[Ain't_It_Just_]

That was so.....

"big sniff"

BEAUTIFUL!

"collapses into tears"

[Aptorian]

http://www.reddit.co...ure_pic/c0abkbl

Quote

Industry Talk - A one-act play by CaspianX2

.

Music CD: Hey, guys, that illegal downloading sure does suck, doesn't it?

DVD: Oh, yeah.

Videogame: Absolutely.

CD: Yeah, my business has been really down latelybecause of those pirating bastards. I'm sure you guys are having thesame problem, right?

DVD: Um...

VG: Well...

CD: Wait, your business hasn't gone down every year for the past decade?

DVD: Um... not as such...

VG: Actually, I'm doing pretty good, all things considering.

CD: But the economy...

DVD: Oh, yeah, ouch.

VG: Yeah, tough year.

CD: But your sales...?

DVD: Pretty damn good.

VG: Don't mean to brag, but... well, through theroof. With all due respect to you gents, my numbers are probably higherthan the two of you combined right now.

DVD: Show-off...

CD: Really? What's your secret? Do you guys have some sort of anti-piracy technology I don't?

DVD: Well, my files are a bit bigger, I guess...

VG: And my developers try stuff like proprietaryformats, registration codes... but usually I can't get too fancy withthat stuff or people start to boycott. Man, you should've seen thattime I tried Starforce. It was nasty.

CD: But the different formats and codes... they work, right?

VG: Eh. Anyone who really wants to pirate a gamecan do it without too much hassle. Hell, PC games often get piratedbefore they're even released!

DVD: Oh, that happens to me too! You guys heard about that shit with Wolverine, right?

VG: Oh, yeah, tough break.

CD: Oh yeah. The filmmakers didn't make a dime off of that one, right?

DVD: Oh, no. They totally made bank, and it'll beanother big payday when it hits home video, for sure. Hell, some peoplehave even argued that the leak made for great pre-release publicity!

CD: Wait, wait, wait... so you guys have piracy, too...

VG: In all fairness, probably not quite as bad as yours.

CD: Yeah, but... if more or less anyone who wantsto get a free game or movie can do it, how do you turn a profit? Imean, why would anyone buy you guys when they could just download you?

DVD: Well, come on, not everyone can pirate stuffon the internet. I mean, most people are pretty clueless when it comesto that stuff.

VG: As much as I hate it, most of the people downloading probably wouldn't be buying the stuff anyway.

CD: So what am I doing wrong? Why have my sales gone to shit?

DVD: Hmm... well, what are you selling?

CD: What? Oh, maybe an hour of mu-

DVD: Oh, come on, you don't need to lie to us. We know better. Be honest now.

CD: Er... the license to listen to about an hour of music.

VG: For...?

CD: I dunno... $10-15?

DVD: Hmm... that sounds a bit steep.

CD: What? That's totally worth it!

DVD: Well, I'm $10-20 for usually about 2-4 hours. So that's kinda' like twice the value, isn't it?

VG: I'm $20-60 for anywhere from usually eight hours to fifty or so.

CD: Fifty hours!?

VG: Well, with some games. Of course, there areothers where you could spend hundreds... even thousands of hours onthem. And of course there's the multiplayer stuff, which could last aperson forever.

CD: Well, a person could listen to the same twelve songs over and over again, too.

DVD: All twelve songs?

CD: Well... actually... usually about half of them are crap... and only one or two of them are really good.

iTunes: Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late. What's up? Arewe talking about value? Because man, people just can't seem to getenough of me! Picking and choosing the songs they like for a buck ortwo apiece... it's like there was this whole market just waiting forsomeone to-

CD: YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

iTunes: Huh?

CD: You asshole! You're killing me!

VG: I thought you said pirates were killing you.

CD: They both are!

DVD: Um... maybe people just don't think you're worth what you're charging. Have you ever considered lowering your prices?

CD: Hey, in the last twenty years I've gone down a whole five dollars! Isn't that enough?

DVD: Umm...

CD: Oh, you shut up! What about you, Mr. $60 videogame? How do you justify staying so expensive?

VG: Increased cost of development. Have your development costs increased exponentially over the last decade?

CD: Well... it's... SHUT UP!

iTunes: Music companies have done a lot of haggling over the cost of royalties, so it's tough for me to maintain my prices.

CD: AS WELL THEY SHOULD! You're only hurting their CD sales!

iTunes: But I cut out about fifty middlemen between them and the retail stores, and a lot of the overhead costs as well!

