[Gothos]

Applied for a job at Google's Warsaw office, getting rather tense about it since I haven't heard back yet (and it has been 5 days already!). The posting has been around for at least a month, it's starting to invade my dreams (I've had one last night where they put a large group of potential applicants in a locked house together to observe how we interact and behave). Losing my mind here!

[Macros]

I'm a bit younger but being single isn't that tough when you're younger and most of your friends are either single or at least not engaged/living with partner.
I was single for 10 years, yes it had its downsides but I didn't really have time for a relationship anyway with work and random travels.
Because I hadn't been in a relationship I didn't realise the game had changed as I got a little bit older, nkw that I'm single again (only a year long relationship, but for me that was a lot) its a totally different animal. In the last year so many of my friends have gotten married, and some have a child, suddenly my list of people to call up to go for a beer has been chopped to pieces. I have no desire to eharmony or tinder my life, it just seems so....cold or something, but meeting people that are remotely interesting that I don't already know have become an onerous task, especially living in a small town.

[Kanubis]

Macros, that meetup website I listed above has about 60 groups that meet within 25 miles of Belfast (I have no idea if you live in Belfast, I just chose the most likely location in Ulster) The two main social ones are meeting today and tomorrow. These groups tend to attract the more sociable type of immigrant in addition to a lot of locals, so it can be a good way to meet interesting people.

Just a suggestion, but in general obviously I share your pain!

[Gothos]

Kanubis, on 30 June 2014 - 11:28 PM, said:

Ha, I've had some far worse counselling, trust me. It's tricky because I think she might actually have had the right idea.
Not moving back. Copenhagen is a fun place when you make the effort to find things to do. Jersey is fucking boring in comparison.

Anyway, what happened... spoilered, because quite frankly it's fucking long.

Spoiler

I need to preface the rest by saying how great the relationship was. We had similar interests, we were genuinely best mates. She was a joy to be with - we barely had a cross word with each other in the decade, and had a lot of respect for each other. No paranoia or distrust.

But...
When we met she was a mess psychologically. I was a bit too, but not so bad. The short version is that her nephews were born prematurely and one of them didn't make it past the first day. She spent the next year basically supporting her sister and after her sister was ok, my ex basically had nothing left in the tank. Deep depression etc.

She got a tiny bit better, then we met. She wasn't "in danger" by this point but still had a hell of a lot of recovery to go - zero self belief. She moved over to Jersey to live with me and after three years we moved over to Denmark. The earlier shit had interrupted her uni education so she wanted to go back, fair enough and I was ready to leave the island anyway.

She got better, very slowly. About five years ago was the last time she had a truly bleak moment, where she'd basically just cease to function for a couple of hours. A year after that she was able to come off the antidepressants for good. And then she got back in to uni. Then she got a scholarship to do her last semester in New Zealand. She left in January. Lots of tears at the airport etc. We skyped for an hour every day. Then about three months ago it just slowly started to trickle off.

A month ago she skyped me in tears. No feeling there anymore etc. She wasn't dumping me as such, just that she didn't think when she got back she'd want us to be together. I suggested we just end it (not coldly, just that it would be easier for both of us than a month in limbo.)

I always had a suspicion that when she was truly better - full of self-belief, confidence, energy etc. that she'd be a different enough person that it might not work anymore. There was a huge dependency for many years in our relationship, and I think that's something she needs to move on from completely. It's genuinely been a joy seeing her change from a wreck of a person to what she is now.

The other thing is that I'm now realising that the dependency in the relationship was slowly wrecking me (in some ironic twist of what happened to her years ago I suppose.) The problem was that as she got better, I never managed to stop feeling a huge pressure to get it right for us. I was stressed as hell for years because I had to get everything right for our sakes. This pressure never came explicitly from her, but I put it on myself. I'm now feeling this immense sense of relief, like a burden I've been bearing for years has been lifted. There is quite a lot she gave me that has made me a stronger person as well - I should add that despite the emotional dependency, the love was very much two-way.

It's as nice as a break-up after a decade can be I suppose. But I think she was right. In a month I've not had a single thought of reconciliation, even in my drunkest moment not the slightest urge to message her and ask for her back. I'm starting to feel like towards the end a lot of my feeling for her wasn't the right kind anyway, too much of it was just my need to make sure she was ok. She is, job done. Time to move on.

Oh, and since people will have thought it - has she fucked anyone in New Zealand? Maybe. I honestly believe she wouldn't have prior to us splitting up, and if she has since then that's her business.

Now, I'm 35. I had a long relationship prior to her, so since the age of 18 I've only been single for just under a year. I have no fucking idea how to do it. I just know the eventual next one has be in a good place psychologically. As for any casual stuff before that... nice thought, but I've never really been wired that way. Maybe I should try and learn to be.
Really not used to just thinking about myself though, it's taking some adjustment.

