[HoosierDaddy]

That's some funny, funny stuff.

[Zanth13]

"... I asked him why he drank Schlitz, and he said "it's only 3.1 cents per ounce. Beer is an acquired taste, so you might as well acquire a taste for cheap beer" Thats some manly shit.

"CLINT EASTWOOD is obviously the epitome of a real man. If you feel you're a real man and try to compare your manliness to his, you're stupid"

"Never be concerned about another man's genitals unless he used to fuck your old lady."

all from Forrest Griffin's book again... maybe more later

[Aptorian]

Quote

MIT certainly has a reputation to be proud of, but its admissions department went a little over-board, I think. The first letter is an honest-to-goodness mailing from MIT, the second is one prospective student's reply:

April 18, 1994

Mr. John T. Mongan
123 Main Street
Smalltown, California 94123-4567
Dear John:

You've got the grades. You've certainly got the PSAT scores. And now you've got a letter from MIT. Maybe you're surprised. Most students would be. But you're not most students. And that's exactly why I urge you to consider carefully one of the most selective universities in America.

The level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful indicator that you might well be an excellent candidate for MIT. It certainly got my attention!

Engineering's not for you? No problem. It may surprise you to learn we offer more than 40 major fields of study, from architecture to brain and cognitive sciences, from economics (perhaps the best program in the country) to writing.

What? Of course, you don't want to be bored. Who does? Life here *is* tough *and* demanding, but it's also *fun*. MIT students are imaginative and creative - inside and outside the classroom.

You're interested in athletics? Great! MIT has more varsity teams - 39 - than almost any other university, and a tremendous intramural program so everybody can participate.

You think we're too expensive? Don't be too sure. We've got surprises for you there, too.

Why not send the enclosed Information Request to find out more about this unique institution? Why not do it right now?

Sincerely,

Michael C. Benhke
Director of Admissions

P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "Insight," just check the appropriate box on the form.


------------------------------------------



May 5, 1994

Michael C. Behnke
MIT Director of Admissions
Office of Admissions, Room 3-108
Cambridge MA 02139-4307

Dear Michael:
You've got the reputation. You've certainly got the pomposity. And now you've got a letter from John Mongan. Maybe you're surprised. Most universities would be. But you're not most universities. And that's exactly why I urge you to carefully consider one of the most selective students in America, so selective that he will choose only *one* of the thousands of accredited universities in the country.

The level of pomposity and lack of tact reflected in your letter is a powerful indicator that your august institution might well be a possibility for John Mongan's future education. It certainly got my attention!

Don't want Bio-Chem students? No problem. It may surprise you to learn that my interests cover over 400 fields of study, from semantics to limnology, from object-oriented programming (perhaps one of the youngest professionals in the country) to classical piano.

What? Of course you don't want egotistical jerks. Who does? I *am* self-indulgent *and* over confident, but I'm also amusing. John Mongan is funny and amusing - whether you're laughing with him or at him.

You're interested in athletes? Great! John Mongan has played more sports - 47 - than almost any other student, including oddball favorites such as Orienteering.

You think I can pay for your school? Don't be too sure. I've got surprises for you there, too.

Why not send a guaranteed admission and full scholarship to increase your chance of being selected by John Mongan? Why not do it right now?


Sincerely,
John Mongan

P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "John Mongan: What a Guy!" just ask.

[cauthon]

Haha! Any word on what happened after that?

[Aptorian]

No idea

[Menandore]

Aptorian, on Aug 11 2009, 11:21 AM, said:

Quote

Welcome To The Internet

No one here likes you.

We're going to offend, insult, abuse, and belittle the living hell out of you. And when you rail against us with "FUCK YOU YOU GEEK WIMP SKATER GOTH LOSER PUNK FAG BITCH!1!!", we smile to ourselves. We laugh at you because you don't get it. Then we turn up the heat, hoping to draw more entertainment from your irrational fuming.

We will judge you, and we will find you unworthy. It is a trial by fire, and we won't even think about turning down the flames until you finally understand.

Some of you are smart enough to realize that, when you go online, it's like entering a foreign country ... and you know better than to ignorantly fuck with the locals. You take the time to listen and think before speaking. You learn, and by learning are gladly welcomed.