CD: Well, you know what? Screw you guys and your"value". I deserve to be making as much money as I want and that'sthat! And I don't care what you say, the reason I'm not selling so welllately is obvious - it's the damn internet and its damn pirates and itsdamn iTunes... well, I have an answer for that. Call my lawyer, it'stime to sue, sue, sue! I'll sue everyone! I'll sue YouTube! I'll sue mycustomers! I'll sue so much I'll be just as famous for my lawyers as Iam for my music!

iTunes: You really expect everyone to start buying from you again once you do everything possible to make them hate you?

CD: Why not? It's not like they'll have anyone else to go to for their entertainment!

DVD, VG, & iTunes: .....

Fin.

[cauthon]

Haha! It's funny cos it's true ;-)

[Tiste Simeon]

Brilliant...

[Cold Iron]

I bought the new muse cd yesterday. Slightly disappointing. But only AU$20, with a "making of" dvd, so this is like 33% reduced price + additional value from when CDs were new.

[Slow Ben]

I dont get it....

[Sinisdar Toste]

hahaha CI, that was a gem!

[Aptorian]

http://www.reddit.co..._kitten_attack/

Quote

While in college, I livedin a house that I rented (with a few other roommates). This house wasnext to a vacant lot. Well, the lot was vacant of a house, though itwas home to a stray cat.

I knew the (human) neighbor prior to moving in, and on Sundays wewould grill out behind his house on his large stone/brick grill. Oneparticular Sunday we were visited by a momma cat and a few feralkittens. These adorable baby animals were very shy, and would run ifyou stood up. But hunger quickly overcame shyness, and they would eatany scraps you threw to them.

Over the next few Sundays a cautious trust was established betweenthe cats and us. One little black kitten in particular was hardly shyat all. This one black kitten caught my eye, and I made up my mind to“rescue” it.

A week or two later, I have the day off work, and I’m hanging out atmy house in my pajama pants and a t-shirt. I had a busy day planned ofplaying video games and grilling meat. I step out on my front porch andfire up my grill. Before I’m done cooking, my little visitors show upfor a free meal. Only this time the mother is nowhere to be seen.

Now is my chance.

I place a “bread crumb” trail of cat treats from the stairs to upthe porch to where I’m standing. Leading the way is the little blackkitten. Ninja fast I grab my new little kitten.

And then it happens…

My last lucid thought was that my cat, Retzen, was about to have a new playmate. That thought quickly changed.

The moment I touched this kitten (read: demon), it screams with abloodlust howl never heard before by human ears. This howlempowers/buffs the kittens surrounding me and instantly they fluff upsuper saiyan style to twice their size.

Then they attack.

This is no kung-fu movie; they do not wait and attack me one at atime. They are as relentless as (fluffy) zombies, and never give me amoments rest.

One minute I’m grilling chicken. The next I have a severelylacerated forearm from a screaming kitten who has now morphed into a(still screaming) misengineered blender with the blades on the outside.Not only that… I’m being climbed, cut, clawed, pounced, ripped, bitten,scraped, scratched, mangled and eviscerated by a half dozen of itssiblings.

Here I am, a full grown male in his 20’s and I’m being felled bymere claw and fur weighing half a pound each. So I go on the defensive.I tuck in the tiny, black, demon kitten with my right hand, so he can’tget away. With my left hand free, I start swatting away the otherkittens attacking/climbing/besieging my legs.

Had I planned this ahead of time, I would have worn some sort ofarmor. Alas, this day my only armor is a thin pair of pajama pants anda t-shirt. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would have thismuch trouble from a kitten.

Struggling for freedom, my captured kitten lands his killing blow.Tucked like a football, and drenched in my own blood, he wiggles freeenough to bite what would normally be a pair of jeans. Oddly enough,this was the kitten’s lucky day. Rather than biting my leg, he grabshold of my manhood through my pajama pants.

I now know this cat is pure, unadulterated evil.

It is now my turn to let out a howl of my own as I pull off thekitten still dangling by its teeth from my lower extremity. Once freeof the circumcising beast, I chase the kittens off my porch, and runinside to tend my wounds.

The kittens were never seen again…

(Side note: How fast can you google what to do on the off chance aferal kitten teeth-pierces your Glans while currently bleeding fromboth of your forearms and hands?)

(tldr: I went to grab a kitten. It bit my dick.)

[Sinisdar Toste]

oh man, this reminds me of that story of the guy who thought he could rope a deer.

they're wild animals man! they go wild!

