[King Lear]

You do you what you must, Prim. Women (and men too!) get told a lot bullshit about drunken hookups and for some people it's hard to know how to feel (and sort out how you actually feel from how you think you're supposed to feel, if you understand me) especially if you want to maintain the relationship. So I'm sure checking in with your friend to see how she is will be appreciated and you'll both be able to carry on whichever direction things happen to take afterwards with waters a bit less clouded.

Also, that alpha/beta thing is annoying and needs to die. Mostly because it's predicated on very poor science.
(As an aside from the discussion, I decided to look up the "theory" behind alpha/beta males because my anthro 101 paper (lol) is a very long time ago. BIG MISTAKE. Don't do it, folks. It's all about the PUAs Oh, plus one article about why beta males make better long-term mates, which was just as godawful. So if anyone feels like agreeing/arguing about this in scientific terms with actual science please do let me know where the science is at.)

[cerveza_fiesta]

Prim, after reading this whole thread and your responses to our various pieces of advice, the single thing that shines through is that you *must* open a dialogue.

What you choose to communicate in that dialogue is up to you, but do it if you don't want to lose her as a friend.

When I look back at all the times I've faced awkward situations like this - whether it be with women about relationships, co-workers about work disputes, professors about marks, whatever - the situation was helped by direct and honest communication. It's a psychologically difficult to initiate but I guarantee you will both appreciate the effort on your part. Don't ask advice of her girlfriends (because they'll tell her no matter what) and don't be wimpy and send a letter. Say it to her face plainly and honestly.

Unsolicited communication makes you look 100% more gallant in the situation shows beyond a shadow of a doubt that you truly care for her feelings regardless of what she chooses to do about it in the end. If you like her as more than a friend, there's no harm whatsoever in communicating that too. She might even be flattered and appreciate the offer for a proper "date" with no sex-strings attached.

And that date should not involve too much booze obviously. Give her a chance to sort out her feelings with a sound mind. A bit of wine over dinner would be ok to loosen the tension but generally keep booze out of the equation (ie order by the glass).

[Primateus]

cerveza_fiesta, on 14 November 2012 - 12:42 PM, said:

Don't ask advice of her girlfriends (because they'll tell her no matter what)

Oh don't worry, she has very few girlfriends and the few she does have...I hate them all!

[Mezla PigDog]

Surely what Prim is worried about is that he "took advantage" of the girl rather than he raped her. She consented but maybe she wouldn't have done had she not been shit faced. This happens to a lot of women. All Prim has to do is apologise for avoiding talking about it and say he's feeling weird in case she thinks he took advantage of her because while he didn't realise at the time, it is now obvious that she was more drunk than him. If she already suspects him of being creepy (and I suspect she doesn't or she wouldn't have humped him), then this will vindicate her suspicions. If she is a woman who is generally in control of her faculties and possibly done this before then she will laugh.

This post has been edited by Mezla PigDog: 14 November 2012 - 01:11 PM

[Abyss]

Obdigore, on 14 November 2012 - 10:22 AM, said:

You tell her what you told us in this thread, and see what she says. Then you decide where stuff goes from there.

In fact, SHOW HER THE THREAD!!!!

What could possibly go wrong?

cerveza_fiesta, on 14 November 2012 - 12:42 PM, said:

Prim, after reading this whole thread and your responses to our various pieces of advice, the single thing that shines through is that you *must* open a dialogue.
...

It's that or shut up about it, let the feeling pass (which it will eventually) and move along like it never happened until/unless it happens again.
YMMV.

Primateus, on 14 November 2012 - 12:54 PM, said:

cerveza_fiesta, on 14 November 2012 - 12:42 PM, said:

Don't ask advice of her girlfriends (because they'll tell her no matter what)

Oh don't worry, she has very few girlfriends and the few she does have...I hate them all!

Clearly this relationship has extensive legs.

Mezla PigDog, on 14 November 2012 - 01:11 PM, said:

Surely what Prim is worried about is that he "took advantage" of the girl rather than he raped her. ...

At root it doesn't seem like Prim is freaking out over possible criminal charges so much as this is a valued friend and he wants to clear the air.

