[Aptorian]

Seems like I put a downer on the pity party, so I'll write a small update.

Since dad has trouble swallowing I got the suspicion that part of his cognitive problems may be dehydration. So I tried to make him drink as much as possible yesterday. What would you know, he woke up this morning and was about 300% more aware. He could actually shuffle about a little by himself and didn't need as much help.

He tired towards midday but it felt like a small victory.

We had a talk with his nurse this morning and while she thinks dehydration probably is affecting him she says it won't work force feeding him water since any food or water actually only serves as an obstacle for his body now. It takes too much energy to break down food or swallowing water. Same reason why giving him a drop won't work.

We kind of knew it but we needed her to burst our bubble.

The nurse estimated that he has a week or two left. Maybe three on the outside.

It's weird hearing an expiration date like that.

I look at my dad and yes he's ill. He's a wreck of a human being honestly. But it's unbelievable that it could be over so soon. And still I guilty hope it will be over quickly. Better that he doesn't linger like this.

One catastrophe rarely happens alone though.

I called in to work to announce that I would be taking two weeks leave and got an update on my contract, which runs out November 1st. It can't be renewed for administrative reasons. So I'm unemployed in 8 days.

Downside financially I am fucked for the foreseeable future, upside while I am unemployed I will have time to take care of my dad and when he's gone, help my Stepmom get her affairs in order and help her get back to some kind of normalcy.

I am now waiting for some third misfortune. Maybe my appartment will burn down? Then I won't have to pay rent

This post has been edited by Alternative Goose: 22 October 2018 - 04:34 PM

[amphibian]

I'd look into taking any sort of compassionate leave or medical leave you can take from work. Be very upfront with your boss about why you're leaving now.

There's a slim chance that something can be done to keep you around at work, but you have to let people know what's happening to get them to move in unusual ways to help you.

I found a lot of joy in telling funny stories of my life to a relative who was dying of lung cancer. He loved that my brother and I didn't ask questions about how he was doing, listened and laughed at our dumbass actions, and felt like he was a normalish person. He died a month after we left the country and his family thanked us for what we did to make things more bearable, even if that's a mostly futile task.

The pain, the frustration, and the helplessness are all real and I'm sorry you're all going through them to varying degrees.

[Aptorian]

I planned it all out with people at work a month ago or so. No issues there. My boss has just written off the hours I'll miss as extra hours I was owed.

The Danish Healthcare system is handling all expenses. We may be getting a hospice position within the week if we're lucky and there's any vacancies. Then we'll have 24/7 assistance for the last days.

As for talking with my father we're past that. My father and I are both people of few words when it comes to our relationship. We've said we love one another and that's all that's needed to be said on that account. The past weekends we went on strolls with his wheelchair and we talked about old days. Going sailing as a kid. Truck rides. Assurances that I will take care of my stepmom and her son (he's schizophrenic). Just making sure everything was in order.

Now I just sit by his side and make small talk when he seems present.

[Morgoth]

Apt, I am so sorry. That sounds so very awful, and I can only commend you for being able to spend so much time with your dad at all. I don't know how if I would have had the strength for that. I hope so, but I don't know. If you need to get away from everything for a few days when the time comes, there's a comfortable couch at my place in Oslo. I can't promise you nice weather, but at least the beer is expensive.

I know what it's like to sit by the hospital bed of a loved one and feeling guilty about hoping it will end soon. It's heartbreaking seeing someone you love in such pain, and you should never feel guilty for feeling that way. It's born of compassion and kindness I think. You'll possibly feel some level of relief when he dies, I know I did when my grandmother died this fall, and I felt terrible for it at first, but I think mostly that feeling is for the loved one. For the relief they must have felt like not having to struggle anymore.

[Aptorian]

Thanks for all the offers but honestly, when this is all done, I am going to lock myself in my apartment with some books and games and isolate.
myself from the rest of the world until I've acclimated.

I think the biggest comfort so far has been how attentive the care we're getting is.

We've been offered nursing staff that will clean and feed my dad but we've said no to that. Instead they will be coming by the apartment 3-4 times a day to check in on us as much as him and will be administrating small doses of sedatives and painkillers to ease my father's discomfort. All service and drugs are paid for by the system.

The amount of relief this gives us is incalculable. I also suddenly better understand where all my tax money has been going all these years.