[Tiste Simeon]

"The circumcising beast..."

[Aptorian]

Quote

My bro had one that was interesting. It was on his birthday.

Guy shows up for an interview dressed in a seersucker (sp?) suit and velvet shoes and an afro on a skinny tall guy.

His resume is outstanding (really, really outstanding) and it list some of the biggest deals ever under his accomlishments.

He starts asking questions about it and the guys says he's able to do these things because he is a psychic.

He gets freaked out about this and figures the guys a fake so he starts downplaying the interview to bring it to an end when the guy says "You don't believe me, do you?"

He says it's not his job to believe him, just to make sure he was qualified and starts talking about how this is just a prelim interview and so on when the guy cuts him off and starts telling my bro about his life.

He tells him everything starting with the fact it's his birthday and nobody got him anything, where he was born, what he had for dinner the entire week, things he did when he was a kid. The guy covered everything.

He also talked about his private life, his wife, her birthday,exgirlfriends, old dogs, birthmarks, etc. Totally freaked him out. Then the guy got up and left and said

"I hope you believe me know, I can make you very rich and veryfamous. As an act of good faith, I'll prove it to you once more by giving you a gift. Go downstairs after this interview and, you should write this down, and play 5, 27, 46, 49, 61 and 77 on the lotto. You can call me anytime with your offer." then walked out.

My bro waits 10 minutes then he's off like a shot to the lotto store. And he gets the biggest suprise of his life.

All of his co-workers, his wife, the family and the guy in a seersucker suit all standing in there and yell "SUPRISE!

This post has been edited by Aptorian: 19 September 2009 - 09:51 AM

[Aptorian]

http://www.reddit.co..._family_values/

The aristocrats joke made political. Warning, bad words and mental imagery involved. Don't read if you're a die hard republican:

Spoiler

Quote

Rude crude and so true. RIP GOP, may they rot in hell.

Driftglass's version of the Aristocrats joke GOP style.

The Republican Party walks into the American people’s living rooms,and says, "We're the Family Value’s Party, and we'd like to representyou."

The American People say, "Sorry, but we’re a little leery of Family Values parties. They tend to be scams run by demagogues.”

Republican Party says, "But this is really special."

The American People says, "Okay, well what's the act?"

The Republican Party replies, "Well after the worst attack onAmerican soil in history, we hijack the nation's grief and rage toplunge us into a war with entirely the wrong country.

“Then we let the actual terrorist responsible for the attack to sitin a comfy chair on the edge of the stage and laugh and laugh and laughfor the duration of the performance.

“The Mainstream Press then comes out, bends over and we take themviolently and repeatedly from behind by jamming giant lies up theirpoop chutes, which come spurting out of their mouths the next day as'authoritative reporting'. Then we cite our own regurgitated lies asindependent ‘proof’ that we're right.

“Meanwhile Fox News and Hate Radio will peel the flesh from thefallen soldiers (whose flag-draped coffins are to be kept strictlyhidden during the entire act. Out of, y’know, respect), wrap themselvesin their skin, the Flag and the Bible and spend the rest of the act asa kind of Rich White Greek Chorus, screaming that anyone who is not inthe act is a traitor.

“They will also hypnotically repeat ‘9/11/Iraq/Saddam Hussein/Osamabin Laden’ over and over and over again until any distinctions betweenthem become magically invisible.

“We then wheel a brain-dead body on the stage named Terri Schiavo,and proceed to use it to defile both the institution of marriage andthe sanctity of life…in the name of the Jesus. And then the Presidenthimself will interrupt one of his many vacations to make a specialguest appearance and sign a special law to do this.

“Our ‘maverick’ candidates then come out, set fire to theirremaining principles, and slither though their own shit to kiss JerryFalwell’s pasty, pestilent ass.

“Then a kick-line of severely wounded veterans of our illegal warhobble across the stage, are locked into tiny rooms crawling with ratsand roaches, and are left to sit in their own waste.

“The stage will be ringed by White Male Conservative FundamentalistEvangelical on tall pulpits who will repetitively rant about thefeminists, queers, Darwin and the ACLU oppressing and destroyingChristian America while urinating continuously on the proceedings. Tospice it up a little, every now and then one of the White MaleConservative Fundamentalist Evangelical preachers will smoke methand/or orally pleasure some young gentleman volunteer from the audience.

“The daughter of the Vice President will stand under the shower ofConservative urine and sing a merry song about her great love of theFamily Values of her Father and her Party.

”Then ‐ live and on stage -- she and her lesbian lover will then give birth to a child out of wedlock.

