[A Demon Llama!]

I do like the idea of everyone thanking and praising me. Other than that its I'm gunna have to do some thinking. I was gonna do something short, without the drawn out stories no one really listens to or arent really relevant to the bride and groom. Il try to give it some humour but that's a gamble since the only person that thinks I'm funny is myself and the tomato.

[worry]

Is this still happening? Or did help arrive?

[Ukjent]

Burned my tongue.. The sup was surprisingly enough hot.

[Puck]

Found out I'm allergic to fresh pepper today.. I think I'm going to start making a list, I'm losing count of what I need to stop eating if I don't want to look like someone punched me in the face.. *sigh*

[Abyss]

A Demon Llama!, on 16 July 2013 - 11:37 PM, said:

I do like the idea of everyone thanking and praising me. Other than that its I'm gunna have to do some thinking. I was gonna do something short, without the drawn out stories no one really listens to or arent really relevant to the bride and groom. Il try to give it some humour but that's a gamble since the only person that thinks I'm funny is myself and the tomato.

Don't get creative. There are three kinds of wedding speeches:
- awful boring annoying drivel that's relevant to precisely no one except the shmuck delivering it (this is most);
- brilliant comedic genius heartfelt personal tribute and short;
- nice and short.

The vast majority are the first, a rare handful are the second, and not nearly enough are the third.

Unless you're a public speaking genius, go with the third. Stand up, say something nice about the groom, say something nice about the bride, propose a toast, sit the fuck down. You think you have to be funny. You don't. You think you need to tell a funny story about something stupid the groom did. You don't. You think you have to tell everyone about you. You don't. Do not quote the Bible. Do not quote Will Farrell. Do not quote the lyrics from any song whatsoever. Do not bring a sock puppet. Ok fine, if you must, bring a sock puppet, but regardless, your speech will only and ever only be remembered by the groom, possibly the bride. Do them a favor and make it about them and ffs keep it short.

- Abyss, thinks most wedding speeches should come with a gong.

[Satan]

Abyss, on 17 July 2013 - 03:41 PM, said:

A Demon Llama!, on 16 July 2013 - 11:37 PM, said:

I do like the idea of everyone thanking and praising me. Other than that its I'm gunna have to do some thinking. I was gonna do something short, without the drawn out stories no one really listens to or arent really relevant to the bride and groom. Il try to give it some humour but that's a gamble since the only person that thinks I'm funny is myself and the tomato.

Don't get creative. There are three kinds of wedding speeches:
- awful boring annoying drivel that's relevant to precisely no one except the shmuck delivering it (this is most);
- brilliant comedic genius heartfelt personal tribute and short;
- nice and short.

The vast majority are the first, a rare handful are the second, and not nearly enough are the third.

Unless you're a public speaking genius, go with the third. Stand up, say something nice about the groom, say something nice about the bride, propose a toast, sit the fuck down. You think you have to be funny. You don't. You think you need to tell a funny story about something stupid the groom did. You don't. You think you have to tell everyone about you. You don't. Do not quote the Bible. Do not quote Will Farrell. Do not quote the lyrics from any song whatsoever. Do not bring a sock puppet. Ok fine, if you must, bring a sock puppet, but regardless, your speech will only and ever only be remembered by the groom, possibly the bride. Do them a favor and make it about them and ffs keep it short.

- Abyss, thinks most wedding speeches should come with a gong.

This! Oh gods, this! The same, basic sentiment goes for all speeches. If any occasion calls for a speech, you know there's going to be a truckload of old uncles doing one. There is by and large no one that is interested in what you have to say. Do everyone a favour and keep it short so that people can eat their fucking food without looking like an impolite dick.

[Una]

Abyss, on 17 July 2013 - 03:41 PM, said:

Unless you're a public speaking genius, go with the third. Stand up, say something nice about the groom, say something nice about the bride, propose a toast, sit the fuck down. You think you have to be funny. You don't. You think you need to tell a funny story about something stupid the groom did. You don't. You think you have to tell everyone about you. You don't. Do not quote the Bible. Do not quote Will Farrell. Do not quote the lyrics from any song whatsoever. Do not bring a sock puppet. Ok fine, if you must, bring a sock puppet, but regardless, your speech will only and ever only be remembered by the groom, possibly the bride. Do them a favor and make it about them and ffs keep it short.

- Abyss, thinks most wedding speeches should come with a gong.

I heartily agree.

The best wedding speech I ever heard was from the father of the bride. It went something like this:

"Thank you all for coming. I am so touched that so many of you came to see my daughter get married, some of you from very far away. Please, eat and drink and enjoy yourselves tonight."

And then he sat down. I thought if the rest of the speeches went something like that, then this would be the best reception ever. Sadly, it did not go that way.

