[Aptorian]

Quote

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle.
Then I realised God doesn’t work that way, so I stoleone and prayed for forgiveness.

- Emo Philips

[Cold Iron]

I for one appreciate threads like this and I'm far more likely to read them rather than go out and find shit to contribute to them, so I say carry on!

[HoosierDaddy]

Wow, we are taking quotes way far here. Really funny stuff, but these tend to be stories, not quotes.

I'd be a pedantic bear, but technically, you are not being pedantic.

[cauthon]

HoosierDaddy, on Aug 18 2009, 09:20 AM, said:

Wow, we are taking quotes way far here. Really funny stuff, but these tend to be stories, not quotes.

Topic says: 'Awesome/Weird/Funny Arse Quotes (So SFW)'

:-)

Quote

<Josh> I don't understand why churches and 'family groups' spend millions of dollars a year on abstinence-only instruction when a World of Warcraft account only costs fifteen dollars a month and has a much better record of ensuring virginity.

Quote

<NimF> The lesbians next door bought me a rolex for my birthday.
<NimF> I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch...

[Aptorian]

The thread is for things you find around on the internet in written form. You can quote an entire 10 page university report or a funny one liner. It's up to you.

[HoosierDaddy]

Thus, the "I'd be pedantic" but you are all actually quoting stuff,and quoting accurately! Lol.

[Ain't_It_Just_]

"History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it."-Winston Churchill

And from a very amusing t-shirt:

I'M NOT AS THINK AS YOU DRUNK I AM

[D'rek]

Besides, if you're going to quote from bash.org you *have* to post the 4 bloodninja ones...


Anyhoo, here's "2002: A Palindrome Story" by Nick Montfort and William Gillespie. The 7-size font is the middle of the palindrome. While there are plenty of much longer palindromes, most of them are just random collections of words. Not only is this one structured into sentences, but it makes sense and is a story, to boot!

2002: A Palindrome Story said:

2002 demands lore—aside Roman-era eye, non-idyl. Guerilla muse, we call, rig. Yo! Brag us an ode- tale.

O readers, meet Bob. (Elapse, year! Be glass! Arc!) Bob's a gem. O, hot Bob, now one decimal, debased ullage. Pen, if Bob—saga's sage motif—set arenas. Sideman Bob: X. All eve, loner: go. Goddesses, Bob? (Arc!) No bellissima? A dank cab spans 2002's Bob.

2002 spots Bob. Emit one—not a tone radios emit, no. On tape: epic in a pod, dark cassettes in an aspirer. Bob keeps tips, secret—; tapes unacted acts aloud: Sore, I tire. My, a sad day ... a D-Day! I saw stars: a diva maid, a lass, Babs. Salad I am, avid as rats was I ... yadda, yadda ... say, merit I eros? Bob ("salad," net tape edger) dates a plug. O, yep—attuned. Lo, no easy alphas pan Bob.

Bob's a hero, level. O, ordinary! An elite galoot. No DNA, no evil star, Bob. Damn. O, tips! Snug evil spans, spins Bob.

"Parting is a torture, Pa," Bob, damp, says—"sob!" Bob's Pa's—"Rot I!"—dead. Negation, passed on. On, sunray: a dim alley step, one garret's. Afoot, alive, too meta, held in a red, null anode—dawn. Awe, wonder.

Bob's Bob, a knob, again: a man ill or tired, nude. Bad doom operates. Pus oozes, abed, in swarded rag, red. "Dastard! Do evil, demon: evade tax! If I slip up—loophole, pal." Bonsai Lager—"Damnit!" as Bob spins, braggart. Sudden madness: elder trap, minor cad. Bob sees a set—a base tome: "Ariadne, I felt, negates heros [sic]."

Spun: one poem. It spans Bob, Bob's eyes. (Babs arises a barista.) Suez albatross a Suez dog? No—it's egg use. (Niftier if Bob did nugatory deeds.) Bob's serge: Bob has no orc—six Arpanet foes! Umbrage of nine men robs Bob. One ... nil. Sags, race car a nib. Mob a sex if evil—a dog, Bob. "Wonder I, we sack narcotic?" It saps, not sips. Gulp! Spite reversed over Bob. Er, got it a dew angel? Bam! It seemed a cadet car. Terror, redness: Babs's Pops, Mom.

