[Abyss]

Crap it's not raining in that pic.
My 80s flic fu is clearly rusty.

....probably safer without the rain tho'. Less dramatic tho. Prim should wait for rain.

[Garak]

Lots of rain. Not that five minute shower crap.

[Obdigore]

So... 'too drunk to say no' generally means passed out. Did you have sex with her while she was passed out? If so, then yes, you raped her. If not, and she was a willing participant, then there was no rape and you have nothing to worry about. Since you said she kept saying 'yes', you have nothing, morally to worry about.

I do suggest you get busy while sober just to see what its like.

Maybe you should tell her all this stuff you are thinking and see if she has any kind of problem with what you did? I would guess she has some questions as well that she has been hesitant to bring up to you.

Also, hit it again. Maybe do it with just a glass of wine each instead of a whole bottle? You could invite some friends over and make a party of it. You could start a whole organization called 'FFF'. Friends Fucking Friends.

This post has been edited by Obdigore: 14 November 2012 - 07:23 AM

[Garak]

What everyone seems to agree on, and is really good advice, is talk to her. It's the best way.

[Primateus]

Sinisdar Toste, on 14 November 2012 - 01:18 AM, said:

it's ok, he's run to her house and knocked on the door loudly while yelling her name. they're gonna work this out fine.

Yeah, no, that's not why I haven't answered until now.

I've just been mulling over your answers and thinking about what, and how, to do.

Okay, so I have seen her a couple of times after the fact and she didn't seem bothered, but then again, she can be pretty difficult to read sometimes.

Aptorius, on 13 November 2012 - 12:55 PM, said:

Oh stop it! Don't fucking beat yourself up because you've had the "politically correct, woman's rights, sex is bad and dangerous and serious business and kids come out of there and what about the mortgage and a woman's choice..." bull-shit stuffed down you and everyone else's throat for the past decade or more.

I'm sorry but this topic is one that really pisses me off. Not because date rape isn't a serious thing but because of the fear mongering that comes along with the awareness that surrounds it. It's like pedophelia. Suddenly I can't say hi to a child on a lawn with out getting a suspicious look and in this case, suddenly you can't get drunk and have stupid sex with out having to analyze every angle of the encounter and the motivations and emotions involved. You have to draw a line somewhere and I draw mine at the right to hit on drunk girls and have stupid sex in bushes.

Technically, I agree. I sometimes think it's gone a bit too far, this "we-have-to-be-careful-what-to-do-because-she's-shitfaced-drunk-and-that-might-be-the-only-reason-she-wants-to-have-sex-with-you-so-it's-not-really-consensual" thing. The problem I have though, is that it ain't neccessarily "rape" but neither is it neccessarily consensual. And my fear has been, since my friend and I don't have sex when sober, that she didn't really want to have sex with me and it was only because she was too drunk to really know what she was doing.

(Myself, I'm different, I do want to have sex with her when sober, but that has more to do with me and than it does her. There are many, many women I want to have sex with.)

Sombra, on 13 November 2012 - 12:56 PM, said:

Plus, if the above has any plausibility, what makes you think that it was YOU taking advantage of HER? Maybe it was the other way round? Women like it as much as we do, or so I read once in this magazine in a doctors waiting room.

That could very well be true and I'm sitting here feeling conflicted over nothing, but I don't know, so I do feel conflicted.

HiddenOne, on 13 November 2012 - 01:12 PM, said:

You are troubled but she is not? You are innocent my friend, of anything other than being too sensitive. Now can you recover the situation and re-affirm the friendship? You might even find a relationship that has improved since the sexual tension may be gone and you can settle into the friend zone once again.

I don't KNOW if she's troubled or not, that's kind of the problem, but I haven't been able to find a way to broach the subject with her without her thinking I'm suddenly madly in love with her or whatever. Oh yeah, and I also don't what her to think I'm pathetic or something like that But I'll be honest, I do want to have sex with her again. But as I mentioned above, that has more to do with me than her.
I'm pretty sure I'm innocent, but there's still that small voice screaming at me and it won't shut up. So I'm conflicted.

Use Of Weapons, on 13 November 2012 - 03:25 PM, said:

I'm afraid I disagree with those above who are saying 'totes consensual' above. The fact that there is a question in your mind is your clue that you need an answer -- and that answer has to come from her, not from the internet. But rather than writing a FEELINGSMAIL, I'd suggest inviting her to a chat somewhere public but where you can be relatively private, or get her to suggest somewhere that she feels comfortable. Tell her how you're feeling, and let her talk. Don't second-guess her, or try to impute motives before she's had a chance to tell you her side of the story. Listen. Then, whatever the outcome, tell her that you need some time to process what she said, whatever it was, and that if she wants you to get in touch, you'll do so after <time limit>.

After that, there are a few different ways it could go. But it starts off with finding out what she thinks happened. Use the time to figure out what you're going to change about yourself so that you turn turn into the guy you've said you don't want to be.

