[amphibian]

I think the first recourse is to talk to the leader of the D&D game being played and see how they use their position of authority over the game to attempt resolution. Holding tongues for long times over off color jokes usually leads to a sense by the person making the jokes that this is tacitly welcome.

[TheRetiredBridgeburner]

amphibian, on 27 March 2019 - 04:27 PM, said:

Holding tongues for long times over off color jokes usually leads to a sense by the person making the jokes that this is tacitly welcome.

That's one of my concerns, actually. A couple of the others said they don't want friction in the game so don't say anything (I think in the hope that if he doesn't get a laugh he'll pack it in) but as you rightly point out, it can have the opposite effect and then you'll just get friction of another kind.

It just amazes me in this day and age that a late-20 something man thinks making off colour comments/"jokes" about women ("You're bleeding" "Yeah but at least it's not once a month, right?" - which I did pull him for) and asylum seekers (I have no idea what that even was) are in any way going to be seen as amusing.

[Tiste Simeon]

Hmm I think the mum texting thing is leading to her asking you to go on a date with him and trying to guilt you into doing it. Seriously, just be aware of that...

[TheRetiredBridgeburner]

Tiste Simeon, on 27 March 2019 - 04:57 PM, said:

Hmm I think the mum texting thing is leading to her asking you to go on a date with him and trying to guilt you into doing it. Seriously, just be aware of that...

I already put her straight on that very firmly. She got over it after a bit of whinging.

He's already tried asking me on a date (I say tried because I apparently didn't notice that's what he was doing...... yeah!) and only told me - in the sense of "Didn't you realise that's what I was doing?" when I started seeing the other half.....because that's not ridiculous at all.

Total catch, right?

[worry]

I have an alternative solution, and you might want to save it for an "if all else fails" circumstance, and understandably so, and it may seem uncouth, but given the nature of his comments, if they continue despite a more palatable intervention, as a group you might still want to keep the option open, at least on the table, to beat his ass.

[TheRetiredBridgeburner]

worry, on 27 March 2019 - 07:19 PM, said:

I have an alternative solution, and you might want to save it for an "if all else fails" circumstance, and understandably so, and it may seem uncouth, but given the nature of his comments, if they continue despite a more palatable intervention, as a group you might still want to keep the option open, at least on the table, to beat his ass.

I mean I haven't taken it off the table.....

[Abyss]

TheRetiredBridgeburner, on 27 March 2019 - 07:40 PM, said:

worry, on 27 March 2019 - 07:19 PM, said:

I have an alternative solution, and you might want to save it for an "if all else fails" circumstance, and understandably so, and it may seem uncouth, but given the nature of his comments, if they continue despite a more palatable intervention, as a group you might still want to keep the option open, at least on the table, to beat his ass.

I mean I haven't taken it off the table.....

Oh, FFS RB, just sic a bunch of your personal stash of tactical assault birds on him and have done with this already.

[Maark Abbott]

:gumble: :ok_hand:

[Cause]

TheRetiredBridgeburner, on 27 March 2019 - 04:42 PM, said:

amphibian, on 27 March 2019 - 04:27 PM, said:

Holding tongues for long times over off color jokes usually leads to a sense by the person making the jokes that this is tacitly welcome.

That's one of my concerns, actually. A couple of the others said they don't want friction in the game so don't say anything (I think in the hope that if he doesn't get a laugh he'll pack it in) but as you rightly point out, it can have the opposite effect and then you'll just get friction of another kind.

It just amazes me in this day and age that a late-20 something man thinks making off colour comments/"jokes" about women ("You're bleeding" "Yeah but at least it's not once a month, right?" - which I did pull him for) and asylum seekers (I have no idea what that even was) are in any way going to be seen as amusing.

I feel like a horrible person because I could see myself laughing at that joke in the right circumstances, I could see myself making that joke.

That said the guy sounds like a disaster. You complain about him often and for a long time. I had a similar friend of a friend who I could not stand. I adopted a simple policy of cutting him out of my life. Friendship to me by definition cannot be an act of charity. So while I never told him I couldn't stand him I just didn't go along with the rest in feeling sorry for him either. Also it takes a cost of energy and happiness to be around people you don't like why so do it.

So if I saw him with the group I think I was polite enough but if I made plans I invited my friends, and if that included the group and not him so be it. It wasn't high school drama, I wasn't cutting him out and shoving that in his face I just didn't consider him a friend and didn't invite him. If I invited friend W to the movies and friend W invited him to the movie as well so be it. I would never invite him directly.

I don't feel bad about what I did. I think pretending to be his friend would have served either of us. I think if I had tried to stay around him for longer and faked it I would have eventually exploded at him.

How is he apart of this DnD group? Who is his primary friend? If your all just tolerating him then its not healthy. If someone is his genuine friend perhaps they are the key.

It also sounds like this guy might have a legitimate issue in regards to socializing? If he is in his late 20s and his mom is still trying to find him friend and dates from her work

[Cause]

Briar King, on 27 March 2019 - 08:46 PM, said:

Dog deciding to use my book containers that my Malazan, GoT, Alera(fucking A), Williams books are in as a toilet again... thankfully his aim is lower this time and not getting inside.

Knocked the hell out him after I shoved his face in his puddle. Haven’t whacked him like that in close to 9 years since the last time he growled and snapped at my just beginning to be mobile son getting to close to his food bowl. I didn’t enjoy that at all or the scrubbing of my white carpet afterwards.