Otto saw timid Anna: back row, Tarot Arte. Prep a deli; Anna made caffes. "Babs, a gulp?" Deli a sad AM radio veil.

"To no dreg," gums Babs. "Tips, eh?"

"No tips!"

"Name most a tool, emu!"

"Love rots."

"Abandon it, if far gone. Revolt now, Anna!"

Nor pass a bar: Tarot Arte—pay tic—a parrot is oped. Otto lives, uh ... there. "So, Lenin is an ass, an ape!" Yet arise, elf: red robot Otto. Otto's pals are no dots: a Mega Red Ice Cider, an "eh?" towards Babs, salt. "Ah, the bar!" As Babs eyes Otto; flees, abated, acrid ... and, Arab angel, all up. Otto sees decals, Babs (a sub-rosa "Barbara Rabas") at a bar. Eel—gulp! One Suez is a man, a plan ... a clan, as "Rabas." Otto meets Regal Lager. Snug art? No CPU, no sage modem. Otto beheld (O!) only dim rot. Sad ass, aware: nadir, a doom. Regal Lager taste got to flow on Okinawa: Japan's Noh.

Type it, Bob; abuse vi and—"Abracadabra! Cabala!" Nitro terminal, .EXEs. Bob, nose Mandelbrot codes! A coder.

Noon saw tidal flow: "One sub!" as Babs wore her "Eh?" wonder apron. "Latte!" "Bagel!" "Emit a wonk now!" "Or worse—portfolios!" Busy ... more! "Ho!"

Bob, dash onward. Bob, aper, goes in a parrot café. Babs works at fixing a bagel. Bob's eyes order a bagel. No, Bob has a salad as saturated AC flows past it. Café, not sap. Welfare? Demitasse, lemon, or tempeh? Megatarts.

Bob's eyes, baby octopi, led her on. Bob steps. Babs, anon. Rob all! Aroma set as ... deli orb, mere grub, a burger, embroiled ... Retro Porter! "Am I nimbus? Tell, I beg. Am I? Bards are macho! So, get some memorabilia, I say—a paper. Om." One poem, a nonstop non-epic: it, A, nulled omega. Canines, irate, yap ... sad. Ah, Bob. Bob's golf ... Bob's martini. A pain, a monomania—gates no nation passes, old as Bob. "Drat! Sabotage! Limes!" Sad nimrod at a metal; Bob's sarcasm also cold—rows on. "No? Me? A day ... no older." Bob, nib a bond, a bare paper.

"Goddam!" a tonsil wailed. Bob, fibber, actor at a back casa. Bob spins, baby! Eh? Bob did Abba, claps! "Evil in 'I,' Lad! Nuked is an atom; no bastion."

Bob, rest, nap: repaid grad abode, room. One sleep: orgy, gel. Enact raw ape porno, Bob. (Sleek ... a yak. Mad, ample, hot ewe. Zoo. Mini-ardor astir, animal. Animal lips I pet, sleek as tin.) Rub. (Hotel.) Lube it! (Pool.) Smut arts: bust a nut.

So: Tibetan amenities, A. Eye no hot tub. A garret saw net torpor, deep REM, as, so good, apt ... sleep, Bob ...

Bob's sip: Regal Lager and wet stew. Bob nibbles—roman I, serif Bob. Yo! Beeps emit. Net deli. A Web site nets Bob's sad loci. No cardamom—not new. Parched? Alas—no lemonade, tart. Surf net, Bob.

Bob: "No!" No mensem agony, nor idem. Annus 2002, stuck radon broth, gilded nil. Bob: "Oh!"

Top swaps: Bob gulps a Loco Cola. Fool lips ... "Trade, meet, seek. Om," said emetic Anna. No work: one erg, still as all undertone. Via non troppo seafood lid, tin: kelp pinafore. Wolf Bob peels a potato. He rifles, made raw—nor in a drawer. Bob, go beg a date. Go!

"Go fret up mochas, Babs!"

"It is rot!"

Café: lame sub, ass as yams ... Babs eyes a bat, adder. Bob, timid, asks aloof as sass Babs: "A date? No?" As Babs agrees ...

Bob: "Desserts?"

"I desire not."

"Anise de créme, no?"

One risen, one: Babs. Bob, too.

"Ha!—Hell is a wide rut."

