#167 Coco with marshmallows

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Posted 04 May 2007 - 08:45 PM

A man walks into a bakers.
points at a cake, and asks "how much is that cake?"
"one pound"
points at another "how much is that one?"
"one pound"
"and that one?
"one pound"
"What about that one?"
"Two pounds"
"why's it more expensive?
"That's madeira cake"

damn. just realised this joke only works if you say it out loud.

oh well then:

A man walks into a talent agency. Looks at the agent behind his desk and says to him "have i got an act for you"
the agent, taking his cigar out his mouth, snarls "oh yeah? tell me about it"
............CENSORED............
............CENSORED............
............CENSORED............
............CENSORED............
............CENSORED............
............CENSORED............
............CENSORED............
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the agent stares and asks "what the hell do you call that act?"
the man looks at him and says "the aristocrats."
(note. for the uncensord version of the joke, please see the documentary 'the aristocrats'. I'm not risking posting that.)

meh. Link was dead :(

#168 Thelomen Toblerone

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Posted 07 May 2007 - 08:33 PM

Bloody hell, if Wiggles got banned for posting an offensive joke in this thread, im intrigued as to what it is. Must be AWFULLY offensive if he got banned for it, and some of the ones ive said get nothing....

#169 Rich the Great

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Posted 07 May 2007 - 08:35 PM

I didn't think it was that bad, maybe he got banned because it was awfully unfunnny.

#170 Illuyankas

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Posted 07 May 2007 - 08:36 PM

It WAS an Aristocrats joke, but I think if I post it myself, even in a similarly censored version to Cocoreturns, I'll be banned. But, it was pretty damn funny.

I guess not everyone has as good a sense of humour as some of us

Hello, soldiers, look at your mage, now back to me, now back at your mage, now back to me. Sadly, he isn’t me, but if he stopped being an unascended mortal and switched to Sole Spice, he could smell like he’s me. Look down, back up, where are you? You’re in a warren with the High Mage your cadre mage could smell like. What’s in your hand, back at me. I have it, it’s an acorn with two gates to that realm you love. Look again, the acorn is now otataral. Anything is possible when your mage smells like Sole Spice and not a Bole brother. I’m on a quorl.

#171 McLovin

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Posted 07 May 2007 - 08:37 PM

well, can you PM it to us? i'm morbidly curious...

OK, I think I got it, but just in case, can you say the whole thing over again? I wasn't really listening.

#172 Rich the Great

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Posted 07 May 2007 - 08:41 PM

Illuyankas;182559 said:

I guess not everyone has as good a sense of humour as some of us

Humour is you taking the piss out of murdered prostitutes on a very hungover sunday morning.

#173 Illuyankas

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Posted 07 May 2007 - 08:42 PM

Yes? And?

#174 Thelomen Toblerone

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Posted 07 May 2007 - 08:47 PM

Was f*cking funny, I reckons.

I went out for dinner with one of my best mates and his family that afternoon, and his dad (a barrister) did exactly the same thing, so there we are.

#175 Guest_potsherds_*

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Posted 07 May 2007 - 08:49 PM

Yes, it was very offensive. I haven't seen The Aristocrats recently, but I don't believe any rendition of The Joke on that movie was quite as atrocious as his. Not like that was a bad thing though. That joke is meant to be extremely inappropriate. But that's the thing, inappropriate for a supposed 'family friendly' forum. I doubt anyone necessarily complained. It just wasn't smart to post it in the first place.

#176 Illuyankas

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Posted 07 May 2007 - 08:58 PM

He did spoiler it, but then he told people not to read it, sort of defeating the objective somewhat.

#177 McLovin

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Posted 07 May 2007 - 09:02 PM

potsherds;182565 said:

But that's the thing, inappropriate for a supposed 'family friendly' forum.

Now there's an interesting parallax. How "family friendly" can a forum that discusses books where characters get stabbed, garrotted, crucified, raped, disemboweled, and blown up be? :confused:

OK, I think I got it, but just in case, can you say the whole thing over again? I wasn't really listening.