The situation with my dad is getting more tedious and upsetting. Thanks in advance to anyone who reads this –it really is just a ramble.
I haven't forgotten those who raised that this could be an early sign of the onset of something like dementia, and I'm keeping an eye when I'm with him for any other signs of decline, but the more I listened to him last week the more I think it's social anxiety and loneliness (he makes frequent comments about having lost his confidence), but he absolutely will not do anything to address it. The problem is always everyone else.
I booked for us to go see Springsteen last week (I'm trying to build seeing him around positive experiences where possible, for both our sakes) and he was really excited in the build up.
Cut to the day and it was an absolute onslaught. The man just Will. Not. Stop. Talking. The lowest point for me was when we got back to the hotel after the concert, around half 11, and I noted at one point that he'd talked solidly for an hour with me largely replying with "Yeah" and "mmm" because I was exhausted (part drive to and attendance at the concert, part I'd been with him for eleven hours and he'd barely come up for breath) and most of what he was saying didn't really require a response of any kind. It felt horribly awkward/rude to me but I honestly couldn't say with certainty he even noticed if I was responding.
We had one minor moment of tension when in telling a long tangent story about my aunt's wedding (some 40 odd years ago) which he and my mum were not invited to, saying "Your mum being your mum, she wouldn't go" and I stopped him and asked him what he felt the rational response to not being an invited to an event was. He sidestepped it and said "well I wouldn't even have known what our reception would have been like if we did go" and then changed the subject when I pointed out he can hardly make out mum's response was anything less than reasonable then. I don't think there was really much malice in it, I think it's now just an ingrained reflex to have a dig at my mum whenever possible, and he gets cross when I call him out or challenge what he says.
On top of this, there's the using me as a sounding board/quasi-therapist. A couple of people haven't responded to messages recently, so he's overcooked this into them not wanting anything to do with him any more (god forbid most people have far busier lives than he does). He seemingly doesn't want encouragement or to be told alternative interpretations exist, he just wants to be told he's right and have his insecurity and paranoia confirmed. This included a very long deep dive into a long standing friend who has said they're busy the last couple of times he asked to arrange a meet up, which he did not at all appreciate me suggesting messaging again in a few weeks and maybe asking if she's okay, since this is out of character, and went on at some length about how he thought the friendship was strong enough that she'd tell him what he'd done to upset her and that she clearly doesn't want to see him. I think this insecurity is also feeding into the response of "no, who would I invite, loads of people live far away" when asked if he would like a gathering for his 70
th at the end of the year (we had one for his 60th that was very well attended and he enjoyed himself a lot). I don't think the practicalities mentioned are the problem at all, I sense he's scared of people not wanting to come.
I think the saddest part really is that even in sharing something that should be so enjoyable, we have very little to say to one another. I don't get any sense he's interested in my life – any time I bring up anything I've been doing, or something to do with Mr NAB and I, he just reverts to whatever he was previously talking about or responds with a story about him (I appreciate the latter may be a misfiring attempt to relate, but in the wider context it's quite challenging to deal with). But he wants to tell me everything his friends kids are doing (most of whom I've never met and don't know at all) – particularly if they've done the same thing to a higher standard, oh boy can he not wait to tell me that. There was a point in the never ending talk where he said he likes to hear about friend's kids doing well "since you're not going to give me grandchildren." I think it was a mark of how worn out I was that I didn't blow up at that – I've been clear for the best part of two decades that I have no interest in having children and that I don't think my health would stand up to it regardless – there is absolutely no point at all in having a swipe at me about it now. There's also a severely autistic gentleman who frequents my dad's local pub and if my recent diagnosis is brought up, he starts with stories about him and what a burden he is on those around him. Gee.... thanks so much.
It's Father's Day in the UK at the weekend, and it would not be an exaggeration to say I am absolutely dreading it. The sole positive is Mr NAB will be with me and he has a knack for handling my dad quite gently.
Short version: my dad is getting worse, and I've come to the conclusion we now have very little to say to one another because I grow to be more of a disappointment as a daughter with every breath I take. Thanks goodness my mum thinks I turned out alright.
This post has been edited by TheRetiredBridgeburner: 09 June 2025 - 10:35 AM
Azath Vitr (D'ivers 
QuickTidal, on 12 May 2025 - 05:46 PM, said:
Tsundoku 
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