Dogs need discipline but its got be handles the right way. I think its been pretty much proven at this point that a dog lacks the ability to connect the fact that your showing his face in his urine and the punishemtn with the fact that you don't want him to pee there. They just cant connect the dots.

[TheRetiredBridgeburner]

Cause, on 28 March 2019 - 11:57 AM, said:

I feel like a horrible person because I could see myself laughing at that joke in the right circumstances, I could see myself making that joke.

No problem there - I'm pretty sure I've laughed at some tasteless things myself from time to time, but it's a pattern.

Quote

That said the guy sounds like a disaster. You complain about him often and for a long time. I had a similar friend of a friend who I could not stand. I adopted a simple policy of cutting him out of my life. Friendship to me by definition cannot be an act of charity. So while I never told him I couldn't stand him I just didn't go along with the rest in feeling sorry for him either. Also it takes a cost of energy and happiness to be around people you don't like why so do it.

So if I saw him with the group I think I was polite enough but if I made plans I invited my friends, and if that included the group and not him so be it. It wasn't high school drama, I wasn't cutting him out and shoving that in his face I just didn't consider him a friend and didn't invite him. If I invited friend W to the movies and friend W invited him to the movie as well so be it. I would never invite him directly.

I don't feel bad about what I did. I think pretending to be his friend would have served either of us. I think if I had tried to stay around him for longer and faked it I would have eventually exploded at him.

How is he apart of this DnD group? Who is his primary friend? If your all just tolerating him then its not healthy. If someone is his genuine friend perhaps they are the key.

That's what I've been doing really for the last few sessions - discretely leaving early so I don't get stuck with small talk (we get buses from the same station in the city) and not engaging in the group chat when he's holding court. If he behaved in the game, as long as I can keep that up it'd be fine.

Nobody's a primary friend. None of us knew one another before the game - and it's quite telling everyone else has hit it off and gets on like a house on fire with the one glaring exception I suppose. The "feeling sorry for them" issue I think is the one roughly half the group is tripping over and trying to accommodate, while the others are not doing.

Quote

It also sounds like this guy might have a legitimate issue in regards to socializing? If he is in his late 20s and his mom is still trying to find him friend and dates from her work

Not sure if that's him, the overbearing mother (she's a very overbearing personality full stop, although a really nice woman) or a combination of the two. Having said that though, echoing your stance from above with your example, I don't think it's for the rest of us to tolerate it just because he's not good at socialising.

As it happens, I spoke to the DM as I managed to catch him earlier today. He hadn't heard any of the comments (he sits at the other end of a very long table and we share space with another group, so easily enough done), was mortified and apologetic at this and adamant that he would have said something to shut it down immediately had he heard, and he doesn't want anyone to feel like they can't do that for the sake of group harmony or whatever. He's aware now and I feel quite a lot more relaxed about it.

This post has been edited by TheRetiredBridgeburner: 28 March 2019 - 02:02 PM

[Abyss]

TheRetiredBridgeburner, on 28 March 2019 - 02:02 PM, said:

...
As it happens, I spoke to the DM as I managed to catch him earlier today. He hadn't heard any of the comments (he sits at the other end of a very long table and we share space with another group, so easily enough done), was mortified and apologetic at this and adamant that he would have said something to shut it down immediately had he heard, and he doesn't want anyone to feel like they can't do that for the sake of group harmony or whatever. He's aware now and I feel quite a lot more relaxed about it.

Well that's certainly encouraging and your DM sounds like a very mature FFS THE BIRDS UNLEASH THE DAMN BIRDS WE ALL WANT IT THE CAMERAS ARE READY DO IT DOOO ITTTTT...


...ahem, so, yeah, that's good.

[QuickTidal]

Abyss, on 28 March 2019 - 04:23 PM, said:

TheRetiredBridgeburner, on 28 March 2019 - 02:02 PM, said:

...
As it happens, I spoke to the DM as I managed to catch him earlier today. He hadn't heard any of the comments (he sits at the other end of a very long table and we share space with another group, so easily enough done), was mortified and apologetic at this and adamant that he would have said something to shut it down immediately had he heard, and he doesn't want anyone to feel like they can't do that for the sake of group harmony or whatever. He's aware now and I feel quite a lot more relaxed about it.

Well that's certainly encouraging and your DM sounds like a very mature FFS THE BIRDS UNLEASH THE DAMN BIRDS WE ALL WANT IT THE CAMERAS ARE READY DO IT DOOO ITTTTT...


...ahem, so, yeah, that's good.

I mean yes...TRB, we know you HAVE a flock of predatory birds at your discretion to weaponize, I see no reason not to deploy them!

[Tiste Simeon]

I'm still waiting for the unleashing of the birds guys, what about you?

[bubba]

Tiste Simeon, on 28 March 2019 - 06:39 PM, said:

I'm still waiting for the unleashing of the birds guys, what about you?

 starlings_finger.jpg (45.43K)
Number of downloads: 0

[worry]

[TheRetiredBridgeburner]

You guys are ace

[Tiste Simeon]

TheRetiredBridgeburner, on 28 March 2019 - 07:58 PM, said:

You guys are ace

Speaking of, how is Mr Not a Blacksmith and when are we all going to meet him?

[Mezla PigDog]

Just fired my cleaner. That's like even more narrow than first world problems. Feel like an arse!

[Cause]

Mezla PigDog, on 28 March 2019 - 09:17 PM, said:

Just fired my cleaner. That's like even more narrow than first world problems. Feel like an arse!

You can afford a cleaner in London! Impressive!