So, introduce the groom, like how you met or where you know him from, then explain why you think he's a stand-up guy. Then say something nice about the bride and how happy you think she makes him. Then wish them both happiness and good fortune. Raise your glass and toast them. Then sit down. Easy!

[Abyss]

The tiny number of purely brilliant wedding speeches i have seen vs the hideous number of oh my god please someone please stab me with the room temp wedding-chicken leg bone so i have a justificable excuse to rush out of here speeches fully backs up my above point.

They're already eating mass-cooked chicken and butter-drowned asparagus. Don't make them suffer any more.

[amphibian]

Briar King, on 17 July 2013 - 03:15 AM, said:

It only lasted 4 or so hrs...

Just really pisses me off cause my dad gave my aunt $7000 for this 2002 truck that only has 73,000 miles on it. That's insane for something that old with no wear and tear and when I was driving it overheated not having a drop of oil in it so we re hoping it didn't warp the heads a waste 7k 4 days after we got it....

Daaaang. Well, at least you know next time to check the heck out of the oil levels for the first few days after buying a too-good-to-be-true priced car.

[Tiste Simeon]

My best mans speech was ace. He dissed me slightly then said how great I was, how beautiful my wife was & then toasted our happiness. He was funny without trying too hard & mentioned bacon. Lasted no longer than 5 minutes!

[Illuyankas]

Yeah, five minutes is the max you want to aim for, but don't rush! Clarity is paramount, seriously. Also talking slower stretches what little content you have out so you need to write less.

Practice a bit, too, either by yourself or in front of a couple of non-guest friends of both you and the groom, plus the bride if possible.

Also, and perhaps most importantly, do not piss/shit/vomit down yourself midspeech from nerves. That really doesn't help.

[worry]

Illuyankas, on 17 July 2013 - 10:17 PM, said:

Also talking slower stretches what little content you have out so you need to write less.

A man after my own heart!

Illuyankas, on 17 July 2013 - 10:17 PM, said:

Also, and perhaps most importantly, do not piss/shit/vomit down yourself midspeech from nerves. That really doesn't help.

Hmm, well, maybe not.

[Tiste Simeon]

worry, on 17 July 2013 - 10:33 PM, said:

Illuyankas, on 17 July 2013 - 10:17 PM, said:

Also talking slower stretches what little content you have out so you need to write less.

A man after my own heart!

Illuyankas, on 17 July 2013 - 10:17 PM, said:

Also, and perhaps most importantly, do not piss/shit/vomit down yourself midspeech from nerves. That really doesn't help.

Hmm, well, maybe not.

It would be memorable though...

[Illuyankas]

worry, on 17 July 2013 - 10:33 PM, said:

Illuyankas, on 17 July 2013 - 10:17 PM, said:

Also talking slower stretches what little content you have out so you need to write less.

A man after my own heart!

Illuyankas, on 17 July 2013 - 10:17 PM, said:

Also, and perhaps most importantly, do not piss/shit/vomit down yourself midspeech from nerves. That really doesn't help.

Hmm, well, maybe not.

Doing any of those by choice is perfectly acceptable, since you'd have probably prepared to do so. And repaired your rubber trousers.

[tiam]

Woke up this morning with the right side of my bottom lip swelled up like a balloon but inside my mouth. Not sure what would cause this at all but maybe a coldsore that has caused a swelling of the inside? Really weird.

That plus trying to get a dentist on the NHS/that doesnt want one of my kidneys to sort out this infection in one of my teeth is a massive hassle. I finally got myself into one on NHS hours as im poor but a week before the appointment they cancelled it and I had the smuggest most pompous receptionist answer the phone to tell me there isnt one now till september unless I go private. I then asked whats to stop them doing the same thing to me in sepetember i.e. cancelling it a week before hand and I was told 'nothing is certain in life Mr tiam' which strikes me as the mosst self righteous thing in the world to say.

Rant over

[Gothos]

Tiste Simeon, on 17 July 2013 - 08:59 PM, said:

Lasted no longer than 5 minutes!

a prelude for the wedding night then?

[tiam]

How I feel as a british person going out in the sun with the knowledge of my future colour

http://memegenerator...stance/39820383

[Ukjent]

haha, know the feeling. the second degree sunburns hurts like hell.

[Tiste Simeon]

Gothos, on 18 July 2013 - 11:22 AM, said:

Tiste Simeon, on 17 July 2013 - 08:59 PM, said:

Lasted no longer than 5 minutes!

a prelude for the wedding night then?

Please. Took me over 5 minutes to stop ogling & realise these were breasts I was actually allowed to touch!!!

[stone monkey]

Jean-Claude Van tiam, on 18 July 2013 - 11:43 AM, said:

How I feel as a british person going out in the sun with the knowledge of my future colour

http://memegenerator...stance/39820383

Speak for yourself, I'm a British person who starts off as a medium to dark brown and then goes jet black