[Cause]

will read soon. The chap 89 thing was just a joke on the fact that you wrote 89 instead of 9 in your previous chapter.

Oh a question why does harper who would seem to be a great general after all that training not be given a command of an army.

[drinksinbars]

thats alright, i like feedback both good and bad, hopefully you will like the new chapters one and two etc, i have grown in confidence when writing dialogue so the story is fleshed out more by speech rather than long layers of prose. not that they arent there they just arent the only means to an end

plus that opening line has more ramifications with harper, who its about ties in with a few other moments later in the book and stuff. i have revisions to make to chapters 3,4,5 and thenneed to write a chapter 14. 15the last chapter in this part, is completed but i am not releasing any new stuff until its all done, so any comments about the prologue, chapters 11 - 13 would be welcome so i can get their revisions done.

[drinksinbars]

the next chapter is a council chapter so ill hopefully make it all up there.

[Cause]

One problem I think you have is that you seem to be using trench warfare type tactics. Yet the technology I think is far superior to this. The fighting borders should be more fluid. Also at what tech level is your world I can not get an exact grasp at first I thought 1920 but you seem to have missles tanks and planes. You are slowly explaining how swordsman survive against guns which is good and neccesarry. The trainee mage I forget his name plot line looks interesting I wonder how powerfull he rarly is. As does the prisoner trying to break free of his prison mystery.

[drinksinbars]

soon, trying to write a matilda chapter and the words arent flowing so i keep writing a few pages then scraping it. am in a course the rest of the week so it will be next week at the arliest but it will be about my tenth try so hopefully it will be worth it.

[drinksinbars]

just to wanr you all, the early part of the book has under gone major changes,m i mean the first chapter is totally different!!

[drinksinbars]

bav your a real globe trotter!! every time you read my story its in a different country!!

[drinksinbars]

well works really busy, but i finished them on my lunch hour, so here you go.

point of interest i need real help with seven as i want to create a sort of feel in the readers mind i am not sure comes across as yet. with each memory(you'll know) im changing the writing style to reflect the characters recollection, the memories therefore are not really what happened but relate more to that persons view as they are now. so it may seem like a miles & boon novel at one point and an episode of dragon ball z in another but hopefully it will be explained by reading the entire chapter.

as always all comments are welcome. especially bad ones.

the file contains chapters 6&7 and a revised character list. enjoy


******if someone downloaded that i changed it slightly if you want to get the new version instead*******************

[Yellow]

Ok read Chapter 1 now. It's good - there's less description, and imo it helps the story to move along at a quicker pace. The majority of it is fine, as far as I can see, but I do have a few points:

In the first section, there seems to be no fixed point of view, it flicks between characters very readily, though I suspect this might be on purpose. It does tend to cause a bit of confusion though - like when we are told that Firth dislikes Bourne (or whatever it was, sorry can't remember exactly), is this from Firth's POV, or is this what Bourne thinks that Firth thinks of him? This may seem pretty pedantic, but that's how it struck me.

Also - Davies' (his name seems to change half way through, btw - from Davis to Davies) slagging off of Bourne to his face. It's clear that Bourne is in charge, because Davies regrets his comments and shuts up once Bourne tells him off for it, so it just seems a little unlikely that a sargeant would talk to his superior officer in that way. Maybe he should just think those comments, in a Davies POV section, so that the reader knows how he feels, but he wouldn't have to have that outburst?

The only other thing is the grammer/punctuation, which can break up the flow of the text a bit, expecially in conversations, but I already mentioned that in the previous post.