"Pardon?"

Dire wolf, Bob, net wonk. Is Babs? Salon—No. It is open:

ore. Yo!

Job? Mocha dude? Non! No. Works at node, wades on. Idée fixe snows Bob's ass all under.

Pure ...

Eligible Babs: flesh self's eros revolts, rubs. Babs, looted

under Bob, sees Bob. Red,

nude tools. Babs: "Burst, lover! Sores. Flesh self's Babel big. I leer up." Red, null ass, as Bob's won sex: "I feed; I nosed awe!" (Don't ask.) Row on, none dud. Ah! Combo joy.

"Er, one position, no, lass Babs?"

"I know ten, Bob!"

Flower, id. Nod, raptured.

"I was ill."

"Eh?"

A hoot. Bob's babe? None. Siren? O, one Mercedes, in a tone rise, distressed Bob, seer. Gas? Babs? A? One tad, as Babs—sass a fool!—asks a dim IT Bob, red: "Database?"

"Yes!"

Babs may sass, abuse malefactors. It is Babs: "Ah, computer fog!"

O, get adage—bog Bob. Reward: an ironware damsel, fire hot, atop asleep Bob. Flower of a nipple, knit. Dildo of Aesop. "Port, no?" Naïve ... "Not red? Null as all! It's green! OK!" (Row on, Anna. Cite media, smoke esteemed art.)

"Spill—oof!" A Loco Cola's plug: Bob's paw spot. Hobo blinded, light orb. No dark cuts 2002's unnamed irony: no games. Nemo, non-Bob ... (Bob, ten, frustrated a no-melon salad. "Eh? Crap!" went on Mom, a draconic old ass.) Bob's tenet is bewailed ten times.

Pee, boy. Bob fires in a morsel-BB. In Bob: wet stew, DNA, Regal Lager. Piss, Bob. Bob peels T.P.. A doo, gossamer pee. Drop, rotten waster. Rag a butt. O, honey! Ease it in, emanate, bit. O, stun at substratum's loop, tie bullet. "Oh! Burn." It's a keel step. "I spill, am in a laminar ... it's a rod rain. I'm ooze, wet. O help! Madam! Kayak! Eels!" Bob on rope: paw art. Can elegy grope else? No. Moo! Redo bad (arg!) diaper pants, er, Bob.

(No, it's abon mot—an aside: Kundalini lives.)

"Pal, cab!"

Bad id, Bob. "Hey!"

Babs nips Bob a sack cab, a tarot car. Ebb, if Bob, "Deli Awl," is not a mad dog. Repaper a bad nob, a bin. Bob, red, loony: a ...daemon? No sword, loco, slams a crass Bob—late matador mind—as semi- legato bastard Bob, sad, loses sap. "No! It ..." An onset again: a monomania, pain. It rams Bob, flogs Bob ...

Bob had a spa yet! Arisen in a cage, model lunatic: "I pen on pots! No name open, O! More papayas? I ail! I bar. O, meme!" (Most egos...) "Oh, camera's drab image: billet sub-minima. Retro Porter—deli orb, mere grub, a burger, embroiled—sates amoral labor! Non!"

As Babs pets Bob: "Nor, eh, deli pot, coy!" Babs eyes Bob. Stratagem? Hep, metronomeless, a timed era flew past. One fact: it saps wolf cadet, a rut, as sad, alas, as—ah!—Bob: "On leg, a bared rose!"

"Yes, Bob?"

"Leg! A bag. Nix, if task rows, babe. Fact or rap? Anise! Ogre! ... Pa!"—Bob, drawn.

"Oh! Sad Bob!" O, hero, my subsoil of tropes. Row, row on. Know a time.

"Leg abettal—nor pared! Now, here!" He rows Babs: "Abuse no wolf-lad!" It was noon. Redo: case doctor bled names on Bob's ex-élan. "I'm ..." (retort in a lab) "... a car, bad! A car, bad!" Naïve sub, a Bob. "Tie python; snap a jaw, a Nikon. O!"

