Malazan Empire: Puck - Viewing Profile - Malazan Empire

Not much of a story, just a years-long dragged out situaton that peaked recently and which I am really, really tired of.

Ever since graduating my circle of friends has largely consisted of people I studied with and people I met through the people I studied with. We play Dungeons & Dragons together. Since Covid hit this has been the only thing we have done together. Which would have been fine, but I have been increasingly discovering by chance that these people have been spending time together without ever asking me if I want to join in and if asked why it was always stuff like "oh, we were going to watch movies and you don't like movies" or "oh, we were going to play x game and you don't play games"... Both are things I rarely do but enjoy when I have company and that's hardly a secret. "Oh, you are surely always tired from work"... Oh, please, I work from home four days of the week. I crawl out of bed 15 minutes max before starting work.

I mean, it was fine, we were still playing D&D and our campaign had been running for almost 11 irl years by this point and due to some moving away and people just genuinely getting other priorities in life I was fine with that. What some on this very forums may remember is that I used to struggle majorly with depression. I've done therapy. I'm actually good now. But I have a major trigger that stems from how my depression was likely caused by bullying and abandonment and that trigger is feeling like I am unwanted somewhere (with friends, etc.). My instinct then is to pull away because I don't want to impose myself on others. Thanks to therapy I've learned to deal with that and althought the above situation was sometimes challenging, that's life and that's ok.

That's also made it difficult for me to just go out and meet other people. And going out alone makes you look weird. I do occasionally go to concerts and such on my own, I'm mainly there for the music anyway, but I have to be in the right mind space to do that. I occasionally ask my best friend if she wants to come along but since I do not like the "right" kind of music (I prefer death metal over black metal, woe is me) that almost never happens. I used to have two people I would somewhat regularly go to shows with (independently of each other) but one turned out to be anti-vaxx and a cultist and I do not knowingly mingle with anti-vaxx ans cultists and the other reconciled with his parents and got a girlfriend so I'm not interesting to be around anymore (story of my life, but good for him, I genuinely wish him the best, we had a good friendship while it lasted, I just wish he'd told me directly instead of "oh, my stomach hurts" or "oh, I can't be home past 11pm just because").

Anyway, due to the things mentioned in the first paragraph, I have been increasingly feeling disconnected with these people. It was fine for a while because I'm fine with being alone a lot and with having few friends, and there was regular Dungeons & Dragons where we would catch up and talk for hours before and after a session, but increasingly it was talk about things I could not comment on because I had not been asked to participate and I had nothing interesting to tell them because nobody cares about all the drama my colleagues get up to at work (they are lovely as far as colleagues go, though).

I have also been having a bit of a beef with one guy from that D&D group. Basically, I think he's self-centered and refuses to get his self-diagnosed depression treated while living off his parents (who are not rich, and I do not dismiss depression, I know how hard it can be, it's just... it's not going to get better by hiding). We generally simply do not talk and things are fine. But after a long, long string of similar events spanning several years, a few months ago he managed to hog a very major plot point I had been looking forward to for months (and vocally so) to himself and essentially causing my character I've played for years and years to lose ten levels and a prestige class. Even though we do have a rule that we do not actively harm other player's characters unless we have spoken about it before and the DM has been informed. The DM assured me she'd find a way to not make me lose all that, but:

As mentioned, this wasn't the first time something stupid like that happened directed at me and I had already spoken out about it before. And I generally try to give people an out in the lines of "Look, I will believe you if you say it was an oversight/excitement/spur-of-the-moment-thing or whathave you. This is how I feel about it. Can we not have that happen again, please? We're good." He avoided every single one of these talks and I have had the DM relay my opinion every time. Every time it was her saying "Oh, it's also my fault, I am the DM, I should pay more attention and keep you on track." No. No, you shouldn't, we are adults playing a darn game. Others manage, too.

Anyway, this time I flipped. I confronted him directly during the next session. Not in the "Omg, you are such an asshole"-way. But in the "Listen, you knew I was looking forward to this session for months, you knew it would make my character unplayable, you knew the rule about not harming other player's characters, and you did not even try to consult anyone else on what you did. That was shitty and I am not apoligizing for calling that behaviour out." I also mentioned how this was the first plot in years that sort-of involved my character so of course I was excited while everyone had gotten plotlines centered on them, some more than once. I let it be known that if that plot-hogging thing happened again I'd leave the campaign. Cue everyone saying "Please don't, we like you."

The DM tried the "Oh, it's also my fault for not paying better attention and I am so sorry about the plotines, the next one was planned to be centered on your character!" Well, great, it's taken you almost 11 years. We sort of tried to talk about how that one guy is so focused on her and eager to impress her that it's not funny anymore and her excuse was "Well, that's probably because we watch movies together every week so he's gotten so used to only talking to me and slips into that dynamic." Mind you, she's supposed to be my best friend and the last time we spent time together outside of D&D was months ago.

Something I should also mention is that my "best" friend:
- I only ever see twice a year in person (three times if I am really lucky) even from pre-Covid times
- 70% of the time I am the one initiating conversations
- 99% of the time I am the one asking how she's doing, what's going on, how are her parents doing (whom I'm on good terms with)
- basically never asks me to do anything with her/come along to anything (we do live a two hour train ride apart, but for example, we had a vague plan to do a day trip this summer, which took weeks to decide on where we want to go, then she insisted we absolutely have to go by train (she owns a car, I do not), then cancelled because there was construction work on the train tracks, and my suggestion of at least circumventing the construction work by car and meeting up halfway was no good)
- has never had one word of advice when I was having a hard time and never asks for mine either (other people do, though, both of those things)
- doesn't keep a conversation going when we do see each other in person

She does have her good sides, but yeah, I am just tired of the not good ones.

Anyway, she blocked any further conversation saying I was being too harsh to that dude by confronting him so directly and that she would look into a solution. I offered to be available for a talk at any time and mentioned I was feeling increasingly disconnected to the group as a whole. She did not ask why. I mentioned it to two other people in the group. Neither asked why, either. I waited a month. There was no communication beyond a meme or two.

Next D&D session finally rolls around. I get a cryptic message that surprising things are about to happen. Cool, at least someone here talked to someone. Wasn't me again, though, even though I was the one who had an issue. We start. I make an offhand remark joking with someone entirely else before the game proper starts. It was actually mock-bikering with the person it was directed towards. I get firmly shut up in front of everyone by the DM (also, again, my best friend who told me I was too harsh in trying to talk openly) for not letting "the topic" die already. I'm like wtf and leave the session because I am this close to a panic attack because I have the feeling everyone talked without including me. Again, I tell the DM in a message that I am 1. having a panic attack, 2. was talking to and about someone completely different and that person was equally wtf about it, and 3. I am, again, feeling disconnected from the group. She does not comment beyond "That's not true, you are part of the group." Not wanting to ruin it for everyone, I come back, apologise for something I didn't do, we start the session...

The big surprise is that that guy has changed characters. That's it. We don't even get to speak ingame. What's worse, his "new" character is just a gender-swapped version of his old one. I call bullshit (ingame). He doesn't say a word and now everyone expects me to be the party leader because the one other person willing to is pretending everything is fine with a new character and everyone else just genuinely can't be arsed. I also get presented with a plotline that's 100% catered to my character and ignores everyone else.

We're in out 30s, goddamn. I don't know if I want to cry or to laugh out loud. I've tried patience. I've tried talking. I'm done with these people. And the only person (even though she may not sound that great in that account) I'd be sad to lose is the DM.