This post has been edited by Alternative Goose: 23 October 2018 - 10:21 AM

[Traveller]

Sorry Apt, that's... tough. Never been through anything like that, with relatives at least. I hope the next week or so will bring some peaceful resolution and relief, for all of you.

This post has been edited by Traveller: 23 October 2018 - 05:46 PM

[worry]

Some of the taxes go directly to care, staff, and overhead, some of them go to fund the lube and plastic sheets required for the semi-annual Bureaucrat Orgies, but in the end it all contributes to a functioning health care system so it's worth it.

[Aptorian]

My father died this morning.

It went unbelievably quickly.

Yesterday we got a small drop placed on his arm that the nurses could administer drugs through. Technology is crazy.

He got a good dose of pain killers, sedatives and anti-nausea medicine and for the first time in a week he slept, really slept. He was so out of it that the nurses didn't need to do anything for their first couple visits. Around midnight and at 3 and 4 they came by and adjusted his meds slightly and 7.05 this morning he was pronounced dead.

Luckily my cat was pestering me so I got up early. Had time to sit with my dad a bit and talk to him. He was really zonked on all the meds.

We were sitting and keeping an eye on him when the nurse came at 7.00. My Stepmom remarked to the doctor that the drugs had finally kicked in when she arrived and we looked over at him and we realized he was gone. It had happened so swiftly we didn't even notice.

My stepmom and I had a good cry afterwards but I'm relieved it happened like this. He was so sick I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.


A nurse just came by and she's helping my stepmom prepare my father so that he's ready when the mortician comes. I gracefully bowed out of that experience and am sitting and writing this instead.

This post has been edited by Alternative Goose: 24 October 2018 - 06:59 AM

[Traveller]

Ah man. Sorry Apt... I'm kind of relieved for you too that it happened that way, and I'm sure all of us here are with you for this. Will take a while to sink in I guess.

[Aptorian]

It probably will take time.

It's a strange experience going through illness and death with a loved one.

On one hand the practical side of me has planned it all out and I'm just observing and doing what needs to be done. On the other side there's a part of me that is absolutely shattered. Like there's something that hurts just beneath a surface of desperate calm.

Pain is not the right word for this experience. This is a kind of emotional trauma that you can't really put words on.

Today we'll sit in vigil over my father untill the mortician comes in the afternoon. Afterwards we've decided we'll go out and eat a good meal and remember my father.

Lots of calls need to be made.

[Morgoth]

My deepest condolences, Apt.

[TheRetiredBridgeburner]

Thoughts with you and your family Apt, I'm truly sorry - although as others have said, I'm relieved for you all the end was peaceful after he'd been so ill.

You're absolutely right - grief is more than pain, and it is emotional trauma on the highest level. Allow yourself the time and to feel whatever you feel - it's all valid, and none of it is wrong, even the relief that it's all over. I'm glad you have family around you.

This post has been edited by TheRetiredBridgeburner: 24 October 2018 - 09:05 AM

[Tiste Simeon]

My condolences Apt.

[worry]

Condolences, Apt. Trauma is definitely the right word for it, insofar as any word can ever really come close. It's other things too, though, some expected and some utterly surprising. Language really isn't sufficient for it. Grief isn't just one feeling, like you'd expect.

[Mezla PigDog]

Sorry to hear this Apt. I followed your posts the last couple of days and couldn't think of anything useful to say but I hope you get to look back on the time as kind of special because what you wrote was very touching. Special is not the right word but hopefully you know what I mean.

[Slow Ben]

Well, that sucks Apt. But at least his suffering is over and he's at peace.

[QuickTidal]

Condolences Apt. that’s really rough. Support here if you need it man.

[Gorefest]

My condoleances, Apt. It's terrible to see a loved one suffer, but I'm glad you had a chance to say goodbye and hopefully make your peace with it. Best of luck in the times ahead.

[Aptorian]

Thanks for all the condolences.

We've spent today making sure everything is in order and my stepmom is set up right now that my dad is gone. She's digitally illiterate so we've been around town filling out paperwork and closing accounts manually.

My Stepmom is funny and infuriating. She's one of those people who knows everyone and loves to chat so half the day has been spent talking about my dad and commiserating with anyone she comes across. In the bus, in the street, in the bank, at the church, phone store, supermarket, etc. In between taking calls. She's very endearing but as a person who's very straight to the point and then I'm gone... I ... Am... Exhausted!

[Mentalist]

Sorry to hear, Apt (just read the whole thing). I can't imagine how brutal it must be. We're all here for you.