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The Phoenix Inn (1104 posts)
09-February 06
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May 16

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  1. In Topic: What's messing with your groove?

    20 February 2019 - 01:05 PM

    View PostGorefest, on 20 February 2019 - 10:33 AM, said:

    Have you actually sat down with your mother and told her this? If you are living in the house on equal grounds (i.e. you are paying rent etc), you need to break the mother-daughter dynamic and put some clear living rules down. Maybe even a more formalised rental agreement.

    I've tried to in the past but it's impossible. She explodes with her "I have it so hard in life because you're so useless and it's your fault"-routine and I'm tired of listening to that. The only Progress has been that now she includes my brother into this rant, who for the longest time was a saint but now she's started pushing this whole narrative on him as well.

    I think she thinks I owe her morally or something. She expects me to do everything like the adult that I am but at the same time refuses to treat me like I'm an adult. See her expectation of me coming over to help her with her work like I used to when I was in School. But I have my own job and my own stuff to take care of. I freelance and at the times I don't have a clear contrat job it doesn't mean I have free time. It means I'm either Looking for work or working on something that will create passive income in the long run.

    At the same time, she is unable to understand that life doesn't have to be the way she is leading it. Just because she choses to overwork herself doesn't mean I can't pace out my life differently. It was a very clear thing while I was in therapy that I NEED to be able to have time that is "not work". I believe what she Needs is actually some therapy because she Claims she wants more time to herself and to do stuff, but she never does. She could tone down her spending and work half as much if she was mentally capable of that. She keeps taking on work and promises to finish it sooner than she knows she realistically can make it then stresses herself (and everyone around her as well) out by having to work late.

    It's not that I don't understand, it's that I'm the only one putting in any work to mend our relationship. It often seems for a time like she's gotten the message and we're on equal terms, but then the next explosion Comes whenever she can't handle her own life anymore. She's constantly going on About how much time her Friends have for stuff outside of work, but the only thing they do differently is to not intentionally take on more work than they can handle or buy esoteric ninsense constantly.

    What I'm trying to say is that even if I were to manage to get the "equal terms" part down in writing she would ignore it at the first opportunity because as far as she is concerned, it's her place and I'm only there because I'm too lazy. We've had Agreements to do stuff this or that way a number of times, but she NEVER keeps her promise, and if I make a comment about where she put stuff (she constantly leaves food on the kitchen table that belongs into the fridge, which drives me nuts especially in the summer) or that she should please make sure to put trash in the Right trash cans (we've already head a warning from the landlord because she refused to unserstand why you can't use plastic bags for biodegradable trash), she explodes.

    Edit: I should also mention that despite all that work she does, we still owe the landlord money. The service charge increased quite a bit last year and as usual, we split it. I payed my half back in November 2018, my mother on the other hand was gone for three weeks on Holidays at my brother's house, where she continued to be unhappy About how HIS place looks like and still complains About how she spent her holidays cleaning HIS house. Which he is very much capable of doing on his own and never asked her to do.
  2. In Topic: What's messing with your groove?

    20 February 2019 - 10:25 AM

    I forgot to mention that my mother's idea of tidying up consists of shoving stuff into closed spaces until you can't see anything anymore. And I personally hate that surface orderliness. It's not like you can find anything any better this way because there's no system. For example, I keep having to look for our pot of salt because she "tidied up" the kitchen and shoved stuff into the cupboards and closed the doors. The last time I found the salt on the floor level shelf where we keep our potatoes.
  3. In Topic: What's messing with your groove?

    20 February 2019 - 09:42 AM

    I have a general question. Maybe I'm really in the wrong here though I can't see how.

    Been having HUGE issue with my mother again the past couple of days. She's stressed at work, which I understand (though what I do not understand is why she works so much, seeing as she's retired and doesn't have to work, she just does and overworks herself for no rteason) and our ideas of what a normal apartment Looks like differ drastically. This morning, she blew up in my face (and not for the first time) because I keep my gym bag next to the washing machine. Not in the way of anything, just tucked away in the corner because we can't use the space any other way anyway (slanted walls). I also literally got my scarf throw in my face because I keep it on the Sideboard in the hallway.

    Now, my issue is that I do not see any problems with that. For me that's the normal clutter of a lived-in space. Not to mention that our living room, which I DO NOT use outside of hanging the laundry up to dry, looks like a bomb exploded in it and it's somehow my fault, because apparently I have too much time? Because I work from home for three days a week? Neve rmind that she doesn't have to concern herself with things like cooking food or groceries or utility bills, which I take care of. She, despite being a grown Woman, is not able to so much as go to a bank to look at her account balance or make sure her phone is charged up with enough money. In fact, she doesn't even know her own bank account code and I have full access to her bank account because I have her bank card. She doesn't want it because she doesn't want to bother herself with these things (claiming she's got no time for that). I also do all of her paperwork.