Wolf Otto gets at Regal Lager. Mood arid, an era was sad. A storm, idyl noodle. He bottomed: Omegas on up, Contra guns. Regal Lagers teem. Otto's a bar's anal canal, Panama size. Use no plug. Leer a bat as—"A bar Arab, Rabas? Orb us!"—as Babs, laced, sees Otto. Pull a leg, nab a rad nadir cadet, a base elf. Otto's eyes ... Babs. "Arab, eh, that lass?" Babs, draw, O! Then a red ice-cide rage (mastodon era) slaps Otto. Otto to border flees, irate, yep, an ass. "An asinine loser, eh?" Thus evil Otto, depositor. Rapacity a pet rat—or, at Rabas's apron!

Anna won't love Reno graffiti. Nod, nab a store. Volume! Loot at some man-spit. On he spits.

"Babs, mugger!"

"Do not lie!"

Void? Armada sailed ... Plug! As Babs effaced a man, nailed a perpetrator at work. "Cab!"

Anna (dim): "It was Otto!"

Mom's, Pops's, Babs's end error—retracted. Academe, estimable, gnawed at it. Ogre Bob, rev odes! Revere tips, plugs, piston. "Spastic, I ... to crank case!" Wired now, Bob—God alive—fixes a bomb in a race car's gas line. No! Bob's borne men in foe-garb. Muse, often a praxis, croons, "ah, Bob!" Egress. Bob's deedy rot. A gun—did Bob fire it? (Fine suggestion.) "God, Zeus, assort, ablaze, us—at, sir, a base, sir!" As Babs eyes Bob, Bob snaps time open.

On up! Scissor, eh? Set a gentle fiend, air. A emotes, abates; A sees! Bob: "Dacron, impart red! Lessen, damned dustrag garb," snips Bob, satin-mad regalia snob. "Lapel, oh—pool! Pupils I fixated, a venomed, live, odd rat's adder! Garde! Draw! Snide, base zoos upset are pomo!" Odd. A bed: under it, roll in a mania. Gab on kabobs, Bob, red. "No! We, wan, waded on, all under an idle hate, moot evil, a too-faster rage. No pets yell amid a yarn: us." No nodes sap, no IT agenda editor saps Bob, bossy asp. Mad Bob, ape: "Rut, rot—a sign I trap!" Bob snips, snaps. Live guns spit on mad Bob. Rats live on and on; tool-age tile.

"Nay, ran! I drool!" Eve-lore has Bob.

Bob naps ... "Ah!" ... plays aeon-olde nut tape. Yo! Gulp a set, a dreg, deep. Attend, alas, Bob: Sore, I tire. My, a sad day ... a D-Day! I saw stars: a diva maid, a lass, Babs. Salad I am, avid as rats was I ... yadda, yadda ... say, merit I eros? Duo! Last cadet can use patter, cesspits. Peek: Bob re-rips an anisette's sack. "Rad!" Do panic: "I peep at noontime ... so I dare not at one!" No time: Bob stops 2002.

Bob's 2002 snaps back, nada amiss. Ill? Ebon, crab-obsessed dog? Ogre? No. Level, lax Bob ... named ... is sane, rates fit! Omega's sagas ... Bob, fine peg, alludes: "A bedlam I cede now. On, Bob, to home." Gas, Bob!

Crass algebra. Eyes pale, Bob teems red, aero-elated on a sugar: "Boy ... girl lace!" We sum all: ire, ugly din. One year enamored is aero-LSD named 2002.

This post has been edited by D'rek: 18 August 2009 - 01:08 PM

[MTS]

I don't think length really matters. That snake joke was hilarious and that thing was a friggin' novel.

Alas, I have nothing to contribute at the moment.

This post has been edited by Mappo's Travelling Sack: 18 August 2009 - 01:10 PM

[cauthon]

D'rek, on Aug 18 2009, 03:06 PM, said:

Anyhoo, here's "2002: A Palindrome Story" by Nick Montfort and William Gillespie. The 7-size font is the middle of the palindrome. While there are plenty of much longer palindromes, most of them are just random collections of words. Not only is this one structured into sentences, but it makes sense and is a story, to boot!

Awesome!

[Cold Iron]

More bash.org awesomeness

bash.org said:

<Raven> I tried setting my hotmail password to penis.
<Raven> It said my password wasn't long enough.