“Every six minutes a voice will shout from offstage ‘Who is to blamefor this horror show?’ and everyone on stage will shout back ‘SlickWillie!’ in unison.

“Every four minutes a spotlight will pick out various Family Valuesleaders in the wings engaged in various acts of including but notlimited to sex with a gay prostitute, sex as a gay prostitute,attempting to solicit gay sex from young boys, embezzling funds fromdisabled veterans, stealing from native Americans, looting and thenbusting out various massive corporations, rigging elections, sellingsoldiers tainted food and toilet water at premium prices, attackingsenior citizens for hating soldiers and loving “teh gay”

“And so forth…”

The American People look very uncomfortable, but the Republican Party continues…

“This will be followed by a series of what we call Ironic Soliloquies.

“First, one of our Faith Based 'scientists' will sodomize a baby polar bear with the worlds 'Global Warming' painted on its fur.

“Second, the head of the agency in charge of responding to nationalemergencies will let an entire American city die. No expense will bespared in making this as realistic as possible, including the mockingof the dead, the dying and the devastated as being 'lazy and stupid'...

“Third, the top Law Enforcement Officer in the country will torturea series of bound prisoners live, soak the writ of Habeas Corpus inkerosene and set in alight, smash the machinery of democracy, all “TheSecretary of Defense will then fuck an entire country into the ground,destroy the military, lie until his ass actually falls off, and mockanyone who asks honest questions.

“Then, for laughs, the Vice President will shoot a guy. An old guy. In the face.

“The old guy will then profusely apologize for getting in the way of the Vice President’s buckshot.”

The Republican Party pauses, smiling, and then continues:

"This is the best part: the President of the United States thencomes back onstage in a flight suit and a massive codpiece, struts overthe dead and wounded, over our ruined national reputation, over ourfailing schools, over our crippling debt, and praises every one of usfor the brilliant job we have done, and passes out Presidential Medal’sof Freedom.

“Then a giant banner reading ‘Mission Accomplished’ drops out theceiling, and 29% of the audience applauds wildly as we all get up andtake a bow."

The Republican Party looks at the American People and says, "Well, that's the act. What do you think?"

The American People just sit there stunned for a long time. Finallythey say, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call yourselves?"

"The Aristocrats!"

[Aptorian]

http://www.smokingme...?threadid=81831

Quote

Great birthday gift idea… A pocket Taser….or so I thought.


Last weekend I saw something at Loftis Jewelers & Pawn Shop that caught my eye.

The occasion was a birthday. I was looking for a little something extrafor my wife, the charming Mrs. Rivet. What I came across was a1,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser weresupposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on yourassailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.

Sounded good; she teaches at the University and in the winter after night classes, this could be handy!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded twoAAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing. I wasdisappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button ANDpressed it against a metal surface at the same time; i'd get the bluearc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Cool!

I have yet to explain to her what that burn spot is on the face of thestove’s touch-control panel that we spent $300 to replace last year.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that itcouldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my chair, my cat Olive looking on intently (trustinglittle soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that Ireally needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood movingtarget.

I must admit I thought about zapping Olive (for a fraction of a second)or her brother Dac (which she would have been very happy to see zapped)and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat…all kindness andclaws. Dac…well, he is our resident goofball; uncoordinated on his bestdays. Certainly not a fair target.

Hmmm…. if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herselfagainst a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work asadvertised. Right?

So, there I sat in my favourite pair of shorts and tee-shirt with myglasses on my head, directions in one hand, and taser in another. Ihave 20-20 close-up vision, so my glasses go up on my head when I read,and come down when I really want to see.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorientan assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasmsand a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst wouldpurportedly make the assailant flop on the ground like a fish out ofwater.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5'long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and(loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself,“no way!”

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I was sitting there alone, Olive looking on with her head cocked to oneside as to say, ' don't do it idiot,' reasoning that a one second burstfrom such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decidedto give myself a one second burst. I touched the prongs to my nakedthigh, pushed the button, and ...

HOLY WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION ! ~ PAIN!!!!!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked meup in the recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet, over and overand over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tearsin my eyes, body soaking wet, chest on fire, with my left arm tuckedunder my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

Important Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with ataser, one note of caution : there is no such thing as a one secondburst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until itis dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.A three second burst would be considered conservative….

