[bwgan]

Rich the Great;122044 said:

Haha, thats fantastic.

A man walks into a Butcher's and says to the butcher, "I bet you 50 quid that you can't reach that meat on the top shelf."
"No," he says. "The stakes are too high."

At last someone with a proper sense of humour!

Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick ...duh! :lachen70:


Q. What's ET short for?
A. Well, he's only got lickle legs :placate:

Tell me when you give up...

[Thelomen Toblerone]

A plane is flying over the middle of the Pacific Ocean, when thepilot announce that it's gone out of control, the plane is going to crash and everyone's going to die.

Amidst the screaming and panicked passengers, one woman stands up and shouts above all the din:

"If I'm going to die, I want to go out feeling like a woman, dammit!"

With that, she rips off all her clothes, and, fully naked, asks:

"Is there anybody on the plane man enough to make me feel like a woman, then?"

Eagerly, one man four rows behind her stands up. Ripping off his shirt, he thrusts it at her and says:

"Here, iron this!"

[Aptorian]

Tremolo;122345 said:

Which type of person are you?

What the hell Tremolo, can you get Wulfmorgenthaler in english now? :confused:

This is a great breakthrough in human understanding

[bwgan]

"You a late for work again Smith!"
"Yes, I am sorry sir, I overslept."
"I thought I told you to get an alarm clock?"
"I did sir, but there are nine of us in the family!"
"What's that got to do with it?"
"The alarm was only set for eight!" (Boom, boom!!!)

[bwgan]

First sheep, "Baa."
Second sheep, "Moo!"
First sheep, "What do you mean moo?"
Second sheep, "I am learning a foreign language!" :outta:

[Rich the Great]

I was in M&S the other day, and decided to splash out on a pair of frilly knickers.

They made me pay for them though.

Just for you Bwgan,

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

[Sir Thursday]

What's links a pig's tail and 2AM?

Spoiler

They're both twirly!

Sir Thursday

[bwgan]

What's square and blue?


An orange in disguise!

[Thelomen Toblerone]

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "Shit" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.

[Mezla PigDog]

I just saw Jeremy Beadle on tv, which reminded me of one of my favourite jokes. Non-Brits probably won't get it. Here goes:

You could say that Jeremy Beadle has a really small cock, but on the other hand, it's massive.

[Sir Thursday]

@Mezla: I'm British and I don't get that...although Beadle was a tad before my time. (I do remember one episode of Beadle's About though, in which there was a cricket bat with lots of weird stuff on it).


In other news:


How do ducks put out forest fires?

Spoiler

With their webbed feet

How do elephants put out forest fires?

Spoiler

With ducks

Sir Thursday

[Mezla PigDog]

Mezla PigDog;122912 said:

You could say that Jeremy Beadle has a really small cock, but on the other hand, it's massive.

The explanation just makes me look bad!

Spoiler

It's very un-PC because he has an under-developed left hand due to thalidamide.

[cruz1701]

Yeah but he's also a t*at and so its not as bad as it could be. Its still a real groaner though

[Mezla PigDog]

I posted this beauty in the last joke thread. But it needs another airing for a new generation. A lot better when told by a bloke:

"What's blue and dangerous around children?

Me in my lucky blue suit"

I suppose I could use the alternative punchline "Sombra in his lucky blue suit"

[Thelomen Toblerone]

I will now tell the worst "joke" I've ever heard (if you're easily disgusted DO NOT look- dont blame me otherwise)


Q: What do you get if you slit a babys throat with a razorblade?






A: An Erection


And for god's sake someone tell me how to use spoilers

[councilor]

this is a really bad one...
what did the dog sitting on sandpaper say to the other dog?
rough rough...

[Sir Thursday]

Inuit 1: So where does your mother come from?
Inuit 2: I'll ask her.



@TT: To see how to use spoilers, just quote someone who put them in...it's [ SPOILER ] What you don't want to spoil [ / SPOILER ], removing the spaces from between the brackets.


Sir Thursday

[Aptorian]

Mezla PigDog;122933 said:

I posted this beauty in the last joke thread. But it needs another airing for a new generation. A lot better when told by a bloke:

"What's blue and dangerous around children?

Me in my lucky blue suit"

I suppose I could use the alternative punchline "Sombra in his lucky blue suit"

Really I thought this was a penis joke when I read the first line...

[Mezla PigDog]

Maybe they come in blue in Copenhagen! But they don't around these parts, matey!!

[McLovin]

Probably been done, but here goes...

Q. If storks bring babies, what birds don't bring babies?

Spoiler

A. Swallows