[Menandore]

There's a different version of that going around

If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

Spoiler

The Swallow

[Illuyankas]

"If I die, and am preincarnated, I want to come back as my girlfriend's vagina."
"Why?"
"That way, I get to see all my friends again!"

So, so bad...

[Thelomen Toblerone]

It's Xmas eve and a little girl goes to see Santa.

"So little girl, what would you like for Christmas?" he asks as she sits on his lap.

"I want a Barbie and an Action Man!" the little girl says.

"Uh, ok, sure" replies Santa, "But doesn't Barbie usually come with Ken?"

"No no no" replies the girl, "Barbie comes with Action Man. She fakes it with Ken."

[Tremolo]

Mezla PigDog;123303 said:

Maybe they come in blue in Copenhagen! But they don't around these parts, matey!!

What parts yours are they then, MP?

[Thelomen Toblerone]

@ Apt's specific request:

On a Michael Jackson related note, did anyone hear that McDonalds are releasing a special "Michael Jackson Burger" to commemorate the 5th anniversary of the trial?

What it is, is a piece of 40 year old meat between 2 five year old buns.

[Darkwatch]

Here's one I remember from who's line is it anyway Greg Proups said it.

Carey: Subject, Phrases you can use to describe your truck but not your girlfreind.

Greg: My, you could fit 4 in there!

[Thelomen Toblerone]

Ah, the mystery of DVDA. I bet a feng shui expert could do it.

[Tsundoku]

A man receives a call from the local doctor one day.

The Doctor says "I'm sorry sir, but we have a bit of a dilemma here and I was hoping you could help us out?"

"Of course," says the man "What's the problem?"

"Well," says the Doctor "we had a fire at the surgery last week, and in the chaos and confusion with all the records, many of them got badly mixed up. We've pretty much straightened out the mess though, except for one outstanding case."

"Which is ...?"

"Your wife. We're not sure whether she has AIDS or Alzheimers."

"Oh my God!" exclaims the man "This is terrible! What am I going to do?"

"Here's the plan," replies the doctor "what you do is this: tomorrow, I want you to take your wife out for a short drive to some park or wherever you fancy, take her for a walk and then leave her there. If she finds her way home - DON'T F**K HER!!!"

@Mezla
I don't own a blue suit. Nyah nyah.

Cheers,

La Sombra, sensitive

[Tsundoku]

Double post *bump* because I remembered this one.

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?

A: You can sleep with a light on.



Cheers,

La Sleepless In Brisbane Sombra

[Aptorian]

my first clean joke:

A little girl and her mother were out and about.

Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.

The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.

The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."

--------------------------

This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.

The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!"

The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?" The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"

[Omras Ghum]

whats the difference between a fighting dog and a social worker?

the dog eventually lets go of your child

[Thelomen Toblerone]

I cant believe you heartless bastards let this thread die!

I'll start with some more leper jokes:


What did the leper say while riding his bike?

Look ma, no hands!



What did the leper say when he stepped out the shower?

Bugger, I've forgotten me head and shoulders!



What did the leper say while playing poker?

That's it, I'm throwing in my hand.

[Rich the Great]

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.

Yes, I did." he replied.

My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

Oh...she got fired too."

[Thelomen Toblerone]

did u hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

he used to lie awake at nite wondering if there was really a dog

[Shiara]

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear, or are
about to repeat a rumor.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC) Socrates was widely lauded for his
wisdom.

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to
him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about
one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you
to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" replied the acquaintance!

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my
student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The
first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to
tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.

Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you
are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about
him, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because
there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want
to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither
True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such
high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his
wife.

[Tiste Simeon]

Very cool Shiara. Made me giggle.

Two sausages in a pan. One says "Is it me, or is it hot in hee?"
The other turns to him and replies "Wow! A Talking Sausage!"

[Darkwatch]

@Shiara:
Everyone knows Plato was Socrate's bitch.

[Shiara]

Still makes for a funny joke

[Darkwatch]

Yes it does.