[Cold Iron]

bash.org said:

Mike3285: wtf is a palindrome
MaroonSand: no its not dude

[Cold Iron]

bash.org said:

<DannyB> some girl on the street asked if i was saved yet
<DannyB> i told her i saved at the checkpoint a couple minutes back
<DannyB> and can reload from there if i die
<DannyB> she was confused

[Cold Iron]

bash.org said:

<kyourek> There was a 23% drop in temperature.
<nappyjallapy> That's almost 25%!
<kyourek> ... That was one of the most worthless comments I've ever heard.

i'll stop soon srs

[Tiste Simeon]

Apologies do D'rek...

Quote

<Cthon98> hey, if you type in your pw, it will show as stars
<Cthon98> ********* see!
<AzureDiamond> hunter2
<AzureDiamond> doesnt look like stars to me
<Cthon98> <AzureDiamond> *******
<Cthon98> thats what I see
<AzureDiamond> oh, really?
<Cthon98> Absolutely
<AzureDiamond> you can go hunter2 my hunter2-ing hunter2
<AzureDiamond> haha, does that look funny to you?
<Cthon98> lol, yes. See, when YOU type hunter2, it shows to us as *******
<AzureDiamond> thats neat, I didnt know IRC did that
<Cthon98> yep, no matter how many times you type hunter2, it will show to us as *******
<AzureDiamond> awesome!
<AzureDiamond> wait, how do you know my pw?
<Cthon98> er, I just copy pasted YOUR ******'s and it appears to YOU as hunter2 cause its your pw
<AzureDiamond> oh, ok.

[Tiste Simeon]

This might actually work...

Quote

<wolf> 1. Save every Free Credit Card Offer you get, Put it in pile A
<wolf> 2. Save every Free Coupon You get, put that in pile B
<wolf> 3. Now open the credit card mail from pile A and find the Business
Reply Mail Envelope.
<wolf> 4. Take the coupons from pile B and stuff them in the envelope you hold
in your hand.
<wolf> 5. Drop the stuffed to the brim envelopes in your mail and walk away
whistling.
<wolf> I have now received two phone calls from the credit card companies
telling me that they received a stuffed envelope with coupons rather
then my application. They informed me that it they are not pleased that
they footed the bill for the crap I sent them. I reply with "It says
Business Reply Mail" I'm suggesting coupons to you to ensure that your
business is more successful. They promptly hang up on me.
<wolf> Now, I did this for about a month before it got boring, so I got an
added idea! I added exactly 33 cents worth of pennies to the envelope
so they paid EXTRA due to the weight. I got a call informing me about
the money, I said it was a mistake and I demanded my change back. After
yelling at the clerk and then to the supervisor they agreed to my
demands and cut me a check for the money. I hold in my hand at this
very moment a check from GTE Visa for exactly 33 cents.

[D'rek]

Quote

#743595 +(2423)- [X]

<crabcakedeathra> where were you earlier?
<arkilla> work.
<crabcakedeathra> where you work?
<arkilla> GTE Visa. mail room clerk.
<arkilla> had some trouble with this asshole sendin in coupons
<arkilla> today he also sent in 33 motherfuggin' pennies
<arkilla> my managr called to complain, after like an hour WE cut HIM a check for 33 cents
<crabcakedeathra> that sounds damn familiar

[D'rek]

I'll just have to subdue you boys by posting the absolute best ones such that you won't be able to post any more of them, knowing that these ones outdue any pitiful other attempts you could make. Ladies and gents, I give you bloodninja, a guy who cybers with "girls" with hilarious results.

READ AT YOUR OWN RISK AND THESE ARE PROBABLY NOT SFW!!!

Quote

bloodninja: My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides turn to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love.
Katie_007: What the f*ck is this madlibs? I'm outta here.
bloodninja: Yeah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can't see. Bitch.

Quote

bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don't know how long I can keep it
ready for you.
j_gurli3: thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.
bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.
j_gurli3: haha, ok lets go.
j_gurli3: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck.
bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my
breeding territory.
j_gurli3: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.
j_gurli3: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.
bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't wear shirts.
j_gurli3: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part of the game.
bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They f*cking charge your ass.
j_gurli3: stop, cmon be serious.
bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to
charge your ass.
bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet.
j_gurli3: thats it.
bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic
symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide
and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in
the air on my mighty horn.
bloodninja: Goddam am I hard now.