One thing to think about tho is what you're going to say, Prim, if she confesses deep lusty feelings for you and wants an immediate repeat performance.

[amphibian]

So what I have gathered from this thread is that Primateus is a dumbass who can't or won't talk to this woman about the hook-up because he's feeling too squidgey.

At least I had a better excuse a week or so ago.

[Garak]

And what was that?

[Whisperzzzzzzz]

Garak, on 14 November 2012 - 07:15 PM, said:

And what was that?

Probably that dead people don't listen.

[worry]

Is this a general "talk about sex" thread too? Like can we ask other questions? For instance, for the novices among us who don't know, us total experts start at the beginning, like what...exactly...is...sex? How does one...have...it? Just a little refresher course for the noobs!

[rhulad]

You should totally start a "What is sex" thread in the inn.

[King Lear]

amphibian, on 14 November 2012 - 07:11 PM, said:

So what I have gathered from this thread is that Primateus is a dumbass who can't or won't talk to this woman about the hook-up because he's feeling too squidgey.

At least I had a better excuse a week or so ago.

Note to self, next time Amph asks for advice, be an arsehole, because apparently that's acceptable.

[Macros]

a what is sex thread could be amusing yes

[Terez]

I stopped reading the comments after about half a page. Just wanted to say, from a girl's perspective, that unless you were personally trying to get her stupid drunk and also personally remaining sober, then as long as she is of age she is completely responsible for anything stupid she might have done while drunk. It's not as if the tendency to do stupid things while drunk is a secret that only men know about. That said, I find Apt's quickness to jump on the anti-feminism bandwagon a little disturbing; I'm starting to wonder if it isn't a Scandinavian thing, though. I gather those liberal socialist countries have a particularly far-left and overzealous type of feminism, so maybe there is some backlash. I just think that there are some legitimate feminist issues that get thrown out with the bathwater.

[Macros]

As much as I hate to defend the apt, I think he might have come over a little strong but his intended message was, you both got drunk and made the two backed beast, it happens a lot, get over it.
Then he proceeded to rant about over paranoid society as a whole, where increased media coverage of peadophiles (I'm fine with exposing the scumbag yes) has led to situations where average joes are getting, not persecuted, but put upon for being sociable or even possibly responsible adults (regarding children).
I happen to agree with him to a certain extent that paranoia (possibly the right word) has led to ordinary peoples lives being hemmed in as every action is looked upon suspiciously.

[amphibian]

King Lear, on 14 November 2012 - 09:16 PM, said:

Note to self, next time Amph asks for advice, be an arsehole, because apparently that's acceptable.

The guy flat out stated that he won't talk to her.

Quote

So, I've been avoiding her for the last couple of months because, as I mentioned, I've been having a crisis of thought about this.

And that he hates every one of her female friends. Joke or not, it's obvious that engaging in clear and useful communication with her isn't a big priority for her.

I think the lack of communication from her side is pretty clear - no repeat performance and his going as far as to avoid her for the last couple of months will probably sink the friendship as well. You don't avoid a friend you want to keep for two plus months like that because you've been feeling squidgey.

His making a thread about this shows that he knows what he's been doing is wrong.

When I made my thread, I knew the specific words I used to talk to my momentarily volatile partner were wrong - hours after I'd said them - and asked for advice. I used the advice of you, Vengeance and a couple others to more effectively communicate with her. Things settled down and we're good now. It took me and her approximately a day to get over the obstacles of hurt and anger to start talking civilly. I was active, very much into making amends and did so in a good way thanks to you all.

So... yeah, sure, be an arsehole to me and not to this guy.

[King Lear]

amphibian, on 14 November 2012 - 10:27 PM, said:

King Lear, on 14 November 2012 - 09:16 PM, said:

Note to self, next time Amph asks for advice, be an arsehole, because apparently that's acceptable.

The guy flat out stated that he won't talk to her.

Quote

So, I've been avoiding her for the last couple of months because, as I mentioned, I've been having a crisis of thought about this.

And that he hates every one of her female friends. Joke or not, it's obvious that engaging in clear and useful communication with her isn't a big priority for her.