I'll say, you've just presented me with what I've probably dodged last year. It sounds like you catapulted her up and now she doesn't need you anymore and you remind her of the bad times, which is kind of brutal. I've no idea about how this feels after a decade together, but I kind of see how I could extrapolate to get an idea of what it could be like. Ouch, man.

As for being single, I've been single between age 17 and 26, with some hookups inbetween but not overly much, and a sort-of long-distance friendlationship with a co-player from WoW (which doesn't exactly qualify as a relationship either, eh?). The key for survival was videogames for me, and being out drinking with friends. That's how I met my second, third and current girlfriend, mind you, and while the first two there were complete disasters, this current one is a keeper. So there's that perk to getting fairly tipsy with people you know and people you don't really know!

In the meantime, you can enjoy having all your time to yourself, which depending on your personality can be a good thing or a bad thing.

[Grimjust Bearegular]

Can't fucking sleep. Haven't slept well for months. I've tried medication, I've tried conditioning, I've tried sleep deprivation to make myself so tired I have to sleep...doesn't work. I can't function properly, I have no energy reserves, all I want to do is sleep.

I love my job, but I earn fuck all. I think I have to find a proper, full-time job, but can't stand the thought of trying to fit into a new work environment and working full-time. I can barely cope with what I have now. So fucking tired!

I also feel lonely a lot of the time. I have a few close friends, but they are spread all over the country, so I don't really have that many I can just hang out with. And the simplest of hang-outs takes so much time and effort to organize because the people I know here all have different plans and schedules...ugh.

Why does everything have to be so hard?


Also kinda wishing I'd spent my time as a single person being more "slutty" This goddamed wanderlust is killing me!

Bah, humbug!

[Macros]

I'm quite a bit from Belfast Kan, but thanks for the link. With work in Scotland and work at home my.free time is quite.limited at the minute anyway, a major factor in the breakup

[Gothos]

Grimjust Bearegular, on 01 July 2014 - 09:15 AM, said:

I love my job, but I earn fuck all. I think I have to find a proper, full-time job, but can't stand the thought of trying to fit into a new work environment and working full-time. I can barely cope with what I have now. So fucking tired!

I don't mind my earnings, but I don't really like my job. Grass greener etc!

[Kanubis]

Gothos, on 01 July 2014 - 08:39 AM, said:

I'll say, you've just presented me with what I've probably dodged last year. It sounds like you catapulted her up and now she doesn't need you anymore and you remind her of the bad times, which is kind of brutal. I've no idea about how this feels after a decade together, but I kind of see how I could extrapolate to get an idea of what it could be like. Ouch, man.

Yeah, I've had a few friends ask if I don't feel I deserve better, but obviously it's utterly irrelevant. What would be worse would be to be in a sham of a relationship supported purely on feelings of obligation from her side.

It's better this way.

Kinda helped that she'd been away for four months at the time already. I'd sort of gotten used to living on my own and going out on a whim as and when I pleased.

[Lizradusa]

Grimjust Bearegular, on 01 July 2014 - 09:15 AM, said:

Can't fucking sleep. Haven't slept well for months. I've tried medication, I've tried conditioning, I've tried sleep deprivation to make myself so tired I have to sleep...doesn't work. I can't function properly, I have no energy reserves, all I want to do is sleep.

I love my job, but I earn fuck all. I think I have to find a proper, full-time job, but can't stand the thought of trying to fit into a new work environment and working full-time. I can barely cope with what I have now. So fucking tired!

I also feel lonely a lot of the time. I have a few close friends, but they are spread all over the country, so I don't really have that many I can just hang out with. And the simplest of hang-outs takes so much time and effort to organize because the people I know here all have different plans and schedules...ugh.

Why does everything have to be so hard?


Also kinda wishing I'd spent my time as a single person being more "slutty" This goddamed wanderlust is killing me!

Bah, humbug!

Try a regular sleep cycle with fixed times when you go to bed and get up. That way your body can adjust to that and knows when it's time to rest. Also maybe try to do something relaxing before going to bed.

[Grimjust Bearegular]

Lizradus, on 01 July 2014 - 01:12 PM, said:

Grimjust Bearegular, on 01 July 2014 - 09:15 AM, said:

Can't fucking sleep. Haven't slept well for months. I've tried medication, I've tried conditioning, I've tried sleep deprivation to make myself so tired I have to sleep...doesn't work. I can't function properly, I have no energy reserves, all I want to do is sleep.