Quote

sweet17: Hi
bloodninja: hello
bloodninja: who is this?
sweet17: just a someone?
bloodninja: A someone I know?
sweet17: nope
bloodninja: Then why the hell are you bothering me?
sweet17: well sorrrrrry
sweet17: I just wanted to chat with you
bloodninja: why?
sweet17: nevermind your an jerk
bloodninja: Hey wait a minute
sweet17: yes?
bloodninja: look I'm sorry. I'm just a little paranoid
sweet17: paranoid?
bloodninja: yes
sweet17: of what?
sweet17: me?
bloodninja: No. I'm in hiding.
sweet17: LOL
bloodninja: Don't fucking laugh at me!
bloodninja: This shit is serious!
sweet17: What are you hiding from?
bloodninja: The cops.
sweet17: gimme a fucking break
bloodninja: I'm serious.
sweet17: I don't get it
bloodninja: The cops are after me.
sweet17: For what?
bloodninja: I'm wanted in three states
sweet17: For???
bloodninja: It's kindof embarrasing.
bloodninja: I had sex with a turkey.
bloodninja: Hello?
sweet17: You are fucking sick.
bloodninja: Send me your picture.
sweet17: why?
bloodninja: so I know you aren't one of them.
sweet17: One of what?
bloodninja: The cops.
sweet17: I'm not a cop i told you
bloodninja: Then send me your picture.
sweet17: hold on
bloodninja: Hurry up.
bloodninja: Are you there?
bloodninja: fuck you, cop!
sweet17: Hey sorry
sweet17: I had to do something for my mom.
bloodninja: I thought you were trying to find a picture to send to me.
bloodninja: When really you were notifying the authorities.
bloodninja: Weren't you!?
sweet17: thats not it
bloodninja: Then what?
sweet17: I don't want to send you the picture cause I'm not pretty
bloodninja: Most cops aren't
sweet17: IM NOT A FUCKING COP YOU DICKSHIT!
bloodninja: Then send me the picture.
sweet17: fine. What's your e-mail?
bloodninja: Just send it through here.
sweet17: alright *PIC*
sweet17: Did you get it?
bloodninja: Hold on. I'm looking.
sweet17: That was me back in may
sweet17: I've lost weight since then.
bloodninja: I hope so
sweet17: what?!?
sweet17: that hurt my feelings.
bloodninja: Did it?
sweet17: Yes. I'm not that much smaller than that now.
bloodninja: Will it make you feel better if I send you my picture?
sweet17: yes
bloodninja: Alright let me find it.
sweet17: kks
bloodninja: Okay here it is. *PIC*
sweet17: this isn't you.
bloodninja: I'll be damned if it ain't!
sweet17: You don't look like that.
bloodninja: How the hell do you know?
sweet17: cause your profile has another picture.
bloodninja: The profile pic is a fake.
bloodninja: I use it to hide from the cops.
sweet17: You look like the Farm Fresh guy lol
bloodninja: Well, you look like you ATE the Farm Fresh guy….
bloodninja: Not to mention all the groceries.
sweet17: Go fuck yourself
bloodninja: I was going to until I saw that picture
bloodninja: Now my unit won't get hard for a week.
sweet17: I shouldn't have sent you that picture.
sweet17: You've done nothing but slam me.
sweet17: you hurt me.
bloodninja: And calling me the Farm Fresh guy doesn't hurt me?
sweet17: I thought you were bullcrapping me!
bloodninja: Why would I do that?
sweet17: I can't believe that cops are after you
bloodninja: I can't believe Santa lets you sit on his lap..
sweet17: FUCK YOU!!!
bloodninja: You'd break both of his legs.
sweet17: You're a fucking wanker!
sweet17: I've been teased my whole life because of my weight
sweet17: and you make fun of me when you don't even know me
bloodninja: Ok. I'm sorry.
sweet17: No you aren't
bloodninja: You're right. I'm not.
bloodninja: HAARRRRR!
sweet17: I'm done with you
bloodninja: Aww. I'm sorry.
sweet17: I'm putting you on ignore
bloodninja: Wait a sec
bloodninja: We got off on the wrong foot.
bloodninja: Wanna start over?
sweet17: No
bloodninja: I'll eat your kitty
sweet17: You'll what?
bloodninja: You heard me.
bloodninja: I said I'd eat your kitty.
sweet17: I thought you said you couldn't get it hard after seeing my picture
bloodninja: Do I need a hard-on to eat your kitty?
sweet17: I'd like to know that the man eating me out is excited yes
bloodninja: Well I'm not like most men.
bloodninja: I get excited in different ways.
sweet17: Like what?
bloodninja: Do you really wanna know?
sweet17: I don't know
bloodninja: You have to tell me yes or no.
sweet17: I'm afraid to
bloodninja: Why?
sweet17: cause
bloodninja: cause why?
sweet17: well lets see
sweet17: you say you have sex with turkeys. You call me fat. then you wanna eat me out