Overall - very good. The pace seems to be right, and the plotlines are keeping me interested, so that side of things is going well, it seems

[drinksinbars]

well my first update in months, jeez. the entire prologue has been redone with a more dramatic and better writtenm entry all round. havent touched most of the chapters as i dont have time but chapter 11 has been written and some of the chapters are now in different orders to improve the stories continuity and flow.

also chapter 13 is there which leaves us nicely coming into the final part of the first story where i will wrap up all the back history of harper and katrina in their next chapter. the plotline of harry and matilda as well as thomas character get beefed up considerably in what is probably my best writing in chapter 11. looking forward to shcoking a few of you mad enough to read this with the action in the next few sections and hope you enjoy it.

i refined the character list slightly as i no longer need it so much and want to keep people in some suspense about whos who. you will notice a character in there at the bottom yet to appear though who will feel vaguely familiar to anyone from the last deathmatch or who is a fan of the fantastic four and george rr martin.

apart from that tirade the authors note is a bit of fuun so take it wlightly and i hope you enjoy this sinstallment and down feel too cheated by harpers minor role in proceedings this time around. comments as always are greatly welcomed

[drinksinbars]

ah cause you wont have to wait long, as i said before its rewrite city. plus i am almost finished chpater 11, which i had forgotten and 13.

am considering now splitting the two stories up and using Harpers first tale as a book, then matilda/carson thread as another/ and thomas story lastly. but theres so much overlap i just cant bear to do it!!! and i dont mean seperate stories, i just mean as in sub books of one overall novel so to speak

expect some new work and so old work redone within a few weeks.

[Cause]

Well when you ask if any major changes are needed I am not sure I will go over it again and see if anything major comes up. I did notice you adding in the numbers in the chapters and I am not sure it really contributes anything. You use breaks to signify a change in story lije quite will I think and am not sure if the numbers show anything except how many paragraphs their are.

Ther reason I have never commented on your characters names is I must admit I never noticed anything and even with you bringing it up I dont know who or what faydek was or means. except for the black death and depayne (was scar the name of katrinas elite bodyguard) it seems to subtle for me. I would be intisted in hearing some meanings. I did like faydeka as a character he says hes a loner yet I sense he is a caring friendly man.

I have noticed that katrina is the real power in ireland but I just cant understand why I will look at the revision and see if it helps. I feel it is paramount you explain this and her better. Is her great power as a result of her possession, how far back does her possession go? I did notice doyle is in love with her, from the chapter with niall still a boy, and spent a few minutes wondering if her elite bodyguard is meant to be doyle.

You asked if any changes needed to be done iF YOU CAN FOCUS MY ATTENTION TO A PARTICLAR SCENE YOU WANT ADVICE ON THAT WOULD BE GREAT. Or if you can ask a specific question. I am not sure what to look for or what you are worried about but as I SAID i WILL LOOK OVER IT AGIAN.

A few more questions. If Ireland has a few thousand if know only a few hundred elite enought to foma company the raven why dont the league with ten times the population ahve an equivelent. I also dont believe the league soldiers would be happy with the attrition tactics used by damas he may want sacrifices to khali but the men would not, yet harper says they never turned back even when beaten. On A quick skim through your revised chapter I NOTICED HARPER MENTIONING THE PROPAGNDA WAR THIS MIGHT BE USED TO EXPLAIN It, But still I think it needs some explaining why are the leagu soldiers so willing to die.

[Malarion]

quote:

"nothing delivers crystal clarity than the muzzle of cold steel gun pressed hard against your forehead."

Am I the only one who thinks this reads wrong?

"nothing delivers crystal clarity like the muzzle of a cold steel gun pressed hard against your forehead."

or

"nothing delivers crystal clarity morethan the muzzle of a cold steel gun pressed hard against your forehead."

sounds better to me. But I'm just nit-picking, it's a decent enough opening line which suggests a certain style of writing to follow.
However, try not to over-stylise the opening if you don't wish to maintain this type of dramatisation. It could be misleading.

quote:

i am not releasing any new stuff until its all done

Remember and let me know when it is and I'll give it a read through and let you know my thoughts (if you want, that is ).

[Fist Gamet]

OK, I have downloaded parts 1 and 2 so I will have a read.

[drinksinbars]

cheers iron bars

good feedback is even better than bad feedback!!

[Malarion]

This is well overdue a read. You really must irritate me into it, because I'm a lazy bastard (just started reading the Helathy dead, after having it for months).

I've heard its good (Cause says so, and I trust his taste).

So...what version do I read?

[Cause]

cause.cause@gmail.com