[Tiste Simeon]

One from the Vicar of Dibley...

A man had a son who had a head and nothing else on him. No arms, torso or legs etc. Just a head. Anyway the father loved his son like no other, and tried to give him the best life he could. So on his 18th birthday, in a time honoured tradition, he took his son, the head, to the pub for his first pint.
The son drank his pint eagerly, and wonder of all wonders, he grew a torso! The whole pub was amazed, and another pint quickly came his way, and arms suddenly grew out of his torso. The son was really excited and grabbed another pint, downing it quickly. Legs, appeared and he could stand up and walk! He was so excited he was dancing about and running around. He ran out of the pub, into the street and was instantly killed by an 18 wheeler lorry.

The bartender, looking at the mess, turned to the boys father and said "He should have quit while he was ahead."

[Tsundoku]

For the fairer sex ...

Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A: Marry it.

A boy asks his father, "How much does it cost to get married?"
His father replies, "I don't know son, I'm still paying for it."

He said, "Shall we try a new sexual position tonight?"
She replied, "That's a great idea. How about you stand by the sink and do the dishes while I sit on the sofa and fart?"

Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.

The definition of eternity is the time that passes between when you come and she leaves.

Q: What's the difference between the G spot and a golf ball?
A: A man will actually search for a golf ball.



Cheers,

La Sombra, no longer wonders why he's single ...

[Thelomen Toblerone]

Q: What do you get if Chelsea get relegated?

A: 100,000 more Man United fans.




And my personal favourite joke:

Tottenham Hotspur

[caladanbrood]

Thelomen Toblerone;166920 said:

And my personal favourite joke:

Tottenham Hotspur

Oooh, ooh, here's one - who is still in both european and domestic cup competitions, and who got knocked out of three of them within the last two weeks?

[Thelomen Toblerone]

Ooh, ooh, who knocked Spurs out of one of the domestic cups with their youth team?

And who's gonna be knocked out the other anyway by Chelsea this weekend?

And Europe?! LMAO, the UEFA cup does not count as Europe, its to see who's the best of the teams placed 5th-7th in the leagues across Europe, I can smell the pedigree from here. And who only qualified for Europe for the first time in years and years and years this season anyway?


Face it Brood, you'll never match up to the mighty Arsenal.

[Tiste Simeon]

Thelomen Toblerone said:

Q: What do you get if Chelsea get relegated?

A: 100,000 more Man United fans.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I love it!!

TT said:

Face it Brood, you'll never match up to the mighty Arsenal.

Yeah but at least spurs doesn't have the word ARSE in it.

Tiste Simeon, proud sponsor of Immaturity.

[KarsaPast]

Q:What do a tree and an elephant have in common?
A:They both have trunks!

:folken:

[KarsaPast]

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

:folken:

[Aptorian]

So I once stole a wheelchair....

Apt, believing in the comedy of the assumption.

[Tiste Simeon]

I feel bad about it, but I laughed out loud, Apt.

[Mezla PigDog]

Just got this:


A bear walks into a bar in Billings , Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.


The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings ."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings ."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings "

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."





The bartender says, "You are now.
That was a barbitchyouate

[Thelomen Toblerone]

This thread NEEDS to be resurrected. God bless it and allt he entertainment it has provided me.


Q: What's the only inedible part of a vegetable?

A: The wheelchair.

------------

This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh..well...ah....well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?!?" And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

[Lancelot]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to
death.

They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable,when
all of a sudden. ......

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet"

"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and
there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back
bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

"Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. "Eees a bacon tree".

"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't
forget"

"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees
no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that ....Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5
metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine
gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks.

It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he
manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe...go back man, you was right ees not a bacon tree"

"Luis Luis mi amigo...what ees it?

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree..

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Eees a Ham Bush!:eek:

[Lancelot]

There are a few made up ones and i think the GCSE thing is crap but some are funny!!



The following questions and answers were collected from last year's GCSE exams and are some of the answers given by British students.

(16 years old and stupid - but we love 'em. They cheer up a teacher's day no end.)

Geography

Name the four seasons-

Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar



Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink-

Filtration makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists



How is dew formed?

The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire



What is a planet?

A body of earth surrounded by sky



What causes the tides in the oceans?

The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight



Sociology

What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?

If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed



In a democratic society, how important are elections?

Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.



What are steroids?

Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs



Biology

What happens to your body as you age?

When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.



What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.



Name a major disease associated with cigarettes-

Premature death



What is artificial insemination?

When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow



How can you delay milk turning sour?

Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]



What is the Fibula?

A small lie



Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."

The caesarean section is a district in Rome



What is a seizure?

A Roman emperor



What is a terminal illness?

When you are sick at the airport



Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?

Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

English

Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning

Hands that judicious can be soft as your face



What does the word "benign" mean?

Benign is what you will be after you be eight



Technology

What is a turbine?

Something an Arab or Sikh wears on his head

[Menandore]

What's the difference between a BMW and a hedgehog?

With the hedgehog the pricks are on the outside

[Coco with marshmallows]

what is the only animal in the world with a six foot prick halfway up its back?


A police horse.

[Grumble]

Mad Mavis is the terror of the Asylum as she zooms about the building and grounds in her electric wheelchair ...... one day as she motors around the dining room she is stopped by Paranoid Pete

" Do you have a licence for this vehicle " he asks

Mavis reaches into her handbag and pulls out an old Kit Kat wrapper which she hands to Pete

" This looks in order, carry on " he says

Mavis zooms off on her way to the Asylum grounds but is stopped in the hallway by Mad Mike.

" Do you have a valid MOT for this vehicle" he asks

Mavis reaches into her handbag and pulls out a beermat which she hands to Mike

" This looks in order, carry on " he says

Mavis roars off into the Asylum grounds but is forced to screech to a stop, as a naked Loopy Larry jumps out from behind a hedge his throbbing cock gripped in his hand

" Oh God not the BREATHALYZER test again " moans Mavis

[Rich the Great]

A husband goes to his wife, "My olympic condoms have finally arrived, I think I'll wear Gold tonight."

To which the wife responds, "Why don't you wear silver and come second for a fucking change."

B'dum tsch.