I love my job, but I earn fuck all. I think I have to find a proper, full-time job, but can't stand the thought of trying to fit into a new work environment and working full-time. I can barely cope with what I have now. So fucking tired!

I also feel lonely a lot of the time. I have a few close friends, but they are spread all over the country, so I don't really have that many I can just hang out with. And the simplest of hang-outs takes so much time and effort to organize because the people I know here all have different plans and schedules...ugh.

Why does everything have to be so hard?


Also kinda wishing I'd spent my time as a single person being more "slutty" This goddamed wanderlust is killing me!

Bah, humbug!

Try a regular sleep cycle with fixed times when you go to bed and get up. That way your body can adjust to that and knows when it's time to rest. Also maybe try to do something relaxing before going to bed.

I've tried that... I usually read and drink herbal tea without caffeine before bed time. I avoid caffeine after 5 o'clock, I try to get regular exercise, I don't go to bed hungry or too full, I don't spend time in bed except when I'm supposed to sleep, I'm on a rigorous sleep schedule (go to bed at 2 am, get up again at 8 am) and if I haven't fallen a sleep within half an hour I have to get up, do something that'll make me sleepy and then try again... le sigh.

[Lizradusa]

Grimjust Bearegular, on 01 July 2014 - 02:16 PM, said:

Lizradus, on 01 July 2014 - 01:12 PM, said:

Grimjust Bearegular, on 01 July 2014 - 09:15 AM, said:

Can't fucking sleep. Haven't slept well for months. I've tried medication, I've tried conditioning, I've tried sleep deprivation to make myself so tired I have to sleep...doesn't work. I can't function properly, I have no energy reserves, all I want to do is sleep.

I love my job, but I earn fuck all. I think I have to find a proper, full-time job, but can't stand the thought of trying to fit into a new work environment and working full-time. I can barely cope with what I have now. So fucking tired!

I also feel lonely a lot of the time. I have a few close friends, but they are spread all over the country, so I don't really have that many I can just hang out with. And the simplest of hang-outs takes so much time and effort to organize because the people I know here all have different plans and schedules...ugh.

Why does everything have to be so hard?


Also kinda wishing I'd spent my time as a single person being more "slutty" This goddamed wanderlust is killing me!

Bah, humbug!

Try a regular sleep cycle with fixed times when you go to bed and get up. That way your body can adjust to that and knows when it's time to rest. Also maybe try to do something relaxing before going to bed.

I've tried that... I usually read and drink herbal tea without caffeine before bed time. I avoid caffeine after 5 o'clock, I try to get regular exercise, I don't go to bed hungry or too full, I don't spend time in bed except when I'm supposed to sleep, I'm on a rigorous sleep schedule (go to bed at 2 am, get up again at 8 am) and if I haven't fallen a sleep within half an hour I have to get up, do something that'll make me sleepy and then try again... le sigh.

Don't do the bolded part. That just tells your body that it is not time to sleep after all and confuses the time you want to go to bed.

[Grimjust Bearegular]

Lizradus, on 01 July 2014 - 02:29 PM, said:

Grimjust Bearegular, on 01 July 2014 - 02:16 PM, said:

Lizradus, on 01 July 2014 - 01:12 PM, said:

Grimjust Bearegular, on 01 July 2014 - 09:15 AM, said:

Can't fucking sleep. Haven't slept well for months. I've tried medication, I've tried conditioning, I've tried sleep deprivation to make myself so tired I have to sleep...doesn't work. I can't function properly, I have no energy reserves, all I want to do is sleep.

I love my job, but I earn fuck all. I think I have to find a proper, full-time job, but can't stand the thought of trying to fit into a new work environment and working full-time. I can barely cope with what I have now. So fucking tired!

I also feel lonely a lot of the time. I have a few close friends, but they are spread all over the country, so I don't really have that many I can just hang out with. And the simplest of hang-outs takes so much time and effort to organize because the people I know here all have different plans and schedules...ugh.

Why does everything have to be so hard?


Also kinda wishing I'd spent my time as a single person being more "slutty" This goddamed wanderlust is killing me!

Bah, humbug!

Try a regular sleep cycle with fixed times when you go to bed and get up. That way your body can adjust to that and knows when it's time to rest. Also maybe try to do something relaxing before going to bed.

I've tried that... I usually read and drink herbal tea without caffeine before bed time. I avoid caffeine after 5 o'clock, I try to get regular exercise, I don't go to bed hungry or too full, I don't spend time in bed except when I'm supposed to sleep, I'm on a rigorous sleep schedule (go to bed at 2 am, get up again at 8 am) and if I haven't fallen a sleep within half an hour I have to get up, do something that'll make me sleepy and then try again... le sigh.

