Help
Cause, on 24 October 2023 - 06:13 PM, said:
My sister got diagnosed with adult adhd a while back and she says the medication has changed her life. Speaking to her recently she opened up about some things regarding how it helped her and how she struggled without. I recognized a lot of what she was saying and so I decided to speak to a specialist who gave me a script. There is apparently a huge genetic component that runs through families and beside my sister my dad was the worst procrastinator I ever knew. Its been a week and while I have to say its not a magic pill, I cant just take it and find myself working but it does seem to shorter the distance between thinking about 'I should do task A' to actually starting it and following through.
Truth is I did take a very low dose of ADHD medication before during my PhD. After I had to switch my thesis after 2 years because it hit a dead end I struggled with motivation and it was a really hard time for me. Probably the hardest of my life. I also knew that writing up my masters was a struggle and so when it came time to write my PhD I spoke to a specialist got a script took the pills, they helped and when I finished I stopped taking them because I didnt want to become dependent on a pill, or addicted, or spend my life using crutch. I wonder if that was a mistake. I got the pills more because I know people take them for cramming and to help academically and I felt like if I could take something to help me what is the harm but didnt really see myself as an adult with ADHD. I am definitely not hyperactive for one (which turns out isn't a necessary symptom despite being the H in the name). The pills helped though.
Even know I think its hard to know do I really have adult ADHD or would the pills just help anyone. I also think when seeing a specialist its kind of like how a hammer thinks everything is a nail. Whats the difference between lack of executive function and lack of motivation. What's a normal amount of avoiding undesirable tasks vs having an problem/inability to follow through on such tasks. What's the normal amount of inattentiveness during a zoom meeting vs a debilitating one. I have sat through hour long zoom meetings and not paid attention for even a minute, but I think some of these meetings do not even have a minute of content I need to know so... I did well in school but I never studied. I remember telling my English teacher once I didn't need to study English as I was a native speaker. I found science and biology easy and picked it up. I did really bad in Afrikaans and Hebrew, you cant pick up vocabulary without some study but I just attributed it to a poor ear and a lack of interest in learning a language I never once had to speak outside of a classroom. I was proud of doing well without having to work particularly hard. Just thought it meant I was smart. I wasnt winning academic awards but in my preferred subjects I was in the top 25% or higher. I remembers my first year at university was a struggle becuase suddenly that wasnt good enough, there was no way around being prepared for a test without studying the text book. Their were questions on things that the lecturer never discussed in class. The tests were on chapters 1-12 for example and self study was expected. I did manage to adapt and with all the homework and lab assignments 'I worked well under pressure'. Every assignment was started and finished the night before the due date which since I had 4 labs a week and one was due to basically every day of the week I never thought of as odd. Even now I like precise deadlines as they help me get things done.
As I said its only been a little over week. I dont sit down in front of my computer and knock out 8 hours of perfect work but I have managed to clean up my apartment better than usual having finally done a few low priority tasks that I kept putting off for later until next week became next month. I spoke to amazon and organized a return of a partially broken product that has I have been meaning to get around to for 6 months. I managed to finally organize building maintenance to come do a few fixes in my apartment. I have better organized some work I have been doing.
Given that it seems to help and assuming it continues to help I now cant help but wonder at the missed opportunity to have not been on the medication for longer or sooner. Given that I was able to be 'successful' I never really looked for a problem before. I am planning on keeping a close eye on how I am feeling and seeing if it really is making a differences. Some part of it may still be a placebo or just me makign the most of some early motivation at the start of something new.
Truth is I did take a very low dose of ADHD medication before during my PhD. After I had to switch my thesis after 2 years because it hit a dead end I struggled with motivation and it was a really hard time for me. Probably the hardest of my life. I also knew that writing up my masters was a struggle and so when it came time to write my PhD I spoke to a specialist got a script took the pills, they helped and when I finished I stopped taking them because I didnt want to become dependent on a pill, or addicted, or spend my life using crutch. I wonder if that was a mistake. I got the pills more because I know people take them for cramming and to help academically and I felt like if I could take something to help me what is the harm but didnt really see myself as an adult with ADHD. I am definitely not hyperactive for one (which turns out isn't a necessary symptom despite being the H in the name). The pills helped though.
Even know I think its hard to know do I really have adult ADHD or would the pills just help anyone. I also think when seeing a specialist its kind of like how a hammer thinks everything is a nail. Whats the difference between lack of executive function and lack of motivation. What's a normal amount of avoiding undesirable tasks vs having an problem/inability to follow through on such tasks. What's the normal amount of inattentiveness during a zoom meeting vs a debilitating one. I have sat through hour long zoom meetings and not paid attention for even a minute, but I think some of these meetings do not even have a minute of content I need to know so... I did well in school but I never studied. I remember telling my English teacher once I didn't need to study English as I was a native speaker. I found science and biology easy and picked it up. I did really bad in Afrikaans and Hebrew, you cant pick up vocabulary without some study but I just attributed it to a poor ear and a lack of interest in learning a language I never once had to speak outside of a classroom. I was proud of doing well without having to work particularly hard. Just thought it meant I was smart. I wasnt winning academic awards but in my preferred subjects I was in the top 25% or higher. I remembers my first year at university was a struggle becuase suddenly that wasnt good enough, there was no way around being prepared for a test without studying the text book. Their were questions on things that the lecturer never discussed in class. The tests were on chapters 1-12 for example and self study was expected. I did manage to adapt and with all the homework and lab assignments 'I worked well under pressure'. Every assignment was started and finished the night before the due date which since I had 4 labs a week and one was due to basically every day of the week I never thought of as odd. Even now I like precise deadlines as they help me get things done.
As I said its only been a little over week. I dont sit down in front of my computer and knock out 8 hours of perfect work but I have managed to clean up my apartment better than usual having finally done a few low priority tasks that I kept putting off for later until next week became next month. I spoke to amazon and organized a return of a partially broken product that has I have been meaning to get around to for 6 months. I managed to finally organize building maintenance to come do a few fixes in my apartment. I have better organized some work I have been doing.
Given that it seems to help and assuming it continues to help I now cant help but wonder at the missed opportunity to have not been on the medication for longer or sooner. Given that I was able to be 'successful' I never really looked for a problem before. I am planning on keeping a close eye on how I am feeling and seeing if it really is making a differences. Some part of it may still be a placebo or just me makign the most of some early motivation at the start of something new.
I tried taking it once in college to write a paper two nights before it was due... and became so hyperfocused that I spent all night revising the opening sentence.
It ended up being a decent enough opening sentence, but still...