I don't do FEELINGSMAILs, so not to worry, that ain't happening. In any case, I'm having a get together with a bunch of friends for some grub and a stupid movie tomorrow and I've invited her and she has accepted. So I'll have a chat with her there at the end of the evening. Inviting her to someplace public and traditionally safe will most certainly make her suspicious of me, in a bad way, because we don't really do that.

End of Disc One, on 13 November 2012 - 06:43 PM, said:

I've encountered this a few times. I never believe it. The girl doesn't want you to think she's a slut, and having blackout drunk sex is somehow less slutty than having a sober one-nighter.

I don't know about you guys but I've had my share of blackouts, and I can't imagine completely not remembering sex.

Well, I've thought about that too, but she's been pretty consistant about having an atrocious memory when drinking in the 6 years I've know her, so I'm inclined to believe her. But thanks anyway

Briar King, on 13 November 2012 - 07:30 PM, said:

I'm wondering how old y'all are and no I'm not being a dick trying to ask. Lol

I, of course, being an utterly ancient 31 and she being on the verge of 26 (or there abouts).

masan, on 13 November 2012 - 08:30 PM, said:

Prim, has it occurred to you that the reason she doesn't remember is that you weren't that memorable ?

In all seriousness though, it sounds like she is a good friend and the bonk has confused things. Don't beat yourself up about it, talking about it will help.

Just don't talk about it in the pub.

Can't be, I'm fucking awesome! But I see what you mean

She is a good friend, yes, because she's kinda like me, but with breasts (except her infuriating fascination with twilight and sex and the city) So I should like that friendship to continue on. Don't get me wrong, sex doesn't ruin a friendship for me. I'm tempted to say that "With my mighty man-powers I'm more than capable of separating sex and emotions" but since that's not exclusively a male thing it would be kinda stupid to say it as anything other than a joke (and a dumb one at that)
No, what I mean is, as I explained, Had we had sex sober it wouldn't have bothered me even the slightest, but since we're not having sex when sober it stands to reason that she doesn't really want to have sex with me. Which, again, makes me rather conflicted.

Yes, I have a sad.

Vengeance, on 13 November 2012 - 10:10 PM, said:

Ask her back to your place and have soft music playing with candle light. Tell her that you want to discuss your relationship..

With her, that's a quick way to kick in the special place and a trip out over the balcony, but keep thinking outside the box

Briar King, on 13 November 2012 - 11:30 PM, said:

Prim why are you not commenting in this valued advice we are giving you? How long exactly has it been since this sex happened anyway?

Early September.

Sinisdar Toste, on 14 November 2012 - 01:18 AM, said:

it's ok, he's run to her house and knocked on the door loudly while yelling her name. they're gonna work this out fine.

Yeah, no...There ain't noway in hell I'd ever do something like that.

In any case folks, I thank you, humbly, for your much needed advice for a situation I've never found myself in before. Yeah, I've had drunken sex before, but this is the first time I've actually felt conflicted about it.

As I mentioned, I'm going to try and talk to her about it tomorrow and I'll see how that goes then.

Thanks bunches folks, you've all been great

[Primateus]

Obdigore, on 14 November 2012 - 07:21 AM, said:

So... 'too drunk to say no' generally means passed out. Did you have sex with her while she was passed out? If so, then yes, you raped her. If not, and she was a willing participant, then there was no rape and you have nothing to worry about. Since you said she kept saying 'yes', you have nothing, morally to worry about.

I do suggest you get busy while sober just to see what its like.

Maybe you should tell her all this stuff you are thinking and see if she has any kind of problem with what you did? I would guess she has some questions as well that she has been hesitant to bring up to you.

Also, hit it again. Maybe do it with just a glass of wine each instead of a whole bottle? You could invite some friends over and make a party of it. You could start a whole organization called 'FFF'. Friends Fucking Friends.

Nono, she was quite conscious...

I know myself well enough to say for certain there's absolutely no way IN HELL I'd have done anything to her, or anyone for that matter, is she'd been unconscious.

[pathos]

I do stuff with unconscious people all the time... mostly drawing mono-brows and moustaches on them with permanent marker.

[Obdigore]

Primateus, on 14 November 2012 - 08:42 AM, said:

Obdigore, on 14 November 2012 - 07:21 AM, said:

So... 'too drunk to say no' generally means passed out. Did you have sex with her while she was passed out? If so, then yes, you raped her. If not, and she was a willing participant, then there was no rape and you have nothing to worry about. Since you said she kept saying 'yes', you have nothing, morally to worry about.

I do suggest you get busy while sober just to see what its like.

Maybe you should tell her all this stuff you are thinking and see if she has any kind of problem with what you did? I would guess she has some questions as well that she has been hesitant to bring up to you.

Also, hit it again. Maybe do it with just a glass of wine each instead of a whole bottle? You could invite some friends over and make a party of it. You could start a whole organization called 'FFF'. Friends Fucking Friends.

Nono, she was quite conscious...

I know myself well enough to say for certain there's absolutely no way IN HELL I'd have done anything to her, or anyone for that matter, is she'd been unconscious.

Tell her she was amazing and ask if she is interested in a casual relationship, or if she prefers it to be a one night thing.