I think the lack of communication from her side is pretty clear - no repeat performance and his going as far as to avoid her for the last couple of months will probably sink the friendship as well. You don't avoid a friend you want to keep for two plus months like that because you've been feeling squidgey.

His making a thread about this shows that he knows what he's been doing is wrong.

When I made my thread, I knew the specific words I used to talk to my momentarily volatile partner were wrong - hours after I'd said them - and asked for advice. I used the advice of you, Vengeance and a couple others to more effectively communicate with her. Things settled down and we're good now. It took me and her approximately a day to get over the obstacles of hurt and anger to start talking civilly. I was active, very much into making amends and did so in a good way thanks to you all.

So... yeah, sure, be an arsehole to me and not to this guy.

I don't know if you noticed, but I try and be constructive instead of being a jerk. You know, like people were when YOU had a problem.

You should try it sometime.

[Primateus]

She has 3 friends, that she has told me about. The first one she, by her own admission, doesn't care to much about herself. The second one I have my own reasons for disliking which I think is completely fair, you can't like everyone. And this one just rubbed me the wrong way first time I met her. The last one isn't really hate on my part as much as sympathy annoyance. So there.

And Amph, if you'll notice, I didn't say I wouldn't talk to her, I said I had avoided her. For the simple reason that I didn't know what to say to her. Which is why I created this thread.

So there...

Oh yeah, and lack of communication from her side is business as usual! 90% of the time I'm the one who starts the conversation.

But here's to jumping to conclusions

[amphibian]

Primateus, on 14 November 2012 - 10:46 PM, said:

And Amph, if you'll notice, I didn't say I wouldn't talk to her, I said I had avoided her. For the simple reason that I didn't know what to say to her. Which is why I created this thread.

In the 36 hours since this thread was posted and advice was given, have you talked to her about this?

King Lear said:

I don't know if you noticed, but I try and be constructive instead of being a jerk. You know, like people were when YOU had a problem.

You should try it sometime.

See my above response to Primateus. He's had two months plus to get off his keister and do something about this. I bet she's long since moved on and no longer views him as a friend.

[POOPOO MCBUMFACE]

Terez, on 14 November 2012 - 09:34 PM, said:

That said, I find Apt's quickness to jump on the anti-feminism bandwagon a little disturbing; I'm starting to wonder if it isn't a Scandinavian thing, though. I gather those liberal socialist countries have a particularly far-left and overzealous type of feminism, so maybe there is some backlash. I just think that there are some legitimate feminist issues that get thrown out with the bathwater.

How dare you defend this "woman's rights" bullshit and that goddamn "suffrage" and all the bloody "extension of the franchise" feminist bullshit I don't think you understand that this detracts from what the white men are thinking here ma'am how about we listen to the plight of the really oppressed party sometime

Quote

I bet she's long since moved on and no longer views him as a friend.

Yeah, that's probably why she agreed to hang out with him yesterday

This post has been edited by POOPOO MCBUMFACE: 15 November 2012 - 02:32 AM

[Obdigore]

Primateus, on 14 November 2012 - 10:46 PM, said:

She has 3 friends, that she has told me about. The first one she, by her own admission, doesn't care to much about herself. The second one I have my own reasons for disliking which I think is completely fair, you can't like everyone. And this one just rubbed me the wrong way first time I met her. The last one isn't really hate on my part as much as sympathy annoyance. So there.

And Amph, if you'll notice, I didn't say I wouldn't talk to her, I said I had avoided her. For the simple reason that I didn't know what to say to her. Which is why I created this thread.

So there...

Oh yeah, and lack of communication from her side is business as usual! 90% of the time I'm the one who starts the conversation.

But here's to jumping to conclusions

If you ignore her when she needs to talk to you (like what amph does) and then promise to propose to her then let her sister get proposed to first by a guy who has been going out with her a much shorter time (like what amph does) then you can worry about what amph says.

Until then, I suggest you buy a cake that says 'Sorry I'm so bad at sex you can't remember it' and see what her response is. Or, you know, talk to her. Call her right now.

This post has been edited by Obdigore: 15 November 2012 - 02:58 AM