Don't do the bolded part. That just tells your body that it is not time to sleep after all and confuses the time you want to go to bed.

This is recommended conditioning by scientists and doctors at the Sleep Institute of Bergen or whatever...I've read the books. What it does is tell your body that when you get in bed it's time for sleep and nothing else, and if you don't sleep you don't get to be in bed. It's like an association game where bed equals sleep, like a ringing bell equals food.

[Lizradusa]

I guess that makes some sense, but for me for example it would never work, since I it usually takes me about an hour to go to sleep.

[Puck]

Me too. I've been having problems to fall asleep in the past couple of months, too, and by now I just know that if I get up and do something else I won't be getting any sleep any time soon, because when I go back to bed the whole thing starts anew. Science this and that, but sometimes people just work differently. Might still take you a while to fall asleep but try sticking to it, who knows. Got nothing to lose anyway, right?

[Tiste Simeon]

Grim: you could try a technique I used to sometimes use (I generally sleep very well...)

Lying flat on my back, straightened out & with my arms at my side, I would clench every muscle I physically could and as tight as I could. This included curling toes up, clenching fists & screwing my face up tightly. Then, starting from the feet upwards I would slowly, consciously unclench and relax them one at a time. I dunno if there is any science behind it but firstly it took my mind off the fact that I couldn't sleep and secondly it really helped me relax. Sometimes I did it a couple of times but it usually worked and I would fall asleep quite quickly.

As I said I'm not a scientist or an expert but your post reminded me that I used to do it quite a lot at night and it did help me!

[Puck]

Know what I hate about working the 6am shift? Beside getting up this early when I only manage to fall asleep at 3am? All those freaks who are out and about at this ungodly time. Not honest working people, no, here it seems like only the freaks creep out of their basements, just so that they can go around showing people what entitled idiots they are..

Idiot: Hey, where's that foreigner today? Did he oversleep again?
Puck: What foreigner?
Idiot: That other guy who works here.
Puck: You mean the one who owns this place? And who's got a german pass, in contrast to me?
Idiot: Yes, that foreigner!
Puck: *mental facepalm* What can I help you with?
Idiot: Cigarettes.
Puck: Which ones?
Idiot: Cigarettes!
Puck: *motions at the several dozen brands behind the counter* *sigh*

Sometimes, I really do hate people.

This post has been edited by Puck: 03 July 2014 - 05:08 AM

[Grimjust Bearegular]

Lizradus, on 01 July 2014 - 04:53 PM, said:

I guess that makes some sense, but for me for example it would never work, since I it usually takes me about an hour to go to sleep.

Puck, on 01 July 2014 - 05:51 PM, said:

Me too. I've been having problems to fall asleep in the past couple of months, too, and by now I just know that if I get up and do something else I won't be getting any sleep any time soon, because when I go back to bed the whole thing starts anew. Science this and that, but sometimes people just work differently. Might still take you a while to fall asleep but try sticking to it, who knows. Got nothing to lose anyway, right?

The technique is meant to teach your body to fall asleep faster, I think. Sometimes it can take me up to three hours to fall asleep, and that's extremely frustrating!

Tisteon Simeonus, on 01 July 2014 - 11:22 PM, said:

Grim: you could try a technique I used to sometimes use (I generally sleep very well...)

Lying flat on my back, straightened out & with my arms at my side, I would clench every muscle I physically could and as tight as I could. This included curling toes up, clenching fists & screwing my face up tightly. Then, starting from the feet upwards I would slowly, consciously unclench and relax them one at a time. I dunno if there is any science behind it but firstly it took my mind off the fact that I couldn't sleep and secondly it really helped me relax. Sometimes I did it a couple of times but it usually worked and I would fall asleep quite quickly.

As I said I'm not a scientist or an expert but your post reminded me that I used to do it quite a lot at night and it did help me!

I'm gonna try this for a few nights and see how it goes. I think I've read about somewhere as well

But my main porblem, I think, is not shutting down my body, it's shutting off my brain

[Ukjent]

Just find something terrible boring to read, like an old phonebook or a school book.. I remember when I was trying to read to a test in relgion I allways fell asleep.

[Illuyankas]

Listen to the audiobook of famously dull people's auto/biographies. Aim for someone like John Major but without the affair.

[EmperorMagus]

Graablick, on 03 July 2014 - 09:36 PM, said:

Just find something terrible boring to read, like an old phonebook or a school book.. I remember when I was trying to read to a test in relgion I allways fell asleep.

This. Just start reading something religious, preferably written as a propaganda piece/for teenagers, Instant sleep!
I swear to god, I once slept an entire Friday then went to my religious studies class at 10:30 the next day(after more than 26 hours of sleep!). I was snoring before 10:45...