    I mean, I am not the tidiest person, but I generally keep my clutter to my own room (which she has no Business to do anything in, yet when I was away for two days two months ago, she had the audacity to "tidy up" my room and expected me to thank he ron my knees or or something), and I don't cosider things like a gym bag or a scarf too much to keep in a common living space. Just because she changes jackets and scarves daily and puts them away each time, I don't see why I should. Also, I'd like to Point out that she owns so much stuff, it takes up a full one third of my huge wardrobe despite her having two wardrobes in her own room already.

    I pay half of the rent and utilities and some things I pay in full, like phone and internet bills, and the phone I don't even use. I would think I have a right to make SOME space for myself in the apartment. Again, I don't use the living room AT ALL.

    Maybe I'm in the wrong, but I really don't see why. We share the rent, so we should be able to share the space as well, as well as the chores. I cook and stuff, every day, but she also expects me to do everything else as she's not home at all except for food and sleep.

    Additionally, she expects me to come over to ther work and help her there and also blew up on me about not doing that the other day. Which I get even less than the "I don't want your stuff all over the apartment" thing. First off, I'd have to buy a bus ticket to get to ger and second, I have shit to do. Just because I'm hoem doesn't mean I'm not working. We've already has this same issue when I was still studying where she though if I'm home I have nothing to do even though, you know, I had assignments to do.

    Ugh, overall, I've heard so much screaming and so many accusations of the past couple of days I don't know what to think anymore. The worst part is that I'm just at a point where I could say I'm mostly recovered from my depression, yet this shit keeps throwing me back because it's the biggest reason I ended up depressed in the first place. And I can't even talk back because EVERY WORD I say makes it worse.

    I still can't afford to move out, but this is not bearable any more. Also, since she's officially on benefits since she's doesn't have enough retirement Money, if I were to move out she'd lose the appartment because for her alone it's too big and too expensive and she's been putting a bunch of money into renovating it (though you've got three guesses at who did the actual painting of the walls and shit).

    Ugh, sorry, I guess I really needed to get that off my chest. I realize I Need to get out of there but I'm not really seeing away yet.
  4. In Topic: What's messing with your groove?

    15 February 2019 - 10:58 AM

    It wasn't me on facebook, I swear!

    But in all seriousness, while my attitude towards Malazan is pretty well known if one frequents the book forums, this is just ridiculous. Tastes differ, you idiot.

    Messing with my groove is that after every damned Windows update, I have to recalibrate my screen. Fml.
  5. In Topic: What's messing with your groove?

    11 February 2019 - 11:19 AM

    This... is not my day. First I dat at the doctor's office for two hours first thing in the morning because the cough of death won't go away. On the way to work, the sole of one of my shoes decided to divorce said shoe. Had to buy instant glue and have that stuff all over my hands. Hate the feeling. At least hopefully the shoe will hold until this evening. Now, I am at work and surprise, U cannot log in to my work account. Fml.


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    King Lear 

    28 Jun 2018 - 19:20
    Same. We're mutually terrible at this. It works XD
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    King Lear 

    27 Jun 2018 - 22:41
    Love you the mostest <3
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    King Lear 

    27 Jun 2018 - 21:24
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    16 May 2018 - 09:20
    Happy birthday, hope you have a good one
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    King Lear 

    14 Nov 2016 - 17:27
    I'm in the US (so still with the ugly stuff, but less with ground refusing to still) I'm okay, and it looks like all friends and family are okay (if a little bit traumatised, apparently it's not a pleasant experience even for those who are not injured or have any property damage or anything).
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    King Lear 

    21 Aug 2016 - 07:38
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    King Lear 

    09 Apr 2016 - 13:12
    One day we will chat again!
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    King Lear 

    12 Feb 2016 - 23:05
    Hugs back to you! Hope you're doing well <3
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    King Lear 

    01 Oct 2015 - 05:10
    You are the slinkiest
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    King Lear 

    21 Sep 2015 - 10:06
    You know, chat's refusal to make sounds when people enter or leave, or show the number of comments when I'm in another tab is extremely inconvenient. Anyway, *hugs*
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    King Lear 

    18 Sep 2015 - 11:43
    Noooooooooooooooooo I missed you
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    Tiste Simeon 

    26 Sep 2014 - 19:40
    Appreciate that. Truly I do. Thank you. :)
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    24 Jul 2014 - 15:57
    thought u'd gone for some shuteye
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    20 Jul 2014 - 22:50
    I must have just missed you leave chat.
    Yeah I am nicer than you thought, though I'm not sure why you thought I wasn't as nice as when you thought I was nicer than you thought.
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    King Lear 

    20 May 2014 - 13:34
    Thank you loveliest! I'm sorry I missed you yesterday in chat, I was out and was like noooooooo when I saw you'd been in and chat had kicked me out. Managed to chat to Liz for a bit though, I miss my fellow TMI'ers (otherwise known as chat annoyances :D :D :D )
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