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing atthat point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up andsurveyed the landscape. My bent glasses were on the woodstove. Thechair was upside down and about 3 feet or so from where it originallywas. My triceps, right thigh and chest were still twitching. My facefelt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I did lose control of my bodily functions, but was too numbto know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smokecloud above my head which I believe was from my hair.

Fortunately, I did get a chance to clean up and straighten up the room, since she had an evening class.

-----------------------

By the way, look at the forum link. It's a forum called smoking meat. It's basically a BBQ and meat lovining community that has 18,000 members with numerous forums about cooking meat and forums for each seperate type of meat. That's pretty awesome.

[Aptorian]

http://www.smokingme...?threadid=81831

Quote

The Pickle Jar

The pickle jar as far back as I can remember sat on the floor beside the
dresser in my parents' bedroom. When he got ready for bed, Dad would
empty his pockets and toss his coins into the jar.

As a small boy I was always fascinated at the sounds the coins made as
they were dropped into the jar. They landed with a merry jingle when the
jar was almost empty. Then the tones gradually muted to a dull thud as
the jar was filled.

I used to squat on the floor in front of the jar and admire the copper
and silver circles that glinted like a pirate's treasure when the sun
poured through the bedroom window. When the jar was filled, Dad would
sit at the kitchen table and roll the coins before taking them to the
bank.

Taking the coins to the bank was always a big production. Stacked neatly
in a small cardboard box, the coins were placed between Dad and me on the
seat of his old truck.

Each and every time, as we drove to the bank, Dad would look at me
hopefully. 'Those coins are going to keep you out of the textile mill,
son You're going to do better than me. This old mill town's not going to
hold you back.'

Also, each and every time, as he slid the box of rolled coins across the
counter at the bank toward the cashier, he would grin proudly 'These are
for my son's college fund. He'll never work at the mill all his life like
me.'

We would always celebrate each deposit by stopping for an ice cream cone.
I always got chocolate. Dad always got vanilla. When the clerk at the
ice cream parlor handed Dad his change, he would show me the few coins
nestled in his palm. 'When we get home, we'll start filling the jar
again.' He always let me drop the first coins into the empty jar. As
they rattled around with a brief, happy jingle, we grinned at each other.
'You'll get to college on pennies, nickels, dimes and quarters,' he said.
'But you'll get there; I'll see to that.'
No matter how rough things got at home, Dad continued to doggedly drop
his coins into the jar. Even the summer when Dad got laid off from the
mill, and Mama had to serve dried beans several times a week, not a
single dime was taken from the jar.

To the contrary, as Dad looked across the table at me, pouring catsup
over my beans to make them more palatable, he became more determined than
ever to make a way out for me. 'When you finish college, Son,' he told
me, his eyes glistening, 'You'll never have to eat beans again - unless
you want to.'

The years passed, and I finished college and took a job in another town.
Once, while visiting my parents, I used the phone in their bedroom, and
noticed that the pickle jar was gone. It had served its purpose and had
been removed.

A lump rose in my throat as I stared at the spot beside the dresser where
the jar had always stood. My dad was a man of few words, and never
lectured me on the values of determination, perseverance, and faith. The
pickle jar had taught me all these virtues far more eloquently than the
most flowery of words could have done. When I married, I told my wife
Susan about the significant part the lowly pickle jar had played in my
life as a boy. In my mind, it defined, more than anything else, how much
my dad had loved me.

The first Christmas after our daughter Jessica was born, we spent the
holiday with my parents. After dinner, Mom and Dad sat next to each
other on the sofa, taking turns cuddling their first grandchild. Jessica
began to whimper softly, and Susan took her from Dad's arms. 'She
probably needs to be changed,' she said, carrying the baby into my
parents' bedroom to diaper her. When Susan came back into the living
room, there was a strange mist in her eyes.

She handed Jessica back to Dad before taking my hand and leading me into
the room. 'Look,' she said softly, her eyes directing me to a spot on
the floor beside the dresser. To my amazement, there, as if it had never
been removed, stood the old pickle jar, the bottom already covered with
coins. I walked over to the pickle jar, dug down into my pocket, and
pulled out a fistful of coins. With a gamut of emotions choking me, I
dropped the coins into the jar. I looked up and saw that Dad, carrying
Jessica, had slipped quietly into the room. Our eyes locked, and I knew
he was feeling the same emotions I felt. Neither one of us could speak.

This truly touched my heart. I know it has yours as well. Sometimes we
are so busy adding up our troubles that we forget to count our blessings.


Never underestimate the power of your actions. With one small gesture
you can change a person's life, for better or for worse.