For some of you, it takes a while, then one day it all dawns on you - you get it, and are welcomed into the fold.

Some of you give up, and we breathe a sigh of relief - we didn't want you here anyway. And some of you just never get it. The offensively clueless have a special place in our hearts - as objects of ridicule. We don't like you, but we do love you.

You will get mad. You will tell us to go to hell, and call us "nerds" and "geeks". Don't bother ... we already know exactly what we are. And, much like the way hardcore rap has co-opted the word "nigger", turning an insult around on itself to become a semiserious badge of honor, so have we done.

"How dare you! I used to beat the crap out of punks like you in high school/college!" You may have owned the playing field because you were an athlete. You may have owned the student council because you were more popular. You may have owned the hallways and sidewalks because you were big and intimidating. Well, welcome to our world.

Things like athleticism, popularity, and physical prowess mean nothing here. We place no value on them ... or what car you drive, the size of your bank account, what you do for a living or where you went to school.

Allow us to introduce you to the concept of a "meritocracy" - the closest thing to a form of self-government we have. In The United Meritocratic nation-states of the Internet, those who can do, rule. Those who wish to rule, learn. Everyone else watches from the stands.

You may posses everything in the off-line world. We don't care. You come to the Internet penniless, lacking the only thing of real value here: knowledge.

"Who cares? The Internet isn't real anyway!" This attitude is universally unacceptable. The Internet is real. Real people live behind those handles and screen names. Real machines allow it to exist. It's real enough to change government policy, real enough to feed the world's hungry, and even, for some of us, real enough to earn us a paycheck. Using your own definition, how "real" is your job? Your stock portfolio? Your political party? What is the meaning of "real", anyway?

Do I sound arrogant? Sure ... to you. Because you probably don't get it yet.

If you insist on staying, then, at the very least, follow this advice:

1) No one, ESPECIALLY YOU, will make any law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

2) Use your brain before ever putting fingers to keys.

3) Do you want a picture of you getting anally raped by Bill Clinton while you're performing oral sex on a cow saved to hundreds of thousands of people's hard drives? No? Then don't put your fucking picture on the Internet. We can, will, and probably already HAVE altered it in awful ways. Expect it to show up on an equally offensive website.

4) Realize that you are never, EVER going to get that, or any other, offensive web page taken down. Those of us who run those sites LIVE to piss off people like you. Those of us who don't run those sites sometimes visit them just to read the hatemail from fools like you.

5) Oh, you say you're going to a lawyer? Be prepared for us to giggle with girlish delight, and for your lawyer to laugh in your face after he explains current copyright and parody law.

6) The Web is not the Internet. Stop referring to it that way.

7) We have already received the e-mail you are about to forward to us. Shut up.

8) Don't reply to spam. You are not going to be "unsubscribed".

9) Don't ever use the term "cyberspace" (only William Gibson gets to say that, and even he hasn't really used it for two or three books now). Likewise, you prove yourself a marketing-hype victim if you ever use the term "surfing".

10) With one or two notable exceptions, chat rooms will not get you laid.

11) It's a hoax, not a virus warning.

12) The internet is made up of thousands of computers, all connected but owned by different people. Learn how to use *your* computer before attempting to connect it to someone else's.

13) The first person who offers to help you is really just trying to fuck with you for entertainment. So is the second. And the third. And me.

14) Never insult someone who's been active in any group longer than you have. You may as well paint a damn target on your back.

15) Never get comfortable and arrogant behind your supposed mask of anonymity. Don't be surprised when your name, address, and home phone number get thrown back in your smug face. Hell, some of us will snail-mail you a printed satellite photograph of your house to drive the point home. Realize that you are powerless if this happens ... it's all public information, and information is our stock and trade.

16) No one thinks you are as cool as you think you are.

17) You aren't going to win any argument that you start.

18) If you're on AOL, don't worry about anything I've said here. You're already a fucking laughing stock, and there's no hope for you.

19) If you can't take a joke, immediately sell your computer to someone who can. RIGHT NOW.

Pissed off? It's the TRUTH, not these words, that hurts your feelings. Don't ever even pretend like I've gone & hurt them.