sweet17: doesn't that seem strange to you?
bloodninja: Nope
sweet17: well its strange to me
bloodninja: Fine. I won't do it if you don't want me to
sweet17: I didn't say that
bloodninja: So is that a yes?
sweet17: I guess so.
bloodninja: Ok. I need your help getting excited though.
bloodninja: Are you willing?
sweet17: What do you need me to do?
bloodninja: I need you talk like a pirate.
sweet17: ???
bloodninja: When I start to go limp… you say "HARRRR!!!"
bloodninja: ok?
bloodninja: Hello?
sweet17: You can't be serious
bloodninja: Oh yes I am!
bloodninja: It's my fantasy.
sweet17: this is retarded
bloodninja: Do you want it or not?
sweet17: Yes I want it.
bloodninja: Then you'll do it for me?
sweet17: sure
bloodninja: Ok. Here we go.
bloodninja: I gently remove your panties and being to massage your thighs.
bloodninja: You get really juicy thinking about my tounge brushing up against them
bloodninja: I softly begin to tounge your wet kitty.
bloodninja: I run my tounge up and down your smooth c**t.
sweet17: mmmm yeah
bloodninja: uh oh …going limp.
sweet17: Har
bloodninja: You gotta do better than that!
bloodninja: Your picture was really bad.
sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRR
bloodninja: Ahhhh. Much better. I feel your kitty get more moist with every stroke.
bloodninja: I softly suck on your clit bringing it in and out of my mouth.
bloodninja: Your juices run down my chin as your scent makes its way to my nose.
bloodninja: I begin to feel empowered by your femininity.
sweet17: mmmmmm you are good
bloodninja: I feel your thighs tighten as I fuck harder
bloodninja: going limp
sweet17: HARRRRRRR
bloodninja: Mmmm I grab your swelling buttocks in my hands.
bloodninja: You begin to sway back and forth.
bloodninja: going limp
sweet17: this is stupid
bloodninja: …still limp
bloodninja: Do it!
sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRRR
bloodninja: I turn you around to lick your asshole.
bloodninja: I pry apart that battleship you call your ass.
bloodninja: I see poo nuggets hanging from the hair around your ass.
sweet17: WTF?!?!?
bloodninja: They stink really bad.
sweet17: OMG STOP!!!
bloodninja: I start to get fed up with your ugly ass
bloodninja: I tear off your wooden peg leg.
bloodninja: I ram it up your ass.
sweet17: YOURE A FUCKING PYSCHO!!
bloodninja: Then I pour hot carmel over your head.
bloodninja: And turn you into a fucking candy apple…
bloodninja: I kick you in the face!
sweet17: FUCK YOU DICKHEAD!!
bloodninja: The celluloid from your cheeks hits the side of the cabin…
bloodninja: Your parrot flys away.
bloodninja: …going limp again.
bloodninja: Hello?
bloodninja: Say it!
bloodninja: HAARRRRRR!!!!!

Quote

bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
BritneySpears14: Aight.
bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.
bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
bloodninja: Me too baby.
BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears14: Hey...
bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 chicken of the Infinite.
BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.
bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty F*ck of the Beyondness.
BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
bloodninja: Don't f*ck with me bitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.
BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of ****.
bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
bloodninja: Baby?
--------------
BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?
eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I'm ready.
BritneySpears14: I like your music Em... Tee hee.
eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.
BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.
BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique.
eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: What the f*ck, I told you not to message me again.
eminemBNJA: Oh ****
BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you f*ck up.
eminemBNJA: Oh ****
eminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something

This post has been edited by D'rek: 19 August 2009 - 03:24 PM

[Tiste Simeon]

I read the Britney one before, and nearly sprayed tea across my desk...

[Cold Iron]

Fuck me that's funny.

HARRRRRRR