This post has been edited by Aptorian: 20 September 2009 - 06:52 AM

[Aptorian]

Quote

I woke up my flatmate(room-mate if you're American) by holding a lukewarm, skin colouredsausage in my fly with mayo on the end, leaning over him, &slapping it repeatedly on his cheek and moaning in pleasure whilesaying his name.

He would have killed me if he'd had a knife or a gun

[Aptorian]

http://www.craigslis...1280450188.html

Spoilered because it's adult content, but so very funny.

Spoiler

Quote

To The People Buying and Renting Porn at My Store
Date: 2009-07-20, 9:52PM EDT

Dear Porn Purchaser,

1. I'll say this one time only: we do not accept returns unless themovie you purchased is defective in some way. This means the moviedoesn't play. This does not mean that the video was not long enough,didn't feature enough fucking, didn't feature enough money shots,featured too many dicks and not enough pussy, featured too many pussiesand not enough dicks or any other content-based complaint you may have.You bought it, you wanked to it and now its yours. Forever. kthxbye.

2. If your movie is defective, you have two (2) days to return itwith the receipt and original package. This means if you purchase themovie on Monday morning, you have until Wednesday evening to bring itback. This means when you return the movie, you have to have thatlittle piece of paper we give you when we sell you the movie and thecover and box must be intact. It's possible, but very unlikely, that wedidn't give you a receipt. It's impossible that you didn't get thepackaging. That's just ridiculous. Oh, and if you return a movie, Iwill put the movie in our DVD player to make sure it doesn't work. Yes,that's right. I'm college educated and I get to check porn for defectsat work. My parents sure are proud.

3. Seriously, who purchases porn anymore? Have you ever heard of theinternet? Well, in case you haven't, it's a magical series of tubesthat gives you access to a plethora of pornography you cannot evenimagine. Pornography beyond your wildest dreams! And, better yet, it'sfree!

4. Seriously, who rents porn anymore? Please see #3.

5. Why are you so fucking picky about your pornography? I reallydon't understand. It's a movie. With people fucking each other. A lot.The movies are separated into broad genres in our movie section foryour convenience. You can find run of the mill people fucking eachother a lot movies, movies with only black people fucking each other alot, interracial groupings fucking each other a lot, only men fuckingeach other a lot, only women fucking each other a lot, people fuckingeach other a lot and doing kinky shit at the same time, and so on. It'spretty basic and usually, the titles describe what is going to happenin the movie pretty well. "Big Black Poles in White Holes," forinstance, says a lot about what the movie will be about. So do titleslike "Giant Goo Covered Jugs," "Girls Kissing Girls," "Anal Addiction,""Big Wet Asses," "Enema Queens," and "Hairy Cooter Bonanza." Usually,you don't have to think a lot about what a movie is about (other thanfucking, of course) - pornography isn't known for being demure.

6. I have not seen every movie in our collection so I can't tell youwhether "Giant Greeze Covered Asses" is better than "Big Wet BootyPoppin' Booty." To be honest, I don't even like pornography. Even if Idid, I wouldn't tell you about my pornography watching habits. Pleaseuse your own discretion in determining which movie is right for you.

7. I can help you find movies by title, studio or star. If you don'thave a specific title, studio or star you are looking for, please limityour question asking. We have thousands of movies and I'm not going tolook through them to help you find a movie featuring doublepenetration, strap ons, interracial couplings, and hairy women coveredin oil wearing rubber. Take your specific fetishes to the internet.Please see #3 and 4.

8. Some of you rent or purchase multiple movies every day or so. Doyou have a job? Do you do anything except watch porn? How have you notmasturbated yourself retarded at this point? Seriously...calm down alittle bit and, for the love of God, save yourself some money and get acomputer and internet access.

Thanks and have a nice day,

Your Friendly Adult Store Clerk

[Aptorian]

Another good bash quote:

Quote

<popemichael>I was in line to buy a new DVD player. The woman in front of me was having something delivered.
<popemichael> The clerk asked for her 'street name' she replied "I don't have one I go by Shanice."

[Slow Ben]

Dont know if this is true, but its kinda cool.


Psychopath Test



Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result.

This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has got it right.

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did
not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her
dream guy so much, that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked
for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.

Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?
[Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below]
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Answer: She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you
answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a
famous American psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer.

Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly.
If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you

[Aptorian]

That's "interesting". I luckily got it wrong.

[Morgoth]

Aptorian, on 24 September 2009 - 05:49 AM, said:

That's "interesting". I luckily got it wrong.

of course you did