[Garak]

pathos, on 14 November 2012 - 09:01 AM, said:

I do stuff with unconscious people all the time... mostly drawing mono-brows and moustaches on them with permanent marker.

I think we've all done that. Except I've used tooth paste. And once woken up with a lit candle on my chest.



Hope it all works out for you Prim. Ah, the wisdom of the Internet people has saved another soul... right. Tell us how it goes.

[LinearPhilosopher]

pathos, on 14 November 2012 - 09:01 AM, said:

I do stuff with unconscious people all the time... mostly drawing mono-brows and moustaches on them with permanent marker.

you're the kind of person i keep an eye out for at parties.

[pathos]

BalrogLord, on 14 November 2012 - 09:24 AM, said:

pathos, on 14 November 2012 - 09:01 AM, said:

I do stuff with unconscious people all the time... mostly drawing mono-brows and moustaches on them with permanent marker.

you're the kind of person i keep an eye out for at parties.

I have done it a fair amount... but only to people who have started it by doing it to me first... Only thing is people cant really tell if it is real or marker with me

[Primateus]

Obdigore, on 14 November 2012 - 09:18 AM, said:

Tell her she was amazing and ask if she is interested in a casual relationship, or if she prefers it to be a one night thing.

Nah, I don't think she'd be up for that and while it's something I'd certainly like, at least y'know, friends with benefits (because....sex, right?), it's not really something I need.

[Primateus]

pathos, on 14 November 2012 - 09:28 AM, said:

BalrogLord, on 14 November 2012 - 09:24 AM, said:

pathos, on 14 November 2012 - 09:01 AM, said:

I do stuff with unconscious people all the time... mostly drawing mono-brows and moustaches on them with permanent marker.

you're the kind of person i keep an eye out for at parties.

I have done it a fair amount... but only to people who have started it by doing it to me first... Only thing is people cant really tell if it is real or marker with me

Yeah, my uni-brow also makes it kind of pointless to do that to me...

[Obdigore]

Primateus, on 14 November 2012 - 09:33 AM, said:

Obdigore, on 14 November 2012 - 09:18 AM, said:

Tell her she was amazing and ask if she is interested in a casual relationship, or if she prefers it to be a one night thing.

Nah, I don't think she'd be up for that and while it's something I'd certainly like, at least y'know, friends with benefits (because....sex, right?), it's not really something I need.

Just talk to her. Booze removes inhibitions, it does not create desire. If she was down with getting all nasty dirty sexy party with you while drunk, there is some seed/kernel of want there. She could be fine with the occasional booty call or w/e.

[Primateus]

Obdigore, on 14 November 2012 - 09:36 AM, said:

Primateus, on 14 November 2012 - 09:33 AM, said:

Obdigore, on 14 November 2012 - 09:18 AM, said:

Tell her she was amazing and ask if she is interested in a casual relationship, or if she prefers it to be a one night thing.

Nah, I don't think she'd be up for that and while it's something I'd certainly like, at least y'know, friends with benefits (because....sex, right?), it's not really something I need.

Just talk to her. Booze removes inhibitions, it does not create desire. If she was down with getting all nasty dirty sexy party with you while drunk, there is some seed/kernel of want there. She could be fine with the occasional booty call or w/e.

It also helps you overcome revulsion...

[Obdigore]

Primateus, on 14 November 2012 - 09:49 AM, said:

Obdigore, on 14 November 2012 - 09:36 AM, said:

Primateus, on 14 November 2012 - 09:33 AM, said:

Obdigore, on 14 November 2012 - 09:18 AM, said:

Tell her she was amazing and ask if she is interested in a casual relationship, or if she prefers it to be a one night thing.

Nah, I don't think she'd be up for that and while it's something I'd certainly like, at least y'know, friends with benefits (because....sex, right?), it's not really something I need.

Just talk to her. Booze removes inhibitions, it does not create desire. If she was down with getting all nasty dirty sexy party with you while drunk, there is some seed/kernel of want there. She could be fine with the occasional booty call or w/e.

It also helps you overcome revulsion...

Beta as fuck.

[Primateus]

that does not compute for me? What does that mean?

[Obdigore]

Primateus, on 14 November 2012 - 09:59 AM, said:

that does not compute for me? What does that mean?

Pretty much

Spoiler

Stop being a bitch and handle your stuff

. Go talk to her. And if she doesn't want to have random sexual encounters, date her sister/brother/father/mother for revenge. Problem solved.

This post has been edited by Obdigore: 14 November 2012 - 10:00 AM

[Primateus]

Obdigore, on 14 November 2012 - 10:00 AM, said:

Primateus, on 14 November 2012 - 09:59 AM, said:

that does not compute for me? What does that mean?

Pretty much

Spoiler

Stop being a bitch and handle your stuff

. Go talk to her. And if she doesn't want to have random sexual encounters, date her sister/brother/father/mother for revenge. Problem solved.

I'm not going to talk to her about random sexual encounters because I don't need that with her, and it's not really worth potentially ruining a good friendship over.

[Obdigore]

You tell her what you told us in this thread, and see what she says. Then you decide where stuff goes from there.