We don't like you. We don't want you here. We never will. Save us all the trouble and go away.

Am I the only one who read this and immediately thought it was written for Mystar?

[Aptorian]

From a reddit discussion on life in the 50s. Whether it's all true or not, it's still an interesting read.

Quote

I was born in 1944. So, in the first few years of the 1950s I was a grade school kid. WTF does a grade school kid know? Even into the 1960s, what does a teenager know? Everything I saw and experienced was through the eyes of that kid. Nonetheless, here are some observations of a middle class kid:

*

My mother drove me to school in a 1939 Chevrolet in the mornings on her way to work. It was a bit over a mile. I walked home, even when in the first grade. The path home was through the middle of the small town (population about 5000) along a state highway. Many of my schoolmates did the same. There was no school bus. How you got to school was your problem. Traffic was always cautious and respectful around us. I do not recall any safety "incidents", ever.
*

We never locked the front door to the house. I never had a key. In the 15 years I lived there, there was never a security incident.
*

I learned to swim in a lake at age 5. I was a "junior lifesaver" by age 12, a "senior lifesaver" by age 16, all by way of a Red Cross class. Years later when I went to college in a big city I was one of about 5 of a class of 100 (PE:swimming) who could swim and the only one with a lifesaving credential.
*

I learned to shoot a rifle (.22 single shot bolt action) at age 5. The major focus of the training was safety with firearms. All young men learned to shoot at that age as did many young women. I learned that you don't shoot anything you don't intend to eat. I learned that you do not horse around with guns, that you never mess with guns and drinking. I have never allowed anyone to hand me their gun without clearing it first; I always clear my own before passing it to someone. I have hunted since then, safely and successfully, everything from squirrels to elk. -- To this day I find the whole concept of "Gun Control" to be nothing more than a political agenda from the control freaks who would disarm the populace to make the final steps toward complete dictatorship easier. -- Gun control means hitting what you aim at.
*

I had my first drink of alcohol, a beer, at about age 12. My mother gave it to me because I asked what it tasted like. I did not drink again until I turned 18. You could legally drink at 18 back then. -- My mother said that as for beer, as far as she was concerned, "you could pour it back into the horse". She did, however, like bourbon, up, on the weekend. I never saw her have more than one.
*

Everybody smoked. There was no escape from it, anywhere.
*

The movie theatre, the only one, one screen, acted as babysitter on Saturdays. Parents would deliver their grade school kids to the theatre early after noon and pick them up before dinner time. -- Kids would see 2 or more cartoons; a travelogue; a short subject (Joe Dokes); a serial (Flash Gordon, continued next week); previews; two western movies. ... all for about 0.10U$D.
*

As a small child, to about age 12, I was addressed as "Master ..." by virtually all adults. My head would spin around 3 or 4 times before I knew what hit me if I addressed an adult of any station in life as anything other than Sir or Ma'am.
*

I respected my teachers because they actually knew something back then (perspective of a small child) and because the profession was, in general, respected. This was before the days of teachers unions where the attitudes of teachers have come to resemble the attitude of the plumber and there were more career choices at higher pay for smart and motivated people, particularly women.
*

By the end of the 1950s I had a car. I also had all the tools I needed to fix it, and I did. -- I cannot do that today because of the specialised diagnostic equipment and, to a lesser degree, the tools required to fix it.
*

I built a chicken coop in the back yard while in the 5th grade. I raised about a dozen chickens from chicks delivered by Sears every 3 months. These days I have to get a building permit to build the chicken coop and can't even do that if I lived in "town" because it is unlawful to do so. Period. -- I live out of town and raise my own meat (goats, chickens, rabbits) because I know what goes into grocery store meat. I even grow what they eat because I know what goes into that too.
*

There was no internet. At the library there were no filters either. ... When I was in high school (early 1960s), a book was published by a former high school teacher "documenting" bad behavior, including the sex, among the local school district employees. The book was readily available in the local public library and the high school library.
*

Everbody was some flavor of christian. Everybody. If we had doubts or didn't believe, we kept it to ourselves. Still, the library had good materials on other religions. -- I see in the local newspaper where some christian asshats want to ban "Harry Potter" and "The Golden Compass" because they are not christian. -- Fuck 'em.
*

I got slapped by the music teacher outside of class because she heard me singing a rock and roll song then popular on the radio. She called it "the devil's music". In that regard, nothing changed, except these days she'd be fired, charged with assault and have to defend herself in a civil suit. -- This change is both good and bad. It's good in that it helps parents defend against truly abusive teachers and it reduces discipline in the schools.
*

The court house had separate drinking fountains and bath rooms for "colored people". The topic was not open for discussion. -- There was a separate [but equal(?)] school for "coloreds". Coloreds lived in a separate, hardly equal, part of town, called derisively as "nigger town". -- WTF were we thinking? I am reminded by learned folks that you can't take a person out of his time or place. I still say WTF(!).

[Raymond Luxury Yacht]

I call bullshit. No one born in the 40's uses WTF.

[Aptorian]

You're such a sceptic, Ray. Maybe he's a sparkly vampire with a reddit account.

[Raymond Luxury Yacht]

I guess I didn't think of that.

[Salt-Man Z]

That John Mongan piece is hilarious!

The "back in the day" piece seemed to strain credulity at the end there...

[Raraku]

Best resignation letter ever:

Dear Mr X,
As a graduate of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my co-workers and me during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.
Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.
You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you.........
You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Since this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation.
However, I have a few parting thoughts.
1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad reference. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.
2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favorites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by the company.
3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your Mother's birthday," you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror n.de. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of reference. (Try to use a spell check please; I hate having to correct your mistakes.)
Thank you for your time, and I expect the reference on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f*** with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do with all that free time!
Wishing you a grand and glorious day'.

Got this off Bash......... pure freaking WIN

[Aptorian]

From the wiki:

Quote

A placebo button is a push-button that appears to do something, but actually has no effect, like a placebo. They exist to give the user an illusion of control.[1]

Many walk buttons at pedestrian crossings in New York City were once functional, but now serve as placebo buttons.[2] Many door close buttons in elevators are placebo buttons.[1][3] Office thermostats may also function similarly.[4]

Oh my.

This post has been edited by Aptorian: 03 September 2009 - 06:38 AM

[Aptorian]

Classic

Quote

Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed-interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisure wear and matching luggage. Choose a three piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats you have spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life . . . But why would I want to do a thing like that? I chose not to choose life: I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you've got heroin?

[Ain't_It_Just_]

Aptorian, on Sep 3 2009, 05:07 PM, said:

Classic

Quote

Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed-interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisure wear and matching luggage. Choose a three piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats you have spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life . . . But why would I want to do a thing like that? I chose not to choose life: I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you've got heroin?

And they don't even mention coke....

[Tiste Simeon]

Quote

Today for the first time ever, while I was driving I ran over a squirrel. It was in front of three little girls at their lemonade stand. FML

From the ever funny www.fmylife.com

[Darkwatch]

From the cracked Article on the worst sex guides, this one about a guide from 1936.

Quote

This wasn’t what I was expecting from an ancient tome of love making. I figured it would say HOW TO MAKE LOVE STEP ONE: Running Start. STEP TWO: Continue step one for 50 years until scientists invent the female orgasm.

This post has been edited by Darkwatch: 10 September 2009 - 03:17 PM

[HoosierDaddy]

Some of these are funny, some are pretty damned interesting though.

Quote

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?"

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.

So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."

- Rebecca - age 8

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.

You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."

- Billy - age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."

- Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."

- Chrissy - age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."

- Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."

- Danny - age 7

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.
My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"

- Emily - age 8

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."

- Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate."

- Nikka - age 6

(we need a few million more Nikkas on this planet)

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."

- Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."

- Tommy - age 6

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.

He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."

- Cindy - age 8

"My mommy loves me more than anybody.

You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."

- Clare - age 6

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."

- Elaine-age 5

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."

- Chris - age 7

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."

- Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."

- Lauren - age 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an image)

- Karen - age 7

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."

- Mark - age 6

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."

- Jessica - age 8

http://www.greatdad....efine-love.html

[Adjutant Stormy~]

And the grinch's heart grew 3 sizes that day...

[Aptorian]

Awwwhh...